Not AIBU but I need to talk/type. I've never felt so alone in my life

[SomethingCleverandWitty]

Ive suffered multiple miscarriages recently and I am struggling so much with this loneliness I am feeling. I can feel myself sinking into depression.

I am TTC my first but everyone in my life has children. Even my partner from a previous relationship. I feel like I have no one who is in the same boat. Who could possibly understand this if they haven't been through it? I know my partner is going through it with me but he also has children already for him it wouldn't be the end of the world if we never did like I feel it would for me.

The cause of our losses is my balanced translocation so there's a very real possibility I may go through this a lot more times. I don't know what to do with myself.

The thought of never having a child makes me want to curl into a ball. I have anxiety and panic attacks where I physically vomit. At the moment I feel I don't want to live if that were my future. I think people feel I'm being dramatic but right now I cant think of anything else.

I thought I was getting better but my best friend has just gleefully sent me pictures of her positive pregnancy test (when she knows everything I'm going through) and I can't help but be anything but happy for her. I haven't even replied. I don't want to know. That makes me an awful friend but I can't.

I have sent a self referral to my local counselling place and I'm waiting to hear from them. I'm lost.

I haven’t been where you are so I can’t empathise in the same way. But fucking hell - what was your friend thinking?! How bloody insensitive!

My friend was ttc when I found out I was pg with my second. I thought very carefully about how to tell her, wanted her to hear it from me and not ‘on the grapevine’ but was really clear that she didn’t need to be excited for me as this was obviously really hard for her. Your friend is a dick.

It's not you who's the awful friend.

I know I'll never stop trying. It isn't something I can give up on. I'd never forgive myself if I did.

That's fine. Totally fine. Accept that and make peace with it. Sooner than later. I got very annoyed with well meaning people (here and in RL) telling me i needed a deadline of some sort. Pick a time when i would (apparently) switch off TTC and ... what ? Suddenly after all that trying just stop one month? Don't know.

The closest thing i got to finding peace with myself was when i gave myself permission to try until menopause. Whenever that might come. I said nothing to anyone it was just a quiet decision i came to. Around that time i absolved DH of any meaningful dealings with the detail of TTC too. (again controversial). But so many of our conversations about it caused more stress and upset than anything else and it was causing trouble in our marriage. We were never going with any medical intervention so it was easy to do. It was a relief not to have the same old miserable conversations about it with him!

The idea of giving up TTC used to fill me with panic. Living forever with 'what if' is unthinkable to me. Worse than being childless! 'What if one more month could have done it?' ... couldn't live with that.

Sorry for the great rant! Just that i agree with you

I'm sorry. It's such a shitty thing to go through. It's ok to feel everything you are feeling and to tell people if you need space. I had 2 miscarriages very close together and I remember so well feeling like everyone else was pregnant or had kids.

I found the Miscarriage Association a big help (on top of all the brilliant advice you've had on here already).

Sending hugs x

@Laiste exactly! I couldn't live with the what ifs. It isn't something easily given up without a second thought 'ahh well that didn't work out'. It's a huge life changing decision (for me anyway) and I just couldn't cope with thinking what if it had worked.

So I guess I'll just muddle on. I can only hope that it gets easier and I can eventually distance myself from the situation mentally. -and avoid my friend for the next 9 months-

So sorry to hear your situation OP I know very well how you feel, I went through years of ttc with a miscarriage and ectopic thrown in. Every time a friend announced a pregnancy it felt like someone had stabbed me. I found it so hard to be happy for them, and one particular “friend” who I worked with went on about her pregnancy so incessantly I found myself actually wishing her harm. Which then made me feel like a horrible person, and I felt like I was being punished with infertility. I was a complete mess, it was like torture.

In the end IVF and ICSI worked for us. Can you try that, together with PIGD? I really hope things work out for you.

As @MamaOotie said I feel that my 6 mcs have fundamentally changed me. The Mumsnet mc threads sustained me when friends and family couldn't or wouldn't. I was so bitter and that hasn't left me even after a successful pregnancy.

Like pp I had a referral to St Mary's Paddington and was told to take baby aspirin as soon as I got a BFP. I also had an endometrial scratch as part of a study.

I don't think you need mc advice from this thread though, just to get some help and support. Your friend was thoughtless and I am not surprised you are upset. I'm so sorry you're going through this, you are far from alone.

@Laliella

I feel like this too. Yesterday I found myself thinking I just wish my friend could go through this to understand. How she already has a child and I already know this pregnancy will be a breeze for her like the last one was and it makes me mad and angry and jealous. But then I feel like a terrible terrible person because really I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I've not looked too much into IVF. It isn't something we could afford at the moment and I darent look at the NHS criteria as it will just tip me over the edge right now if we don't meet it. My father, bless his soul, has said he will pay if it came to that but I don't know if I could take it. It's a big favour to ask.

@MsJuniper yes I feel like a different person. I don't enjoy things I used to. It's taken up every thought in my head every single day. I worry about the damage it may cause my relationship long term if this were to continue. It's all I can focus on and all that matters to me right now. I feel like I'm utterly obsessed and I don't know how to switch off.

@SomethingCleverAndWitty your dad sounds lovely. Maybe you should take him up on his offer, it would be a grandchild for him too. I reallly hope it works out for you. It’s so unfair how it’s so easy for some people and difficult for others.

@Lalliella perhaps I will. I'm not ready to give up trying naturally yet though. I am luckily only in my mid twenties so I do have some time to keep trying for now.

Ps you're right - he is lovely :)