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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up of all these weekends alone

30 replies

purplerain000 · 22/07/2018 14:33

DP has a hobby that takes up around half of his weekend days. At least one weekend a month he will go away for the whole weekend (early saturday morning until late Sunday night), and he will also spend probably 2 extra Sundays a month doing this hobby. So 4 days out of the 8 weekend days a month, I'm alone.

I know you're going to say I should find things to do, and I try. I go out shopping, I go on days out, but it gets to a point where even this gets boring or too expensive.

This weekend I have been in the flat all weekend watching TV. My family live far away and I have no friends so no one to see.

AIBU to want him to spend less time on this hobby?

OP posts:
LovelyBath77 · 22/07/2018 14:37

I spend a lot of time going swimming at the gym, could you do something like that perhaps?

LovelyBath77 · 22/07/2018 14:38

I think would find DH a bit needy if he tried to stop me going as much, I need the time out. Maybe yours does too?

AjasLipstick · 22/07/2018 14:39

You definitely need to expand your social network OP. Would you like to make friends with someone locally? Or not?

FatTory · 22/07/2018 14:40

YABU why should he give up or cut down on doing something he loves just because you don’t have the motivation to find something you enjoy. You could try different hobbies yourself, go for walks, visit places of interest, museums, art galleries etc. You could volunteer for a variety of things, or get an allotment or find out if you have a timeshare farm near you. Local animal shelters often need help walking dogs. I had thus with my XP. He was happy to sit at home with the tv on all weekend and got cross at me wanting to continue my dance classes. You are being selfish xx

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/07/2018 14:45

This weekend I have been in the flat all weekend watching TV. My family live far away and I have no friends so no one to see

That is the problem; not his hobby. You can't realistically ask him not to have a hobby and friends because you don't.

What would you like to do? The gym is a good suggestion - or meet up groups?

LittleBirdBlues · 22/07/2018 14:47

Unless you have children that you end up caring for by yourself every time he's away, I think YABVU. Find a hobby or friends and fill your time with things you enjoy.

It isn't healthy to rely on one person to make you happy and give your life purpose.

teaandtoast · 22/07/2018 14:49

I love time by myself, purplerain but YANBU for wanting to spend more time with your dh. Presumably that's why you married him!

Is it possible to go with him on his weekends away and explore the local area while he does his hobby? Something different to do for you and you could eat together in the evenings and share the same room.

bluebird3 · 22/07/2018 14:57

I disagree with previous posters. When I moved a long way from my family it was a big sacrifice. I didn't appreciate my dh spending all his weekends working or doing his hobby. He has sacrificed his hobby (greatly reduced it, not stopped) because we talked about it and he understood my point of view. A few years later and I have more going on in my life, and I don't mind if he spends more time doing the hobby now.

RedSkyLastNight · 22/07/2018 15:04

bluebird I don't think OP has said she moved away from family for her DH, has she? And most adults don't spend every weekend day with their parents/siblings even if they live close by.

I'd recommend volunteering, or joining something like a local walking group - that way you are kept busy and there are people around you, but you don't have to be friends iyswim?

If you do ask DP to reduce the number of weekend days he spend on his hobby you'll still be on your own for some of them ... and they'll still need filling.

worstmotherintheworld · 22/07/2018 15:04

How are things with him on weekdays?

UpstartCrow · 22/07/2018 15:06

What do you do together?
And shopping is not a hobby.

HateIsNotGood · 22/07/2018 15:11

I you don't have any dc - go away for weekend breaks. Actually, even if you do have dc, still go away on weekend breaks.

Or maybe go away with DP and do your own thing - hopefully you can do that - else I might suspect you might be a bit 'needy' and DP needs these weekends away from you. Hopefully not the case.

Other than that you'll just have to find ways of amusing yourself.

RosyPrimroseface · 22/07/2018 15:14

Why do you have no friends?

GoofyIsACow · 22/07/2018 15:15

Do you have children OP?

Tara336 · 22/07/2018 15:16

My exH (note the ex) worked every weekend when we first married, then changed jobs and was working even longer and more unpredictable hours. It made lif incredibly lonely as I was left with our younh child to care for alone. He took up cycling and joined running clubs so he had some downtime. The minute I could I got myself a social life and apparently I was taking the piss going off enjoying myself! Some people are just selfish he was one of them now he is an ex husband who has as much free time as he likes (and apparently lonely)

user1467662525 · 22/07/2018 15:17

You sound very young, why not spend times with friends or get a hobby yourself? Cherish the ‘alone’ time.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 22/07/2018 15:17

Oh I could fill 4 days per month EASY - Gym, swim, yoga (classes - meet nice people more or less guaranteed, plus more practice at home), go for lovely walks and have a cup of coffee, in this beautiful weather walk up a hill or to a beach and read a book.

I think YABU unless

  • you never spend any fun time together on the other weekends OR
  • he leaves you all the shit weekend jobs to do on your own
WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 22/07/2018 15:19

oh...and another unless, does the hobby financially impact on your household finances to the degree that you can't afford to do anything (like go visit old friends).

gillybeanz · 22/07/2018 15:20

YABU you must have known about this hobby, and if it's new you could have said no.
I wouldn't be involved with a man with hobbies that took him away from the family, so I found one that didn't.
it's hardly rocket science.

ilovesooty · 22/07/2018 15:22

What's preventing you from developing interests and hobbies? Your contentment isn't his responsibility.

scaryteacher · 22/07/2018 15:27

I entirely understand OP, both from the point of many weekends spent alone pre and post ds, as dh was away with work; and from the point of view of his hobby. My current dh's hobby means sometimes all his summer leave spent doing it, and no family holiday. I think the last time we took ds away for a family holiday (and even then it was based around dh's hobby) was when he was 11. He is 23 in 3 months time.

The previous hobby (obsession) was all consuming as well, involving weekends, one evening a week and stacks of admin as he also got involved with the organisational side. I did a shit load of overtime on the basis that if he wan't going to be around during my free time, I sure as hell wasn't going to have his dinner cooked and be about for when he deigned to fit me in.

It's not as easy as get out on your own - perhaps the OP doesn't like spending time alone. If the hobby was painting Warhammer in the cellar, then all well and good, or restoring a car, but when the hobby occurs some distance away (in my case in another country); is not family friendly, and you can't partake in it, it is not much fun. Dh asked me to go with him once. I asked what was there for me to do whilst he was doing his thing....'you can make coffee and sandwiches and help the other wives in the clubhouse'. Err no thanks.

At least when we move back to the UK next year, the hobby will be taking place 25 minutes away, and I will hopefully have a job, and be able to spend part of the weekends with my Mum, so it won't be so bad.

Crinkle77 · 22/07/2018 15:29

I get you op. People are right about getting a hobby but I agreed it is annoying sometimes. The whole weekends revolve around the hobby.what will happen off you have kids will it be acceptable for him to go off then and leave you at home with the kids? I think people might have a different opinion then. I have seen other posts on here where the partner had been slagged off for going away doing a hobby. My partner used to play footy every Sunday. It was annoying that we only had 1 day at the weekend to spend together. He has given it up now thank God.

scaryteacher · 22/07/2018 15:29

My current dh's hobby ooh, a Freudian slip there; should have been my dh's current hobby.

FinallyHere · 22/07/2018 15:35

For lovely walks in a friendly group, have a look at www.ramblers.co.uk , for a wider range of interests try meetup.com. Enjoy your weekends.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 22/07/2018 15:39

Im not sure why the op is getting such a hard time..surely if you are married the point is that you spend weekends together....id be really pissed off to be dumped in favour of a hobby !!!