Not AIBU but I need to talk/type. I've never felt so alone in my life

[SomethingCleverandWitty]

Ive suffered multiple miscarriages recently and I am struggling so much with this loneliness I am feeling. I can feel myself sinking into depression.

I am TTC my first but everyone in my life has children. Even my partner from a previous relationship. I feel like I have no one who is in the same boat. Who could possibly understand this if they haven't been through it? I know my partner is going through it with me but he also has children already for him it wouldn't be the end of the world if we never did like I feel it would for me.

The cause of our losses is my balanced translocation so there's a very real possibility I may go through this a lot more times. I don't know what to do with myself.

The thought of never having a child makes me want to curl into a ball. I have anxiety and panic attacks where I physically vomit. At the moment I feel I don't want to live if that were my future. I think people feel I'm being dramatic but right now I cant think of anything else.

I thought I was getting better but my best friend has just gleefully sent me pictures of her positive pregnancy test (when she knows everything I'm going through) and I can't help but be anything but happy for her. I haven't even replied. I don't want to know. That makes me an awful friend but I can't.

I have sent a self referral to my local counselling place and I'm waiting to hear from them. I'm lost.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve not been in your situation but I’m sending a hand hold and a hug.

I've been in a similar position in the past. Single when friends were getting married and pregnant. There is no loneliness like it. You have my sympathy

Hand holding it is very hard to live with.

There are lots of us who understand - I found the pregnancy loss part of mumsnet very helpful.

I’ve been there OP. I had 4 m/c and an ectopic pregnancy. I know exactly how you feel about other people’s pregnancies. It feels like everyone else is just popping babies out with ease and every pregnancy announcement is like a knife in your heart. I think your bf is very insensitive announcing her pg like that knowing what you are going through.
I don’t know if it’s a possibility but could you ask for a referral to Prof Reagan’s miscarriage clinic at St Mary’s, Paddington? She is one of the leading experts in miscarriage in the world. My problem turned out to be a blood clotting one ‘sticky blood’. The treatment I got at St Marys was pioneered by Prof Regan and enabled me to go on to have my 2 children.
It’s a good idea to have some counselling but please don’t lose hope. I really hope you get your happy ending.

I can understand some of what you are going through. It took us nearly two years to conceive. They checked out my husband first and the results were really good, so I knew it was down to me. After extensive tests they couldn’t find anything wrong with me either so just told us to keep trying.

I was only thinking yesterday how desperate that time was. Everyone I knew had children. A relative had three, plus numerous abortions which she was totally cavalier about, she said it was just like taking the morning after pill to her. I only wanted one!
In the end I had two wonderful children the second one came along with no trouble at all. I did lose a third and never tried again.
Im sorry I don’t know more about the technical side of your issues, I’m sure you will get a lot of support on MN from people who do.
Well done for making the self-referral. I think that is a wise move. I think from a holistic point of view it can only be beneficial if you are calm. 💐

Big hugs.

Thank you everyone for your messages. I'm sorry others have felt this way.

@CanShop this is exactly how I feel (although I know not true), everyone around me even in the street seems to be pushing a pram or have a huge pregnant belly. I just want to shut myself in my house.

I hate to sound awful but I am pretty annoyed at my friend as well. She knows how much I'm struggling. I get that she wants to share it with me as her best friend but I wish she'd been more sensitive.

Logically her life is nothing to envy, I know this. She has a lot of problems of her own including a violent drug addicted partner who has been arrested (recently) for attacking her. She wouldn't press charges though. She's very childish with the way she sees things sometimes in that it wouldn't surprise me if this baby was planned because she thought it would 'fix' them.

@ImPre yes desperate is exactly the word I'd use. I get an overwhelming feeling of desperation and then the panic attack starts.

It's lovely to hear you got your happy ending though xx

You sound terribly stressed and wound up OP

Are you taking time for yourself at the moment? I'm quite stressed and anxious and have started yoga and am giving acupuncture a whirl. It's quite nice to focus on myself for a bit, the rest of the world carries on regardless of what I'm doing.

I hope your referral doesn't take long.

So sorry OP. Your not alone... it's ok not to be strong all the time too.

@somethingcleverandwitty - I realised along the difficult road that there are lots of people who do in fact have problems ttc it’s just that they generally don’t talk about them. Definitely go on the infertility forum on here - I found it invaluable when I was going through it all. Big hugs to you.

@Orcinus truthfully I am struggling to motivate myself to get up and find a hobby. I know it would likely help but I just can't seem to get the umf to get up and do something.

for you OP, it's very hard. I had multiple miscarriages and it was just wretched. I couldn't bear people's sympathy and some of the professionals weren't great. We went privately to Prof Regan's clinic at St Mary's in the end.
I did have a happy ending as after 5 MCs I did have DD, though I had a further 2 after she was born so it's just her.
Look after yourself xx

And sorry @CanShop thank you for your suggestion. I live at the other side of the country unfortunately

I thought I was getting better but my best friend has just gleefully sent me pictures of her positive pregnancy test (when she knows everything I'm going through) and I can't help but be anything but happy for her.

DON'T beat yourself up about this. Loads and loads of us have been there!

There are boards on MN for those struggling with TTC which are fantastic. A source of ongoing, long term and understanding support. One of them saved my sanity for about 2 years of utter misery. I'll see if i can link.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/infertility

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage

Ah i see you've found that 3rd one :)

OP

Thank you @Laiste I have posted on the miscarriage board too.

It's just nice to hear (although of course I don't wish it on anyone) that you're not the only person who's going through this.

Oh love. I’m so sorry for your losses. I can’t begin to imagine how you feel. Frankly it’s just really really shit.

My personal issue is with getting pregnant and we’re trying IVF. The infertility board has been a place of great comfort. Come and join us.

Thank you @Cat. I might try lurking there for a while.

I can't explain it but it's like I want to read and share other peoples similar stories but at the same time it causes me panic to read what others are having to go through too. It scares me.

So sorry to hear of your struggles op. I battled for three year to fall pregnant and was eventually diagnosed with premature ovarian failure at 37. I had to move to egg donation and it is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.

Infertility is shit. Just utterly utterly shit. You don’t have to put a brave face on it, find a hobby, just fucking relax, or any of the other banal suggestions people make. You’re allowed to feel how you feel You’re also allowed to be pissed at your staggeringly insensitivie friend. Just what the hell was she thinking?

On those boards - apart from being able to share your experiences and the feelings you're going through with people who know , there's also a wealth of practical knowledge there too. So can be helpful on a physical level too.

AIBU is arguably the busiest board on MN. If you're used to the fast pace here it can feel slower elsewhere on MN. But everyone is there for you, can just take more time :)

I know exactly how you feel OP. I had one 2nd term miscarriage, 2 early miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy that was horrible. My DS was my 5th pregnancy and my DD my 6th. It is utterly shit and despite having my babies I still have anxiety and I believe PTSD from it all. I can honestly say it fundamentally changed me as a person. I was confident and outgoing before the MCs now I'm prone to depression and suffer from anxiety.

People who have babies with no problems have no idea about the pain so don't be too hard on your friend. She just doesn't understand.

The only advice I can give you which my lovely nan (whose first baby died a week after birth ) gave me. If you want a child then you have to keep going, what other choice do you have. So I kept on and became very cold and business like about it. We got there in the end but I'll carry the mental scars forever.

Thank you all

I'm trying not to be too hard on my friend. To be honest I've muted her messages as I just don't want to read them.

We've got my partners boys with us tonight and I don't want to be a wreck whilst they are around.

I'm exhausted.

@MamaOotie my mother has said the same. I just need to crack on. If I want a child then that's all I can do.

I know I'll never stop trying. It isn't something I can give up on. I'd never forgive myself if I did.