Families that don’t talk about anything important?

[SoShinySoChrome]

E.g. Grandma died in 2000. In 2002 there’s a Christmas card with a baby on it.
‘Oh, that’s your uncle. Your grandad remarried last year and that’s the baby’. In the monthly calls it was never mentioned, nothing about a wedding or estrangement.’

Another example: anything about periods or sex is for school to teach.

No advice shared about being an adult, finances or anything. Just platitudes but no depth of interaction.

Has anyone had a family like this THAT IMPROVED CONNECTION AND COMMUNICATION and if so, how was that achieved?

Are you the mum in this situation?

You can easily fix the sex and periods bit?

I have two friends with older daughters (ones 9 and one 10) and both are too embrasser to tell their daughters about periods.

I mean. Wtf?!

My 5 and 7 year olds know more than their almost pubescent girls!

Sorry if it is not clear. I was the child not told about periods etc.

I try and be open with my dc but relationships with my family of origin is artificial.

If you are the child you can't fix the adults, all you can do is build a healthier family with your own children.

I came from a family like this: my mum didn't tell me about periods until I was 16 and had been buying my own tampax out of my pocket money for three years (and then only because I had such excruciating period pain I was screaming.) I wasn't told my grandmother had died for a full week after the event.

As someone else said, you can't fix the adults, all you can do is make sure you don't do it to your own kids. It is fantastically damaging and has left me with a legacy of feeling I don't have a "right" to have a position or a view on any of the really important things in life (love/sex/death/money/happiness), because it was seen as unseemly to talk about them when I was a child.

I find it harder than you might expect to talk about this with my DD though: I am determined not to be like my mum but I do find the thought of talking about sex with her difficult. It hasn't directly come up yet but I really want to be prepared and rehearse it in my head.

Any ideas for dealing with this gratefully received.

My DM was reticent on the details about periods. I think it was just a throwaway comment when I was around 11, 'you'll be starting your periods soon.' I was embarrassed and just shrugged it off and the only other time it was referred to was when I actually started. I hope not to be so buttoned up with DD but think she will squirm at the conversation too.

My husband's family!

Things have improved but it's still painful and awful and hard work and if it was up to me I'd never contact them again.

We had a huge fall out 3 years ago and they refused to talk to DH (we lived 4,000 miles away) so after 10 months DH turned up on their doorstep and talked at them.

He is very open with them and talks at them a lot. We, as our family, talk to each other and our children openly. They often look awkward and don't respond and have on a couple of occasions said not to talk about xyz but DH says "these are our children and we'll talk to them about death/willies/poo/divorce"..

It's rubbing off because they have started talking more and asking relevant questions.

My family are the opposite and any topic is fair game. We're probably a bit too open with each other.

It means that I find suppressing my natural desire to overshare exhausting.

Mayor, it’s good that there has been some improvement.

Picachoo that was my family identically. I have not been at all like that with my own children.

My family are like this. There have been some real serious issues in my past, all basically get brushed under the carpet. I was pretty fucked up mentally as a teen as a result of my past, no one ever thought to get me help. I had to do it all myself. I've mentioned as an adult some struggles I've had and they have said they aren't surprised with my past! Why the hell didn't they ever address it at the time. Very typical of how everything is dealt with. I was self harming as a teen and when I told a relativd (it was a total cry for help), she said I shouldn't do that and it was never mentioned again. Periods and sex were never ever mentioned. It would be whispered, did I need any more, and a pack of pads would appear for me. That was it.

I am very open with my DCs and if they ask me anything, I will answer. I don't try and hide stuff from them and I rarely give the 'because I said so' as I found this so frustrating as a child. No one would ever explain why or give a reason, it was always because they said so.

I've brought certain things up now and I do feel there are a lot of things I can talk about but there are some areas I just wouldn't. I was diagnosed with aspergers last year and I'd never dream of telling anyone in my family, they would never understand or get it.

An example.

One day when I was about 15 I took a shortcut home through a field and was absolutely covered in brambles. In my hair, everything (obviously I didn’t take that shortcut again)

A few years ago my mum casually mentioned ‘remember that time you were covered in brambles, I thought maybe you had been attacked and raped’ I said no! And she was like oh, ok.

Which meant that at the time she just decided to ignore it. And all these years keep ignoring .

Wtf.

My family are like this too OP.

Talk about shit, not the serious stuff,

My only sex education from my mother was " It will be awful and you will hate it, but you have to do it to keep your husband"

Thankfully I have raised two children in an atmosphere of honesty and trust- so have broken the cycle.

Another example: anything about periods or sex is for school to teach.
No advice shared about being an adult, finances or anything. Just platitudes but no depth of interaction.

This is EXACT experience! I’ve had to learn everything myself, I used to ‘borrow’ tampons from my friends at school, and nick my mums and sisters because I felt I couldn’t ask for them at home! As a result, as an adult I ALWAYS have an abundance of sanitary products at all times, as I used to genuinely ration them when I was young - I hated that feeling. The current period poverty has really hit home, even though my family didn’t have difficult circumstances.

I also had/have terrible financial since, I didn’t understand APR until I was in 20’s! (They didn’t teach it school when I went, and I did arts and humanities at a level). I could cook and clean though!

As a result, I don’t talk about anything ‘real’ to my mother, I’m not sure I’ve the energy or mental strength after all this time. I assume it’s how she prefers it! I am aware and going to ensure I am NOT like this with my own DD, how could I be?

I did think I’d leave periods and sex until 7/8 - should I start at 5?

I'm from a family who keep secrets.

As a result I don't bother telling them much about my life. My sister and I are close and quite candid with each other though.

CurlyTwirlyTwos I was the same- I used rolled up toilet paper as pads because talk of sex and periods was off limits at home.

As a result I keep my teenage daughter's cupboard jam packed with sanpro- it never runs out.

My kids new about periods right from the age they could walk. ( boy and a girl) even as one year olds.
They would usually toddle into the toilet with me, I used pads deliberately in case they watched and I thought watching me changing a tampon was a step too far for a toddler. They would watch me change pads, see the blood, ask questions. I would keep it light " no it doesn't hurt, all big women and mummies have this, it means you can have a baby". By the time they were 3 or 4 seeing a bloody towel was normal to them and no big deal.
Menstruation held no fear or mystery for my kids, they simply accepted it as a normal every day thing.
As they grew and my DD started her periods there was a very casual approach to that too.
We can talk openly, she asked about tampons, I was able to buy her a few different varieties to try, she tells me what she prefers, I stick them in her cupboard.

Is this a generation thing though?

I know lots of my friends 40/50 were brought up like this but none of us have been like that with our own kids.

My family was very religious (Christian). I think it’s more to do with repression from that.

My mum was like this.
Her stock answer to everything was 'I'll tell you when you are older.'
The thought of starting my periods terrified as I only knew rumours which my cousin had told me.
I made sure my dd knew where babies came from and all about periods as I never wanted her to feel The way I had.
My mother never told me anything about sex and sex education at school was limited.
It wasn't great growing up. Both my first boyfriend and I thought you couldn't get pregnant at certain times of the month. I should have been told the facts.

I too never discussed anything 'real' with my mother and never felt close to her.
Now with dd I have expressed my opinion of not tolerating bad behaviour from a partner, under any circumstances. I think she is glad she can speak to me.

As the only person to have the balls to call family members on their shitty behaviour I now have very little to do with the wider family. They were horrified and my name is mud. Ah well.

My family are exactly like this. My mum didn't tell me about periods and I also did the rolled up toilet roll thing and used to steal money from her purse for pads.

My brother was at university when my parents split up and it was my (now) step dad who told him by accident. My mum also didn't tell me she was getting remarried abroad. She knew I was booking tickets to go travelling at the same time but couldn't tell me until after I booked, cost a fortune to sort out.

I don't tell them anything in return, to be fair I doubt they'd be interested

speakout Exactly the same here.

For those who feel awkward about having ‘the chat’, hopefully it helps to know that 9 times out of 10, little children will naturally ask questions about things they see (and with no embarrassment at that age!) so my DCs have known about periods since they came into the loo with me when they were toddlers. Obviously you have to adapt the information according to their ability to comprehend it (and how much they actually need to know at each stage).

I can’t think of anything worse (for parent or child) than having to have a big sit-down discussion where they have to hear all of it at once. Far better to just answer the questions as they come up.

My DD is far less embarrassed about her periods than I ever was. She’ll quite happily talk about cramps in front of her brother and dad, and even initiated a conversation with her grandad about periods. I did point out to her later that some older people may be uncomfortable talking about such things, but my FIL is pretty cool for a 70-something so wasn’t shocked.

I can relate to this a bit. I think times have changed though and it's an older generation thing where certain subjects were taboo, crass, disgusting. Parents grew up with more shame and lack of knowledge.

It's different now.. look how many of us talk about periods in great detail, sex, infidelity, masturbation etc. Being gay is accepted. Child abuse is out in the open. Kids are prioritised now and their opinions matter. Rape is discussed and rightly seen as 100% wrong. Paedophilia is well known and tackled. Abortions are normal and out in the open. It's now normal to be unwed with kids. No subject is taboo now. People speak freely so less chance of having to sweep things under the carpet.
I talk about everything with anyone these days and will do the same with my kids.

We are the opposite (psychiatrist father , mother into psychology - teacher etc) so sometimes find other families and their conversations incredibly boring actually! I remember our father telling us all kinds of interesting stuff - about nuns menstruating at the same time in convents sometimes, Freud,Jung and all sorts. Then you go into another family's home and they are talking about what's for tea! How do they survive the boredom of it all?

Emotional stuff is tight lipped too.

My mother has never told me that she loves me- crying in front of each other is totally off limits.
Even when my father died- no displays of emotion.

My family aren’t religious but are very avoidant of talking about anything of great significance. I grew up knowing very little about sex and relationships and ended up in some difficult situations. Glad that other posters are more open with their DC.