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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU: Mums fixated on boy only friends?

37 replies

OhFFSDH · 20/07/2018 16:52

I keep hearing a couple of other mothers in our group of mums (from an antenatal group) refer to their boys as being "real boys" and only really wanting to spend time with mums with other boys. "What's he like! He's such a boy." The other one was, "Be careful, he's a bit rough because he's a boy."

Not only does it seem exclusionary because I have a DD but I just think there's no such thing as "boy/girl behaviour". Your child plays with bugs and eats sticks but so would mine if I let her. I completely understand that you want your children have friends but do they always have to be of the same sex? I also think this is setting them up with excuses for behaviour based on gender.

AIBU here or missing something?

OP posts:

masktaster · 20/07/2018 16:56

Yanbu

I frequently get told my DS (13 months) is a "real boy" because he likes climbing things and can be pretty intense.

He also likes cuddling dolls, hates destruction (he flinches if a tower of blocks/stacking cups falls over), among other things.

In short, he is a unique child (like them all) with his own interests.

And he can be friends with whoever he wants to.

m0therofdragons · 20/07/2018 17:02

It infuriates me still. Dd2&3 have friends over tonight and dd2 asked for her "best friend" to come. He's a boy. Other mums made a comment that didn't dd want a girl friend? Nope she likes playing with this boy and I adore the fact she doesn't give a fuck what other people think. She's 6 and so confident of her own mind.

Other mums can be weird. Very few are like you (in my experience) and having a dc doesn't mean they have anything else in common. Honestly, some mums are totally bonkers ime!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 20/07/2018 17:02

Hah! I once started a thread because I was having the opposite problem... DS (now 3) was seeing less and less of his female friends because they were getting together for "princess parties" etc. I think there is a real issue with parents favouring friends of the same sex, even at a very young age.

Thankfully one of them had decided she's going to marry him and won't do anything without him (he's oblivious), so he's back in.

Pengggwn · 20/07/2018 17:04

I agree, but the view from the other side of the fence is so entrenched that it's pointless arguing. Nobody means any harm by saying "Oh, he's such a boy" - it's just the way they've always thought.

masktaster · 20/07/2018 17:10

Nobody means any harm by saying "Oh, he's such a boy" - it's just the way they've always thought

I would agree with this. People look at my DS and see what they want to see - especially as there's mostly been boys in both families for years, until fairly recently.

Have a toddler DNiece who's as mad as DS, and if she was a boy would also be a "proper boy", but no, she's a proper girl for her more "feminine" traits. They're both just children, imo, but I try not to let it bother me most of the time.

Thistles24 · 20/07/2018 17:11

I think it’s good to have a mix of friends, but I see in DS1’s class as he gets older (10) that the girls who used to play with boys are spending less time with the boys and more with other girls. The other boys are in such long established groups that the boys who are being left by the girls seem a bit lost. DS1 has always been around mainly boys, but is only interested in playing football at break. DS2 is not that interested in football, so very often plays with the girls, and it does concern me that he may be “dropped” a few years down the line and struggle to get into a group.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 20/07/2018 17:23

Your child plays with bugs and eats sticks but so would mine if I let her.

Maybe it's more to do with mums of girls not letting their girls engage in normal kid games? I do notice this sometimes - I have always let DS engage in rough play (within reason with a willing playmate), I do think girls are less often allowed to get involved in this kind of game. (Obviously I never let him run around hurting other kids with the excuse of being a boy). I wouldn't stop DS hanging out with girls -although since Y1 the kids have largely segregated themselves according to gender anyway.

PrincessPear · 20/07/2018 17:29

I do think boys are a bit more boisterous on average, at least my DS is a lot more energetic than most girls his age. He likes running and climbing and exploring, and I’ve noticed many girls prefer more quieter activities. As a child, I was like DS so I know there are girls out there who are like it but it seems less common.

But I’d never think he should only play with boys lmao, how ridiculous.

PrincessPear · 20/07/2018 17:32

Maybe it's more to do with mums of girls not letting their girls engage in normal kid games?

I’ve actually wondered this myself.

LinoleumBlownapart · 20/07/2018 17:50

Antenatal group! How old are these children? At that age their friends tend to be those of their mother's friend's children anyway.

As the mother of boys I've always found the "boys will be boys" thing to be utter bullshit and usually an excuse for bad behaviour.

Why don't you let your daughter eat sticks and play with bugs? Much better than eating bugs and playing with sticks which is what my daughter used to do.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 20/07/2018 18:00

I hate this. My best friend as a child was a boy and he was way gentler than I was. We were a terrible influence on each other though and he did teach me to climb an enormous tree that our mothers had fits over. But then I was responsible for at least half the scraps we got into.

BunsOfAnarchy · 20/07/2018 18:10

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Kids are kids, why do they care so much about gender?!

I didnt realise 'i was a girl' until about age 6. 2 older brothers meant i just thought i was the same as them. I never really noticed my clothes were different either. And i LOVE that my parents never made me feel any different or treated me any different because i also wanted to play football and not play with dolls. We all got equal amounts of shouting from mum when we had muddy clothes!
Im 31 now. This is exactly how i will raise my daughter.

DeckSofa · 20/07/2018 18:30

YANBU.

What does she think about boys who aren't as keen on boisterous activities? Are they "unreal boys", "less than boys" or even not boys at all? Does she think boisterous girls aren't "real girls"?

The sex of a person is decided at conception. It is not decided by interests, behaviour or stereotypes (or even "allocated at birth" which is another bugbear for another thread )

Original poster

OhFFSDH · 20/07/2018 19:30

I don't let my child eat bugs or sticks because I don't want her eating them as a general rule. Fine with her roaming on grass, touching sand, mud, exploring as children do. I let her climb, play rough and tumble and never have pearl clutching precious moments when other children hurt her accidentally. Children will be children, imo. I don't think it has anything to do with her being a girl that I don't want her to eat sticks, she's still quite young.

DeckSofa, yes gender/sex debate with DH was another thread of mine

@PrincessPear do you have a DD to compare that to? From my view on girls vs boys, my DD could out do other boys we know, except one but we only ever get a small snapshot so I can't make that assumption.

It's all just bizarre to me and I just wondered if other people experienced it too. I think it must be parenting and also people with DDs not engaging them in energetic activities.

OP posts:

PrincessPear · 20/07/2018 19:34

do you have a DD to compare that to? From my view on girls vs boys, my DD could out do other boys we know, except one but we only ever get a small snapshot so I can't make that assumption.

Not yet, but I’m expecting twins (gender unknown) so I could end up with a very energetic DD! Mine mainly is from the kids at nursery.

Original poster

OhFFSDH · 20/07/2018 21:40

Then I think if that's the case, it's parenting but I don't think someone who thinks it's out of the ordinary for girls to behave and do "boy things" helps this issue. I cannot tell you how much it irks someone like me who encourages my child to be free and have whatever interests they want to be grouped as "just" a girl.

Congratulations but it's the sex of your twins that's unknown, not their gender.

OP posts:

KERALA1 · 20/07/2018 21:43

Weirdos. My younger dd is 9 and only now drifting towards single sex friendships until year 4 they all play together. Why segregate toddlers?

Anecdotally have found mothers of boys much keener to buy into gender stereotypes than mothers of girls.

masktaster · 20/07/2018 21:44

but it's the sex of your twins that's unknown, not their gender.

I'd wager she doesn't know their gender, either.

SandyY2K · 20/07/2018 21:47

I find that strange at the antenatal stage...but I found that when kids start school...most mums were friendly with mums of the same gender kids.

I think that's to do with the friendship of the kids really.

Original poster

OhFFSDH · 20/07/2018 21:57

masktaster That's true.

Not antenatal, they're toddler aged. But how much of that is the parent's doing? I remember male friends until year 5.

OP posts:

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 20/07/2018 21:57

OhFFSDH Sorry didn't mean it to come across as a dig at you - just something I've noticed in general. I know a few mums of 5-6 year old girls who are far quicker than me to say "don't touch that woodlouse" (they were being gentle and were all just being curious) or discouraging the little girls getting muddy etc. Any even mildly boisterous/rough game is stopped in it's tracks. I always like to let kids be a bit rough and adventurous as long as it's not dangerous and everyone is happy ( I also hate the "boys will be boys excuse for mean and unkind behaviour to be clear).

I do wonder how socialised the gender segregation is. Before DS started school he loved glitter, his favourite colour was purple and he would happily dress up as Elsa and had no preference for boys or girls. Since Y1 he won't touch anything that might be construed as "girly" and talks about "the girls" and "the boys" as very much separate entities. This year there have been way more "girls only" birthday parties and the school seem to draw attention to the differences so I could easily believe the differences are somewhat learned rather than natural.

museumum · 20/07/2018 22:04

My ds is 5 now and will generally not hang out with girls his age except two he’s known since birth. I am 100% in favour of gender neutral play and socialising but I can’t force him. The girls we meet up with cause I like their mums are lovely but free play can be awkward with them trying to get him to play dressing up and him running away. I don’t believe that girls and boys are inherently different but at 5 the socialisation is so strong.

m0therofdragons · 20/07/2018 22:18

I have 3 girls and each are so very different. I have one who used to love climbing trees in princess dresses, had a bug party with snakes (that divided the room!) and another who is so pink and purple with ballet and all things "girly" and a friendship group of similar girls, then there's her ID twin who has a bob haircut to avoid fussing over hair, dresses in skirts and tops rather eclectically but a strong sense of her style, best friend is a boy and fascinated but stones and sticks.

A friend with a boy is always pointing out how he's so much more rough and tumble than girls. I look at dd2 and think really?! He's tougher and louder than dd1&3 but dd2 would definitely take that challenge

underneaththeash · 20/07/2018 22:30

I'm afraid both my boys were just so different to the girls at 3/4 and they just didn't play nicely together. My friends with girls always seemed to either want to go to playgroups (which were a nightmare), or want to stay at home and then I just ended up hovering and saying no constantly to the boys.
They needed to be outside and running around constantly and I just said no to anything that involved being inside and calm for a couple of years.

My DD IS different. Although I would say that its not every boy and girl.

fannyanddick · 21/07/2018 08:15

I wonder if it's to do with the mum's having in mind a long friendship with the other mum and kid rather than a short one and thinking that in the long run it is more likely the kids will be good friends, with lots in common if they're the same sex.

I am guilty of feeling extra pleased when close friends have had a girl within a year of my girl or boy within a year of my boy as I love the idea that they could become friends for life. Obviously the same could happen with a girl boy combo but probably less likely.

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