According to teenage DS I am....

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Ds (14) has been invited to a female friends house party tonight. He is adamant he doesn't need to take a card or a gift and I am massively unreasonable for insisting he walks down to the local shop to get a card and then stick a fiver in it.

I think it's rude to turn up with nothing, he thinks I am wrong and is now being stroppy and saying he won't go. AIBU or should I just let him go as he wants with nothing?

He will know what is socially acceptable to him and his friends.

If you make him get a card and put a fiver in it I’m willing to bet money that he’ll ditch the card on the way and pocket the £5. That’s what I would do to save the embarrassment.

A fiver? That's a bit tight, OP, for a teen. At least £10 if not £15 is the going rate.

It may be tight but that's all I have spare the week before payday.

Anyway he likes the idea of taking some sweets/snacks when I suggested it as an option so compromise reached

Make sure he thanks her parents

It's a 14yo's house party!! The parents won't be kicking about doing pass the parcel! Teens will be left to their own devices.

I don’t give £20 to my own sisters children, let alone some random kid I’ve never met. Ignore all the ‘tight’ comments.
I’d let him decide what he does OP.

Take a few bottles of coke. That's what my lot did/still do, in the case of older teens they take a few cans to share.

The joy with kids getting older is that you no longer have to get involved in things like this.

My kids didn’t take gifts or cards at that age but they might take some snacks.

They don't seem to do the card/present thing often any more unless it's a proper girlfriend or going out for a meal ... I agree with you, but the world has gone potty

IME girls give presents, boys tend not to. I think a lot of older boy teens are expected to buy their friends presents out of their allowance, and therefore there is some unspoken rule that they just won't bother.

For my DHs 30th I threw him a party...most of his friends were still single and didn't bother with cards or presents...there was one bloke who awkwardly handed over a card and voucher muttering he wasn't sure if he was supposed to. 😆 Even now they don't give each other cards or gifts, but all the wives now give each other presents!

My 15yo would take whatever the host told him to....the girls who throw parties around here seem quite assertive in telling their guests what to bring. It probably wouldn't be a card and £5.

No your unreasonable. So every party they have to have a gift. How annoying! Look would you could start.

Leave 14 year olds be.

Suppose he's the only boy who turns up with a card?
Really OP, be more sensitive to his situation.
Or be the controlling mother from hell.

A fiver? That's a bit tight, OP, for a teen. At least £10 if not £15 is the going rate.

Didn’t know parties had a ‘going rate’ and maybe the OP can’t afford more than £5

Or be the controlling mother from hell.

Oh FGS, she asked a question that turned out to be misguided she sounds nice, not a ‘controlling mother from hell’ compared to the horror stories you read on here

£20 would be the goung rate here. No card though. DS is 14 in two weeks.

I’d send crisps, dips and a couple of bottles of coke/Fanta/whatever

*Or be the controlling mother from hell
*
Really?

I'm far from controlling but parenting a teen is new to me hence posting on here for opinions.

I also want to raise a son who considers others and isn't completely self absorbed.

I took on board suggestions, realised the £5 in a card would be lame (although I still can't actually see what's so wrong with that) and left ds to make a decision he was happy with.

OP - have had 3 teens and the youngest is now 19. I went through exactly the same thought process as you with ds1. It feels SO wrong to turn up empty handed at someone's house and accept their hospitality. Your parents wouldn't let you do it when you're at primary and you wouldn't (hopefully) do it as an adult. But the inbetween years are so difficult. Having gone through it with 3 dcs I'm not really much the wiser. Being a teen is such an incredibly difficult tightrope to navigate. One slight deviation and you've blown all your street cred.

It absolutely doesn't make you a controlling mother from hell to ask the question though

No card and no gift between teens, he'll be embarrassed by his mates. And most teens would rather die than be embarrassed. Let it go OP, he's 14 not 4 and he's more aware of the social mores among his peers than you. Just accept that you're really really really old and you don't understand and it's not like when you were young when dinosaurs roamed the earth.
I remember a similar showdown with ds1 - it's rude, it's not, it is, ofgs Mum, right that's it I'm not going - that was back in the 90s. He made an exception for his best mate (and actual girlfriends) and they jokingly swapped back and forth the same fiver on birthdays for years - possibly still do, must remember to ask.

Yeah you don't take anything to a teenager's house party. If it was an all girl's sleepover and you had a DD then yes, fair enough. Teenage boys don't give each other anything for their birthdays. Teenagers in general don't take cards to house parties. YABU - this is a social norm thing, not him being a stroppy teenager. Since he is one, and you aren't, leave him to it! If he turns up with something they will take the piss out of him.

I'm 24 and remember my fair share of house parties aged 14... 2008... No one took cards and £5!!??

As some one else said, they are just mass meet ups and hang outs where someone will smuggle in a can of cider and everyone will show off and a fair few first kisses happen!

He's a 14 year old lad. His priority will be looking cool and smelling nice!

I'm 42 and would be pleased if mate put a fiver in a card.
It's all relative isn't it?