Plan to go back to work f/t how to deal with comments including MIL

[twiglet]

I'm aware that I may get crucified for this but there maybe some useful responses and not just slating me...

I'm just coming to the end of my first trimester however we have already decided that I will be going back to work ft after 9 months (use annual leave before going back) and my DH will have 4 months shared leave followed by a career break (he can take up to 2 years) then go back to work pt. The ratio between career break/pt not yet decided.

My DH is excited to be a stay at home Dad for a bit. Got books out on pregnancy and early years for Dad's to see how he can support me through pregnancy etc.

There is no doubt I will be ft as I earn close to triple my DH, have always been career driven and love working and my DH will be fantastic. The problem I have is how to deal with people's comments....

Not many people know yet about the pregnancy but MIL has already commented its strange and I should only be pt and it's not fair on our future child, she was a sahm followed by pt when the children were older and still works pt.
Friend has commented I could never do that to my child but everyone is different I guess... Its their view which is fine but its the implied guilt.

I don't want to fall out with anyone and we are not going to change our plans it works for us. But I know that I will get more comments like this (especially from some colleagues who are pt workers) and wanted some tips in polite but firm responses.

You have to do what works best for you, your partner and your baby.

Good luck

Keep your options open, and no need to share anything other than vague ideas outside your immediate family until closer to the time you will be returning to work. My dsis is the main breadwinner and they had plans for her dh to be a sahd while she returned ft, but her feelings changed completely once she had her baby in her arms. Her dh understood but was disappointed and she felt guilty.

They compromised on both being slightly pt.

God this frustrated me when I was first pregnant - it's like you're considered naive and foolish for daring to have an idea of what you'd like to do once you've had the baby.

OP, we did the same thing and my husband is now home with our 11 month old. It has worked brilliantly, despite some concerns from others - especially my MIL who frequently warned I wouldn't be able to 'leave the baby', as if I was abandoning him at a police station rather than him being with his father. It has also been excellent for me getting back into work as I haven't had to worry about nursery drop-offs and pick-ups just yet.

Good luck with it all! I just smiled and shrugged when people commented and said 'well we're going to give this a go'

Can you imagine a man having this 'problem' and posting about it?

No, me neither.

How far we haven't come.

OP, tell people politely but firmly, with a smile, that you don't wish to hear their opinions, thank you, and change the subject.

Well unless she is offering to pay your mortgage and bills you should care - if not don't give a shit what she thinks.

I went back f/t and it was definitely unexpected and looked badly upon. I don't give a tiny fuck though.

Both OH & I work FT & DS is at nursery full time & loves it. We have had comments but I just smile and say that is what works for us.

This time round I am taking 7 1/2 months & OH taking 2 months PT - I'm sure the MIL will have some comments to make about it but I'm planning on smiling and saying nothing. The fact is that I love my job & love working FT.

Unfortunately one of the side aspects of motherhood is being constantly judged for pretty much any choice you make. There will always be someone who disagrees with you.

You will also discover there is some very outdated thinking about the role fathers play in a child's life - but that is a totally different rant!

I went back ft and dh became a sahd as mine was better paid and stable. It was fine. I did get a little jealous that dh was the go to parent if they were hurt etc but that's life. Worked put well for us

Unfortunately ime it was other women who were aghast,judgy,with free flowing opinion

I’ve heard the horror stories about nursery,someone knows someone who said the staff starve,beat the babies,The dubious research,Cortisol anyone?

Ive heard all the hallmark channel platitudes
They are only widdle for a short time. True but this isn’t a compelling enough reason that I don’t work

These are precious moments they can be precious in evening and at weekend

They grow up so fast yes,and their growth isn’t linked to my career decline

When the sentimentality failed...The more direct approach

Why have children if you leave them with strangers? It’s a consistent group of trained staff not feral felons

Can’t you down size?Spend less? I could but I don’t want to. Why don’t you work and contribute?

No one lies on death bed wishing they’d worked more! Yea? I’ll not lie on my death bed reminiscing about monkey music. I’ll recall being proud of career

Children need their mothers. True.and mine have a father too.they'll see us after 6

Note: my dp was never asked the same questions or same level of scrutiny. Funny that. No one ever asked him, are you going PT
And here I am,all kids in tact,no attachment issues or criminal tendencies.

So, you practice your impassive I’m listening face,whilst actually thinking will you shut up. Take yourself to a happy wee place,whilst they witter on. And when your kids are proud of you at school,talking about your job you’ll smile

When you’re not struggling to get a job (any job) because you didn’t leave work,you’ll be glad you stayed.

I’m glad I stayed in work for mental and academic stimulation. A sense of achievement. Something for me,other than solely being mum

I’m guilt free, mum guilt is a construct foisted onto women,another dam thing to make us feel bad about

I don't know what they think you're 'doing' to your child. Your providing a comfortable life, rather than one where you are scrimping, with one sahp which is more than a lot of people can unfortunately do these days so your dc is really lucky. I'd be inclined to remind your MIL that its not so easy now.

I know my dp would be desperate to stay at home and he'd probably get a lot more enjoyment out of it than me but unfortunately he earns a lot more so not sure how that would work.

Smile, and repeat 'Dh and I are very happy with our choices' ad nauseum.
BTW, people told me I'd change my mind about going back to work FT when ds was 4.5 months old. I didn't, and we have no regrets about our career and childcare choices.

Get ready to smile and nod and let it wash over you.

If it works for you, it works for you. The only suggestion I have is please make sure your DH is involved with feeding from early on. My DD loved having daddy time at weekends, but took the attitude that daddy was for fun, but mummy was for food....

I actually think you will mostly face curiosity from other mums once you are back at work, but be ready for comments at any baby groups you attend. Generally baby groups are great for your sanity and entertainment, but childcare is a contentious one as lots of guilty and hormonal new mums are trying to comfort themselves about whatever route they've taken and might respond without thinking about how you'll feel, or try to convince you to do whatever they've chosen to do.

Your DH needs to be ready for a really mixed reception. I suspect most mums will treat him as a novelty or saint initially, but he'll get an awful lot of judgement when tantrums etc happen, and I'm not sure other men will support your choice. My DH sometimes jokes about male solidarity and not doing too much in case it's used as an example against other men......

Different situation to yours OP, because both dh and I returned to work and used paid childcare. But I sensed some disapproval from my own mother, who clearly felt that the ‘right’ way was for the mum to give up work.

Tbh I think it was a generational thing. My mother had children at a time when it was completely normal to give up work; there wasn’t regulated childcare anyway and she just didn’t ‘get’ that for women of my generation it’s completely normal to have a career. I suspect a touch of envy too... although I think she quite liked being a SAHM, she was a clever woman who could have perhaps had a richer experience if she’d had more of a life outside the home too.

This is your family, your life. If it works for you all, then it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks

Agree with pp that you just need to say it works for you.

However, please ignore the well meaning but pointless comments about how you might change your mind.blah blah. Sure, you might, but that's true of every decision any of us ever make but it's only with dc that we are expected to change our plans in case we later change our minds. Drives me mad. As a woman it's not that crazy that you might have clear ideas about how you will manage childcare.

I am also not sure about keeping things to yourself. Why should you? You might muse to a family member of you are considering moving job or house, or discuss your long term plans for holidays. Why does everything around childcare have to be shrouded in secrecy? Mostly it's to prevent people judging or pressuring us. But i think it would be much more helpful if society stopped thinking they can comment on women's family choices.

Similarly, obviously salaries are personal but I am not sure why you earning more is such a secret?

I get the odd comment about working full-time with 2 young kids (3&1). I usually reply with "if you are willing to pay my mortgage for me then I'll happily go part-time". I put a jokey spin on it, but it does rather get the point across.

I just wouldn't get into any conversations about it. If people comment just disengage.

It really has nothing at all to do with anyone else.

If you want to expand on 'this works for us', then 'We're really lucky that this works for us' cuts off some of the implied criticism. I'm not such a fan of explaining the financial situation because it can leave judgey people with the impression they should feel sorry for you because you're making do with the second best option because you need the money.

The money thing, there’s always someone in RL & Mn who thinks you can reduce costs
You eke out food,the legendary chicken can make 12 meals,soup,risotto,sandwiches
You buy 2nd hand, you use a moon cup,don’t go on holiday,no Starbucks
As if all of the above actually matters or makes a dent in a mortgage

@BlingLoving we keep my salary (and our finances generally) secret due to getting burnt a few years ago. MIL guilt tripped DH into using his savings to pay large chuck of SIL mortgage when she split up from her partner in order to keep a roof over the heads of his niece and nephew. He did this for 6 months. SIL actually only needed 3 months as she sorted finances with ex took her dcs on a family holiday to Spain for 2 weeks because they deserved the break. MIL knew her response was it was the right thing for him to continue supporting his sis and she deserved the holiday.
It caused a lot of friction so we find it a lot easier for her and SIL not to know. My brother has a similar attitude of other people paying so we avoid at all costs.

I would do exactly what suits you and your family and ignore any fuckers who make any remarks
No point in engaging with them Most of them are coming from their own angle perhaps jealous of your high salary which gives you options
Most people really won't care after an initial reaction

Get used to everyone and their dog having an opinion on all sorts of things to do with your child and parenting. Suggest you practice your "Hmmm" and smile. And don't reveal any plans about anything to anyone.