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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DP thinks I'm a bad person for doing this

503 replies

youmustneverbreakthechain · 22/07/2018 09:50

Long time lurker, first time poster.

This is long, but please bear with me!

I’m willing to be told IABU but I don’t think I have been. I’d really would like some opinions as my partner is currently not really talking to me, apart from responding to my questions arsely, and thinks I have ‘attitude problems’ with regards to this issue. I wrote this yesterday and he’s still not speaking to me properly:

Background: DP has a lovely grown up daughter from previous relationship (ended over 15 years ago). She has a daughter (6yrs), and is in a relationship with a guy (perhaps for two years now although we’ve known him for around 18 months) who also has a young daughter. My DP and I have a DS, (5yrs). We see my DP’s grown up daughter maybe once every month/6 weeks, either just her with her own daughter, or with her partner and his daughter too (but she has often been at her mums when we meet). We all have a very nice relationship together, we all get on well etc.

My DP’s DD invited our son and us to her partner’s daughter’s fourth birthday party, which is, of course, really lovely. I already had booked and paid for a class/event thing before the invite so said I couldn’t, but no problem, my DP was going to take our DS. I had my plans, he and DS had theirs. All good.

Last night DS is sick. Vomiting etc, and this morning still pretty much high temp, sleepy, unhappy. So he sadly can’t go to the birthday party this afternoon.

However, my DP said ‘you know if he’s not better by this afternoon, I’ll have to still go’ meaning that although he was originally taking DS this afternoon, he now wants me to miss my class (that is non refundable and a one off thing - it’s not something that is planned to be repeated) to look after sick DS, so he could go to his daughter’s partner’s DD’s 4th birthday party.

I said that I already had plans that couldn’t be changed, my class/event was not refundable (materials had to be bought) and was a one off. And that I’d still be going. DP was pissed off and thinks I’m out of order. He thinks it is more important that he go to the party and see his daughter, so I said why didn’t he go up earlier to see them, and come back in time, or go and see them for breakfast tomorrow morning (to which he replied ‘don’t be so ridiculous’ although it’s something absolutely viable).

Anyway, he is pissed off, and leaves the house and says he’ll be home in time for when I have to leave for my event. Transpires he’s going to go up there to see them before the party (which I had suggested anyway).

He gets home, still pissed off with me. I go to my class, come back and he’s still pissed off with me. Not engaging properly when I try and talk to him. I ask him if he’s going to be arsey to me all evening. He thinks my attitude is out of order as I should have cancelled my event (losing my money) as him going to the 4th birthday party trumped my class/event and I should have forgone it and stayed at home to look after DS. Later when he’s had a few beers he says he’s started to hate me (because I’m so out of order).

AIBU to have gone to my class/event? I don’t think I am because my event was 1) booked and paid for before the birthday party invite 2) my son (who was the main reason to go, it being a kids party) was ill and he was meant to be caring for him this afternoon originally and 3) that there were alternatives for him to see his daughter and her family (whilst there weren’t alternatives for re-doing my event and it was not refundable).

I am willing to be told IABU (just be gentle with me!) OR is he BU for saying I’m wrong and thinking I’ve got a bad attitude/I’m out of order (and continuing to be being angry with me)? He's starting to make me question myself, am I a bad person?

The ironic thing being his daughter is lovely and would have completely understood the situation.

OP posts:
Slanetylor · 22/07/2018 10:46

I think that’s the entire point. He’d go if it was his granddaughter but this girl isn’t important enough.
His daughter is going to have a hard time being a step parent to this less important human if that’s the attitude.

Leesa65 · 22/07/2018 10:47

OP

YANBU at all .

Botanicbaby · 22/07/2018 10:48

YANBU at all and it’s worrying he’s making you doubt yourself about this.

He’s throwing his toys out of the pram and having a tantrum as he didn’t get his own way. It suited him to attend the child’s party with DS. But staying at home to look after ill DS, not so much. Cos that’s YOUR role in his eyes. He can be the parent when it suits him & him alone.

I hope you enjoyed your class. I’d be icy with fury at his arsey behaviour with me and I hope you don’t apologise or pander to him. Saying he hates you is vile. Time to take a long hard look at the relationship. Is he as attractive to you since displaying this childish behaviour?

TheBlueDot · 22/07/2018 10:48

Do people seriously think his daughter would have preferred her dad to attend her partners childs birthday party over looking after her ill brother???

This is blatantly about a man pissed off that his afternoon plans had to change and that his wife didn’t change her life around to suit him. Nothing to do with blended families, daughters needing support (at a 4-year olds party!) or step grandchildren being put out that step grandad couldn’t come to a party (when he’d already been to see the child and hand over a present).

SoyDora · 22/07/2018 10:48

I’m assuming the course isn’t a ‘crap non event’ as otherwise she wouldn’t be bothered about missing it, would she?
I find it so sad that there’s an assumption that a woman should drop everything for an ill child, but a man doesn’t have to make any sacrifices, ever. He still got to see them and take a present. The event was a one off that the OP wouldn’t have the chance to do again.
Even if you think the OP is selfish (because she’s a woman and should drop everything), do you really think the partner saying ‘I’m starting to hate you’ is reasonable?

Saracen · 22/07/2018 10:48

Sorry haven't RTFT.

YANBU. Your DP should have stayed well away from his DD's family altogether, given that he may well have been spreading a puking bug around by visiting them.

BewareOfDragons · 22/07/2018 10:49

You were NOT being unreasonable in the slightest. He was. And it sounds like he's now being an utter dick about it. That's on him, not you.

Slanetylor · 22/07/2018 10:49

There’s definately 2 sides.
I don’t think the OPs hobby is more important the her partners family. But she does.
It’s a hard one but I do think both sides have good reasons for their upset.

ItsNachoCheese · 22/07/2018 10:50

Yanbu he was being unreasonable. Its a shame ds missed the party but your class was a one off and you had paid costs to it which you would of lost if you hadnt went

Bibesia · 22/07/2018 10:51

I think that’s the entire point. He’d go if it was his granddaughter but this girl isn’t important enough. His daughter is going to have a hard time being a step parent to this less important human if that’s the attitude.

Well, yes. Sick son is more important than a granddaughter's or step granddaughter's birthday party, every time. If daughter's partner and daughter don't understand that, they need to learn.

seventhgonickname · 22/07/2018 10:52

0p,did he buy the present for this child.?Or did you ?

emmyrose2000 · 22/07/2018 10:52

YANBU.

Your husband is being absolutely ridiculous.

Slanetylor · 22/07/2018 10:53

No the issue is that the daughter for the first time is having a part for her maybe step daughter. Is inviting her father to attend and is trying to show the little girls that she’s important. It’s not an event that will ever happen again. ( there’s loads of threads here about baby’s first party that baby won’t remember ). This 4th party was a huge milestone in their life together. But it wasn’t more important than OPs course that she had already PAID for. No one is saying the OPs partner wanted her to take in female nursing duties. He merely wanted to support his daughter in what was a big day for her.

HolyPieter · 22/07/2018 10:54

He's a cunt.

Is he always this abusive when he doesn't get his own way?

UpstartCrow · 22/07/2018 10:54

This thread illustrates the gulf between being the default parent and being the other, more privileged parent.

mirialis · 22/07/2018 10:54

YANBU - do not have your class that you booked and paid for dismissed as a mere "hobby" that his needs trump and do not accept being told by your DH that he "hates you" because he had to look after his sick young DS rather than have a full free day with his adult DD.

Slanetylor · 22/07/2018 10:55

Of course his sick son is more important than his step granddaughter. Of course he is. But the son also has a mother who could have stepped in if she wasn’t so concerned about her money.

Bibesia · 22/07/2018 10:55

I don’t think the OPs hobby is more important the her partners family. But she does.

No, she doesn't. She thinks it's more important than her partner attending a birthday party, and she's right. There is nothing whatsoever that is sacred about a grandparent attending a party - and, let's face it, it would probably never have been on the cards but for the fact that his son was invited. OP is perfectly happy for him to spend time with his daughter and her family, and him doing so earlier in the day makes perfect sense. In fact, I suspect his daughter appreciated that far more than having him standing around at the birthday party like a spare part.

Storminateapot · 22/07/2018 10:55

I think you suggested a perfectly reasonable compromise to a less-than ideal situation. The child got her present, his daughter got to see him, his poorly son was cared for. If he was an intrinsic part of the event then maybe he'd have a point (eg was the clown or something) but he was just accompanying his son to a 4 year old's party. It wasn't necessary he be there, he just wanted to be.

There were no available compromises with regard to your course and it would have wasted money not to go (given that it was a sunk cost).

To sulk for hours, then tell you he 'hates' you because of this is very childish behaviour. He HATES you because he didn't get what he wanted? Seriously?! He loses any moral high ground he may have occupied by that remark alone.

What is he usually like? Does he always have to get his way or manipulated you by sulking & nasty words? If he does you have bigger problems than this. His behaviour sounds very unattractive to me.

Slanetylor · 22/07/2018 10:56

I think OP enough people agree with you. But I agree with your partner. And I would be pissed off too. You can ignore his feelings and be right if that’s important to you.

Bibesia · 22/07/2018 10:58

Slanety, where do you get all this fantasy about the party being massively important to OP's stepdaughter, needing her father's support and all the rest of it? There's no suggestion of it in the OP. It's pretty clear that the only reason they were invited at all was that the son was invited. If the daughter was that desperate for support, surely her father would see her more often than every month/6 weeks?

SoyDora · 22/07/2018 10:58

Slanetylor would you tell your partner you hated them if you didn’t get what you wanted?

MarklahMarklah · 22/07/2018 10:58

YANBaU.
You offered a perfectly reasonable alternative so he could still see the child. He chose to make a drama out of it.
If it had actually his grandchild, he'd have still been unreasonable.

Slanetylor · 22/07/2018 10:59

I can’t imagine the step mother having anything except a small little family party. She won’t know the 4 year olds play school friends or anything. So it’s a small family party with no family. That’s embarrassing for her.

fieryginger · 22/07/2018 11:00

This is one of those, life not being black and white but having grey areas.

You both are not being unreasonable. You both have perfectly valid reasons for wanting to go to your respective "do's".

I'd have said for you to go to your class, but OH to visit granddaughter as soon as you'd have come home.

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