Hurt & depressed about texting another girl AIBU?

[HLHV]

I am stuck in a pitt of depression that I can’t seem to lift long enough to focus on moving forward in any way from this..

My fiancé (father to our children) has been texting another girl from work on and off for a couple of months. She is a very complicated person and attention seeking often messaging him all her issues with her ex boyfriend and how depressed she is and what she might do etc etc.. he has been there for her and been messaging her back with his issues about OUR relationship, ones that he doesn’t talk to me about and she even made comments to him referring to him telling her we sleep in seperate bedrooms (WE DONT) and how unhappy he is in the relationship and that I wouldn’t even care if he went home with another girl one night (I WOULD). The messages at the start were friendly, and then they crossed the point of sexual for about a week, and then went back to just friendly again.. just as I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child!!!

I don’t know if he stopped speaking to her like that because I’m pregnant or because he realized it was wrong, BUT he still carried on talking to her every now and then even though he knew I wouldn’t like it. He also deletes all the messages they ever send each other and had her conversation on mute so that I didn’t see it appear on his phone.

She is young, no children, goes out with people from their work, gives him all the attention he was craving. she is bisexual and mentioned to him about being interested in women at the moment although she said often how she wanted her ex boyfriend back anyway. I don’t believe he loves her and nothing physical happened, but they did keep arranging to meet up late at night but she told me she kept cancelling on him. He says he cancelled on her.

The way he spoke to her turned my stomach, the betrayal has almost killed me and I can’t concerntrate on anything other than this. He spoke to her about how he wanted to sleep with her previously and even when I found out about all this he messaged her that morning saying how I knew everything and he shouldn’t have said it in the first place to her, but still added in the comments “it’s not my fault I wanted to sleep with you” and “I’m getting all this Abuse off her for nothing we never even did anything I didn’t at least even get a shag out of it or a new girlfriend” to which she started flirting back, this was when I already found out!!!

He has told her he won’t speak to her again and she has said she’s not speaking to him again because she doesn’t want to cause trouble between us and our family.

They still work together and I’m petrified every time he goes to work that they’re laughing behind my back. Even if nothing else is going on the friendship makes me feel sick and betrayed like I wasn’t enough.

He blames the ego boost and the attention and the fact that she was responding back flirting and he said she at first drew him in with her depression, but now I’m left with the depression and it feels unbearable.

We have a home and soon to be 3 children, he hasn’t spoken to her all week now as far as I am aware, but it still worries me that as soon as we hit a bad spell that she’ll be back on the cards.

I also am now very paranoid about him going to the pub with his friends because it turned out sometimes she’d be there and that he insisted on walking her home one night. Also I saw texts when I had been asking him to come home because I was unwell and he was saying no to me Because he couldn’t get a taxi but then to her telling her to get a taxi into town to meet him and that he’d pay.

There’s so many different parts to their conversations I don’t understand them myself, but the gist of it is they were friends that flirted and were there for each other but he also wanted it to be sexual at a time and she was willing but they never went through with it. He said to her that he stopped speaking to her because he didn’t want to feel feelings that he shouldn’t because I was pregnant, does that mean he has feelings for her? Or was just worried because he could feel the possibility they would develop??

Help me

It sounds like he is cheating on you.

You deserve better.

Please don’t put up with this shit.

You deserve better.

He is taking the piss out of you.

You deserve better.

Realistically, could you afford to leave?

Sorry you're going through this. I agree with Mission. Sounds like hes cheating on you even if he hasn't done anything yet he does seem like he wants to sleep with this women and it would only be a matter of time before he decides to act upon it. Maybe he just not doing anything at the moment because of the kids 🤷‍♀️ he sounds like low life and he obviously doesn't deserve you. Xx

How long has he been your fiancé for? He sounds like an absolute scumbag carrying on like that when you are supposed to be getting married and already have children together.

How did you find out about all of the messages? What did he say when you initially confronted him?

The thing that gets me in these situations is that the cheating person is ever so sorry and will change their ways... but only once they have been confronted about it. It makes me wonder if nothing was ever said, what would happen?

If I was you I’d think realistically what would happen if you left him? What would happen with your children? Your home? I would never advocate staying with someone who cheats purely for financial reasons but I do think you need to figure out how things would work if you sso choose to leave him.

If you don’t, can you trust him again? If you can’t trust him, can you be happy?

So sorry you’re going through this OP

My first ever LTB he won’t change, he won’t stop talking to her. Why would he, he got away with pushing the boundaries every time you found out something new. You are worth more than this

You'd be better off without him. He sounds awful
He is either cheating or wants to. His behaviour is completely inappropriate.
You are just going to have years of misery with this knobhead.

What steps would you need to take to leave him?

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Whether or not they have physically crossed any boundaries, they've still crossed plenty of other boundaries, which I would still see as constituting being cheated on and betrayed.

This girl sounds dangerous, and it's people like her who let down the sisterhood of us females! She's no kids, no responsibilities, but your Husband has.

I think, for now at least, there is so much going on that you need to concentrate on yourself, and your beautiful children, and the baby that is on the way. Yes, it's tempting to throw all caution to the wind, but the reality can sometimes be very different.

I would definitely lay it out straight to your Husband in so far as what he's done is totally unacceptable and you feel betrayed and hurt, however, I think all things considered, it would be difficult to make any permanent decisions just now, there's too much going on, and everything is going to wind up sliding onto your plate.

Concentrate on building up your support network, do you have family or friends near to you to help you, practically, and emotionally? Is there someone close to you that you can confide in? Build up your support network the best that you can, and then you can take things forward in whichever way you choose at a future date.

Dont let any blame be apportioned to yourself, and don't blame yourself either, if you knew all this was going to happen before it did, you'd never know how you'd cope, but you can, and you will, get through this.

Sending positive vibes, be strong.

Why on earth are you putting up with this?

sorry - it sounds he is cheating or is about to cheat on you. Why are you with him? What are his redeeming qualities?

All of this sounds unforgivable frankly. I can’t imagine staying with someone who spoke about me like that.

Do you want to stay with him? I don’t think I could. Do you have support irl?

Thanks for all of your input, I agree this behavior is 100000% unacceptable to me but this is the only occasion in our relationship that anything like this has ever happened, he’s never even looked at another woman inappropriately he has always been completely loyal to me.

I am worried that I will struggle to get over this and that there will be so much damage caused in the process of trying, but it’s a lot to throw away after happy years together, having children, buying a home together and especially having one on the way. I don’t think I would be able to cope with a new born, our youngest will only be 18 months by my due date and 6 year old.

I’m not suggesting we stay together because of the children, I love him and I want it to work, but am I missing something? Is this girl just a time passer distraction from the monotony of family life and stale bickering or is it specifically her he wants? Does he have feelings for her? Will she be an obstacle in our relationship?

I know I need to ask him these questions but I admit I am a very emotionally demanding person at times of crisis, I want him to tell me 24/7 that everything is okay and he loves me but I know that isn’t reasonable and so I’m trying to vent to save myself the bitter wife role at least some of the time.

Also to clarify, I only found out about this last week, he hasn’t spoken to her since the day that I confronted him about it, when he kept talking to her as a friend that was still before I had found out.

He says he is committed to me, that nothing would ever have happened, he admitted he’d never had have the balls to go ahead with it and deep down he didn’t want to meet her he just liked the attention that he could. This all still hurts me deeply; but is this salvageable?

He’s agreed to go to couples counselling, something I’ve believed we’ve needed for a while anyway to work on our communication.

And I totally agree with the sisterhood comment she is a decietful immature little cow and she’s thoroughly enjoyed being the object of his affections!!!

On speaking to her initially she was very sarcastic and answered back with “it’s your relationship that’s a mess not my problem” and after a more connected conversation she apologized whole heartedly, couldn’t believe she’d been so stupid and couldn’t believe she’s managed to break up a family almost in just “harmless flirting” that she thought she was having

"he’s never even looked at another woman inappropriately he has always been completely loyal to me."

No, love. Don't be an idiot. This is just the first one you've found out about.

As for sisterhood. Wow. Are we all 14? Your partner is a dick, she is a dick, but she doesn't owe you anything or any kind of loyalty just because you both have a vagina. Can we stop with that bullshit please.

I think you need to aim your anger at your partner. He is the one who has deceived you and broke your trust.

Men always minimize things when caught.

He is making you feel like shit, he is supposed to love you.

He has lied to you and decieved you and your children and whilst YOU ARE PREGNANT.

He is nagging to meet her and pursuing her.

He can't really get any lower can he? Willing to pay for her cab for a quick shag yet not pay to come home to his family.

Does that sound like a loyal and decent guy?

It will happen again, if he has done this once he will do it again. You will never trust him again.

Yes is will hurt a LOT to have him leave, but it will hurt more to constantly have to check his phone, worry where he is when he is late home. Stuff like that takes its toll and leaves scars.

Ditch him. If he wants to make it up to you and prove how much he loves you then now is his chance isn't it?

You say he has not spoken to her since you found out but you also said he deletes all the messages so which one is it? What about the 8 hour days in work that he spends with her?

Be strong, throw the fucker out and make HIM work at salvaging things

I am not an idiot, but thanks for the “support”. He hasn’t ever cheated on me we go on each other’s phones all the time I just hadn’t been on his new phone since he’d had it and that’s when this has taken place in the last 7 weeks. and he’s never had anything suspicious or to be concerned about regarding any other female in all our years. He deleted all her messages up to that point, except from the day I found out, they are all still on there (which he obviously wouldn’t have wanted me to see anyway because like I said before about what they said) but no new ones are. Also if you delete certain messages on an iPhone without deleting the whole conversation, it would still be up with the date that messages were exchanged, so I would know if he had only deleted any further ones.

ANYWAY
The sexual messages were before we knew I was pregnant, he hasn’t messaged her inappropriately since finding that out. BUT he did continue to message her in a friendly way, which I am hurt by.

I personally think that he was attracted to her, she drew him in, and he acted like a complete idiot. He tried to put it behind him only speaking to her about friendly topics such as her ex boyfriend and her moods etc, but this is still way too far over the line.

Also yes I absolutely HATE that they will continue to see her at work, but it is shift work and they are not constantly going to be working together and he’s off for 2 weeks after this weekend, then 4 weeks in again and then he is being transferred temporarily while they have a refurb to a different store than her and that will be for over 10 weeks, she is then going traveling three weeks later and will have to hand her notice in as they won’t keep her job open to go traveling..

Why would you even consider staying with this man?

You’re in denial op.

And I totally agree with the sisterhood comment she is a decietful immature little cow and she’s thoroughly enjoyed being the object of his affections!!!

I was sympathetic to you initially but this is just plain nasty. If she's single she can do what she likes, it's your deceitful twat of a partner that is the issue here. And I don't care if people say it's too late because you are already pregnant but I despair of posts like this, bringing innocent children into a mess of a relationship. You have a choice to stay with him if you're a complete fool but children don't.

This is shit OP. I'm so sorry. You sound like you're in so much pain and rightly so.
I don't know what anyone can say on here to take that pain away. And you are pregnant which makes it doubly difficult.

Them working together would do anyone's head in.

Can you get some support from family and friends? Because you sound like you really need it.

Hugs xx

You're in a horrible situation OP. & pregnant now so you must feel even more vulnerable.

But this situation will drive you round the bend if you stay. What are you going to do, stay there watching and waiting and snooping? You already know he's after her, they talk, including talking about you. & they work together. You've nothing left to "discover".

As hard as it is, you need to pick your dignity up from the floor and stand up for yourself. Your man is shockingly disrespectful. He's not worth having around he will just disrupt your life.

You don't need couples counseling - you need solo counselling to help you make life decisions.

Don't make the mistake of thinking couples counselling is a space for you to bring up the situation with your man and this woman, then you 2 will argue it back and forward, counsellor will take your side then suddenly things will be fine. It won't work like that.

In your shoes I'd have asked him to leave. He'd likely come crawling back as its no fun when reality hits is it? Nothing to say she'd be waiting with open arms. I'd not want him back; too disloyal for my tastes.

You're with a man who makes you feel depressed - your fiancé you say, do you've plans to marry. He's not the one for you and I don't think he'll marry you either.

Don't let 1 man in this world blight your life.

I have been through a similar thing. My dh started speaking to a woman at work, she had 2 kids and a partner, he has me and Ds. They would talk about how miserable they were and it crossed over into him telling her he was dreaming about her in a sexual way. I lost it, and asked him to chose, and he said he wouldnt because she wasn't the problem, I was. Eventually I got him to understand how much it hurt and he stopped. Then he got made redundant and lost contact with her. Recently (3 years later) he bumped into her and they swapped numbers again. And the other night, he refused to kiss me, turned over and I saw him texting her. All of those feelings came flooding back, the anger, the hurt. And I realised it never really went away. I think my life would have been less difficult if I had left at the beginning when it first happened, because I wouldn't have spent 3 years trying to improve myself for a cheat. Xx

I admit I am a very emotionally demanding person at times of crisis, I want him to tell me 24/7 that everything is okay and he loves me but I know that isn’t reasonable

You behave that way because of how he treats you. If you were in a healthy relationship you would feel secure and you wouldn't need that level of reassurance.

He will cheat on you if he hasn't already. I'm sorry.

@mumky2013
So sorry to read that. It must hurt so much. Are you still together? To put the same question I did to the OP to you: realistically, could you afford to leave? Do you want to?

She was single but she fully knew he was in a long term committed relationship with children and she played along with the deleting messages and this all being behind my back.. so while yes she was single; she was deceitful in doing all this and then serving me in their store smiling at me and our children.. I don’t have to justify myself for being angry with her as well, I have enough anger to burn through them both it doesn’t mean he’s got off any lighter..

And the comment about bringing children into this, he is a good father, I am a good mother, we both work hard, provide a loving home, all the necessities and they are emotionally well cared for. The extra child is not a concern of mine, and at worse to worse I would be a single parent fine.

The issue is my heartbroken feeling and whether I can deal with this