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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not wanting to go away on holiday

64 replies

holepunch88 · 23/07/2018 12:17

My DH likes to go walking in places like the lake district, Snowdonia etc. I do too, and very happy to go for long weekends at any time of year, and we have even spent Xmas up mountains!
But, I don't see that as a 'main' holiday.
I want to see a bit more of the world.
the Uk is lovely, don't get me wrong, especially with the fab weather we have been having.
So, I have suggested we do up to a week in the lakes, camping (he loves it, I don't particularly) with the dog, go walking etc, but then do a week somewhere else, I fancy Rome, or Venice, or Prague...something like that?
I don't particularly like beaches, but a nice hotel, with a pool to cool off, interesting architechture, culture, history etc.
He always says he doesn't want to go...'I don't want to fly, it takes too long sitting about airports/its boring on a plane/its too hot everywhere/any other excuse!
TBH, it is getting boring now, all his excuses.
What makes it so annoying though is he is happy to go skiing with his mates every January (I can't get time off work to go with him), and when he was with his ex, he went to Turkey, Egypt, Greece, Corfu, Italy....all places I would love to go but he claims are too hot and the flight is too long!!!
AIBU in expecting him to compromise - I go to Lakes, he comes on a hotel holiday with me?

OP posts:
5foot5 · 23/07/2018 13:19

My DH likes to go walking
I want to see a bit more of the world.

How about combining the two? Would he be interested in walking holidays abroad do you think?

We like walking too - mostly the Peak District but sometimes the Lakes. Like you we tend to see these more as weekend or short break activities rather than "main" holidays. However, for the past five years or so we have adopted a pattern for our main holiday that is one week on a self-guided hotel to hotel walk and then the second week we find a cottage, gite or apartment in the same country, hire a car and do a bit of exploring and sight seeing.

We really enjoy this as the walks have nearly always been fab and the hotels are usually lovely so you are not exactly roughing it.

So far we have done these walking holidays in Germany, France (twice), Italy, Spain and Slovenia (that was this year). There are a number of companies that do them - we have found Inntravel to be particularly good.

Oh and if he whines on about air travel remind him that he is happy to put up with it for his skiing holidays.

Rebecca36 · 23/07/2018 13:22

You're not being unreasonable to want to do something different for a holiday but you can't force your husband to go with you. He doesn't want to fly for a start. I know people who just will not fly, they are so terrified if they did manage to go somewhere by plane they spend the entire holiday dreading the return journey. They can't help it!

There are places you can go in France on a ferry, taking the car. Often very beautiful and relaxing.

Or you could have a short holiday abroad on your own or with a friend. Many people do and enjoy themselves.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 23/07/2018 13:25

Rebecca36

He doesn't want to fly for a start.

Apart from when he flies to his ski-ing holiday every year. Doesn't seem to bother him then...

OliviaBenson · 23/07/2018 13:26

Those of you saying go on your own, ok the op could but she might want to share these experiences with her DH. I'd hate to do every hol without mine.

He's being very unfair given that flying doesn't appear to stop him skiing every year.

Are things ok in other aspects of your relationship op?

dingdongdigeridoo · 23/07/2018 13:31

The city break places you’ve listed are all very do-able on your own. I’d avoid during the summer as the crowds are awful, but you could visit pretty much anytime you fancy. Or do you have an adventurous friend who’d be up for a break?

But I think the fact he won’t copromise at all is your real problem. If he’s flying to his ski break every year then obviously he doesn’t have some crippling phobia, and he was willing to make concessions to keep his ex happy, so why not you? I’d feel very unimportant if my DH didn’t take my preferences into account.

juneau · 23/07/2018 13:38

The first thing I would do is to get tough with him - tell him you're not going on one more walking holiday until you get to do something that you want to do! From now on I'd insist on a ratio of 1:1 trips that he wants to do vs. what you want. Stop kowtowing to his demands and start standing up for yourself. So fine, you go to the Lakes, but then you go to Rome or wherever. Just book it (it sounds like that's what his ex did).

Alternatively, do you have anyone else you could go away with? It is such a shame that years are passing by without you being able to visit the places you want to, while your DH gets to ski and walk every year to his heart's content. My DM is married to someone who only ever wants to go to France, so once a year she goes somewhere with my DSis for a week. They usually go to the US, which she loves.

A 45-year-old woman I know died this week from stage 4 cancer. She was diagnosed in early June. Two months ago she thought she had another 40 or so years in which to do everything she wanted. Seize the day - life isn't a rehearsal.

Butterymuffin · 23/07/2018 13:43

Go without him! Tell him you're booking something this week whether he comes or not.

MrsAidanTurner · 23/07/2018 14:14

I couldn't be with man who didn't want to go away with me. It's where you relax, have funny memories to make.

I'd be happy to go on trips with friends, family but for dh to never ever want to go away with me...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/07/2018 14:18

Have you a friend or sister/mum you could go with?

Original poster
holepunch88 · 23/07/2018 14:22

Thanks for the replies.

I did go to NYC with my daughter a couple of years back, but she is married with a baby now so can't do those kind of trips with me. I don't have any family or close friends to go with.

but I married DH, so want to go with HIM!

Ultimatums coming up....I too find airports/flights etc a bit dull, but endure it as I know sometimes it is the only way to get somewhere nice. Its the fact he used to go with his ex that bothers me most. He sat on planes, by pools, on beaches with her...but wont go with me!

OP posts:
Original poster
holepunch88 · 23/07/2018 14:25

Oh, we have been to France together a lot, and also Germany, and Italy. But on walking/touring type hols with the caravan. Not hotels.

I enjoyed it, but getting the van ready takes ages, then we/I have to make the bed, do some of the cooking, and then clean it all again on return. I want a hotel - someone else makes the bed, does the cooking and cleaning!

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 23/07/2018 14:38

He sounds selfish and I wouldn't be going on another holiday of his choice until you've had your turn to choose a destination.

Gatecrasher61 · 23/07/2018 15:09

Either go without him or look at doing a road or rail trip in Europe.

There are alternative ways to travel rather than planes.

LighthouseSouth · 23/07/2018 15:35

OP "its the fact he used to go with his ex that bothers me "

but it sounds like he's learned the hard way that he doesn't like it. Why do you want to have an unwilling companion?

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 23/07/2018 15:37

Rail links are fab in Europe. Eurostar to Paris, overnight train to Milan and then Italy is your oyster!

OneStepSideways · 23/07/2018 15:43

He sounds very self centred.

Is he a climber? My ex loved walking, climbing and winter sports so we did one ski holiday a year then one hot holiday. He ruined the hot holidays by moaning non stop about the heat, different food, airports, sand etc.

Camping in the Lakes sounds grim. We did it a few times, it was always wet and cold. Nothing relaxing or interesting about it.

I guess you could compromise with a spa break in Scandinavia or week sightseeing in Iceland?

juneau · 23/07/2018 16:36

it sounds like he's learned the hard way that he doesn't like it. Why do you want to have an unwilling companion?

Because a) she doesn't particularly want to do his trips either, yet does because she cares about him, and b) because she wants to go somewhere she wants to go for a change with her DH! Why should she keep accompanying him on trips he wants to do when he won't show her the same courtesy?

The key is compromise. Go out of the peak holiday season when it is less crowded and hot. If he doesn't want to lie on the beach/by the pool, how about choosing a destination where you can do this and he can go for a walk, if that's what he likes to do? The countryside around Rome is amazing for walking. Alternatively, you could agree that in the mornings you will go and do something together and in the afternoons you will do your own thing - thereby giving you both what you need from the holiday.

amw73 · 23/07/2018 16:46

My hubby was never into holidays until I came along. People used to comment that I would never get him on a plane but I did and now he loves going away.
Can't you make it as a birthday pressie or something so he has to come. Once he has done it once and enjoyed it it will be easier next time.
Don't forget there are trains and ferries if he really doesn't like planes.
It's not unreasonable to want to see something of the world. It's hugely important to me and my life. He needs to realise that.
If all else fails go with a friend....that might prompt him into action. You certainly shouldn't just accept his way. Life is too short xx

LighthouseSouth · 23/07/2018 17:44

@juneau

glad DP doesn't pressure me to do this kind of thing. there's compromise and there's just situations where you grit your teeth for the other person. I just don't put leisure stuff in that category.

tealandteal · 23/07/2018 18:13

Go on a cruise, if you leave from Southampton there is no flight at all! See lots of places, lots to do.

Lifeisabeach09 · 23/07/2018 18:15

Look into group tours, OP.
Such as Explore.

Luckyme2 · 23/07/2018 18:18

Was he like this before you married him? Happy to wait in airports and fly round the world with his mates and ex but not you? Its something that i would have had to have out with him before getting married to be honest.

Luckyme2 · 23/07/2018 18:21

amw73 he's not scared of flying or anything though. The OP says he regularly goes abroad with his mates and has been lots of places with his ex!

ivykaty44 · 23/07/2018 18:29

Well if he doesn’t like flying then he won’t be going skiing in the new year

CherryPavlova · 23/07/2018 18:40

I had one of these DHs. I did a several pronged attack. I bought him a city break as a present. We went to Annecy on Eurostar/TGV so lesss wastes time and he could work on the train.
Then I persuaded a couple we are good friends with to ask us in front of others to go to Iceland with them. I explained he didn’t like flying/ holidays which he denied emphatically and booked there and then. The next year we went to Budapest.
We do compromise but I also join him if he’s speaking or working abroad and ask his PA to extend the visit and book him a few days leave. We’ve done India/Sri Lanka/Denmark/Italy/UAE that way.
He’s now got used to the idea of travel, he still isn’t keen on idea but loves it when he gets there. We do make it more comfortable by using business class for flights over four hours. We do stay in nice hotels but we also do interesting things to balance beach time.