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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Issues with contact with DPs stepdaughter

50 replies

Stepstepmother · 21/07/2018 16:19

Hi,

I’ve namechanged as this is quite outing and I don’t want this linked my my other threads.

Basically here’s the situation. I’m getting married in a month and my fiancé has an ex wife. We met after he was already divorced so no OW situation here! When he married his ex wife she had a baby of a few months. This baby was raised as my DPs child and calls him Dad. She’s never met her biological father and there are no plans for you to happen. The divorce was not pleasant. My DPs ex packed up her bags in the middle of the night and moved out. She informed her daughter when she was upset about leaving that there was no need to be because DP wasn’t her real dad anyway. The child was about 5 at this time and this was the first that she had heard about her Dad not being her biological dad.

Since the divorce, my DP has tried to keep contact with his stepdaughter. This has been difficult but he usually sees her every weekend if he can. The child is now 11. The child also has a very good relationship with DPs parents who she calls nanny and grandad - they see her regularly and have taken her on holiday etc.

The problem has come recently - my DP has been posted away for 3 months for his job. Still in the country but about a 4 hour drive away. His daughter was due to visit with his DPs this weekend but all this week her mother has been telling her how far away she will be and how much she will miss her - consequently she decided not to come. (This is despite that fact that the mother regularly disappears for days at a time leaving her daughter to be mostly raised by her parents) I just feel awful for my DP as he was really looking forward to seeing her - we also think it would have been good for her to see where he was and that it was only a car ride away.

Our concern is that due to my DPs job he could theoretically be posted away for much longer than 3 months at any time, and we’re worried about how difficult contact will be. Particularly as he is not her biological Dad, although he is the only Dad she’s ever known.

Has anyone been in any similar situation. What would you advise?

(Sorry this is so long - I have additional details that I didn’t want to add to this saga but if they become relevant I’ll add them, and risk the dripfeeding allegations!)

OP posts:

HeebieJeebies456 · 22/07/2018 19:53

so he's paying for a child that isn't his and he has no court approved access to?
more fool him.

VladmirsPoutine · 22/07/2018 19:55

Yes he gives her money

This sounds like a very round-about way of saying he doesn't pay child support or maintenance but does chuck a tenner in an envelope on special occasions.

bluebeck · 22/07/2018 19:58

As he has moved away, yes, he should be the one to travel to see SD. Four hours is a long way.

Why are you so bothered about this? How does it affect you?

It sounds like you just don't like the ex wife...

Original poster

Stepstepmother · 22/07/2018 20:01

No - I don’t mean he chucks a tenner in an envelope - I mean he pays regular money for a hold he has no guaranteed contact with. I’m sure you’ll find a way to twist that too though.

Why am I bothered? Because we’re getting married in a month and I hate seeing he person I love so upset. Surely it would be weird if I wasn’t bothered??

OP posts:

Original poster

Stepstepmother · 22/07/2018 20:02

And no - I don’t like the ex wife. Because of the way she treats her daughter though, no other reasons.

OP posts:

Original poster

Stepstepmother · 22/07/2018 20:03

a child, not a hold

OP posts:

HerRoyalNotness · 22/07/2018 20:07

I did not read anywhere in the op where they’re asking the mother to drive the DD anywhere for contact. She has in fact blocked the GPs from driving her.

As an aside the dad hasn’t moved away, he’s been sent for his job, you know the job that earns the money to pay the bills. It’s also said that he doesn’t get weekends off so can’t just drive back on the weekend.

Do any of you bother to read the OP of a stepparent or are you just to quick to get the boot in?

The Op wants to know how they can handle contact going forward . I have no clue, but maybe he’ll have to get it sorted formally while he is away. What is his idea for seeing her as he can’t deive back himself? Will you or his DPs drive her down every weekend/EOW to see him, how do you envisage it working?

bluebeck · 22/07/2018 20:08

She has in fact blocked the GPs from driving her.

I don't think you are reading the same thread Notness

OP clearly states that the SD decided not to come.

MissSusanSays · 22/07/2018 20:09

He sounds lovely but he seems to have been a bit too trusting and easy going about this. If he is serious about contact and he had PR then he needs to get access arranged through court.

IamaBluebird · 22/07/2018 20:17

You read of so many fathers who just walk away from their children on here.
It's good to read about a father trying to continue seeing his step daughter. Hope it works out for you all.

MaisyPops · 22/07/2018 20:22

You might need to get legal advice OP.

The child isn't his biological child and it seems the ex is quite happy to have him paying money for a child that isn't his whilst using the fact that the child isn't his to behave awfully regarding contact.
The cynic in me wonders whether your DP is a useful cash cow for the ex. She doesn't have to chase the biological father and can mess with contact as she sees fit.

You need proper contact and to document everything.

MaisyPops · 22/07/2018 20:23

*you need proper advice (not contact)

Greendayz · 22/07/2018 20:23

What are your DP's plans for the longer term? I'm assuming it's not likely to be feasible for his parents to drive his DSD up regularly to see him. If he has some plan as to how he can manage contact on a regular basis, and his ex continually thwarts it, then he can apply to court for access. But I can't really see how he can do that right now if he's not in a position to offer regular contact (without requiring his ex to do the traveling)

If his ex has previously been ok about contact, but has recently blocked it, this may be because she's upset about him having moved away and - as she sees it - no longer prioritising her DD. Even though you weren't the OW, seeing her ex move on and get married at the same time is likely to be making things worse. He needs to come up with a plan that allows him to regularly be around for his DSD if he wants to keep the relationship

Ivorbig1 · 22/07/2018 20:24

He needs legal advice, if what you have said is correct and he has PR.

Jenwen22 · 22/07/2018 20:24

I am absolutely shocked by some of these replies. Yes the SD wanted to go, it had been planned and the mother manipulated the situation to her benefit. The fact he is not her biological father but treats her as if she is his speaks volumes to me about the kind of man he is.

Sometimes it's not so easy to just change jobs, or move closer. If they live in a rural.area for example, there may be no local jobs, or no higher paying jobs that he would need to pay bills, maintenance ECT.

I'm appalled though your all jumping to have a go at the OP and jumping to conclusions. Unfortunately OP on here step parents are vilified. Each family is different and what works for them.is paramount.

I don't know what to suggest OP. Is there any possibility of getting legal advice and a contact order. However at 11 I would have said she's old enough for the courts to take her wishes into consideration. Which seemingly she has a emotionally unstable mother (it happens. I've known quite a few who use there kids as weapons) so that may sway her decision. I know of no mother worth her salt who would tell a five year old the man she believed was her biological dad wasn't. Anyone who can justify this is just as bad.

Because of the mother I guess if u did take it down the court route and had legal advice, then all you can do for her is consistently tell her you love her, they'll always be a home with you and will do anything to support her.

I'm sorry you and you DP are going through this. Hugs xx

Original poster

Stepstepmother · 22/07/2018 20:29

Thank you for the more ‘gentle’ replies! Some of this has not been fun to read.

I absolutely agree the DP has been too trusting and easy going about everything. Maybe this situation will have a benefit in that it will push him to seek legal advice and go through a proper process.

Obviously he doesn’t want to force DSD into any contact that she doesn’t want - her well-being is the number one priority. But we would like her to have all the options available to her without her having to feel like she’s going to hurt her mum’s feelings. It’s that emotional manipulation that is just a step too far at the moment

OP posts:

Tinywhale · 22/07/2018 20:31

I don't have anything useful to contribute. But you and DP both sound lovely and I don't understand what is going on in the minds of some of the earlier posters on this thread.

If you are prepared to go down the legal route, maybe people would be more constructive on Legal Matters?

I hope you get it worked out.

mindutopia · 22/07/2018 20:34

Lots of people have professional lives that make family life more complicated. If you’re a parent, you put your kid first. Sometimes it means changing your hours or your job (or career) to fit around family life. It sounds like if he wants her in his life, he needs to get creative about being available when she is and making the situation easy for her. I took a job 3 hours from home for a time. I only accepted it on the condition I could work from home 2 days a week and arranged my hours so that I could do the commute without living away the other days. It meant 6 hours on a train every day but I was home to rock my dd to sleep every night.

His contact should be the same as it’s always been. It’s up to him to make sure he’s home and available and focused on her during that time.

Barbie222 · 22/07/2018 20:55

He sounds like he has lots of good qualities but like many men, expects family life to take a back seat to his career and expects the women in his life to make sacrifices.

I think 4 hours drive is a big ask for older people and can't imagine a situation where I'd be asking my parents or in laws to do this just so I didn't have to take time off work. If working away is a temporary thing that's one thing. But if it's going to be long term and frequent, I think he's done a lot of expecting people to put themselves out so he didn't have to.

StepBackNow · 22/07/2018 21:06

OP, there are some very angry first wives on MN who cannot be civil to stepmothers. Don't take the bitchy remarks to heart, you are doing your best to support your DH.

I hope the mother sees reason but somehow I doubt she will.

Starlight345 · 22/07/2018 21:35

How much time would step daughter get with dp. She may not want to travel 4 hours to barely see her dad?

If you are getting married in a month presumably she will be there.

My Ds is also 11 has had a lot of activities with friends this weekend celebrating leaving school.

I am assuming she has a phone can he FaceTime her talk about how they can make it work . Will he be having her over school holidays

HerRoyalNotness · 22/07/2018 21:38

blue after the mother was negative about it, which IMO amounts to blocking

GeorgeTheHippo · 22/07/2018 21:56

How did he get the parental rights - was the natural father not on the birth certificate? (Because if he was he would have needed to sign a parental responsibility agreement, and you said your partner hasn't adopted the child).

If he has PR the courts will uphold the child's right to a relationship with him.

Original poster

Stepstepmother · 22/07/2018 22:20

No the natural father was not on the birth certificate

OP posts:

spudlet7 · 22/07/2018 23:45

Not much to add OP but do seek legal advice. You don't necessarily have to follow it but it's always good to know where you stand.

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