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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - friends making me feel like I prude because I hate cheating!

31 replies

mmmgoats · 20/07/2018 12:03

I have a group (3-4) of new ish close friends, I've posted about them before, they helped me through a really tough time after a loss at 20 weeks.

But recently they've been making fun of me [in a playful way] because I'm the only one in the group who has never cheated on a partner or never had a fling/relationship with someone who already has a partner. They make out like I'm so naive and innocent and that it's 'sweet' that I was really shocked by this (That I'm the only one).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being all superior about it, their actions are their choice but the fact they keep bringing it up in an almost mocking way to me is getting me down. Added to the fact I absolutely abhor cheating, it's really souring these new friendships for me.

I'm not saying they're having affairs etc now, this is stuff in the past, but they bring it up and seem to try and outdo each other with their experiences and it's just something I'm not interested in talking about in that way. When they've asked me and I've said I haven't done anything like that, really hate cheating etc, that's when they all start ribbing me and saying I'm like their little moral compass, but in quite a sarcastic way if you know what I mean? That I need to properly live and I'm oh so sheltered.

Maybe I'm just being over sensitive, but would this bother you?

OP posts:
WarPigeon · 20/07/2018 12:07

Your friends have the morals of an alley cat, but nobody is perfect and unless you plan on marrying one of the underirables let it go 😄

WarPigeon · 20/07/2018 12:07

Undesirables ^

Original poster
mmmgoats · 20/07/2018 12:09

ah I know nobody is perfect @warpigeon and I don't judge them for their past, of course, I'm just getting a bit tetchy that I'm so roundly made fun of every time it comes up (which is quite often, they seem to love talking about it)

Maybe I am being a bit over sensitive.

OP posts:
pennycarbonara · 20/07/2018 12:16

If they are talking so much about something you disagree with and what's more mocking you, why keep hanging out with them? It sounds like they are not on your wavelength and aren't friends supposed to be? You can just fade out from their group chats and stop meeting up rather than telling them.

Nikephorus · 20/07/2018 12:16

They sound delightful. I wish I had friends like that. Not. They're entitled to their opinions & lack of morals (though I'll judge them) but when they mock you for actually having morals - sod them, that's not what friends do. You're not sheltered, you're just a decent human being with respect for others. Find some new friends.

cakecakecheese · 20/07/2018 12:18

Start quoting bible verses at them Grin

If you actually were doing the above then maybe it'd be fair enough to mock Mrs Judgy pants but it doesn't sound like you're being like that, perhaps they think it's 'banter'.

DuggeesWoggle · 20/07/2018 12:19

Presumably none of these 'friends' have ever been cheated on themselves? If they had they would know it is no laughing matter and would not be quite so blasé about it.

They don't sound like people who value loyalty in a relationship of any kind so I would keep them at arms length.

PaulRuddislush · 20/07/2018 12:20

I had friends like this about 25 years ago, they were all competitive about how many people they'd slept with and most of them were married to someone else, it was like being trapped in an episode of SITC.
I began to think it was "normal" and I was some kind of boring weirdo for being loyal, I became quite a horrible person under the influence and thankfully backed away before I got burned too badly.

purits · 20/07/2018 12:22

How do you know that this behaviour is "in the past"? What's to say that one of them won't take a shine to your DP/DH.

soulrider · 20/07/2018 12:23

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being all superior about it, their actions are their choice

Be superior about it, their actions don't only impact them. I've no problem with people having an open relationship where all parties concerned know the deal, cheating is different and I make no apologies for judging people who cheat on their own partner or with someone they know to be in a relationship

BunsOfAnarchy · 20/07/2018 12:24

Yes because outdoing one another on cheating stories is just papering over what disgusting morals they have.
People actually brag about this? Ridiculous. Find new friends.

Disquieted1 · 20/07/2018 12:25

Don't pretend that you enjoy being mocked just so you can be one of the gang.
This has gone beyond gentle ribbing or you wouldn't be posting on MN about it. Do you really want friends whose fundamental values differ so much from yours?

Original poster
mmmgoats · 20/07/2018 12:25

@purits I was referring to the things they talk about, which is all in the past.

@soulrider I guess because it was in the past, I wouldn't judge as most of us grow up, but then again the way they talk about it all so gleefully suggests maybe they haven't

OP posts:
LookAtThatCritter · 20/07/2018 12:25

I was best friends with someone who would use the fact that she cheated on her boyfriend as some kind of weird boast Confused it was her opening line to pretty much everyone she met. YANBU, cheating does happen and I don’t agree with it but it’s definitely not something to be proud of!

Also not friends with her at all now. Turns out she also steals, lies and after 2 years of me asking not to be told about what my ex is doing she announced his engagement to me in front of all my friends Angry

Original poster
mmmgoats · 20/07/2018 12:27

@bunsofanarchy @disquieted1 @pennycarbonara I isolated myself a bit after our loss, and met these friends when I started tentatively trying to socialise again. My two best friends don't live close so I don't see them often.
I suppose I'm now a bit fearful of not having any friends locally and going back into myself/my own head again which really wasn't good for me, but you're right I shouldn't stick with friends who are actively being quite nasty to me - maybe it's best not to have any (locally)

OP posts:
thedevilinablackdress · 20/07/2018 12:27

This is their 'thing'. What they bond over, or at least one part of their friendship.
You're probably not going to be comfortable with them long term.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/07/2018 12:37

I'd subtly be making sure their their husbands found out,but Then I'm a cunt.
I'll hold my hands up.
Why exactly are you friends with these idiots.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 20/07/2018 12:55

@awwlookatmybabyspider ^in my latest post, I've said why I'm still sticking with them, but it's true - I am starting to question why! They were very good to me when I was very low, though.

OP posts:
sexnotgender · 20/07/2018 12:59

They’re weird!!
I’ve never cheated and never will, it’s abhorrent and you should be proud that you aren’t a cheating arsehole like your ‘friends’.

Magicpaintbrush · 20/07/2018 13:00

YANBU. You are the only one of the group with a conscience by the sounds of it. I wouldn't cheat either, nor would I go with a man who was spoken for. I think it's shit.

specialsubject · 20/07/2018 13:06

few subjects are more boring than sex lives. tell them that who you shag is your business and who they shag is theirs, and if they have no other interests then find people who do.

if they screw around, fine - but you dont, would not like it done to you and that is that.

ImAIdoot · 20/07/2018 13:08

If you hang around with people who think potentially life destroying consequences for other people are part of the fun, eventually you will become more like them.

It starts with laughing at badly immoral stuff as if it's sophisticated and funny. Bad choices will find their way into your life eventually through this kind of thing and that's a promise, it's just a case of when, and whether those bad choices are big or small.

Don't stare into the abyss much longer is my advice.

Wherearemymarbles · 20/07/2018 13:14

Next time they bring it up say ‘oh I assume you wouldnt mind your partner cheating’

Whattheactualfuckmate · 20/07/2018 13:15

Why do they talk about it all the time though?

Are they all bored of there lives and have to rehash ‘fun’ times .. Hmm

SciFiFan2015 · 20/07/2018 13:24

Can we all think of a way for you to join in the "banter"? Here's a suggestion

Look coy and say "I'm going to turn over a new leaf...I've got my eye on [insert name of a friend's OH]" and wink.

That should shut them up and it's just "banter"!!!!

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