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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s a bad sign when people suddenly start messaging less?

73 replies

AisleWindowSeats · 22/07/2018 16:53

Had first date with someone, he asked me out again same night and we had a bit of chat after saying how much had both enjoyed it. He sent last message, ended on a statement.

He had promised to send me some recommendations for somewhere and messaged again a couple of days later with them. I replied back thanking him and restarted the convo, answered his questions etc. Nothing since :s This was all yesterday afternoon...

Before the date, we’d been texting a fair amount to establish a connection...

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 22/07/2018 19:49

I’m with you OP.

In my experience, when a date has gone well the text messages ramp up, not dwindle.

Going quiet and texting less is not a good sign.

Original poster
AisleWindowSeats · 22/07/2018 19:57

I’m not being clingy/needy as I haven’t said anything to him!

To put into perspective

  • we were chatting for 10 days or so, a few messages a day, sometimes one or two. He double texted a few times and asked me out
  • go on date, it’s good, he pays and at the end asks me out again
  • we text that evening with chat and banter, he sends last message
  • he messages yesterday with some info. I message back soon after - nothing since
OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 22/07/2018 20:11

Perhaps he's doing something and his phone is not with him, or he has nothing to say at the moment. It's only been 24 hours!

xxconfusedxx · 22/07/2018 20:24

I've had this OP, he was messaging up to 100 times a day for three months then suddenly the morning messages stopped and he'd go for days without texting, apparently he was 'busy' but he was constantly on his phone online on whatsapp or facebook, like every 10 minutes. I think in todays world of online dating people are talking to more than one person at a time and they can't continue that level of effort with more than one person. With mine he told me on day that he really hoped it was long term then the next he never wanted to talk to me or be friends ever again, go figure?
You have my sympathies, it messes with your head so much!

RedSkyLastNight · 22/07/2018 20:25

I hate messaging but force myself to do it if necessary to start a conversation. Once I've got to know the person a bit better I naturally reduce right down, He's asked you out again ... surely that shows he's keen?

LavendarGreen · 22/07/2018 21:27

@Lastnightsmakeup

The 'it's only been 24 hours' pp's potentially don't seem like they have dated recently. Before meeting OH a few years ago I did quite a bit of dating. Going quiet so soon after a date isn't a good sign, especially when they had previously been messaging lots. They should be more keen after a date IMO. You can't dwell on it though, set up some more dates with other people and forget about him til he contacts you. Good luck!

Well put it this way. If I was in the early stages of dating someone, and they started getting pissy with me because I didn't contact them within 24 hours, I would bin them pronto! Awful clingy behaviour, bordering on controlling (and weird!)

PerverseConverse · 22/07/2018 21:31

@LavendarGreen but she's not actually got pissy with him. She's replied to his text and he hasn't replied so she's left it and not contacted him again. How is that needy and clingy? Hmm

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 22/07/2018 21:36

I'd get rid personally! Something is feeling off already which doesn't bode well. It could be that you communicate differently but that will end up being a massive issue in the future.
I'm also unsure if this is the best place for such advice as I find some MNers fall over themselves to say how little they contact their other halves. Like "oh I've been with my husband for 10 years and I trust him so much/am so busy/we're so comfortable in our relationship/whatever that he works away for a month at a time and we only feel the need to send one text the whole time".
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other just over a year and usually only get to see each other once per week and we text whenever we can! I don't see anything wrong with that at all as we're both happy with it and I can't speak for him but I still have a smile on my face and a little flutter seeing his name pop up!

LavendarGreen · 22/07/2018 22:10

@PerverseConverse

My post was in response to what @lastnightsmakeup said.

Even so, the OP - and anyone else - who gets stressy and pissy when they don't get an answer immediately, sound like hard work.

Couldn't be arsed with someone like that, and would bin them pretty smartish.

BackforGood · 22/07/2018 22:42

but this is annoying and rude

Hmm You are being completely OTT here. You wanted to get to know each other quite a bit before going on your first date - so texting was involved. You then went on a date. Seemingly both liked each other / had a good time / agreed not only that you'd both like to see each other again, but actually arranged the date. Now you are getting huffy because he hasn't texted you for 24hours !! I'm with LavendarGreen. I know, at this point you haven't yet said anything to him, but clearly what she means is you needing a text within a few hours is a clingy / needy situation for a person you;ve only met once. It might be that you need to speak that often, but lots of people are telling you that other people would find it oppressive. Whether that is a deal breaker for you, is up to you to decide - I guess it depend how much you liked him and how many other dates you have queuing up to go out with you. Personally, as you enjoyed the first date, I'd get to know him first and see how it goes.
WaterOffaDucksCrack · 22/07/2018 22:44

I don't see where the op is "pissy" though? It may be a shock to some people but not everyone is the same. I couldn't be arsed with someone who either didn't think I was worth a reply/wasn't interested in speaking to me or is playing some kind of wierd hard to get game. No one is too busy to send a "bit busy but will reply properly soon" or "how about meeting at X at this time for our next date?"

ilovesooty · 22/07/2018 22:47

If someone messaged me 100 times a day I'd block them. Weird.

MyOtherProfile · 23/07/2018 05:28

Do you have a second date arranged?

actualpuffins · 23/07/2018 05:54

One thing that would certainly make me block someone is them sounding neurotic and desperate if I hadn't replied to a text for 24 hours. And starting a thread on social media about it.

Biologifemini · 23/07/2018 06:08

Texting all the time with pointless conversation is super annoying.
Just say what you are going to say and leave it.
How are you feeling today? Fine thanks. That’s it. No one needs to explain if they have a headache or are a bit tired.
It is a good sign that he isn’t wasting his time while doing other things.

Monty27 · 23/07/2018 06:15

Ah I'm hoping to get a text back from somebody I met in real life a couple of weeks ago. They're either not interested, very busy, or not realising someone is checking their phone for a reply.
If he's interested you will hear from him. Even if it is eventually.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 23/07/2018 06:22

It sounds like he’s not interested but at the same time give him the benefit of the doubt.

Set an alarm for two days later and if he hasn’t been in touch by then just bin it.

OLD is brutal and you need to treat it like a project and don’t get too attached at first.

strawberrisc · 23/07/2018 06:27

I can’t be arsed with games. When I used to date I would never double text (unless we were past the initial dating bit) and I wouldn’t leave it for hours either. People over complicate things. If two people really like each other there is no need to play games.

I wouldn’t double text him.

LastNightsMakeUp · 23/07/2018 06:33

@LavendarGreen As @PerverseConverse Pointed out op hasn't got pissy with him. She replied to his last message and and hadn't had a reply. The warning signs here are the change in behaviour from before the date, which was seemingly nice. I didn't read it as a second date had really been arranged, more that it was just mentioned on the first date? Regardless my advice was to busy herself and keep her options open, I don't see the harm in that.

It's a bit harsh to the pp who said about op making 'a social media thread' about this. She's hardly scrolled all over her fb. I'm never going to begrudge or judge someone for asking for advice/ looking to vent on an anonymous platform.

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 23/07/2018 06:35

My Friday and Saturday were so busy that yes, a guy i was keen on messaged Thursday and it took me til Sunday to get back to him. No games, no OLD tips, no women are from venus stuff. Just a really hectic couple of days from dawn til dusk.
Don't overthink it.

Coyoacan · 23/07/2018 06:36

I'm glad I'm too old for this dating lark, I'm hopeless at texts. But I've found some people are much more interesting in texts than in person and hopefully vice versa.

BlueTears · 23/07/2018 06:44

@AisleWindowSeats
You have no idea what's going on in his life, he could have had an accident, he could have lost a relative.
Your not that close, you've been on one date, he probably wouldn't want to tell you that stuff.
Just give him a break!

SummerWinter · 23/07/2018 06:58

I'd give it another few days and not be in touch. You'll know by then either way depending on if he is in touch again.

I'm in a situation where it is their turn to start a convo as I've started the last few and I suddenly became aware that while they always respond right away including to meet up away they haven't started a conversation in weeks. It's uncomfortable and vulnerable feeling like a pursuer, especially when they've demonstrated previously they are perfectly capable at starting conversations with the flimsiest excuse.

Am starting to wonder how long to give it in my mind before quietly writing the situation off.

Excited0803 · 23/07/2018 07:18

Sometimes I think I've replied to a text when I haven't, particularly if I'm busy. No way would I always respond within 24 hours, nor to every message when I'm busy. It's online dating, so he could be dating a few people; he could also be busy with work, family or friends. If you've had one date then you are not his top priority, nor should you be, that would be really weird. He's just a man, give him a chance if you liked the date. What is it you so desperately want to talk to him about? Just message him that, then carry on with your day. If he still doesn't reply, or if you don't find his level of chat interesting, there's plenty of time to move on. Getting jealous about him time and level of interest after just one date is going to lead to heartbreak, it's just so unlikely that you'll meet a perfect "in love with you at first sight" man who has no behavioural issues and is free to dedicate himself to pursuing you at the times of day you prefer. Real relationships take time to build.

Nettletheelf · 23/07/2018 07:24

You’ve already got a second date arranged. Just go on the date. You’ll soon know whether he’s gone off you!

It’s >10 years since I was on the dating scene but even then I found it a bit odd to be constantly exchanging texts with somebody I didn’t know that well. Texting has its place in new relationships of course but eventually it gets a bit inane. Also, I was a bit suspicious of men who wanted to text all the time after one or two dates. I expected them to be the type who were all over women very quickly then would drop them like a hot potato as soon as the woman in question showed signs of not ticking every box on his imaginary checklist. That’s not a grown up way to behave.

Just go on the date. Perhaps he thinks that lots of texts are teenagerish and silly now that you have met in person. I tend to agree.