Husband told 9 year he was not clever

[husbandbloodyhusband]

Not Daily Mail fodder - fuck you!
Namechanged
My husband has just told my 9 year old DS that he's not clever enough to be a doctor. My son was visibly upset and went upstairs in tears (which husband says was because of my reaction to the comment).
We are now not talking because I think that my husband is 100% in the wrong to have said this and should apologise.
Husband won't apologise because he thinks that we should be honest with the children and said that he is entitled to his opinion. I am at a loss at how he can be so hurtful.
For info, son has dyslexia but is 'expected' or 'developing' in all areas of the curriculum.

Your DH is entitled to his opinion but there's a difference between giving an opinion and being an utter dick.

Somebody needs to explain to your (possibly not very clever) husband that being honest is something quite different from making wild statements about things you can't possibly know anything about but which might possibly influence somebody's chances for the worse.

I could foretell that your husband is going to trip over a shoelace tomorrow and take the skin off his nose but it wouldn't be particularly honest because unless I go and arrange the accident myself I have no means of knowing this.

And the only way your husband can know that his son won't be a doctor is if he puts him down so often that he loses all incentive.

And for the record, I have taught a good many dyslexic postgraduate students.

I agree with you OP. Absolutely not the right thing to say whether you think it or not. I believe in self fulfilling prophecy and if you tell someone they are good/bad at something enough they will become whatever you say. As someone with dyslexia I have a degree despite me finding it very hard at times. Having support and belief meant I did it even though I thought I couldn't. You can't judge whether or not a 9 year old can be a doctor yet anyway.

Oh oh that's horrible!

For what it's worth, I was at school with 2 girls who went on to become doctors and to be honest, neither of them was the brightest bulb in the box at primary school.

Some DH's are jealous of their DC, and don't want them to do better than THEY did.

All the above, plus he's 9, surely it's too early to tell anyway!

Obviously your DH is a nasty, hurtful fucker!

The question is what are you going to do about it? You need to show your son how completely unacceptable your DH behaviour is in every way and how utterly untrue his opinion is.

Or maybe they were told that too when they were a child. Some parents do follow the same pattern of parenting they received as a child (good or bad).

He is so out of line it's unreal. He should've telling your son that if he works hard he can do whatever the hell he wants. It is just nasty to say that to a nine year old. My DH was written off by school, he is also dyslexic (fortunately never put down by his family) told he wasn't fit for further education a first and a PhD prove they were wrong. But I doubt he would have got there without his family's support and unwavering belief in him. So your husband is utterly wrong. It's not honesty, it's pissing all over his son's potential. he has no clue what his child will be capable of.

My flatmate at university was dyslexic, he got a grant to buy special equipment to help him study, he graduated with a first in genetics as his first degree then went on to study medicine as his second degree, he's now a doctor in a&e in a major hospital.

I work in a University, plenty of Medical students with dyslexia, your husband is being ridiculous.

My partner is dyslexic, is a qualified nurse and has a degree in another science subject. Good luck to your son :)

My father told me I was stupid. I absolutely believed him and didn’t even try at school, couldn’t see the point cos I was stupid. Got a job in a factory straight from school, never even considered college or uni, cos I was stupid. Took me till I was thirty to realise I wasn’t, and do something about it. But I could have achieved so much more if I hadn’t spent my entire teenage years believing I was stupid.

My mum told me I wasn't clever enough to pursue the career of my dreams. I've never forgiven her and harbour an awful lot of resentment towards her. He needs to be careful with what he says, he could be causing long term harm by saying things like that. I know I certainly have never felt good enough

I have relatives with dyslexia - doing jobs/studies that are really scarily (military & defense) brainy (neurophysiology).

Your dh is an absolute arse.
If your own bloody father doesn’t have confidence in you..,,,,
Your dh better find some way of rectifying this problem, or have to cope with the possible ramifications of his statement.

Going by the number of Drs I know, personally and professionally, I would say that being willing and able to work your arse off is FAR more important than being 'clever'.

Being a Dr requires a lot of skills, remembering lessons, working bloody hard, having a good way with people would all be far more important than 'clever' for the majority of Drs.

In any case, being dyslexic is entirely unrelated to intelligence or 'cleverness'.!

Husband is being a twat and needs to apologise.

Telly your son from me that a very eminent and successful ENT consultant once told me that when he was at school a lot of dyslexic kids got steered towards medicine BECAUSE it was seen as a better option than for example law which involves a great deal of writing. And tell your husband from me he’s a fuckwit for trying to limit your son’s horizons.

Your more than right to be angry with DH!

He clearly doesn't understand the damage that comments like that can have on your son and his confidence with dyslexia. His comments could stop your son trying all together as he will think what's the point of trying if I'm stupid dad says that I'm not clever......

I am dyslexic, yes I had to work harder at school and university to understand things but I was determined, I got a first in my masters in a science degree now work in a scientific position which is well paid. I was told by many I wasn't clever enough (teachers, uni lecturer, peers) as it took me longer to get things but I was determined to prove them wrong. My parents always supported me and said that if I work for it then I can achieve it.

My brother on the other hand had his confidence knocked down the same as me due to dyslexia by teachers (took a long time to get his diagnosis and it was when support was none existent). He thought he was stupid which he isn't. Left school at 16 without a qualification as he didn't see the point in trying as he had been battered down.

Your husband needs to apologise and support your son.

Thanks all. I can't decide whether to show this to my husband or not. He'll probably think I've been over-dramatic by posting on here.
To add info, DS is the class clown and can be VERY lazy (doing his homework could be a torture tactic used by the US government ) but he's inquisitive and persistent (this isn't always a good thing!) and full of enthusiasm. He can be a challenge in terms of behaviour at times and DH can struggle with that.

Your DH should look back to his childhood and remember a really shitty thing he was told that has stayed with him. That’s the category we are in here.

I personally don’t believe in telling anyone they can be anything they want if they want it enough because it’s so blatantly not true. That’s a very different thing from encouraging a child to stick with their dreams and works as hard as possible.

Your DH needs to apologise and explain he said a stupid thing.

Dyslexic kids are often late bloomers as their skill sets are often the things that are more important later on in education. My family are almost all dyslexic and ironically the more dyslexic ones have been more successful. Even if that wasn’t true your son is 9 there is plenty of time in life to be realistic. At 9 you should be able to think you have do anything.
You husband is a dick!

Your husband is being a twit OP. I'm dyslexic and a lawyer. My brother is dyslexic and an Engineer, my cousin is v v dyslexic, cannot read print type dyslexic,but is a shit hot programmer. My Dad, who I suspect is also dyslexic is a successful business person. He always told us to reach for the top and you might land in the middle. Reach for the middle and there is a fair chance you will land in ding. HE is being unreasonable.

I was told this by my (particularly nasty) parents at 13. (Ditto Vet, lecturer, journalist scientist- anything worthwhile really). I’ve since discovered from Facebook that fellow students who achieved worse than I did in terms of marks went into exactly those professions successfully.

Tell him to go out there and achieve and give his Dad two fingers.