To think my neighbour was insensitive?

[biscuitmarch]

Sorry if this is a bit long. NC for this as they’ll definitely know who I am. I’ve lived in a mid Terrace house for 2 years now. I got on with neighbours both sides as soon as I moved in but they both have loud dogs which was quite inconvenient when my daughter was 6 months old and trying to nap so that caused a bit of friction. I then got horrifically abused by my ex partner. Both sides heard what happened and told my parents when they came to visit. I obviously did what most victims do and denied everything they said they ‘heard’.

Cut forward to a year and half later and I am in constant battle with the couple on the left of me. They are in their 50s and appear to be retired/working from home as they’re always there. They walk their dog once or twice a week. I was incredibly ill with PID after my abuse as I was pregnant at the time and he caused some serious damages. I can now no longer have children. I have only just been able to be on my feet all day like I used to.

They have detested me ever since I have been abused because the noise of it ‘disturbed their right to peace’. Well I’m sorry that me almost getting killed was such an inconvienience to your lives! Now their problems with me were that their gardens are fully paved over and mine aren’t. I have patches of grass on both my front and back gardens. Private rent so can’t get rid of it. I was at my worst stage of my illness last summer and my gardens were fairly overgrown however they were hardly perfect when I moved in (crap cowboy landlord but that’s a different kettle of fish). They were not however encroaching onto other properties or causing any environmental health problems. In fact they were very much wild flower gardens and I’ve seen a drastic drop in bees and butterflies since everything has been cleared.

I was walking home with my daughter the other night and the husband of the old couple was stood outside the back of the houses doing something. I walked passed him and ignored him as always. He called my name which I thought was incredibly weird and creepy as they have never taken in a parcel for me or anything like that. They should not know my name so it’s made me think that they’ve been looking for information on me online or something. I turned around and said hello to him nicely. He then went on to say something along the lines of ‘we can be friends now the gardens are tidier and you’re quieter!’. I just accepted it and shook his hand so I could take my daughter inside. I really wanted to just say ‘well actually I’ve been incredibly ill and unable to do the gardens and maybe I’m quiet because I’m not being beaten within an inch of my life?’.

I know that he was probably just trying to be nice but come on. I haven’t looked well whenever they’ve seen me since the abuse and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out there may be mental health repercussions too. I just can’t believe him saying now that I’m quieter, that bit rattled me the most. Like the abuse was my fault and under my control. Some people live very sheltered lives

I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered.

Some people do lead very sheltered lives. That's not their fault. They may not have realised what was going on or understood how bad it was. How would he know you were ill? I expect he just focused on the noise disturbance (which could be frightening for neighbours) and the neglected gardens (some people get upset over wild gardens as they feel it reflects badly on their neighbourhood, lowers the value of their house or attracts foxes/rats.

Sounds like he was just trying to be friendly and build bridges.

The gardens honestly weren’t that bad as they hardly get any sunlight so were overgrown half as much as they could have been. I can tell that they literally don’t do anything but complain about other people. I had various authorities including the council in and out of my house and at no point did any of them comment on the state of my gardens so they really weren’t bad. I see much worse just walking around where I live. We live next to factories that create constant annoying noise so I’m not really sure how they can be complaining to me and don’t live in a terraced house if you can’t cope with noise? If the noise from the abuse bothered them so much maybe they could have called the police? It works both ways. All it took was pressing 3 numbers and saying they heard what they heard.

Obviously it is not up to them to protect me but if someone was breaking into their house whilst they were on holiday I wouldn’t just ignore it and let it happen? It was very obvious that it was serious abuse not just petty arguments or something like that. I screamed for help several times. I just feel like they have victimised themselves in my experience. I’m not really sure what kind of person would complain about the noise from an attempted murder? It’s a bit sickening to me. Yeah fair enough if it was loud swearing arguments but it was just him beating me and saying he was going to kill me. It happened 3 times so it’s not like it was every day for a long time

It seems like your blaming your neighbours abit for what happened. When my ex attacked me in the communal stair way of my flat not one neighbour called the police or helped. I find most people dont like to get involved, as sad as that is.

They also refused the police vital evidence from their cctv cameras and refused to give a statement of what they heard thus meaning he only got 4 months inside and has been hassling me ever since. So yes I am blaming them

Maybe they were scared of repercussions, I know I would be.

Put the blame where it lies. Not on people who happened to be living next door. You say yourself that when they tried to intervene you denied anything was wrong, and now you’re blaming them for someone else’s wrong doing

I also think you’re out of touch with reality when you say people shouldn’t live in terraced houses if they don’t like noise. Not everyone has the luxury of living in a detached house

I’m sorry about what happened to you, that’s sounds horrific.

I’m not excusing their behaviour, but have you tried explaining what actually happened? They may not have realised the seriousness of the situation.

If you seemed like an average couple, they may not have thought something so awful could be happening behind closed doors and thought it was a humdinger of an argument.

Perhaps if you’re now on speaking terms you could explaining how bad it was and how I’ll you’ve been.

They may even help with the garden if you’re still having problems health wise.
I know I would

You can’t blame them for your ex partners actions
They tried to help you you said so yourself

I do not think they will detest you at all. It is really difficult to interfere between people.

Could you have a chat with them and explain what actually happened - they will probably be really shocked and be completely on your side. Don't blame the neighbours for what your partner did.

I hope everything improves for you.

They were probably scared of him OP. They did well to tell your parents though. Perhaps when you denied it they decided they didn't want to get involved.

Sounds like he was trying to be friendly however brusquely.

OP, what happened to you sounds horrific. Your ex also sounds like a very scary and dangerous man and I wonder if blaming this old couple is a self-preservation thing? Like, it's definitely not your fault and putting the blame on someone so violent and frightening is difficult but blaming and getting angry at a relatively harmless old couple is a much safer outlet for all your emotions?

I dunno. I might be playing a cod psychology here so feel free to ignore me.

Yes, they could have done more but it wasn't their responsibility to do so and - just like you are hoping they realise there was more going on in your life - maybe the same is true of them? You may never know whatever else they may have dealt with in their lives or be dealing with right now so to be angry at them for not taking on even more seems wrong.

With regards to the comments about noise etc. Sometimes people try to do the right thing but get it wrong. Their social skills let them down and it comes out wrong. I know that happens to me all the time and I walk away thinking "shit, now they will think I meant x when I really meant y". And thats when I realise. There's probably tons of times I don't even realise I've been an accidental dick.

Maybe either take them at face value and accept the olive branch or ignore it. Otherwise, it seems like you have enough going on without also spending energy being angry at them?

They tried to help.

They told your parents and you denied it. To them that could have been proof that their interference wasn’t welcomed.

And it probably wasn’t at the time.

I mean, what he said was a bit shitty but some people just are, aren’t they? Try to put it from your head.

If your abuser is harassing you, are you getting help from the police? Could moving be an option?

You cant blame your neighbours, they would be scared no doubt of what your ex may do to them. If your ex is hassling you, thats nothing to do with them and you need to report it. Have you reported it to the Police?

But they did try to help - they told your parents. Then you denied everything. They backed off and didn't want to get further involved, probably worried that there would be repercussions, for you or them.

I'm sure they wouldn't have been looking you up online. Apart from anything else, if they could hear your arguments, presumably they could hear your ex saying your name?

It's likely they have NO idea how bad it's been. Why would they? Not everyone is an expert in DV. They have extended the hand of friendship, even if it was in a clumsy way. Maybe now, if you start talking to them, they will come to see how awful it's all been for you, and want to help?

""They also refused the police vital evidence from their cctv cameras and refused to give a statement of what they heard thus meaning he only got 4 months inside and has been hassling me ever since.""

You had defended your ex and denied what was going on, when they tried to help last time. Although the Police were involved the likelihood of you forgiving him and taking him back, was a possibility (going by how many Women do), so they didn't want to bring trouble upon themselves, which is reasonable.

I am living among Women who won't/can't leave their DV situations. I understand cycles of abuse etc, but that doesn't make the practical side of living around them any easier. i have to take my GC out whilst the worse of the arguing is going on.

That might seem unsympathetic, but I have a right to live in peace, as well. I've been seriously ill, but they wouldn't know that. Do you know what your neighbours could have been experiencing whilst this was going on?

They wouldn't have known that you were ill.

He was holding out a hand of friendship, you've projected on to that and told him were to shove it.

It would have been more beneficial to get to speak to them and clear up the past. It may have helped with you moving on.

Is it the neighbour in his 50's that you are calling old?

You are being unfair. They tried to help and you said they were lying.

But when it first happened they tried to intervene and you denied it all?

So they told your parents but wouldn't help otherwise? It's quite easy for them to know your name when you lived next door a while, especially if they spoke to your family.

I was nearly killed by an ex whilst living in a flat, neighbours definitely heard what was going on (two blokes lived beneath us) but nothing was ever reported or said. There's something called the 'bystander effect' where people don't get involved when they think other witnesses are around. Also, you lying to cover your ex might have made them more reluctant - they told your parents, that was them trying to help. Don't blame what your ex did on them.

Yes it's a crap thing to say, but I don't think it was intentionally nasty.

I don't want to be insensitive - but I don't think your neighbours are being insensitive. You have gone through horrific times and I wish you strength and resilience and happiness

Sorry OP, but they did try to help and you brushed them off with your response to your parents. That would put most people off trying to help again, tbh. Perhaps they got your name when they spoke to your parents. Your neighbours are in no way to blame for what happened to you.

I hope you continue your recovery from your injuries.

But they did try to help - they told your parents. Then you denied everything. They backed off and didn't want to get further involved, probably worried that there would be repercussions, for you or them.
This ^^. If you weren't co-operating then there was a reasonable chance that any case would fail and so if they'd got involved with cctv etc. your ex would be free to have a go at them. Self-preservation, particularly given they'd be there all the time.
And it's not much fun living next to a property where there's no effort being taken to maintain it. They didn't know how bad things were for you or they might have offered to help.
You're having a go at the wrong people. They tried helping and it was effectively thrown back in their faces.

I'm sorry OP but the only person to blame for your abuse is your ex-partner. It is not your neighbour's fault that he did what they did, especially as they did try to help but then were probably scared of repercussions, especially as you rebuffed their help.

Sorry you have had such ill health OP but put yourself in their shoes - they heard the abuse and raised the alarm with your parents, and you denied it and labelled them as liars!
Once you did that I'm sure your neighbours believed (with good reason) that your ex would turn his abuse on them and you would back HIM up!
No wonder they withdrew further involvement by withholding their CCTV evidence.

As for knowing your name - don't you think you parents may have told them when your neighbours reported the abuse of you to them?

I suggest you go round with a plant or flowers and start by apologising for calling them liars and thank them for trying to help you. Tell them your situation, be honest about why you defended your abuser in the face of their evidence. Build bridges with them - because they DID intervene for you at no small risk to themselves.

Sorry op for what you went through.But tehy did help,they told you parents.You denied it.What else where they supposed to do.

They have held out the olive branch,take it and move on.And please tell teh police your ex is hassling you.

I feel for you (honestly) but they did try and help and you made them out to be liars. It's really hard to live next to victims of domestic violence, listen to the beatings, and intervene again and again when it looks like nothings being achieved - even if part of you understands why.

Separately, we're wildlife gardeners and our old neighbour found it very hard to take - he was of the school of gardening where you trim and poison everything into submission. And our garden was gardened, not just left. Nod, smile, ignore.

You don't have to be friends but I'd try for distant and polite.