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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please help! Husband and MIL advice needed.

31 replies

mrsspencer87 · 22/07/2018 08:43

Morning ladies and gents! Need an outsiders point of view on something that happened again yesterday (happened many times before too) if I can please?
Let me start by saying I love my husband whole heartedly without a shadow of a doubt. We have been together 4 years and have 2 DDs together.
My problem is, whenever we argue about something small that could be sorted out betwern ourselves, he runs to his mum behind my back to tell her whats going on and in the heat of the moment will tell her ever little detail about us and whats going on. Now he is 31 and we literally never see his mum, She has never been bothered about coming to see her grand children unless its an hour at birthdays or christmas. She is always with her other grandchildren and never has time for ours, yet comes running if she smells any bit of bother between me and DH so she can put her 5 pence worth in. AIBU to be so annoyed that once again he has run to his mum about stuff that should stay between him and me? I never open up to my family or friends about silly stuff so I get annoyed when he does this as it feels like he goes behind my back to a woman who ignores her own grandchildren. Sorry for the rant, just wondering if I'm the one who's in the wrong but Im too wound up to see it! I should also add my husband lived on the streets for 3 months a few years ago after a failed relationship as his mum told him not to go knocking on her door if it didn't turn out well, so if she didn't want to know and help him then when he was at rock bottom, why does she since he got married to me?xx

OP posts:

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 22/07/2018 08:47

I hope my children will always turn the me for advice and comfort regardless of being married or single. I will always be their parent.

Frequent arguments aren't healthy at all so it's good he has someone to turn too. Some turn to their friends, others family.

Maybe she's learnt from her past mistakes and wants to be a better parent this time should it go wrong for him again.

Your disklike of her comes across clearly so maybe that's why she's not keen on a relationship with you.

Shoxfordian · 22/07/2018 08:48

Your husband sounds very immature

LongSummerDays · 22/07/2018 09:05

He shouldn't be telling his mum anything about arguments. You and he will resolve the argument but she will remember and possibly it will discolour her opinion of you.

He must stop doing that as it's going to cause resentment and could drive a wedge between you which could cause your relationship to break down.

My ex after any arguments would often say "at your dads funeral I'll piss in the grave" and then wondered why our relationship broke down.

Juells · 22/07/2018 09:10

Sounds like he's very needy for attention from his mother, and when you have a disagreement it gives him an excuse to go running to her. And since it isn't going to cost her anything, she encourages it.

The loser in this situation is you. Don't know what you can do about it, but I suspect it will get worse. As pp said, he's very immature and is hardly likely to improve in his thirties. Move away, or accept that your dirty linen is always going to be discussed with her :(

heartsease68 · 22/07/2018 09:13

Ignore boxsets that is crackers advice. Parents getting involved in their grown up children's relationship issues crosses all sorts of boundaries and shouldn't be happening as it can't end well. He needs to resolve these issues with you as an adult, without bitching about you.

flumpybear · 22/07/2018 09:27

I agree your husband sounds immature and needs to sort his own problems out not run to mummy - ask him how he's feel if you went to your dad and told him all the intimate details of your arguments

mrsbont87 · 22/07/2018 09:30

Thankyou everybody. I have bitten my tongue writing the original post as I thought I better not go into too much detail as to why I get so wound up about it all but let me just say a couple more things. Boxsets we dont argue frequently, yesterdays argument was about something small and pathetic. I have always welcomed his mum with open arms into our lives as she is still his mum and who am I to drive a wedge between them? When MIL decides she wants to see our children, its only ever our youngest (the eldest is from my previous relationship) that she ever wants to see or take out which has only ever happened on 4 occasions in 4 years. She buys our youngest about £50 worth of presents for christmas (shes 2) and our eldest gets a colouring book, felt pens and chocolates. How is that fair? I keep quiet as I dont want to drive a wedge between anybody, but this is why I get annoyed when he runs to her. I dont want or ask for nothing from her but its a kick in the teeth over and over again xx p.s Ive changed my name on here now.

BottleOfJameson · 22/07/2018 09:33

YANBU. It would be one thing if he went to her for impartial advice or to sound off and she remained impartial and just leant a sympathetic ear. If she comes and gets involved that's another thing. I also think there has to be some privacy in a relationship. There are definitely things I wouldn't want my husband to share with other people!

KC225 · 22/07/2018 09:43

Boxsets is barking and a terrible MIL. Ignore.

Yes, YANBU. The odd bicker and (non violent/abusive) arguments are normal for some couples and clear the air. It's the unspoke seething resentment that causes deep down damage. If she only comes over after an argument to stick her oar in then she must have a very lop sided view of your relationship.

A poster above said your DH is immature and I agree. If he was so confident of his views/stance in the arguments then he wouldn't need mummy to come and fight his battles for him.

You deserve more respect that, how would like it if you did the same. Maybe call him out brief you mum or uourbbest friend to come round and see how he likes it.

Laiste · 22/07/2018 09:44

OP you're going to get lots of confusion name changing during a thread as lots of posters have OPs posts highlighted and skim through.

FWIW i think it sounds like a quite dis-functional relationship going on between your partner and his mother and won't be something easily sorted out.

mrsbont87 · 22/07/2018 09:50

Sorry for the name change, i only joined this morning to ask this and didn't realise it wouldn't change it on my main post, sorry xx

Racecardriver · 22/07/2018 09:54

This behaviour is very wrong. More than anything it souunds like he needs therapy.

BlueJava · 22/07/2018 10:00

That's very immature of him. I'd ask him how he'd feel if you did the same to your Dad or Mum. His DM is strange too - whilst I hope my kids will always feel they can come to me if something serious happened if they came and wanted to talk about a row with their OH I'd tell them to talk to their OH not me.

mrsbont87 · 22/07/2018 10:05

The reason why yesterday tipped me over the edge was, he finished work at 2pm and she drove to pick him up and took him out for lunch. He text me to tell me he wad having lunch with his mum trying to save our marriage!! Surely if he fely that strongly about this argument that he was thinking of divorcing me, then why was he sat with his moyher discussing our marriage whilst I was at home looking after the kids? Am i wrong to think he should of been with me trying to sort it out not her?x

Scoopofchaff · 22/07/2018 10:10

He needs to discuss things privately with you as an adult.

And his mother should have the discretion and wisdom to not involve herself in your marriage (except to be generally supportive) and to tell him she won't be discussing such matters with him, and that he needs to grow up and talk to you.

crispysausagerolls · 22/07/2018 10:17

I have mixed feelings about this and I’ll tell you why:

I was once in an abusive relationship and constantly discussed it with friends and family, looking for support/strength to leave. I was “banned” from doing so by ex (and ironically by HIS family) because it was inappropriate and an abuse of trust etc etc. And I found it really fucked up to be told who I could and couldn’t talk to. I do think it’s normal to want to discuss some relationship issues.

On the other hand, now that I am happily married I never discuss DH in that way. I simply have no need to, and I would feel disloyal barring a horrific argument or something (yet to happen) going into detail about our private discussions. I would also be horrified to find he was discussing our business with his mother.

So I don’t know. I think it’s a balance - if he had told her one or two things or she was more involved in your lives, perhaps it would make sense. It’s his prerogative to discuss stuff with who he likes BUT it’s understandable (and HE should understand) that it makes you feel less open about what you are able to say to him. I know I would not feel free to always speak my mind if I thought it would get reported back to MIL.

Scoopofchaff · 22/07/2018 10:28

Crispy agree that different rules apply where abuse is occurring.

The rest of the time, I think it's important that one's first loyalty is to one's oh.

Bibesia · 22/07/2018 10:37

I hope my children will always turn the me for advice and comfort regardless of being married or single. I will always be their parent.

Seriously, Boxsets? You would really want them to come to you rather than their partner/spouse? Please don't tell them that, you will either drive them away or ruin their relationships.

bluebeck · 22/07/2018 10:37

He text me to tell me he wad having lunch with his mum trying to save our marriage!!

He sounds about 12. It also sounds as though his mother is emotionally abusive, and it could be that the only way he is getting any attention from her is by running to her with over dramatised stories about your marriage crumbling because he forgot to put the buns out or whatever. I think he needs counselling to work through this.

Can you talk to him about it?

Bibesia · 22/07/2018 10:40

He texted me to tell me he wad having lunch with his mum trying to save our marriage!!

He really sounds like an immature pillock. This is redolent of 6 year olds saying "I'll tell my mum on you, so there" It's particularly ridiculous if, as you say, the argument was about something small.

BewareOfDragons · 22/07/2018 10:44

He actually texted you that he was with his mum to save his marriage with you?

Wow

i'd remind him immediately that his marriage is to you and not his mum, and if your marriage is in trouble like he's suggesting, he's making it worse by running to mummy to 'save it'. He should be talking to you.

I'd pack his bag and tell him to go home to mummy while you think about what you want.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 22/07/2018 11:08

I hope my children will always turn the me for advice and comfort regardless of being married or single. I will always be their parent

But it's not about you and your need to be needed by your children though, is it?
If one of your adult children is having problems in their marriage/relationship then that's something they need to resolve with their partner. By running to you instead of communicating with their partner that's just going to create more distance between them.

Ginkypig · 22/07/2018 11:10

Well he can't save a marriage without the other person so him running off to lunch with anyone other than the other half of the marriage isn't going to work is it!

Unless there's abusive or controlling behaviour (which needs desperately others involvement) then involving others in more than a quick chat for perspective way is only going to lead to bigger problems, resentment and the failure of the marriage because the other partner will feel alone.

MikeUniformMike · 22/07/2018 11:28

Boxsets is talking crap.
If your DH slags you off to his mum, she will take his side.
He should not be slagging you off to his mum.

mrsbont87 · 22/07/2018 11:38

Thankyou everybody. Our marriage is far from abusive, never has been I'm lucky to say. Thats why I get annoyed by it all. I've spoken to him for hours last night and we have aired it all out and are fine now, but I cant help but think she will always come first x

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