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Original poster

Plan to go back to work f/t how to deal with comments including MIL

70 replies

twiglet · 20/07/2018 09:27

I'm aware that I may get crucified for this but there maybe some useful responses and not just slating me...

I'm just coming to the end of my first trimester however we have already decided that I will be going back to work ft after 9 months (use annual leave before going back) and my DH will have 4 months shared leave followed by a career break (he can take up to 2 years) then go back to work pt. The ratio between career break/pt not yet decided.

My DH is excited to be a stay at home Dad for a bit. Got books out on pregnancy and early years for Dad's to see how he can support me through pregnancy etc.

There is no doubt I will be ft as I earn close to triple my DH, have always been career driven and love working and my DH will be fantastic. The problem I have is how to deal with people's comments....

Not many people know yet about the pregnancy but MIL has already commented its strange and I should only be pt and it's not fair on our future child, she was a sahm followed by pt when the children were older and still works pt.
Friend has commented I could never do that to my child but everyone is different I guess... Its their view which is fine but its the implied guilt.

I don't want to fall out with anyone and we are not going to change our plans it works for us. But I know that I will get more comments like this (especially from some colleagues who are pt workers) and wanted some tips in polite but firm responses.

OP posts:
reetgood · 20/07/2018 09:53

We’re doing similar. Fortunately I’ve never had anyone make daft comments. I have found that during maternity leave, I am lead carer despite my intentions for more equitable arrangements from the start. My partner is very hands on, but still makes comments that make me wonder if he’s fully prepared for solo days. I trust him, so I have to get out the way and let him parent how he does. We’re actually doing a combo of flexible childcare, grandparents and partner when I go back as partner is self employed and if he can take on work that’s better for us financially

LoveInTokyo · 20/07/2018 09:53

Sounds great, OP. Good for you and your husband. Maybe ask your MIL why she thinks your baby would be so much better off with you at home rather than the son she very capably raised?

mummmy2017 · 20/07/2018 09:54

Just tell them your DH is so excited about being a dad, he decided since it was possible he wanted to have the preschool years, and you were happy too work..

ggirl · 20/07/2018 09:54

OP I think you're really lucky to be able to do what you're going to do.

Just smile and ignore the negative comments and say you're both really happy with the arrangements and feel very lucky.

Ginger1982 · 20/07/2018 09:55

To be honest, I think you need to see how you feel in general. I was always going back to work and am now a SAHM. If you decide to follow through, however, it is no one's business but yours. I find people are silently judgmental about me not working. They think we must be super rich, which is not true!

ISeeTheLight · 20/07/2018 09:57

Don't engage them. We both work f/t'; I went back to work when DD was 5.5 months old. We needed the money; needs must. Just ignore anyone saying anything. I've had some pretty hurtful comments, especially as DD used to spend almost 11 hours a day in nursery. You're providing for your child.

ibuiltahomeforyou · 20/07/2018 09:57

We did this and it was AWESOME, my DH loved his time with DD, I went back and settled into work without the stress of Nursery Drop Off Hell, I didn't get lumbered with the post-maternity leave increase in domestic duties most women get stuck with.

More than anything, it made us much more equal as when I was on mat leave, I naturally did all the cooking, washing etc, and then with DH off it meant it didn't all stay with me by default. It was one of the happiest times of our lives as DH works longer hours than I do.

No one else is on your situation so just ignore them - your decision is right for your family.

seeingdots · 20/07/2018 09:58

Ignore them! It's incredibly sexist to suggest that you should feel guilty because you'll be a parent who works full time rather than him. It sounds like you have a great plan in place that'll work well for you all.

OakElmAsh · 20/07/2018 09:59

Exactly the same as you, and I do often get "head-tilt" comments about how hard that must be for me/him/the DC .... it isn't, this balance works perfectly for us, and I have no problem telling anyone that

GreyCloudsToday · 20/07/2018 09:59

In my experience: "this is what works for us" fake smile, repeat endlessly....!

Mat leave made me positively hungry for my career again and I was so happy to go back to work. DH finally understood the burden of care work when he finally had to do it full time, though he didn't find the social aspect easy being a SAHD.

ScottishInSwitzerland · 20/07/2018 10:01

I think that sounds a lovely arrangement. How wonderful that your DH can take a career break.
I agree with the poster upthread who suggested you say ‘but baby will have a stay at home parent. Why would they need two?’

But you will probably just have to do a lot of smiling, nodding and ignoring. About this and probably every other parenting choice you make.

fiorentina · 20/07/2018 10:04

Seriously just ignore comments and any unwanted pregnancy/child rearing advice. You will get lots but you are making the best choices for your family. I have been the main breadwinner, not entirely by choice, but it’s worked well, DC are happy and we have a better lifestyle because I earn more.

Rockyrockcake · 20/07/2018 10:05

People will get bored if you just say the same thing over and over again. “It works for us”. Don’t say anything else, no explanations are required.

Both my sons do the majority of child care because of the nature of their jobs and their partners’ careers. In one case the Grandad does a good share of childcare too. It amazes me that people still assume the SAHP should be female.

Original poster
twiglet · 20/07/2018 10:06

@twosecs I struggle with MIL silently. If she has an opinion then she must be right I try to ignore most of them. we live 500 miles away so it's not too often I have to deal with it.
Examples have included telling us our wedding plans were completely inappropriate (we had a barn wedding), telling me my gluten allergy was in my head despite years of Dr's, I was an alcoholic because I had a single gnt with a lunch meal when we were visiting (she had wine) apparently spirits make you an alcoholic, my favourite women's brains aren't cut out for science that's why there are so few (I do science) The list can go on and on.

Hence I try not to engage in it most of the time. I get on brilliantly with my FIL though!

OP posts:
Dreamingofkfc · 20/07/2018 10:08

I went back full time. Our prob was we were both full time and my commute is long. I will be going back this time part time. Just do it, don't involve your MIL. I find that my MIL is a bit surprised at how hands on my partner is, purely because my FIL worked long hours and she had no help at all! Sounds like you've thought about it and as long are both happy, it'll work fine!

Bowlofbabelfish · 20/07/2018 10:08

I know several people who have done this. It’s worked fantastically for all of them. One rally positive outcome is the fact that the child gets the input of both of you. The other positive is that you will not end up in a situation where your other half has no idea how hard it is to look after a child and ends up being disengaged and useless.

I’d be telling MIL that you’ll deal with it when the time comes - don’t tell anyone who doesn’t need to know your plans! One thing that’s universal in parenting: everyone else has an opinion and a mother’s place is in the wrong

Babdoc · 20/07/2018 10:08

It’s nobody’s business but yours and your DH’s, how you arrange your childcare. It amazes me that people feel entitled to make judgmental comments, or think that their way is the only way.
I worked full time as my DH died when my two DDs were babies. They’ve grown up into healthy happy adults with good jobs, and say that they had very happy childhoods. We have an excellent relationship and they confide in me readily.
I used a variety of childcare - a childminder briefly while DH was alive, then day nannies when they were still small, then out of school clubs for school holidays. There were no problems with any of them.
I would have gone mad, stuck at home all day with my grief, not seeing any other adults, and trying to survive on meagre benefit payments. I much preferred earning a living as a hospital doctor and parenting my kids for weekends and evenings.
Good luck with your arrangements, OP. I’m sure it will be fine, and you and your DH will soon settle into a happy routine with the baby.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/07/2018 10:11

Don't engage. Just keep saying it works for you and change the subject.

However if you have family members who think you should be in the kitchen with a pinny whilst The Man goes and does Manly stuff every day you will have this for years, not weeks.
Also be prepared for endless litanies of what a saint DH is for doing basic household tasks which would be taken for granted if done by a SAHM.

The only thing you can do is develop a very thick skin and do what is right for you and DH.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 20/07/2018 10:12

No advice on how to deal with people but I think it's good to set a positive example to your child(ren) that women can have a career and dads cab be equal and main caregivers. Also lots of people put their children in full time childcare from earlier on and they are fine - your child is going to be with its other parent! It will all be fine. I think if I got any comments I'd reply saying they are at home with their other parent - would you be asking me that if I was a man? We shared our paternity leave 10 months and 2 and worked out really well - I'm always surprised at the low take up

YodelOdel · 20/07/2018 10:13

I think this pretty much sums it up really. If you have a vagina people feel the need to comment on your life.

SharpLily · 20/07/2018 10:15

"This is what works for us. We are happy with our decision." On repeat, endlessly.

If anyone chooses to really push harder, return the head tilt and ask if they realise how misogynistic their attitude is.

CointreauVersial · 20/07/2018 10:16

Oh goodness, the woman sounds like an opinionated loon. Don't give her another thought. Just close it down.
"That's what (DH) and I have decided works best for our family."
"Times have changed - I'm so glad I will be able to raise a family without sacrificing my career."
"(DH) is so looking forward to being a full-time parent for a while."
"Thank you for your opinions, but we're doing things how we want to."

French2019 · 20/07/2018 10:18

If MIL comments again, I would just raise an eyebrow and ask, "is there any particular reason why you're concerned about your son's ability to look after his child?"

If others comment, I'd just tell them that you've chosen the arrangement that works best for your family. End of discussion.

I've always earned much more than DH, and he took some time off as a SAHP after I went back from maternity leave. Ultimately, having a SAHP turned out not to be the optimal arrangement for us, and we decided that it would be better for both of us to work more flexibly, but we reached that conclusion for ourselves. It's not for anyone else to dictate what's best for your family!

OrgyOfBarminess · 20/07/2018 10:19

I reckon your DH will end up snapping at her in the end tbh, there's no need for you to explain yourself in terms of how much your earning.

I'd love to do this with my DH, we're about to have our second child but he is the main earner. I think it's just hard to change some people's opinion on childcare. I've already had the 'are you going back to work' questions and opinions, you can't do right for wrong 🙄

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/07/2018 10:21

Can you just say "It makes financial sense for me to go back full-time and DH is glad he will get to spend lots of time with the baby so it works for us."

Perhaps MIL doesn't realise what a large discrepancy there is between your earnings. It's not her business of course but pointing it out will stop her commenting.