Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Just had an argument with DH AIBU?

47 replies

Dizzylin · 22/07/2018 19:38

DH has, in recent weeks, taken up running two nights a week. He has also just been voted to be a school governor from September. Since being voted in for School Governor he has been to a couple of meetings and as he is handy has helped out with some DIY jobs.

He has been invited to go to the YR6 leavers night tomorrow. He told me about it and said would I mind him going. Which I told him I didn't mind but didn't see why he wanted to go as we don't know anybody in yr6.

I'm getting a bit fed up about how much time this school governer is taking up. We were told it would be 4 meetings a year. Officially he's not even a governor yet.

I have tried to talk to him tonight, after he asked me how I was feeling, saying I'm feeling a bit fed up at the moment because all I do is either work or look after the kids. I do anything by myself. I said I don't want him to stop doing his running or the governer stuff but I am struggling with the amount of time he's out and I'm left to sort kids etc.

He's turned around and said that I'm making him feel gulity and that he will stop running and that I said I would support him with his school governor thing. I've reminded him I haven't said I want him to stop I actually think it's good for him but I am struggling to get used to the amount of time he's out when I'm used to him being home every evening and I can't do anything because the kids always want me.

AIBU to be fed up to be left to do everything and just want some time for me?

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 22/07/2018 21:41

Just find something for yourself to do the nights he is off..one night. Take it into your own hands.
He probably hasn't totally worked out yet what needs to be done as a governor and what can be left.
But really its up to you..and l mean this kindly ..to find an activity for yourself. Gym/ book club/ running/ tennis/ whatever. Take a step this week and reclaim time for yourself.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/07/2018 21:41

He needs to learn to say no to some events - he doesn't need to be at a year 6 leavers disco. I'd say he can have 2 nights per week to use as he pleases, so if he does school stuff on both of them, he can't piss off out running on another 2. You should also get 2 nights to do as you please, while he has the kids.

You didn't agree to this level of commitment - he should have researched it properly before going into this. Don't let him make this your problem - he signed up, so he has to find a way to make it work without you having to cover his family commitments.

Gravitatewhere12 · 22/07/2018 21:53

I’m a governor and while it is more than 4 meetings a year, it certainly shouldn’t be weekly unless he’s the Chair, and I cannot imagine the governors being invited to the Year 6 leavers disco or any of the governors actually wanting to go if they were invited. It’s certainly not essential. YANBU.

crazychemist · 22/07/2018 21:56

The commitment will calm down, although it's going to be a bigger job than you thought.

The important thing is not how much time he is spending out, it's how much time you get:

A) to do things on your own
B) to do things with him without kids
C) to do family things together

Can I strongly suggest that you get a hobby that takes you out of the house one night a week, and agree with him that night he will be in charge of kids? You could probably also really do with having the odd "date night" with him, even if it's only every other month. Do you have someone that can baby sit on occasion? If he is out a lot during the week, it's more inportant that family activities for the weekend are organised in advance and agreed by all parties, otherwise you end up with a lot of "default parenting", which I bet gets done by you.

JustARandomBloke · 22/07/2018 21:59

Why can't he get up early and go running? Gives the family back 2 evenings a week very easily.

whatifI · 22/07/2018 22:00

At my kids school, Year 6 leavers is their end of year performance, with video clips and photos of events and achievements from throughout Primary and,especially, year 6. At the end of the evening excellence awards are handed out.
Head teacher, assistant head teachers, deputy heads and governors are all there.
It lets governors be involved and know what is happening in school, also a chance to meet parents

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 22/07/2018 22:05

I was a governor and having been a teacher, I thought I was sufficiently aware of the commitment. I was naive. There were FGBs, sub committee meetings, governor training sessions, attendance at Inset days, Christmas productions, Christmas lunches for the children, working parties, fetes, attendance at interviews, constant emails, new legislation, attendance at staff meetings, data to crunch etc etc.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/07/2018 22:05

Where's your leisure time, out of the house? Your exercise time? Your opportunity to volunteer, do something good for the community and gain all sorts of positive feedback, good feelings about yourself and become further established and respected in your local community (if you'd like to)?

My point being that yes he's doing 'good things' for his health and for other people and that is great. He's also doing things that are fantastically beneficial to his self-esteem, mental health and standing within the community. It's not all altruistic.

Everyone needs good physical and mental health, self-esteem and social interaction. You do too.

You don't need an equally worthy hobby. The basic principle is equal time to yourself, to do with what you will. That's a really simple principle, isn't it? Only a dinosaur who thought that childcare and domestic labour was 'women's work' by default could say otherwise. What does he say when you put that point to him?

Unfortunately it sounds very much as though, for one reason and other, you have become the default parent and housekeeper, on duty or on call 24/7 while he has clearly defined 'work' and 'leisure' time. Further, he feels he can make commitments that commit you to defined periods of domestic work, outside working hours, without fully consulting you, as an equal partner

If so you need to have a big chat about his duty as a parent, a husband and an adult who lives in the house and has a duty to contribute time and effort to the day to day and week to week drudgery of its upkeep.

Then, discuss your mental and physical health and your need for a social life in order to remain a functioning human being.

Volunteering is great but frankly, for your family, it is a luxury, coming after 'basic maintenance of social functioning and mental wellbeing' in any hierarchy of need. You both need to be meeting your basic needs before one of you can devote family time to a luxury. It sounds as though you're not in that position.

What to do - decide on a hobby to do weekly. Could just be 'going for a walk ', or meeting a friend, or an evening class, retreating to a quiet sroom and reading a book (I'd go out to do it though), or, anything at all.

Make it a commitment, stick to that commitment and make everyone else work around and give way to it, just as DH would for governors' meetings or running.

Dizzylin · 22/07/2018 22:07

Thank you for all of your replies.

I will find something to do for me, I don't know what yet.

I really don't want him to give anything up, he's part of a running club and it does him good physically and mentally. The school don't get enough support from parents IMO so I do think it's a good thing he's doing it's just a bigger commitment than I realised. I will just have to get used to it.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 22/07/2018 22:07

Firstly id be checking he was actually where he said he was. Weekly visits, and twice a week, as a governor is not the norm. Do you have find my Friend on your phones?

Secondly, put some effort into getting a hobby one evening a week. You will make new like-minded friends at a hobby.

Thirdly, carve out one night a week as date night for the two of you. No missing it without a fantastic reason.

Finally, why are you doing the night wake every night? Why is he jot sharing at fhe weekend?

SantaClauseMightWork · 22/07/2018 22:10

You should get time for your hobby too. As for the school, I feel your pain but I think you need to put your foot down now before it gets out of hands.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/07/2018 22:17

You do not 'just have to get used to it'. You need to agree a reasonable trial period, say one year, then assess the role; the impact it's having on your family, the pair of you as a couple and you as a person.

Do not act the martyr by 'making way' for anything and everything, just because it's 'good'.

You matter, you have value, you have needs. Prostrating yourself beneath every 'good thing' he'd like to do will result in your being trampled into nothingness.

I think it would be great if he can carry on the governor role. It's a good thing to do. But, you need to make an assessment, together, of the impact it's having and whether it is possible, for your family, for him to continue, once you know what the role really entails.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/07/2018 22:27

Btw, while ideally you'd be able to assess things after a year or so, if there's a seriously detrimental effect on your family before then, so that it all becomes a real struggle, you may have to reassess earlier.

Lougle · 22/07/2018 22:41

@C0untDucku1a I don't think there is any need to imply that Governor visits are suspect. It can suck you in, especially if you are a new Governor who doesn't know how to be selective and say no to things that aren't essential.

llangennith · 22/07/2018 22:53

I've been on the PTA for three years and no governors ever come to, or are expected to come to, any school event. Most of the governors don't do much at all. A few do all the work. Meetings are once a month.

Mary1935 · 22/07/2018 22:57

Hi is it a secondary school or primary - one of the friends is a parent governor and she only attends the meetings. He is being very selfish I think. Can you just go out and leave him at the weekend for a day so you have a break. Or look to finding yourself a hobby too. I would be resentful.

timeisnotaline · 22/07/2018 23:04

You don’t just have to get used to it. You have a right to request reasonable limits. The year 6 thing sounds ridiculous and he is almost certainly choosing to go to it rather than it being an expectation. I would say I’m struggling with the time amount and I need you to balance it, as well as I need some time for me. By balance it I mean that while I think being a governor is commendable, it’s taking a lot more time than you said. That may be how it is but I don’t like me or our family always being what gets dropped. If governor stuff is going to be 2 nights some weeks then those weeks I would like you to cut to one run not two so there is a night back. You don’t for a moment have to quit running but if your too evening priority is being a good governor then your second top priority can’t be running and your family get what’s left.

BackforGood · 22/07/2018 23:27

I really don't see the issue.
You say you are stuck at home, but you aren't. He is only running 2 nights a week. That leaves 5 other nights, less the times he is doing stuff at the school. Now, even if the nights at school averaged out at one a week (and they won't, but say they did), that still leaves 4 nights a week that you can do something.
If you are lonely, then you need to take the initiative to get involved in something, like your dh is doing. Doesn't matter what it is - sport, book club, volunteering, craft group, rambling, a Church, learning a new skill, or even becoming a governor somewhere yourself. Curtailing your dh's interests doesn't solve what your problem is, it just means 2 of you would be miserable.

itwasallveryfuckedup · 22/07/2018 23:36

Tell him to take the kids with him to school. They're his kids too. You're not default carer.

MakeLemonade · 22/07/2018 23:51

My DH is a school governor and also a charity trustee and involved in local politics - all time sponges.

One thing that helps me is seeing it as ‘my’ charity work too, enabling all of that activity is a big positive contribution to my community and beyond. This helps me tube in to my inner goddess of benevolence when I actually want to be annoyed!

tealandteal · 23/07/2018 08:41

The school governor thing will take up as much time as he allows it to. I'm sure they have tons of stuff he could be doing but he needs to manage their expectations and learn to say no. I say tell him it's fine to go to the leavers do if he really wants to but have a conversation about balancing your time. Set aside one evening a week for just the two of you, two for his running, say one for the school and then one or two for you. They don't have to be set in stone which days of the week if you don't want. Find something you enjoy for some you time. I've just started couch to 5k, yoga is good or a nice swim. Maybe learn a language.

Atalune · 23/07/2018 08:48

Being a school gov is a big commitment and takes up a lot of time. However it sounds like he’s A bit too eager to be there and do odd jobs. The school will take take take, they are so under funded!

Why can’t he get up early and run before work?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page