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Original poster

Issues with contact with DPs stepdaughter

50 replies

Stepstepmother · 21/07/2018 16:19

Hi,

I’ve namechanged as this is quite outing and I don’t want this linked my my other threads.

Basically here’s the situation. I’m getting married in a month and my fiancé has an ex wife. We met after he was already divorced so no OW situation here! When he married his ex wife she had a baby of a few months. This baby was raised as my DPs child and calls him Dad. She’s never met her biological father and there are no plans for you to happen. The divorce was not pleasant. My DPs ex packed up her bags in the middle of the night and moved out. She informed her daughter when she was upset about leaving that there was no need to be because DP wasn’t her real dad anyway. The child was about 5 at this time and this was the first that she had heard about her Dad not being her biological dad.

Since the divorce, my DP has tried to keep contact with his stepdaughter. This has been difficult but he usually sees her every weekend if he can. The child is now 11. The child also has a very good relationship with DPs parents who she calls nanny and grandad - they see her regularly and have taken her on holiday etc.

The problem has come recently - my DP has been posted away for 3 months for his job. Still in the country but about a 4 hour drive away. His daughter was due to visit with his DPs this weekend but all this week her mother has been telling her how far away she will be and how much she will miss her - consequently she decided not to come. (This is despite that fact that the mother regularly disappears for days at a time leaving her daughter to be mostly raised by her parents) I just feel awful for my DP as he was really looking forward to seeing her - we also think it would have been good for her to see where he was and that it was only a car ride away.

Our concern is that due to my DPs job he could theoretically be posted away for much longer than 3 months at any time, and we’re worried about how difficult contact will be. Particularly as he is not her biological Dad, although he is the only Dad she’s ever known.

Has anyone been in any similar situation. What would you advise?

(Sorry this is so long - I have additional details that I didn’t want to add to this saga but if they become relevant I’ll add them, and risk the dripfeeding allegations!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepstepmother · 21/07/2018 16:24

Sorry - I didn’t realise this was so long!!

OP posts:
KeepServingTheDrinks · 21/07/2018 16:29

I think if he wants to see her, he's going to have to travel the 400 miles on his weekends off and stay somewhere locally. A B+B or with old friends or family?

It's not the SD's fault her dad has moved so far away.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/07/2018 16:30

Did he formally adopt DD?

Original poster
Stepstepmother · 21/07/2018 16:33

He never formally adopted but he did get parental rights when they were together.

Yes - I know it’s not the SDs fault but it’s also not DPs fault about the distance. He doesn’t get weekends off - he has one day off a week, usually on a week day. Him coming back for a weekend is not an option

OP posts:
Rockyrockcake · 21/07/2018 16:37

Would the mum allow them to write to each other and make phone calls?

Original poster
Stepstepmother · 21/07/2018 16:40

Probably. But it’s not the same as him seeing her and her seeing him. It’s not just about the next few months it’s about precedent for the future

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 21/07/2018 16:42

If he has parental rights (unless they were squashed as part of the divorce which would not be normal) then he has a much rights as any parent. He could take the contact issue to court and get something formal arranged.

Original poster
Stepstepmother · 21/07/2018 19:57

At the moment everything has to be done the way his ex wife wants - he has no control over anything

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 22/07/2018 15:43

is he paying her maintenance?

sue51 · 22/07/2018 16:14

Just like any other parent who moves away, it's his responsibility to travel to see his daughter.

Original poster
Stepstepmother · 22/07/2018 18:35

For goodness sake - his ex is being incredibly unreasonable. Do you just refuse to admit that because he’s a man and she’s a woman??

OP posts:
HellenaHandbasket · 22/07/2018 18:37

No, it is always said that who moves travels.

Does he pay maintenance?

VladmirsPoutine · 22/07/2018 18:40

Does he pay maintenance and do they communicate via other means e.g. whatsapp?

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 22/07/2018 18:44

Does he not come home at weekends? It seems odd that he would make her travel to somewhere he is just working for 3 months rather than coming back to see her at somewhere familiar to them both. Where is his home?
(DH in the army and often posted away for 2 years at a time. A 4 hour car journey once a week to get back home is completely manageable)

Original poster
Stepstepmother · 22/07/2018 18:53

It’s not making her travel. She was happy to
come, her loving grandparents were bringing her. Then her mother poisoned and manipulated her all week with emotional blackmail. Her mother who regularly disappears whenever she wants, leaving her daughter with her parents.

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 22/07/2018 18:57

You're avoiding answering - does he pay child support for her ?

VladmirsPoutine · 22/07/2018 19:00

Right ok. We get that she has doting grandparents and according to you an emotionally abusive mother. But. But... Does he contribute financially for her upkeep? You know.. all that stuff that kids need to live; like clothes, food, warmth, a roof over their head?

Mindchilder · 22/07/2018 19:00

I think it's a bit unreasonable to make a child travel that distance. Can he take leave to visit her?

HarshingMyMellow · 22/07/2018 19:02

@Stepstepmother it's amazing how much you know about her mum and what happens whilst the child is at home...

Honestly, it's not your business. It's between your partner and her mum. If he really wants contact and he has parental rights then he needs to go to court.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 22/07/2018 19:06

The sex of each doesn't matter, whoever moves does the travelling be it male or female. They are millions of different jobs, he doesn't have to do one that takes him so far away.

Given the non reply to child support, I'm guessing it's a no.

Original poster
Stepstepmother · 22/07/2018 19:06

I do know what happen so when the child is at home because she talks to me and my partner and tells us. But I guess mums can do no wrong ey? Even terrible ones

OP posts:
DoYouWantABourbon · 22/07/2018 19:07

My DPs ex packed up her bags in the middle of the night and moved out

How many women do you think run away in the middle of the night? And why do you think they do it?

Original poster
Stepstepmother · 22/07/2018 19:07

For goodness sake I’m not avoiding the question - just answering others. Yes he gives her money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepstepmother · 22/07/2018 19:08

Why is everybody turning this round to be my DPs fault?? This is ridiculous. He’s only ever tried to dot the right thing, right from raising her baby as his own (which she wanted by the way - he didn’t push her into it as I’m some of you will decide is what happened)

OP posts:
Cheby · 22/07/2018 19:24

OP I’m very sympathetic to your DP’s situation but it’s absokuteky standard that if one parent moves, even through no fault of their own, they are the one to travel to see DC.

Also...how do you know what the ex has been saying to his DSD?

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