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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DP thinks I'm a bad person for doing this

503 replies

youmustneverbreakthechain · 22/07/2018 09:50

Long time lurker, first time poster.

This is long, but please bear with me!

I’m willing to be told IABU but I don’t think I have been. I’d really would like some opinions as my partner is currently not really talking to me, apart from responding to my questions arsely, and thinks I have ‘attitude problems’ with regards to this issue. I wrote this yesterday and he’s still not speaking to me properly:

Background: DP has a lovely grown up daughter from previous relationship (ended over 15 years ago). She has a daughter (6yrs), and is in a relationship with a guy (perhaps for two years now although we’ve known him for around 18 months) who also has a young daughter. My DP and I have a DS, (5yrs). We see my DP’s grown up daughter maybe once every month/6 weeks, either just her with her own daughter, or with her partner and his daughter too (but she has often been at her mums when we meet). We all have a very nice relationship together, we all get on well etc.

My DP’s DD invited our son and us to her partner’s daughter’s fourth birthday party, which is, of course, really lovely. I already had booked and paid for a class/event thing before the invite so said I couldn’t, but no problem, my DP was going to take our DS. I had my plans, he and DS had theirs. All good.

Last night DS is sick. Vomiting etc, and this morning still pretty much high temp, sleepy, unhappy. So he sadly can’t go to the birthday party this afternoon.

However, my DP said ‘you know if he’s not better by this afternoon, I’ll have to still go’ meaning that although he was originally taking DS this afternoon, he now wants me to miss my class (that is non refundable and a one off thing - it’s not something that is planned to be repeated) to look after sick DS, so he could go to his daughter’s partner’s DD’s 4th birthday party.

I said that I already had plans that couldn’t be changed, my class/event was not refundable (materials had to be bought) and was a one off. And that I’d still be going. DP was pissed off and thinks I’m out of order. He thinks it is more important that he go to the party and see his daughter, so I said why didn’t he go up earlier to see them, and come back in time, or go and see them for breakfast tomorrow morning (to which he replied ‘don’t be so ridiculous’ although it’s something absolutely viable).

Anyway, he is pissed off, and leaves the house and says he’ll be home in time for when I have to leave for my event. Transpires he’s going to go up there to see them before the party (which I had suggested anyway).

He gets home, still pissed off with me. I go to my class, come back and he’s still pissed off with me. Not engaging properly when I try and talk to him. I ask him if he’s going to be arsey to me all evening. He thinks my attitude is out of order as I should have cancelled my event (losing my money) as him going to the 4th birthday party trumped my class/event and I should have forgone it and stayed at home to look after DS. Later when he’s had a few beers he says he’s started to hate me (because I’m so out of order).

AIBU to have gone to my class/event? I don’t think I am because my event was 1) booked and paid for before the birthday party invite 2) my son (who was the main reason to go, it being a kids party) was ill and he was meant to be caring for him this afternoon originally and 3) that there were alternatives for him to see his daughter and her family (whilst there weren’t alternatives for re-doing my event and it was not refundable).

I am willing to be told IABU (just be gentle with me!) OR is he BU for saying I’m wrong and thinking I’ve got a bad attitude/I’m out of order (and continuing to be being angry with me)? He's starting to make me question myself, am I a bad person?

The ironic thing being his daughter is lovely and would have completely understood the situation.

OP posts:
Fivelittleduckies · 22/07/2018 11:12

YANBU at all

JustVent · 22/07/2018 11:13

Tbh the non-refundable part is a red herring.

Fact is, she booked it before any of this party nonsense was mentioned.
In my world that’s what trumps it.
It would of course be different if it was a granddaughter but it’s not.

Bibesia · 22/07/2018 11:13

My dad comes to my children’s parties and he doesn’t have a 5 year old.

Well, quite, Slanety. His own grandchildren, and in circumstances when he doesn't have competing obligations with his own sick child. Would you really be massively offended if he didn't come to a party but visited earlier in the day with a present? Would you insist that he should only come to the party, even if it meant your mother missing out on something she wanted to do?

Original poster
youmustneverbreakthechain · 22/07/2018 11:17

@Slanetylor I don't know why you think I'm more concerned about the money, or think the little girl is less important. I think it's important for my DP (and me) to spend time with his DD and her family. We do and we all get on well. However, our DS is ill, and therefore plans had to change. Because there was an option for him to do go up the same day, there was an obvious compromise. The little girl doesn't care whether he attends the party or not - that he still went up there and gave a gift and spent time with them is what mattered (it made her feel important, and showed his DD he cared) - it was an option that was available. If it hadn't been an option then it would have been different. But it was.

Money is by no means more important, but for context as we are pretty skint - I never spend any money on myself, but it's not about that. I am the one who always has to change my plans if DS is sick (take time of work etc). To be clear, he could still go and spend quality time with them to say happy birthday and give gift, help set up the party, and care for DS, and for me to do something I rarely get to do.

Please don't insinuate I think money is more important. It's not true.

OP posts:
Bibesia · 22/07/2018 11:19

Well being at his step grand daughters party was obviously incredibly important to him

It's not really that obvious. I still struggle to reconcile your perception that it was "incredibly important" with the fact that he can go for six weeks quite happily without seeing his daughter and step granddaughter.

The fact that he decided it was important doesn't mean that his wishes have to override his previous agreement to look after his child whilst OP goes on her pre-booked course (previously agreed with him) which she will never be able to do at any other time.

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2018 11:19

God I hate these drip feeds.

Ok op, you're not unreasonable, you're skint, never get to do anything for you and are always the one who cancels to look after your kid.

Happy?

Mumto2two · 22/07/2018 11:20

As a parent of a child who is regularly sick, I had to give up my career to be there to look after her as and when it was needed. Let alone one solitary class..refundable or not. It’s missing the point I think. I would have stayed at home to look after my sick child, and neither money or gender has anything to do with it.

Slanetylor · 22/07/2018 11:20

I’m not sinuating. You said it several times.

SoyDora · 22/07/2018 11:24

I would have stayed at home to look after my sick child

Even if there was another parent there, equally as capable of looking after their child? I’ve often gone out when my children are under the weather, when they have their equally as capable and loving father their to care for them. And vice versa

Bibesia · 22/07/2018 11:25

Bluntness, how is it a drip feed? OP is entitled to answer the allegation that all she cared about was money.

And Slanety, if you think the issue is only about money, did you miss the part where this is a course that OP will not be able to re-book on another occasion? You keep avoiding the point that she wasn't stopping her husband visiting his granddaughter on her birthday, she simply, and reasonably, wanted him to keep to the original arrangement that he would look after his child at the agreed time. If he really wanted to attach a condition to his agreement that he would only look after his son if he could take him to the party, he should have said so before OP booked.

gamerwidow · 22/07/2018 11:28

One of the parents should definitely stay to look after the sick childdiesnt have to be the mother.
Me and DH have both missed work and planned events due to child sickness. You should manage it on a case by case basis.

Phuquocdreams · 22/07/2018 11:28

I agree with others that the main source of his anger is his assumption that you are the default parent and he should never have to amend his plans to look after a sick child, as that is your job. Your update confirms it. It’s the anger of an entitled man.

Pepper123123 · 22/07/2018 11:28

YADNBU!

His plans changed, not yours. He was taking responsibility for your DS that day so it was on him to be reasonable and stay home.

Kids birthday parties are for the kids.
Your DP and his DD are both adults, I'm sure they could muster the energy between them to come to a mutually beneficial rearrangement.

What does you DP think a single parent would do in that situation?

I'm amazed that people think an unrelated four year old is more important than your DS or your class that was booked and paid for in advance.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 22/07/2018 11:29

If the dad was that bothered... why couldn’t he arrange childcare for the kid while he went to the party for a couple of hours? Maybe his parents...? You know.... like a mum would have to do, because I don’t know if many men that would change their plans if it was assumed the Mum would be caring for the child.

I’m quite taken aback by all the women thinking the Mums plans should be shelved and not the dads. I knew most men thought this (good old male privilege) but I thought women were waking up to it more...

RabbitsAreTasty · 22/07/2018 11:29

Why do you always cancel your plans? Why doesn't he do his share normally?

Slanetylor · 22/07/2018 11:30

I think I’ll inriduce a signed contract like that for all events.
I’m really interested. My partners hobby is important to him but not to anyone else. I’ve made it clear that family trumps his hobby if an event comes up.
I don’t make it clear before he books something what the exact terms and conditions of canceling are.

Slanetylor · 22/07/2018 11:32

NO ONE IS SAYING THE SON IS LESS IMPORTTSNT THAN THE STEP GRANDDAUGHTER, we are saying the step granddaughter is MORE important than the hobby. Not every day, just on her birthday. Not every birthday, just the first birthday that her stepmother is organising.

BewareOfDragons · 22/07/2018 11:34

we are pretty skint - I never spend any money on myself, but it's not about that. I am the one who always has to change my plans if DS is sick (take time of work etc).

This doesn't surprise me at all. Again, I think this has given you the perfect opportunity to point out that this isn't reasonable. His having a penis doesn't mean you should be the one who has to constantly give up your own life, plans, job when things go wrong to do the grunt work. Your child has two parents, but he clearly feels that he only gets to pick and choose what he wants to do, the fun bits, and you should pick up everything else... just not on.

Slanety is sounding an awful lot lie your stropping husband, OP. Just ignore.

gillybeanz · 22/07/2018 11:34

It's not even a relation of his daughters let alone him.
what a twat.
I couldn't be with a man like this, good luck for a future with him OP.

JustVent · 22/07/2018 11:35

Inriduce?

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2018 11:35

Of course it's a drip feed. And stated to make her look reasonable.

Op, bottom line is your partner has said he has started to hate you due to your behaviour, this isn't something someone says normally to someone who is always the one giving in. As such there are deeper issues here, basically you're both arguing to try to not look after your sick kid.

For you your class was more important, for him it was showing support to his daughter by attending this little girls birthday party. Neither felt your child was more important and I sincerely hope the little guy didn't hear his parents arguing about not wishing to look after him.

Whichever way you cut it, it doesn't mattter what people on here thinks, there are significant problems in your relationship and you both resent each other and the parenting responsibility you have.

Original poster
youmustneverbreakthechain · 22/07/2018 11:35

"No they both had something they wanted to attend. They were both looking forward to their events. But the partner had to change his plans because the OPs plans cost money."

@slanetylor no, he didn't have to change plans because my event cost money. It was because our DS was ill, and that there was the option of him being able to get to still see them and make the girl feel special, and spend a good few hours with them on the day and, with timings, be there at the beginning, and be back in time for him to look after our DS to do something pre booked and planned. Which is what happened. No one thinks he's a cunt for wanting to go. It's great that he wanted to go, and as I said, if there was no other way that he would have seen them it would have been different.

It's not a hobby, it's a one off event

OP posts:
Whyisitnotcompulsory · 22/07/2018 11:36

YANBU. I'm glad you didn't bow down and miss your class.

llangennith · 22/07/2018 11:36

YANBU but I think you should step away from this thread now because there are some real nutters posting on it.

JustVent · 22/07/2018 11:36

It’s NOT A STEP GRANDAUGHER.

It’s just a daughter of the boyfriend. A 4 year old person who will give absolutely no fucks if some guy is there or not.

No fucks.