AIBU: Mums fixated on boy only friends?

[OhFFSDH]

I keep hearing a couple of other mothers in our group of mums (from an antenatal group) refer to their boys as being "real boys" and only really wanting to spend time with mums with other boys. "What's he like! He's such a boy." The other one was, "Be careful, he's a bit rough because he's a boy."

Not only does it seem exclusionary because I have a DD but I just think there's no such thing as "boy/girl behaviour". Your child plays with bugs and eats sticks but so would mine if I let her. I completely understand that you want your children have friends but do they always have to be of the same sex? I also think this is setting them up with excuses for behaviour based on gender.

AIBU here or missing something?

Sounds like toxic masculinity at it’s finest.

My toddler daughter is very loud, rough and tumble, reuses to wear dresses and hates dolls. She loves ride on toys, climbing and Lego and largely plays with boys at nursery because they are more often playing with the toys she likes.

I am seriously fed up with everyone, including the nursery staff, referring to her as a ‘Tom Boy’. No, she is a little girl that is very outgoing, fearless and prefers the comfort of shorts to climb and run than dresses.

Exactly as I was as a child.

I still think it's odd but I'm starting to see why they might behave the way they do. It's a parent problem and perhaps their parents were the same. Although I know for a fact one was a "Tom Boy", she calls herself that and says it as if she is out of the ordinary.

Thinking about this yesterday, boys activities are largely active, outdoor things to do. Girls are encouraged to be inside and stick to typical gender stereotypes. Parents somewhere along the line are causing these issues to continue and, as a pp said, it's wrong and cause of toxic masculinity - like we need anymore excuses for male violence. Imo, they're not different, parents attitudes are. For example, I make a huge effort not to say "good girl" but rather "well done" and think about whether I'd say or react the same to a boy. I'm sure these mums would be very overly "girly" and ensuring their girls were treated like precious vases, perhaps like the woman who told DH he shouldn't be buying DD robot t-shirts from the boy's section because she's a girl.

I'm still annoyed by it and have decided to avoid them because there's no way I want my child even indirectly catching a whiff of those views and me allowing it.

YANBU. People actively looking for stereotypes will see them but in reality all boys are unique, as are all girls. I say this as a primary school teacher who sees firsthand that personality traits don’t attach themselves to one specific gender (apart from where children have been socialised differently ie more boys tend to go to football clubs and are therefore more likely to play it at playtime).

I do get not wanting your child to be slotted unto stereotypical roles but I had a boy and a girl 18 months apart. So toys were shared for a long time. We had a play kitchen, Lego, we also had bikes and footballs and toy cars. All in shared toy boxes. Neither child was encouraged to play with one thing over another but my daughter actively sought out the “girls” toys and my son the “boys” toys even before they went to nursery and would have maybe been influenced by others.

‘Some” parents attitudes are different, but some are not the “cause” of what their children like. I’m not sure just saying “good girl” is really an issue? She’s a girl and she’s been good. Sounds a bit ridiculous imo. Let’s kids play with what they want and how they want. Forcing them to be “gender neutral” in their play is just as bad as forcing them to only play with traditional gendered toys. Let kids play how they want.

In primary school my dds best friend was a boy.She liked pink and purple and I watched her climb trees and build dens.
Her birthday parties were mixed affairs.
Now a teen she has a couple of really good girl friends and gets on with the boys though according to her they are mostly annoying and talk rubbish.
She has her hair cut short and has the normal teenage body image problems.She is however OK being herself and wishes mist people could stop worrying about being a boy or girl but just be.

We had twin dds after 4 older brothers.

My dds much preferred lads to girls and still j do. They are both 19 and they do have girl mates but prefer the company of men .

I remember one mum of just girls telling me off because my dds wouldn’t play babies WTAF with her dd they preferred running around!

Too bloody right. No dd of mine plays babies.

People say my dd is a tomboy because she loves blaze. Would eat mud and is generally loud and loves to climb and play fight with her dad.

But she also loves to dress as a princess and wears makeup (only a bit of blush in the house) and loves to do people's hair.

But yeah she is a tomboy (shakes head)

YANBU, but why don’t you allow your girl to play whatever she wants? girls are not allowed to be themselves - their parents make sure they are always tidy, pretty, well behaved and not hurting anyone and some parents ensure they are also covered top to toe in pink as well just to show the world how girly and pretty they are -
so we grow up watching from the sidelines as the boys (who are allowed to dream big and do
Whatever they want) run the world.

He's such a boy seems to be code for never setting him straight. You probably don't want your daughters anywhere near him.

GoatWithACoat FIL keeps calling DD (2.5) a tomboy. I’ve told him to stop but he ignores me. She’s tall and very active. I think she may have a sporty future. But that doesn’t make her a tomboy! Is Jessica Ennis or Serena Williams a tomboy?

Hate the stereotype that boys are rough and tumble and girls are dainty princesses. My DD is both!

Storm4star
I'm not forcing gender neutral play, she plays with whatever she wants and is never guided. I hardly buy toys because family do a lot but when I do it's based on clear interests I've noticed. Yes, I know she's a girl but I'm careful about the words I use because there's a lot of emphasis on being 'just' a 'good girl' who is obedient in society (like the song, Just A Girl). I'm not raising a child to be gender neutral more of a balance whilst she cannot choose some things, imo, there's a difference.

PickAChew The more I thought about it, the more I felt like this was true.