Husband told 9 year he was not clever

[husbandbloodyhusband]

Not Daily Mail fodder - fuck you!
Namechanged
My husband has just told my 9 year old DS that he's not clever enough to be a doctor. My son was visibly upset and went upstairs in tears (which husband says was because of my reaction to the comment).
We are now not talking because I think that my husband is 100% in the wrong to have said this and should apologise.
Husband won't apologise because he thinks that we should be honest with the children and said that he is entitled to his opinion. I am at a loss at how he can be so hurtful.
For info, son has dyslexia but is 'expected' or 'developing' in all areas of the curriculum.

I went to art school and our head of department was dyslexic - he said that he had a lot of dyslexic students in the arts.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with a bit of realistic talk once a child is in their teens about career paths, but he's nine!

Not the same but my mum told me when I was about 12 that I couldn't sing. I can sing, and I chose voice as my first instrument for standard grade and Higher music at school but I'll never forget that. I've also never sung in front of anyone since my final music exam.

I suppose what I'm trying to say with a crap analogy is that you can't "unring the bell", and your DS may never feel like he is clever enough thanks to this throwaway comment.

What the fuck has dyslexia got to do with being clever?! He must have a very narrow view of what he deems to be clever.

amused - my headteacher at primary told me I couldn't sing. I didn't sing again until a friend strong armed me into a community choir in my twenties. I turned out to be good enough to be asked to sing solos in Bach cantatas by the director of music in the local cathedral.

As a teen (instrumentalist) I desperately wanted to be a professional musician, but wasn't quite good enough. It turns out the musical thing I have a real and genuine talent for is singing. (I'm good - grade 8 plus - as an instrumentalist, but not good enough). I sometimes wonder how my life might have panned out had I known I could sing, and tried for music college as a vocalist, with instruments as back-up.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I've made something very interesting out of my life, and I still enjoy music as a keen amateur. But I still wonder...

He's like a bloody elephant - he NEVER forgets a thing... this does not always work to my advantage This would stand him in good stead for medical school it seems!

no one can know what a child can accomplish at 9 even though he has difficulty with reading now. To tell him he isn't clever enough says rather more about your not so dh than it says about your dc. I couldn't read till I was 10 - as a very mature student I graduated with a 2/1 - my teacher in primary school told my mum I was "retarded" I have often wished I could have met that teacher again! Your boy has the world in front of him - maybe he wont be a doctor - who knows what he might do - with luck he might be more successful than his dd & you can be really smug & say "I told you so"

Agree with PP, my partner is dyslexic, a bit of a clown, leaves everything to the last minute and graduated as a doctor this week, he's also much cleverer than me!

I'd also like so say that all of my family thought it would be too much for me to do medicine and I should 'aim lower' - I'm now nearly a doctor too and that people told me I couldn't only pushed me to work harder, so your DH's comment may actually help your DS in a round about way.

If I were you, I'd try and get him a book on human biology which is easy to get into - it will cheer him up and tell him that he CAN do it, actions speak louder than words.

Heres the one that got me into medicine: www.amazon.co.uk/Human-Body-Childrens-Encyclopedia-Reference/dp/1405391510/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=human+biology+kids&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1532372416&sr=8-1

My DD2 (6) has said she wants to be a doctor. All I say is she will have to work very hard at school, but I've also said that she doesn't have to be a doctor to work in a hospital. She loves looking after people and when I had an accident once she helped me stem the bleeding. So she would also be a very good nurse.

Your husband was completely out of order, and your DS needs to know that. Parents need to be very careful what they say to their children, they can cause a lot of hurt.

Also, the fact your DS is dyslexic doesn't mean he isn't intelligent. He sounds like he is a bright boy actually and it's very encouraging that he is thinking about what he wants to do with his life.

Well, my DF was dyslexic - not diagnosed until his 40s. He was a world leading expert in his scientific field (Crystallography).

My sister was in the 'slow class' at school in the 70s..she's a Dr.
Colleague of mine was also in the 'slow class' (University Lecturer).
Dp is dyslexic, one of the cleverest people I ever met, was in bottom sets for everything at school and is healthcare professional now.
I teach on a university healthcare profession course, we have so many dyslexic students. It really isnt a barrier, how hard you work is far more important.
I hope your son is ok and isn't discouraged from following his dream.

That is a dreadful thing to say to a 9yr old. My OH was deemed stupid when he was 9 and by the time he sat his GCSEs his results were the top in the county and he did indeed study medicine. You should never have that attitude with your DC. I should my OH was diagnosed with dyslexia too!

DD2 is horribly dyslexic and is in the final stages of a Master's degree at university, having gained a joint degree in history and politics last year. Dyslexia has nothing to do with being clever - well, actually, people who suffer from it are often very clever indeed. You 'D'H should check his facts and that is a horrible thing to say to a kid!

Maybe your hubby needs to do some damage limitation and tell him he didn't mean he wasn't clever enough as he is very clever, just that he would need to work harder than he currently does.

FermatsTheorem

That’s amazing! I am musical and played cello for 10 years (while dabbling with other instruments, including a brief but passionate obsession with the recorder ) but I’ve never forgotten my mum’s face or tone when she told me that I can’t sing. I’d bet money that she has no memory of that day either.

I wish people would learn that offhand comments can have a lifelong effect.

unless I go and arrange the accident myself I have no means of knowing this.

Tempting isn't it?

My mum wouldn't pay for piano lessons because I wasn't gifted and they couldn't afford it. So she had two more kids with my stepdad and got them every thing they ever wanted.

Your DH is a dick,

Your son can be whatever he chooses to be, he might have to work 20 times harder because he has an obstacle to overcome but that under no circumstances should mean he doesn't try his very hardest to fulfill his dreams, and no one should ever be allowed to take them away from him, that is shameful!

Writing off a 9 year old for a career as a doctor? That's stupid!

Just came on to add, our GP is dyslexic and very open and up-front about it - and he achieved an instant rapport with my ASD DD, whose own potential is often painfully underestimated. He told us his parents and family supported him and encouraged him every step of the way with his education and amibition for medical school.

Both my DDs had the same wonderful infants' school teacher, Mrs K, whose own DD was dyslexic and had been written-off by the local (very highly-rated) girls' secondary school. With Mrs K's unwavering support and encouragement she'd made it through university and was then in the process of doing a PhD. Mrs K lived for the day that her DD would graduate because she was going to take massive pleasure in rubbing the entire secondary school staff's faces in it.

When her DD got that PhD, Mrs K posted a large congratulations announcement in the local paper - naming (and subtly shaming!) the secondary school. (If you're reading this, Mrs K - you rocked! )

My dad told me I was too stupid to be a doctor. I believed him and like another commenter I went on to factory work. I'm still so angry

Get your DH to apologize and he has to really work to repair the damage. He has fucked up so bad.