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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I am U, please help any way

32 replies

CestLeWhy · 20/07/2018 23:28

I've been with DH for the last 10 years, my first ever and only relationship.

When we met, I was the higher earner and on a fast track in a a big audit firm.

After DD1 arrived, my previously wonderful husband changed. He began hitting me. I left work and moved continents for his job. I could no longer socialise with friends or ex colleagues, I was ashamed of what I'd become and also couldn't comfortably leave the kids with him. No childcare and no family in this country.

After 5 years of physical abuse, I'm a fat, lonely, scared and depressed shell of myself.

He's just walked in and told me he wants a separation, but I should be able to support myself and the DC.

I'm terrified to challenge him. We're both from Pakistan, and if he wanted he could fight to take custody of my kids, and take them back there.

I find myself a decade older, unemployed, with 2 (beautiful) kids, no support system, no job prospects and completely fucked.

I know AIBU to sit here crying, I got myself into this mess and now I will have to pay, but please can anyone tell how the fuck I get myself out of this?

OP posts:

ferntwist · 20/07/2018 23:31

Oh no OP, my heart goes out to you. Firstly thank God your time with this bastard is coming to an end. Secondly, do not be hard on yourself. Do you have any support in this country?

ferntwist · 20/07/2018 23:34

Any neighbours, fellow mums or a healthcare professional who you trust and can confide in?

UpstartCrow · 20/07/2018 23:35

''We're both from Pakistan, and if he wanted he could fight to take custody of my kids, and take them back there.''
To do that he would have to win custody, and if he doesn't want to support you then he can't win custody, so he just shot himself in the foot.

Please get legal advice as soon as you can.

Blue2014 · 20/07/2018 23:36

Get legal advice ASAP

And remember this will end up being a blessing. Good riddance to him. You deserve better

MrsBertBibby · 20/07/2018 23:39

Are you ok to say which country you are in now?

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 20/07/2018 23:40

Oh this is not your fault!! You’re being abused!

Please please speak to women’s aid. If possible, (without him knowing) write down everything you want to ask them about.

Original poster

CestLeWhy · 20/07/2018 23:42

I'm a bit scared to get a lawyer involved, as he's here on a visa and I can't really jeapordise his job.

I have a few friends left over from Uni but i feel they already think I'm an idiot marrying him and letting him walk all over me. I'm just too ashamed to tell them or my family anything more. I let myself be beaten for five bloody years till I got too old and now he's kicking me out. I feel every inch the weak useless shit he says I am.

OP posts:

Original poster

CestLeWhy · 20/07/2018 23:43

I'm in the UK now which is a small blessing, as I feel I at least have the safety net of some police protection if things get too bad

OP posts:

sadeyedladyofthelowlands63 · 20/07/2018 23:48

I'm a bit scared to get a lawyer involved, as he's here on a visa and I can't really jeapordise his job.
Get a lawyer. You haven't jeopardised his job, he has.

Usernamehere · 20/07/2018 23:50

Who's name is the tenancy agreement in? And also to take you to court and win custody would cost him thousands of pounds in legal costs and he would have to convince a judge (with evidence not hearsay) that your children are in harm if they stay with u. Any judge only ever takes a child away from their mother as a last resort. He could not win custody because your marriage broken down and he wants to spite you. Judges hear this all the time. Also have u ever thought about contacting the police or maybe social services or a women's domestic violence charity? Maybe they could offer some support. Dont ever feel like your alone or trapped. If your feeling so unhappy you need to get away from him with your children. Hope that you get some help sweet. Btw he sounds like a right cunt, just saying. X

Usernamehere · 20/07/2018 23:51

My friend was in similar situation neighbours heard the violence they rang police who informed social services. She's a single mum 2 children on benefits. Social helped her move house to a new area and she got an injunction on him aswell. Social ain't always bad sometimes they can do real help x

Original poster

CestLeWhy · 20/07/2018 23:54

Thank you all. My DD confided in a friend at school and her head teacher called me in. As there isn't ever any violence against the kids and they rarely witness it, he agreed not to involve SS but have her monitored in school.

OP posts:

Original poster

CestLeWhy · 20/07/2018 23:55

The house is owned, we just completed the purchase last month, so it'll cost a ton of money to sell it again right now

OP posts:

LittleOldWineDrinker · 20/07/2018 23:56

If you are in the UK on a spousal visa please seek advice on accessing the DDV (Destitute Domestic Violence) Concession - it'll allow you to access public funds while you sort yourself out. Please seek help. You will get through this. And I promise you will be better off without him. Sending you love and strength.

Booklover18 · 21/07/2018 00:11

Number 1 - no you are NOT being unreasonable. Ok, think rationally. If he has behaved this way to you, then there is no way he will get custody of the kids. Your child has already spoken to the school so they are aware of some of what’s going on (that’s evidence of needed). I would suggest packing an emergency bag including birth certificates, passports, clothes - for you and the children. Start putting money aside, either in a secret account or cash hidden so that if you need to leave quickly you can. You have done nothing wrong, he is telling you stuff to make you think you have no options but you have - you say you are in the UK - there are lots of options. It’s not easy but think of yourself and your children first. He’s the one in trouble if he’s only here on a work visa. You can leave and make a better life for yourself, no shame at all, and think how your kids will see how brave you are, set an example to them that this is not acceptable and it can be changed. It’s hard but you can do it, be brave, be clever and cunning if necessary. Your uni friends will not think you are an idiot for marrying him, if you approach them and explain I’m sure they will help (it sounds like they maybe knew he was a bad one) but no reflection on you, real friends will step up when needed - even just for a night or two until you get sorted. Please please take yourself out of this situation, you are worth more than this and don’t need to put up with being treated this way. Good luck 👍👍

seventhgonickname · 21/07/2018 00:18

If he wants to separate then you do need to get a solicitor.
I would also now get social services involved(to remove the chance of him abducting the children) and be brave and contact the police next time he hits you .
I know this is a lot but you have nothing to loose,the woman you were before this man us still there,find her again for your children and your own sake.

Ethylred · 21/07/2018 00:18

Talk to a lawyer.
Do not solicit advice from anonymous strangers on the internet.

BertieBotts · 21/07/2018 15:37

As you are in the UK, I would strongly advise getting in touch with some of the DV organisations which specialise in helping Asian women. I know there are localised ones based in Birmingham, Bradford and London, whether there are any more spread out I'm not sure. Sorry I am on mobile and don't have the names to hand but these organisations will know the legal stuff and the cultural issues inside out and should be able to help you perhaps even more than a generic women's aid.

Good luck, you sound so strong and you deserve a better life with your children.

Duskqueen · 21/07/2018 16:28

Don't be embarrassed this is all him, not you. You are not weak, as you have put up with this excuse of a man for 5 years, that makes you very strong. Get a layer involved if it effects his job tough! As long as you safe gaurd yourself and your children who cares if he gets kicked out? You would never have to deal with him again. As a previous PP said get involved with an organisation that helps women in your situation.

Frusso · 21/07/2018 16:31

I'm a bit scared to get a lawyer involved, as he's here on a visa and I can't really jeapordise his job.

Why not? Considering everything he has done to you? You owe him nothing.

bookforgoddaughter · 21/07/2018 16:43

OP, please contact Southall Black Sisters:

www.southallblacksisters.org.uk/

They are experts on helping Pakistani women in abusive relationships and they understand the associated immigration issues.

I wish you all the best.

greendale17 · 21/07/2018 16:44

greendale17 · 21/07/2018 16:46

I'm a bit scared to get a lawyer involved, as he's here on a visa and I can't really jeapordise his job.

^Are you for real? You have suffered at the hands of this man for so long and now you are worried about his job?

MamaOotie · 21/07/2018 16:51

Hide the kids passports. Get yourself a safe or locker somewhere. Then they can go nowhere immediately. Get an emergency fund together. Collect all importany legal docs and copies of his wages and savings. Pack a small bag of essentials and take all of this to the locker. This is your emergency life line if you need to flee quickly.

Next time he hits you take the children straight down to the police station and get help. Tell them you are in immediate danger and he poses a flight risk with the kids. Ask them to put a block on the kids passports so he cannot apply for new ones by claiming they were lost.

Get planning.

Gazelda · 21/07/2018 16:52

This will be a very difficult time, by at last there is light at the end of the tunnel for you. Seek advice from Women's Aid. Tell them everything. They will help you.
You will get through this.
You and your DC will be better off.
You can regain your self esteem, get healthier, study with OU, build your career back up, rebuild relationships and friendships.

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