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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find my friend's behaviour hurtful

44 replies

nailvarnishpeeling · 20/07/2018 11:56

I haven't heard from my closest friend for over four weeks. That's very unusual for us, the only other time it's happened was when I'd behaved wrongly and she needed the time to come to terms with it. That was over two and a half years ago. Usually we message most days, if not every day.

She has had depression for several years and has been really struggling since about January. I've gone out of my way to help her and be there for her, especially as she had been living alone a few hours away from home. Since about April contact with her had become more sporadic, I'd message her and she'd reply maybe 3 or 4 days later. Before I left to go on holiday in June she promised me she'd be in contact (that was out of her own volition, I hadn't even mentioned it to her) but I haven't heard anything since.

She's been online, so she's okay, but I can't decide whether to be worried or hurt or both. I just don't understand why she wouldn't reply to at least let me know that she's not up to talking right now. She knows I'd be worried, and it's just hurtful that I've sacrificed so much to help her, and she brought me in so close by telling me what she was going through, and now there's nothing. Part of me is expecting that when she eventually does reply, she'll really need me again. Which I wouldn't mind at all, but I can't help feeling a bit used. AIBU?

OP posts:

Subtlecheese · 20/07/2018 13:43

From experience being impersonal and anonymous on the internet is less tiring than talking to people I know. Even by text. Because I usually convince myself those I know are fed up and deserve and expect things (as friends do). A state of feeling at once that I am unworthy/ tedious of being a friend also self doubt and a bit judgy "A real friend would understand". I know it is the crappy side of despresion / anxiety but that doesn't mean I can overcome all that to say. "Thank you for being in touch. It means a lot. I am shit right now."
In dealing with friends with depression I have to send a message of loving support. But require no answer. With one friend I have negotiated thus: ping? And the response is: ping. It's a shortcut that means we know we care but right now can not. Or don't want to try with talking.

Anonymumm · 20/07/2018 14:16

Also, what did you do when you behaved wrongly? Could this be having an impact on the current situation?

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 20/07/2018 14:19

I think if you're really struggling finding the emotional energy even to send a short message can be difficult and the longer the silence the more explanation is requires and hence the more difficult it becomes.

Original poster

nailvarnishpeeling · 20/07/2018 16:32

You're right. I am taking it too personally. I certainly didn't mean to judge her or criticise her or pressurise her. I wasn't really planning on saying anything about it to her, I really just needed to offload. I've been finding it hard to deal with and I don't have anyone to talk to about any of it irl. I do know that it's not her fault though. I've sent her a message today saying that I understand that she may not be able to respond, and that's okay, but that I love her and I'm here if she needs me. I'm going to leave it now.

I suppose this was the culmination of the resentment I've been feeling about different things related to her and which I've then been swallowing down because of what she's going through. I don't feel able to address little things that maybe I would have addressed had depression not been in the mix. I also don't have a lot of friends right now and I've struggled with loneliness for the last couple of years. I really care about my friend and I genuinely miss her. The thought of not knowing when I'll next hear from her is not a nice one. Thanks for your help

OP posts:

Original poster

nailvarnishpeeling · 20/07/2018 16:33

Also the thing that I did wrong was something entirely separate, I'm totally sure that it's been forgotten and isn't having an effect on this situation.

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Sonders · 20/07/2018 16:39

I suffered with depression for most of my adult life and am so grateful to be feeling ok now.

I know it's the best advice to send the "If you're struggling that's ok, I'm here when you need me" message but I ruddy hated those, because I never knew how to reply and then would ruminate on my failure to reply to a simple, kind message.

Instead, could you try something lighter and easy to reply to, and try to spark a natural conversation? Maybe ask if she's watched Queer Eye and then find out if she would rather be best friends with Tan or Jonathan?

Ok it doesn't need to be that specific - but when we're healthy that's what most of friendship is - and as a depressed person that's what I personally needed most.

NorthernSpirit · 20/07/2018 16:42

Pick up the phone and call her. These things make calls as well as texts!

MadMags · 20/07/2018 18:34

Pick up the phone and call her. These things make calls as well as texts!

I never understand why people suggest this on threads like this.

If she doesn’t want to respond to texts, she’s not going to want to answer the phone.

I hate people ringing me. A text is much less intrusive and I can respond when it’s convenient.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 20/07/2018 18:41

Pick up the phone and call her. These things make calls as well as texts!

I agree that it would be a bit tone-deaf to try to ring when texts etc have already been unanswered.

I know it's well-intentiend I imagine the very last thing she needs is a chat about it.

Take care OP, you sound like you're a nice friend.

CSIblonde · 20/07/2018 21:22

She's struggling so shes retreating:so textbook/ normal depression. As pp has said, when I'm depressed I can't face anyone, I'll shop at 2am at 24hr supermarket to avoid people on the street/on the bus/in the shop. Everything about normal life is overwhelming: I shut down. Getting dressed is an achievement, never mind talking to people or leaving the house. A card saying thinking about you, hope you are OK, im here if you need me would be something I'd find comforting and would make me get in touch. It's nothing personal, it's just how depression isolates you,which in turn worsens it. Its a vicious circle.

peachgreen · 20/07/2018 21:27

When my PND was at its worst, my best friend said she was going to message me a new and interesting fact every day so that I would know she was thinking of me, and could reply if I was up to talking but ignore if I wasn't. She did and it meant the absolute world to me. I couldn't always reply but I always, always appreciated it. I'm sure your friend appreciates you contacting her. Just be patient and remind her you're there for you and you're thinking of her.

SugarIsAmazing · 20/07/2018 21:39

In my personal experience I have found people with depression tiresome and very me, me, me. All about why they can't do something rather than think of ways they can at least try.
Just let her drift away and try and make new friends.

niknac1 · 20/07/2018 21:58

Lots of friends outlast partners and husbands, through thick and thin. You’ll both hopefully come through this and maybe never face it again.

Poppins2016 · 21/07/2018 09:41

@SugarIsAmazing

You've voiced something often left unsaid, there. I spoke with a good friend about this not long ago. We have both suffered with depression and wondered whether there's a bit of a taboo against saying that depressed people can come across as (or, well, just are) selfish.
My friend and I have both recently dealt with our DH's being depressed and have been surprised at the lack of empathy we've had for them, despite going through severe depression ourselves in the past. We've come out with such things as 'wish he'd just find some motivation', 'so frustrated' 'tired of this', 'just needs to help himself and he's refusing to'. Shocking thoughts when you consider we would both have been very hurt and felt helpless to be at the receiving end of such sentiments ourselves when going through it! (Please note, these comments were only voiced to each other when off-loading... Never to the DH's!)

Unfortunately depression is, by nature, a 'selfish illness'. It makes you very introspective. But I believe it's the illness rather than the underlying personality. It takes over someone's thoughts, their outlook on life, etc. The world becomes tainted with a fog that they can't see past. They don't have the mental resources to 'just try' any more than someone with a broken ankle has the capacity to 'just walk on it'.

If someone can 'bear with' a depressed person rather than letting a friendship drift, it would mean the world to that person... The depressed person doesn't have the resources to pour into a friendship, but that doesn't mean that they don't care about you or want to continue the friendship. If a friend with cancer went quiet, you'd probably a) reach out and ask 'what can I do?' or b) respect the need for a quiet recovery and be there at the other end. I believe that mental health illnesses should be approached in exactly the same way.

Original poster

nailvarnishpeeling · 21/07/2018 11:47

Thank you. I'm actually really glad she's shared her experiences of depression with me. Both for her sake, because she gets to talk about it and that can only be a good thing, but also for mine. It's really opened my eyes to what depression is and how it manifests itself and the impact it has on the person. And she's just helped me to be more aware of issues surrounding mental health in general. I appreciate that she's done that for me so, so much.

Yes, sometimes the whole situation can feel very frustrating or even irritating (this thread allowed me to offload) but I would never ever tell her that. I have no intention of letting her "drift away". If she for some reason decided she didn't want to be friends anymore, that's different, but otherwise I'm here with her in the middle of it. I'm not going anywhere. She's my friend, not an illness. I wouldn't stop being her friend if she had cancer, so why would I stop because of depression? When people are ill that's when they need support more than ever.

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Elliebobbins · 21/07/2018 20:02

I'm glad you can offload here. I think the text that you sent sounds lovely and that you are right to leave it for a while now so she doesn't feel under pressure. I know it is hard when you feel shut out but I hope you feel better now that you have had some reassurance that it is about your friend's state of mind and not meant to upset you.

RedPanda2 · 21/07/2018 20:38

I know it's frustrating but don't stop trying. Even just send her sill pictures. I'm just coming out of this and I haven't told my best friend that I was suicidal, as it is so hard to tell people you love. poppins2016 I agree with everything

RedPanda2 · 21/07/2018 20:39

nailvarnishpeeling btw it sounds like you are a great friend

Original poster

nailvarnishpeeling · 22/07/2018 23:32

Apologies for bringing this up again but I am so worried about her. She lives with other people (some of whom are not very supportive of her to say the least) so she's hopefully not physically alone but I can't help worrying. I know it doesn't mean anything and I know I probably shouldn't even have noticed but she's deleted her facebook account very recently, in the last few days. I just know she's felt suicidal before and it's awful not having heard from her for this long. I wish I could temporarily uninvest myself until I hear from her ahhhhh

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