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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Said ‘I love you’ but didn’t get it back

51 replies

Mimmim112 · 22/07/2018 05:31

Have to be brief as he’s asleep but will wake up soon. Been with boyfriend about 6 months, we’re early 40s. We’re compatible, get on great, want same things etc. Have felt like I love him for a while and said it last night. He said ‘awww’ and cuddled me and then said ‘how do you know?’ To which I replied I just did. so obviously he doesn’t feel the same yet, or maybe he never will I guess. I wasn’t that surprised he didn’t say it back as he’s previously said it takes him ages to fall in love and he’s not sure he ever has been. Obviously long term I don’t want to be with someone who’s not in love with me but not sure at what point I should cut my losses! I don’t want to make a big deal of it with him but I’m not sure if I should just say nothing and wait, or ask him if he thinks his feelings are going that way or what. Please be nice!

OP posts:

Worlds0kayestmum · 22/07/2018 07:45

I told my DP I loved him after 4 months and he replied he was 'smitten' with me. Took him a little bit of time but we have been together 5 years with DC and he tells me he loves me several times a day now

Chinnyreckoning · 22/07/2018 07:53

Yeah I told my dh after a few months. I can't quite remember the response but I think it was along the lines of 'That's nice '
I had to ask him about it a few days later as I was wondering. He said he'd felt honoured and that he'd loved me too whatever that meant as he'd never been in love so he wasn't sure if that was what it was. Married 8 years and he says it far more than I do.

SoShinySoChrome · 22/07/2018 08:09

I’ve had people tell me they loved me and treated me like shit.

Love is how he treats you.

wellBeehivedWoman · 22/07/2018 08:25

Give it some time - he might be getting there! And well done for saying it yourself. Telling someone you love them is a gift, and it takes bravery and generosity.

LotsToThinkOf · 22/07/2018 09:23

When we'd been seeing each other for about 6 months my now DH misheard me and thought I'd say I love you, before I could correct him he'd started babbling on about how great we were together and how nice it was getting to know each other etc, etc. He was driving at the time and it was just so awkward. The moment passed before I could correct him, and then I never did.

I didn't say it until after he'd said it to me, I did feel like I loved him a couple of months after the car incident but since he already thought I'd said it it was his 'turn'. Since I'd apparently said it and he didn't reciprocate, saying it again would have felt like I was pressuring him.

I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting to say it, rather than reciprocating. As long as it's all going nicely and there are no red flags I wouldn't worry too much. If you get past the year mark and it still hasn't been said then I'd definitely be reconsidering.

He's being honest, which long term is the best thing even if doesn't feel great right now.

RoboticSealpup · 22/07/2018 09:37

The first time DH told me he loved me, I wasn't ready to say it back. But I really did!

matchingpjs · 22/07/2018 11:06

As a previous poster said love is how someone treats you. My exdh was still saying I love you the morning he packed his bags and went to live with the ow. He’s been having an affair for six months and I had no idea. We would say I love you’s all the time. In the end it was only words

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 22/07/2018 11:30

@TinyRick It would have been even worse if he'd replied "I know"...

lidoshuffle · 22/07/2018 11:50

So many people trot out "Love you", "Love you lots" etc to friends, that when someone takes their time saying it, in a romantic-love context, it is rather lovely. It's a declaration, when (hopefully!) he does make it, that will mean something very significant as it was not made lightly.

Nikephorus · 22/07/2018 11:53

I’ve had people tell me they loved me and treated me like shit.
This ^^. Words are all well & good but it's actions that count.

parkermoppy · 22/07/2018 12:01

it's good in a way that he didn't say it back, or i think it's a reflection of someone being caring, because if he didn't care about you he wouldnt mind saying it back even if he doesn't feel it yet.
at least you know if he doesn't love you he won't tell you he does

TheStoic · 22/07/2018 12:05

I don’t understand the logic in telling someone you love them (especially early on), and expecting them to say it right back.

Surely it’s a very personal thing?

Galaxi · 22/07/2018 12:08

He's not obliged to say it back.

Would you prefer he lied to you or said something he didn't feel. It's a strong word with strong repercussions. He may not be ready

babyboyHarrison · 22/07/2018 12:13

I think if he makes you feel loved then don't worry too much about the words. My husband took a long time to say it and I nearly broke up with him about it. So so glad I didn't. He made me feel loved it was just he couldn't quite say the words. How he treats you is far more important. Give him more time if you think he is worth it. Nearly 10 years and two kids here. Best man I have ever known.

FlorencesHunger · 22/07/2018 12:15

He will say it when he is ready but I wouldn't put too much emphasis on it.
If his actions and deeds are clear and you feel cared for then that's all that matters imo.

I had a dp who said it and I hadn't heard him so to him might have seemed like I totally ignored him at the time. He stuck around and I told him I loved him one night a few months later. It was completely natural when I said it and at the time I wasn't aware he had said it before and his reaction was over the moon.

Deadringer · 22/07/2018 12:17

You were right to tell him how you feel. He is not sure how he feels and that's ok too. If he treats you well and the relationship is good why wouldn't you continue with it? Its still fairly early days imo, If it becomes really important to you in time that he is in love with you, then it will become a deal breaker but I wouldn't rush to end things based on this.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 22/07/2018 12:56

The first time I told DP I loved him he said ‘why would you say that?!’ I think it just took him by surprise, he said it himself a few weeks later. Just because your boyfriend wasn’t ready to say it now doesn’t mean he’ll never love you.

SugarIsAmazing · 22/07/2018 12:59

My partner told me he loves me a few weeks after we met. If I tell him I love him he replies with "I told you once, if anything changes I'll let you know."

crispysausagerolls · 22/07/2018 13:00

I think you should tell someone you love them because you want them to know, not because you are expecting to hear it back. I think in a way it’s good he hasn’t just replied “I love you too” - it’s more honest and special for him to wait until he wants to say it, not just say it as an expected response.

Basta · 22/07/2018 13:07

Pretty much every man who has ever said it to me has later rescinded it.

haggispreservationsociety · 22/07/2018 13:08

Is he affectionate? Does he introduce you to his friends, family etc and make time for you? Those are the things that matter.

Mrsfs · 22/07/2018 13:50

The first time my husband told me that he loved me, I said 'ummm, thank you', he stayed with me though and when I was ready, I said it back. We have been married for 10 years. We laugh about it now but I know it was hard on him at the time.

Watda · 22/07/2018 14:10

Ah, I feel you OP. It’s an awful feeling isn’t it to have put yourself out there emotionally and for it not to pan out how our hoped.

As PPs have said if he otherwise treats you well and you feel you’re heading in the right direction, I wouldn’t worry too much.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 22/07/2018 14:35

Dh told me he loved me first. I just went "aww" and sort of patted him. Then 10 minutes later asked him if he wanted a sandwich.

Even now, after 17 years I probably have said it to him 3-4 times. It is just not something I find easy to say.

Although not with the kids, they get told every day.

Does it actually matter? You get on well, the relationship is good. To put so much stock into 3 words that some people can say as easy as they breathe. I do not think the words mean anything. Not as an adult.

Confusedbeetle · 22/07/2018 14:38

Some people show they love you and never need to say the words

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