To find my friend's behaviour hurtful

[nailvarnishpeeling]

I haven't heard from my closest friend for over four weeks. That's very unusual for us, the only other time it's happened was when I'd behaved wrongly and she needed the time to come to terms with it. That was over two and a half years ago. Usually we message most days, if not every day.

She has had depression for several years and has been really struggling since about January. I've gone out of my way to help her and be there for her, especially as she had been living alone a few hours away from home. Since about April contact with her had become more sporadic, I'd message her and she'd reply maybe 3 or 4 days later. Before I left to go on holiday in June she promised me she'd be in contact (that was out of her own volition, I hadn't even mentioned it to her) but I haven't heard anything since.

She's been online, so she's okay, but I can't decide whether to be worried or hurt or both. I just don't understand why she wouldn't reply to at least let me know that she's not up to talking right now. She knows I'd be worried, and it's just hurtful that I've sacrificed so much to help her, and she brought me in so close by telling me what she was going through, and now there's nothing. Part of me is expecting that when she eventually does reply, she'll really need me again. Which I wouldn't mind at all, but I can't help feeling a bit used. AIBU?

I would imagine she's really struggling...

I get why you find it hurtful but personally I think YABU. When I have bad patches with my depression, I can be out of contact for long periods but might peruse online for a distraction. I go into what I call hermit mode and just shut down so it is hard to even message anyone and I'd be worried that I'd then get tonnes of messages checking in or asking questions that were well meant but not what I needed.

How many times and in what ways have you reached out to her? Obviously you don’t want to annoy or suffocate her, but sometimes it takes multiple attempts to engage with someone in that position. I don’t think it’s enough that she told you she would be in touch.

I think you could get into contact to check she’s ok, maybe speak rather than text or email.

Agree with pp, your friend sounds like she’s struggling at the minute. In all honesty, I do this. When I really need my friend, I go quiet. I hate asking for her help but she knows silence = help me. Contact your friend, or go round. I’m sure she still loves you regardless of her silence.

Being online doesn't mean she's fine. If she was struggling and finding it hard to talk to you the she obviously isn't able to just pop you a message. I think, given you know she's struggling with severe depression, you're being incredibly self absorbed.

I realise that being online doesn't mean everything's fine, by "okay" I meant alive.

I don't know what else to do other than send her a message checking in and asking if she's okay. Is there a different message that would be better? Going round uninvited isn't possible at the minute unfortunately due to her living arrangements.

I know that she must be struggling - she's explained to me before that when she isolates herself like this it's a bad sign. I have sent her four messages on whatsapp, two of which were specifically looking to
Support her. None of them have been read or responded to. I have also messaged her on snapchat, although not for a couple of weeks. They were opened (after several days) but no response. I don't want to overwhelm her, I'm trying to reach out to her but also to be sensitive to her need for privacy. I really have been going out of my way to show her I care throughout this, providing transport to appointments as she doesn't drive, listening to her (sometimes into the wee hours of the morning), writing letters that I know will mean a lot to her when she was living away. I don't have a lot of support myself and I suppose I'm just finding it all quite emotionally exhausting.

Also she posted a photo of a trip she was on on social media a couple of weeks ago and someone in her close family put a photo of an event they were at together, both of which happened while I was away. So she has been able to do that much

Have you tried calling her? Maybe she finds it hard to write down how she feels?

It's not all about you OP. If she's made it out for the odd day that's great, not something to use against her. It doesn't mean she's not struggling.

I'm at rock bottom right now. I've been on Facebook today and on here. But I don't have the energy to get dressed or have a wash. The effort of sending a text message is overwhelming. Doesn't mean I don't want to, I just can't.

Let your friend know you're there for her when she is able to and leave her to get in touch when she can. Don't mention that you've seen her online, the thought of being judged for that (because that is what you're doing) is horrible.

I have a friend like this. It's really hard to know whether they're depressed and need space, depresssed but would appreciate contact, or just not your friend any more.

I go through episodes myself so i get it to an extent, but I also know what it feels like to be hurt that you're reaching out to people and they're ignoring you.

I don't know what the answer is OP unfortunately. You're not alone though.

Personally, I think it takes a couple of seconds to message saying "sorry, in a difficult place right now, will be back in touch once I'm feeling up to it".

Bombardier if you've got the energy to message on here then why not a text?

Genuine question, not a criticism. Is it the expectation of repeated contact?

Friendship is a two way street, if you haven't heard from your friend, why don't you make contact with her and ask her if she is ok? If she isn't answering messages why not pop round to her house for a coffee and check on her, if she is struggling then even answering a message may feel like climbing a mountain,

If you feel you've done all you can, don't feel you have to do more, obviously. Just don't be pissed off with her for not responding when she can't.

She may have felt forced or guilt tripped to do those trips with family. They could have totally wiped her out or set her back. Depression is bloody awful. I understand you may feel like second best but it's probably not a deliberate snub by her.

You are taking her silence personally. This really isn’t about you or your friendship with her, this is about the extent of her depression and problems nothing more or less. She will care about you as much as she always has but she is not able to communicate at the moment.
Send her a card, with a heartfelt message and leave the door wide open if you can’t go and physically knock on the door (why can’t you go and visit?)
You may look back and wish you had done more. Or you may feel you need to step back having given it too much energy already. It is imperative you make careful and considered decisions around her at the moment.
At the darkest hour most days she may be unable even to get out of bed, on better days maybe she emerges but with painful steps. Don’t take any of this personally.

I don't know what you did a couple of years ago but it might have been enough to shift the friendship on her end, so you're not a priority in the way you might have been before.

So, if she's struggling, you might not be one of the people she makes an effort with, IYSWIM.

All these people saying you don't know what she's going through, yes I agree. I sometimes go into shutdown mode myself when things get too much. But at what point do you give up contacting someone? If you text a friend who you're worried about and get no response, how long do you keep up that one-sided contact? Once a week? Text once then stop and wait for them to get in touch? At what point are you supposed to give up and accept that this friendship has run its course?

Genuine question because I'm in that situation. And I know people have lives and things going on.

I know you care about your friend, OP, but you are at risk of making this about you - the title of this thread says as much.

Let her be - she hasn't done anything wrong. You've reached out to her and she's getting by in the way that works for her, whether that's isolating herself sometimes, seeing family, or browsing social media.

In the nicest possible way, I doubt she needs the pressure of your hurt feelings right now. She might suspect that you 'need' something from her - be it gratitude or whatever - and she doesn't feel up to that interaction.

As a pp said, it's not personal.

I think you've done all you can, and need to leave things alone now, primarily to protect yourself. Preserve your energies and accept she isn't being a friend to you now, for her own reasons.

Different things can be true at the same time: she's suffering; she's self-absorbed; she doesn't want to pursue your friendship. It could be one of these things or all.

You've been a good friend, now look after yourself, and see what happens after she's had some space.

Speaking as a massive depressive -
a) Yes, she probably is just in a bad patch and finding it too much of a stretch to make contact with anyone at the moment.
b)Depressives are an absolute pain in the arse. We take everything to heart, we can dish it out but can't take it, we can ring people up crying our eyes out and then not contact them for ages...In my more level-headed phases I'm well aware that this is not endearing. So I would say it's perfectly acceptable to roll your eyes and mutter "Oh, for fuck's sake" when she lets you down for the umpteenth time.
c) But don't say that to her.
d) And, on behalf of melancholics everywhere, I'd like to thank you, on behalf of our friends and family everywhere, for your constancy, love and support. xx

I think you're taking this too personally.

Everyone needs time to breathe, and space, you need to respect this, your friend hasn't done anything wrong, and neither have you.

I had a friend whom I couldn't meet up with, for genuine reasons, and she made it all about her, and said I'd changed in my behaviour towards her, even going to the lengths of writing me a letter - she made me feel extremely uncomfortable, and I still don't feel comfortable around her - in her efforts to pull me back in towards her, she ultimately, has pushed me away - I found her behaviour smothering, claustrophobic, and completely uncalled for - she made a huge issue out of nothing, and for me, I'm kind of done - I don't need drama like that in my life, or needy friendships.

Don't read too much into her behaviour, and don't guilt trip her, or yourself for it, you could wind up destroying your friendship, even though you have the best of intentions.

Also, you say she's your closest friend - but are you hers?

Perhaps she has friendships other than yours that are just as important to her? So she doesn't realise how important she is to you, and what a big deal the no communication thing is?

Either way, take a step back, and give her some space.

@TheyCanGoInTheBucket

*Bombardier if you've got the energy to message on here then why not a text?

Genuine question, not a criticism. Is it the expectation of repeated contact?*

I can only answer for myself, but I know that when I've been in a depressed/anxious state and feel unable to interact/as though I don't have the energy to interact it's because:

1. sending a text to someone I know (rather than writing something to a stranger on the internet) requires emotional energy. I tend to overthink and judge what I'm saying. Just one text message can take me 20 minutes, plus send me into an anxious state. I might then continue overthinking about it until the person responds.

2. Opening up dialogue then opens up a series of texts where I react as above. It's overwhelming.

3. I perceive that I need to explain myself. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to open up '20 questions'.

I realise that the above sounds rather full on/not 'right', but that's depression/anxiety for you... It skews your thinking beyond recognition.

These days I'm absolutely fine and firing off a text takes me 5 seconds!

She might be feeling better. And because you were so close and supportive, she may want to push you away. By pushing you away she can push away the bad memories of how low and crap things were at that time. Let's be honest, you will be talking to her about how she was feeling and things she talked about when she was desperately low. She doesn't want to be reminded of that, no one does.

It has happened to me twice so far. Chucked in the bin after 6 months or more of intensively supporting someone through a really rough time. Because they moved on, pulled themself out the hole (with my help) and got themselves new "happy times" friends. I am now much more wary of helping those in need and make sure not to get too involved or become a regular support source.

So don't take it personally OP. You deserve a friend who will mutually support you not someone who is take take take. MH issues of someone else do not trump your right to be treated with care and respect, the same level of care and respect you would show a friend.