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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just had an argument with DH AIBU?

47 replies

Dizzylin · 22/07/2018 19:38

DH has, in recent weeks, taken up running two nights a week. He has also just been voted to be a school governor from September. Since being voted in for School Governor he has been to a couple of meetings and as he is handy has helped out with some DIY jobs.

He has been invited to go to the YR6 leavers night tomorrow. He told me about it and said would I mind him going. Which I told him I didn't mind but didn't see why he wanted to go as we don't know anybody in yr6.

I'm getting a bit fed up about how much time this school governer is taking up. We were told it would be 4 meetings a year. Officially he's not even a governor yet.

I have tried to talk to him tonight, after he asked me how I was feeling, saying I'm feeling a bit fed up at the moment because all I do is either work or look after the kids. I do anything by myself. I said I don't want him to stop doing his running or the governer stuff but I am struggling with the amount of time he's out and I'm left to sort kids etc.

He's turned around and said that I'm making him feel gulity and that he will stop running and that I said I would support him with his school governor thing. I've reminded him I haven't said I want him to stop I actually think it's good for him but I am struggling to get used to the amount of time he's out when I'm used to him being home every evening and I can't do anything because the kids always want me.

AIBU to be fed up to be left to do everything and just want some time for me?

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 22/07/2018 19:50

I think if you were expecting him to be out four nights a year and he has already been out loads for the governor post then you have every right to feel pissed off.

It does sound like he is delighted to have a free pass to miss out on family evening duties.

I would suggest you have another chat about the fact that this is not what you agreed to. Is there anywhere that you would like to go in the evenings? Or is it just that that you keep being left alone to do everything while he is helping someone else, rather than his wife?

LimboLuna · 22/07/2018 19:58

It’s not four nights a year, it’s school events (like leavers) weekend courses, day courses, day visits to the school. All ramped up during ofsted.
Obviously it’s fewer courses as time goes on but it is a big responsibility especially as he takes on a role within it (e.g governor of special needs or teacher recruitment) Then there’s emails etc as well. It will take up a lot of time, but is an interesting worthwhile job.

Original poster
Dizzylin · 22/07/2018 20:39

I agree being a school governor is a worthwhile thing. I suppose it's just taking some getting used to especially when I didn't expect it to take up so much of his time.

I'm feeling very lonely at the moment, I don't have any friends nearby that I can spend time with. I just want one night a week where I can go somewhere and not have to think about housework, money worries, kids etc.

I go to Slimming World but even that is a morning on my day off and I take DS with me.

I try to look at the positives in life, such as how lucky I am to have my two DC but I'm really struggling with that at the moment. DS still doesn't sleep through and I'm generally up at least once with him, I can't remember the last time I had a good nights sleep. I'm worn out.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 22/07/2018 20:43

Me and DH had a similar argument today; he didn’t really get that I wasn’t telling him to stop any of his activities but more just explaining my feelings. He was trying to fix it whereas I was trying to just talk about how I feel.

Lethaldrizzle · 22/07/2018 20:46

Why on earth does a governor need to go to a year 6 leavers party?!

JustVent · 22/07/2018 20:49

Question is - did he actually turn around?

OliviaBenson · 22/07/2018 20:50

He should be feeling bloody guilty. His activities shouldn’t be at the cost of the family. Without you holding the fort he wouldn’t be able to participate in these things either.

Do you get no free time at all? Something needs to change. You need to be a team.

L0UISA · 22/07/2018 20:53

You need to take up a hobby. Or even two. Ones that involve being out a couple of nights a week.

What things do you enjoy ?

Original poster
Dizzylin · 22/07/2018 20:54

Exactly user he just doesn't get it.

Ha ha vent that made me giggle. Thank you needed somebody to cheer me up a bit.

Olivia no, no free time at all. I need a break.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dizzylin · 22/07/2018 20:56

I don't know what I enjoy, I've been "Wife and Mum" that long I can't even think of what I could do.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 22/07/2018 20:56

School governor was always going to be more than the odd meeting, it's a big commitment, but could he not just go running one night and you get the other night for you? Could he take the kids to park run on a Sunday morning so he gets an extra run and you get a nice lie in?

Charley50 · 22/07/2018 20:57

@JustVent - lol, I always laugh when I hear that phrase too.

HollowTalk · 22/07/2018 20:57

I used to be in the PTA at my kids' schools and no governors went to events like that. Why on earth would anyone want a governor at a Leavers' Disco? It's all parents and children and teachers, dancing and crying. There's no role for a governor. That sounds really odd to me.

RainbowBriteRules · 22/07/2018 20:57

I’m afraid there is no way a school governor only needs to give 4 meetings a year. If they do, it’s either not a very good school or they wouldn’t be able to be a very good governor.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 22/07/2018 21:05

There are usually three main meetings a year but as a governor there's sub committee meetings, school presence at events etc as well.

You mention days off so presumably you work less than him so he has no choice but to do stuff in the evenings whereas you have non work time in the week.

hibeat · 22/07/2018 21:08

He had commitments before being a governor, they are important too, and guess what he will stop being a governor, at the end of this bridge he wants a family unit working. In other words, it's a difficult position so he needs to have a support system that works, it's not a good idea to brake everything before he's even started. Get a roadmap, you're in this together.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2018 21:11

You mention days off so presumably you work less than him so he has no choice but to do stuff in the evenings whereas you have non work time in the week.

She also mentioned having DS with her so no, not time off at all. Odd that you missed that. So out of character for you to criticize women and belittle what they do.

Floralnomad · 22/07/2018 21:13

Surely the point is that even if he runs 2 nights a week and does governer stuff on a third night that still leaves 4 nights for you to go and do stuff . Join a gym , take an evening class .

ShumpaLumpa · 22/07/2018 21:16

So out of character for you to criticize women and belittle what they do.

Grin
Arum51 · 22/07/2018 21:22

I just want one night a week where I can go somewhere and not have to think about housework, money worries, kids etc.

This is the issue, not what he's doing. This is what you need to insist on.

hibeat · 22/07/2018 21:25

Arum51 Right on. That might be the start of a productive conversation.

Original poster
Dizzylin · 22/07/2018 21:27

Yes I work part time at the moment but we have a 3 yo DS so it's not like I'm home alone.

It's not always just 1 night for governor things it has been 2 nights some weeks. Their caretaker is off sick so he's been helping out doing odd jobs too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dizzylin · 22/07/2018 21:31

You are right Arum51 that's what I'm struggling to get across to him. He thinks I'm just being arsey over the amout of time he's spending out of the house, perhaps I need to re-word what I'm saying to him.

OP posts:
BrownTurkey · 22/07/2018 21:32

So he’s doing one thing for him and one thing for his community - fine, as long as he is also covering his work and family committments (running might have to fit round that, he should commit to being governor for at least the year, but doesn’t have to be available for everything). You, I imagine, are mainly doing work for income and for the family - and slimming world (is this something that feels like its ‘for you’?) so you need some more me time/escape time/time to be a person outside of home too. And in between all this you also need to have family time. I would support his running and service, but ask him to be realistic about the time committment of both.

Vashna · 22/07/2018 21:36

OP, I can totally sympathise with how you’re feeling and I’ve been in the same position for many years, only worse because my DH is a workaholic with untold hobbies that take days / weeks, are often overseas and dangerous. You forget how to prioritise yourself, but you have to and I should have done it when the kids were little, not all 8 plus. Basically, don’t get mad, get even. Or don’t even get fully even, just do one thing for yourself to start with. Experience that feeling of swanning off for “you time” without a care or guilt. Pilates or yoga is fantastic for clearing the mind? On the weekends, tell your DH that you need an hour in a coffee shop, or go for a run / swim? Just two hours in the week, but it can make so much difference and everyone’s a winner because happy Mum means happy kids. Just do it. Don’t put it off. I wish someone had forced me years ago. Good luck and I just wanted to say many of us have been there. Don’t lose yourself!