According to teenage DS I am....

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Ds (14) has been invited to a female friends house party tonight. He is adamant he doesn't need to take a card or a gift and I am massively unreasonable for insisting he walks down to the local shop to get a card and then stick a fiver in it.

I think it's rude to turn up with nothing, he thinks I am wrong and is now being stroppy and saying he won't go. AIBU or should I just let him go as he wants with nothing?

Leave him to it OP, my DS’ are just the same you can’t tell them anything.

My boys at that age wouldn't take anything either. Mainly due to embarrassment. They weren't alone in that and likewise received nothing from their friends either. No party seemed bothered. If you e suggested it and he said no then I'd drop it tbh

My ds and his gang don’t do presents at house parties or “gatherings”. They give each other presents on the day in their own close circle, but not to the wider group.

Get him a bottle of vodka to take, no one wants a fiver.
They’d be much happier

No, my boys never did cards as teens either. Leave him to it.

Make sure he thanks her parents, though and says happy birthday to the hostess. Those two actions will be noted and appreciated.

My teens go to a lot of parties, they take snacks and drinks rather than cards or presents.

I think he is correct pineapple.
Used to birthday parties for pre-teens, I put out a little table by the door for my DD's first 'proper' (14) party, i.e. no adults in sight, free-rein around downstairs and garden.
It remained groaningly empty to no ones surprise but mine.
Like you, I had always suggested they take a card/present and when they didn't, assumed it was just bad manners and they may get embarrassed into buying something next time.

My 14 year old DS usually takes loads of sweets

They are teenagers, not grannies, taking a card for a girl when you are a boy, at 14??? He would be eaten alive about what secret intentions he may have towards her!

He is 14, not a primary school kid attending little magie’s party

I have had 4 teenagers. It is absolutely still a thing to take a present to a birthday party, but I can imagine a 14 year old boy might think it embarrassing to take a girl a present. Other teens might make something of it.

The best solution is to take some fun snacks, or drink (not alcoholic!)to share. Or just some chocolate maybe? That way he is not turning up empty handed, but also not specifically buying something for a girl.

Way to embarrass your ds
Teen parties don't do presents, especially not fivers in cards. Quite often my dss would club together with mates to buy a joke present for the birthday person.

We just had one and everyone of both sexes brought a card. Most contained money. The boys even wrote a few words and xx in some cases. There was no embarrassment. Important to teach teens to think of kindness and good manners as being the cool way to behave, no? Tell him to hand it over with confidence!

Cards do seem to have gone out of fashion. Could he perhaps take her a bottle of white lightening instead?

That's strange that people are saying it's not the done thing. Both my girls (aged 14 and 17) often take a small present and a card in to school for one of their friendship group. If they're a close friend they tend to spend a bit more, but £5 of sweets seems fairly typical for non-close friend.

DS is 14 and is part of a mixed-sex friendship group spanning 13 to 15 year olds. It is still very much the done thing to take a card and a present or pop money into the card for a birthday party. Sometimes it's a fiver, sometimes it's more - depends on the generosity and affluence of the giver's family. :)

My teen wouldn't dream of turning up to someone's birthday without a token present. Card optional. If she doesn't know the person well enough to come up with something they would like, then food or drink is always a good bet. If they don't like what they are given, they can just put it out for general consumption on the night.

The amount of money spent on the offering reflects the amount of effort the host is likely to make for her. For example if she is invited to spend the night (and presumably is going to be fed some breakfast) then a big box of nice chocs or some other posh food is in order. If it is clear that the host's parents have made a major effort, such as providing a sit-down dinner or fetching her from the rail station, then a bottle of wine or flowers may be in order for them too.

Let him make his own decision. It'll either be fine or he'll be embarrassed as everyone else brings a gift for her birthday.

But I don't think you should insist that your ds take something. If he makes a gaffe, he will figure it out quickly enough. You have alerted him to the possibility that he might be doing it wrong.

A fiver? That's a bit tight, OP, for a teen. At least £10 if not £15 is the going rate.

My dd takes a bag of her friend's favorite candy. Or a pack of the latest rare oreos (we are in the USA....is this a thing in the UK?). But never takes a card and would never take only a fiver even if the gift she might have bought would have cost less. It's teenager rules....they aren't supposed to make sense to adults.

Why assume you know more about the social mores of his friendship group than he does?

Agree with many others. My children have never taken presents to teen parties. Obviously I used to query it, but was simply told that people didn't take presents. With those n close friendship group it is different: presents whether or not there is a party.

I suppose it depends what's the 'done thing' amoung his particular group of friends and if most other people will be taking something. But either way if he doesn't want to then it's his friend and he's the one who's going so.... You can only give your opinion, if he doesn't take your advice that's up to him. My oldest DS is 15 - in his friendship group they do give cards and gifts

For a house party for 14-year-olds I wouldn't send a gift. Her close friends probably would give her stuff, but not the wider group.

I'd say the rough rule is if you're invited to the house party early to get ready together/you're close enough to be staying over after you probably want to bring a gift.

Otherwise, no need. Suggest he brings snacks if he wants, but leave it up to him.

I don’t remember doing gifts for house parties as a teen. Close friends obviously yes but not just people in the wider friendship group, especially not the kind of party where there might be 30+ people there.