To think my neighbour was insensitive?

[biscuitmarch]

Sorry if this is a bit long. NC for this as they’ll definitely know who I am. I’ve lived in a mid Terrace house for 2 years now. I got on with neighbours both sides as soon as I moved in but they both have loud dogs which was quite inconvenient when my daughter was 6 months old and trying to nap so that caused a bit of friction. I then got horrifically abused by my ex partner. Both sides heard what happened and told my parents when they came to visit. I obviously did what most victims do and denied everything they said they ‘heard’.

Cut forward to a year and half later and I am in constant battle with the couple on the left of me. They are in their 50s and appear to be retired/working from home as they’re always there. They walk their dog once or twice a week. I was incredibly ill with PID after my abuse as I was pregnant at the time and he caused some serious damages. I can now no longer have children. I have only just been able to be on my feet all day like I used to.

They have detested me ever since I have been abused because the noise of it ‘disturbed their right to peace’. Well I’m sorry that me almost getting killed was such an inconvienience to your lives! Now their problems with me were that their gardens are fully paved over and mine aren’t. I have patches of grass on both my front and back gardens. Private rent so can’t get rid of it. I was at my worst stage of my illness last summer and my gardens were fairly overgrown however they were hardly perfect when I moved in (crap cowboy landlord but that’s a different kettle of fish). They were not however encroaching onto other properties or causing any environmental health problems. In fact they were very much wild flower gardens and I’ve seen a drastic drop in bees and butterflies since everything has been cleared.

I was walking home with my daughter the other night and the husband of the old couple was stood outside the back of the houses doing something. I walked passed him and ignored him as always. He called my name which I thought was incredibly weird and creepy as they have never taken in a parcel for me or anything like that. They should not know my name so it’s made me think that they’ve been looking for information on me online or something. I turned around and said hello to him nicely. He then went on to say something along the lines of ‘we can be friends now the gardens are tidier and you’re quieter!’. I just accepted it and shook his hand so I could take my daughter inside. I really wanted to just say ‘well actually I’ve been incredibly ill and unable to do the gardens and maybe I’m quiet because I’m not being beaten within an inch of my life?’.

I know that he was probably just trying to be nice but come on. I haven’t looked well whenever they’ve seen me since the abuse and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out there may be mental health repercussions too. I just can’t believe him saying now that I’m quieter, that bit rattled me the most. Like the abuse was my fault and under my control. Some people live very sheltered lives

They did try and help though. They told your parents but you stopped that avenue of escape for yourself by denying anything had happened. They clearly thought they had done what they could and felt you were not going to walk away from your domestic situation so they didn't help further.

I think what you are really angry at is not them, but yourself. You are projecting the anger you feel at yourself for your inability to walk away from the abuse onto them.

I am sorry for what you have been through but it is not their fault.

Well I’m sorry that me almost getting killed was such an inconvenience to your lives!

I'd say that to him if he makes any clever remarks again.

I think you need to cut them a bit of slack. They did try to help when they told your parents and they were probably scared about getting involved in a case that involved someone violent/possibly having to go to court etc. My elderly parents would be exactly the same. They would also get their knickers in a twist over an unsightly garden.

Maybe I'll be like that one day...
I think he has reached out to you in a way - perhaps he didn't quite know what to say. I think the idea above of maybe taking a plant for their garden might be really nice - tell them briefly that it's been a terrible time but I think they will feel awkward if you go into too much detail. Just be friendly and smile etc when you see them and I am sure harmony will prevail.

On reflection (have now RTFT properly and didn't realised they had been so much help), what chocatoo said.

They probably don't know you were ill either, how could they if you don't speak.

You say they did try to get help by telling your parents but you denied it? I think maybe you're expecting a lot and they're probably scared too of your ex.

You sound a bit paranoid saying it's weird and creepy that he knows your name after all these years if they spoke to your parents seems likely they learned your name! I seriously doubt they needed to look it up online.

Try to get some counselling to help you move past the anger and grief of what's happened.

They have extended and olive branch, it's a chance to start a new type of relationship with them now

I am so sorry you have been through this.

Potentially he was uncomfortable with acknowledging that they were not strong enough to stand with you and provide evidence again your ex. This was his was of offering an olive branch maybe.

I am surprised that if they told your parents, why did they not give evidence to the police.

I fully disagree that the neighbour tried to help.
They’ve just said to the OP what they did. They told her mum about the noise because they hoped that the noise then would stop.

If they had wanted to help, they would have called the police. But they didn’t and didn't even give cctv evidence let alone give a evidence themselves when the police asked.

A comment like this ‘we can now be good neigbourgs now that the garden is tidy an you dint make any noise’ says very clearly ‘do as I say as, otherwise, I will be unhappy and be in your back’ (by going and complain to your mum for example).

Also I dont think there is any point about mentioning you were in danger with your life. I’m sure they have guessed when the police came visiting them (or have told some of the issues).
But they just dint care.
Their peace nd quiet was much more important to them.

Both sides heard what happened and told my parents when they came to visit. I obviously did what most victims do and denied everything they said they ‘heard’.

Where does it say they told her parents because of the noise? The only mention of noise in that paragraph is the OP saying their dogs were noisy.

What am I missing?

Neighbour disputes SUCK. You don't have to like this people, but if they're offering the olive branch then you should take it even if they do so insensitively. You don't actually have to become friends with them, it's just a cessation of hostilities...

I then got horrifically abused by my ex partner. Both sides heard what happened and told my parents when they came to visit. I obviously did what most victims do and denied everything they said they ‘heard’.

They told OP's parents about the abuse they'd heard which she denied. It sounds like there's more to this story tbh.

AlonsoTigerHeart Fri 20-Jul-18 11:39:42
You can’t blame them for your ex partners actions
They tried to help you you said so yourself

I think the OP is entitled to blame them a bit. Not for his behaviour, but for not calling for help. From the threads & threads on here about noise in terraces, I imagine they would have heard every punch for what it was, they would have known exactly what was going on - that goes for both sets of neighbours.

If they can pick up the phone to complain to the council etc about nonsense complaints, they should have picked up the phone while the OP was being attacked imo.

Really depressing to hear people joining in with the OP and blaming others rather than the PERPETRATOR

Wierd neighbours indeed.... Now you're quiet we can be friends.... Sod that!

We ALL absolutely have a responsibility to eachother... If someone is getting almost murdered and you HEAR it and you know its a domestic bus situation.... You MUST call the police.... Or you don't deserve to be called a human

They also refused the police vital evidence from their cctv cameras and refused to give a statement of what they heard

^That is disgusting. I would have nothing to do with them.

I too feel your anger is misdirected. I'm sorry you suffered such abuse and still are struggling, but they tried to help at the time and you contradicted their evidence. Not sure what cctv would have proved beyond any statements, but I doubt that alone was why he got off more lightly. They may well have learnt your name from then , or through any number of innocuous ways. Try not to read too much into that. Hope you are recovering well and can move on, do you have rl support?