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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to move areas but husband doesn’t

34 replies

Veryfinethreadmyfriend · 22/07/2018 18:58

I’ll try to keep this brief. I grew up in a rural part of the U.K. Met my husband at Uni and we moved to London together then got married and moved out to a county close to London when got pregnant with first dc. That was about 10 years ago.

Have been happy here but have been feeling for a long time that i’d Like to consider moving back ‘home’ to the rural county where i grew up. We have been looking to move to a more rural area for some years now but husband wants to stay in the South East. Housing is so expensive we can’t really afford what we want here, but we could easily afford it back ‘home’ where housing is much cheaper. I also have siblings there and would be so nice to have family around - here I don’t have any family apart from occasionally in-laws who live about an hour away.

I have brought it up a few times and each time I get shot down or talked around as to why moving to a different part of the country is such a bad idea. My husbands job is reasonably well paid but he has said he doesn’t want to do it forever. However when I bring up moving areas, he says there are no jobs for him in my proposed area and that I have rose tinted glasses of what it would be like to live there.

Husband is a good man, but I am worried he has made his decision, he has his parents not far away and to be honest is always extremely sensible in his decisions and is quite anti-change. I appreciate this would be a massive step for him but AIBU to ask him to consider moving for me?

Just for info we have three dc and I don’t work at the moment but plan to go back in next couple of years. Am happy to take whatever job would be local and part time wherever I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Veryfinethreadmyfriend · 22/07/2018 18:59

Sorry that was not brief at all!

OP posts:
OutsideNumber79 · 22/07/2018 19:00

YANBU to ask him to consider it, but YABU to expect him to do it.

When you got together, you were living in the SE. To make a large change to the status quo, it has to be something you both want, it cannot be unilateral.

Original poster
Veryfinethreadmyfriend · 22/07/2018 19:01

Hi Outside - no we got together in another part of the U.K., a Uni town

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 22/07/2018 19:08

You've asked and he doesn't want too. He's very sensible to stay in an area where he can get work given he's the only earner. He'd also have to fund the whole thing so you can get what you want. It's all very one sided.

OutsideNumber79 · 22/07/2018 19:10

Nevertheless, you presumably made the decision to move to the SE together.

To make such a huge change you both have to want it.

OutsideNumber79 · 22/07/2018 19:11

And given he's the main earner, you have to stay somewhere where he can find work.

ConciseandNice · 22/07/2018 19:13

If he’s the earner he needs to be in a position to feel he can provide. YANBU to ask, but if he doesn’t want to I feel that this trumps your desire. Plus I can’t help but feel that he’s right about rose-tinted glasses. Moving ‘back’ is rarely all it’s cracked up to be.

youknowwherethecityis · 22/07/2018 19:17

I can see both points of view. Have you/he actually looked at the availability of his work back 'home'?

I also live in a county just outside London and work in the centre. I get family asking me to move back and I appreciate we could buy a house outright there and have a way better quality of life because I can just think about all the things we could do if our mortgage wasn't £1500/month. But there really are no jobs we could do. If this is the case for your DH then there's not much option to move.

CorianderSnell · 22/07/2018 19:26

I sympathise. I have struggled for a few years with wanting move to an area closer to where I grew up, which my DP is not much interested in.

A few thoughts:

  • is there a middle ground option? If you’re in Surrey say, and want to be in Devon, would it be worth moving to eg somewhere in Wilts with good road and rail back to London and easier family day trip potential? If your rural county is eg a Scottish one I can see how this is a non starter.
  • how often and in what context do you envisage seeing family? Are they the kind to do ad hoc childcare (mine aren’t) and that kind of thing? If not, would it make you feel better to commit to more weekend trips or day trips to your home county/family. Is a holiday home there any kind of possibility?

How do you feel about getting a job where you are? If you’re anything like me you may feel reluctant as it will tie you to your current area more, but it may well help you feel better connected/gain work friends etc and feel more settled where you are. Maybe you can try settling into a job first then revisiting the idea to see how you feel?

Is there a maximum age you would feel comfortable moving your children and are they near it? If so, you may just have to make peace with it not being something you both want...

Original poster
Veryfinethreadmyfriend · 22/07/2018 19:27

Thanks all - for many years I was the higher earner, we do consider ourselves a team so there is no ‘but I earn all the money attitude’ here. I’m just not convinced that there’s no jobs for him there, he might have to adjust his earning potential slightly or do a slightly different job (albeit in the same broad business type). We could make it work financially but i’m Worried he’s not willing to think about it.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2018 19:34

Do you think he’d be able to find work where you want to move to? That’s a huge consideration.

I can completely see where you’re coming from. I’m not far from where I grew up and would love to move elsewhere but can’t because of my step children so we’re stuck for at least a decade and by then who knows what life will look like.

Have you thought about the specifics? Where you’d live, schools, work etc. You won’t convince him to move if he’s happy where you are and he wouldn’t be able to find a comparable job. But you could fact up your idea which might help.

Original poster
Veryfinethreadmyfriend · 22/07/2018 19:35

Coriander that’s really useful thank you, and nice to hear of someone in the same boat!

Some things to think about for sure. That’s part of the pull - I get on very well with my siblings (so does dh) and we would definitely help each other out. I’m imagining pooping over for tea and our kids playing together, they’re all similar ages.
I did get offered a job recently but it was up in London and full time and I just decided I couldn’t take that on with the age my youngest is. Perhaps I’m just feeling a bit frustrated

OP posts:
Original poster
Veryfinethreadmyfriend · 22/07/2018 19:36

...popping not pooping! Grin

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SpiderDance · 22/07/2018 19:37

Whereabouts is it you want to move to? I live be in a fairly rural county in a very cheap area of UK and my husband has been out of work for two years now. Jobs are hard to come by. So he may have a valid point.

I love it here and I'm at University so we can't move anyway but it has been very difficult for my husband with no decent jobs. He has a very good job before he relocated for me.

Rebecca36 · 22/07/2018 19:40

It sounds as though he is very unhappy at the idea of leaving the area he knows. Would you be equally unhappy at staying for a few more years?

There may come a time when you can afford to buy somewhere near where you grew up, as well as having a decent house down here. Best of both worlds and it does happen!

MindMyOwnBeesSlacks · 22/07/2018 19:49

He'd also have to fund the whole thing so you can get what you want

What the actual fuck Hmm She is a SAHP, looking after both their dc. They would BOTH be funding.

It's hard OP. Dh and I have both quit our jobs, sold the house and are about to move to my home country with 2 dc and no jobs as yet. I'm nervous but I had no intention of staying in the UK for ever and dh knew this.

Is there a compromise area you can move to to be closer to your family but within commuting distance of your dh's work?

Original poster
Veryfinethreadmyfriend · 22/07/2018 19:57

It would be English/Welsh borders. He would have to find a job in Bristol/Gloucester or maybe Cardiff. I can completely understand where he’s coming from but it’s also for him that I’m thinking about it, not just for me. He has a killer commute here - train plus tube, rarely gets a seat and then has to drive home from station. I know what it’s like as I commuted for years, I feel like we’re getting old for this life style and the area is getting more and more congested. When we sit down (late) in the evenings we both complain about the same things so I guess I’m looking for a simpler life style - cheaper house, shorter commute, peaceful location and close to family. To be fair I know his priority is to ensure we can provide for the dc and our future, I just don’t want him to kill himself doing it! Perhaps I do have rose tinted glasses and it would be just the same back home! I just don’t know

OP posts:
Original poster
Veryfinethreadmyfriend · 22/07/2018 20:02

Thanks MindMyOwn, agreed we are a team, I have given up my opportunity to work in order to raise our children. I’ve done it happily but neither I nor my dh consider him ‘funding’ me in any way. Such an outdated point of view from Boxsets.

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Original poster
Veryfinethreadmyfriend · 22/07/2018 20:04

Btw that’s amazing MindYourOwn! Best of luck, I hope you both find every happiness! Flowers

OP posts:
MissCharleyP · 22/07/2018 20:08

Be careful what you wish for OP. I moved from NW England six years ago and lived in Herts/Kent/Beds, met DH while working in London (both worked for same company), unfortunately both made redundant Feb last year. He thought it would be a good idea to move back to my hometown as he took retirement after the redundancy. We bought a house outright but it is only in the last two months I’ve found a permanent full time job and I have to commute for that. If you were living rurally, he’d likely have a commute that was no different to his current one. It can also become expensive as public transport isn’t always as frequent/cheap/convenient and you will have to drive pretty much everywhere. I would never have moved from the south east. Never. I miss the variety of London and just being able to walk to the station and jump on a train to be there in under an hour. I have started to feel more settled now I’m working again, but it was definitely a struggle.

Nomorechickens · 22/07/2018 20:14

Research specific job opportunities for you both in your home area, housing costs, also opportunities for young people. No point in moving if your DCs all end up moving back to London. Draw up a business plan. Make your case.

missbattenburg · 22/07/2018 20:21

As a counter balance to MissCharleyP I moved out of London last year after spending years thinking I could never afford to move and take such a drop in salary.

I was surpised at how many jobs there are in the midlands and how well paid they are (in my field). I took a salary cut but also a bill cut and am about as well off as I was before - maybe a bit less. I commute the same amount of time but it is driving along country lanes which I love. I also found much more wfh opportunity here so only commute 2-3 days a week.

I have time for a dog and love walking him out in the coutryside every day. I wish I'd done it sooner - or at least researched and realised what was possible sooner.

youknowwherethecityis · 22/07/2018 20:38

What about moving somewhere less congested where it's commutable to his job but doesn't need him to drive, get a train and then a tube?

If that can be slightly closer to your family than you are now even better.

MissCharleyP · 22/07/2018 20:38

I’m not saying it’s all bad missbattenburg, just that the perceived benefits aren’t always what we think. Yes, we have no mortgage, but to be honest the only bills that aren’t as expensive are hairdressing and houses! For me, electric, gas, Sky, supermarket, petrol (this possibly more as I drive more) and my nails and waxing are pretty much the same. My commute time is roughly the same. However, as I said I feel a bit more settled now and very lucky to be mortgage free. I just struggled as I genuinely didn’t think it would take so long to find a job.

I’m working on DH to get us a dog...

Ethylred · 22/07/2018 20:40

There are no jobs for him and you don't work.
End of discussion.