Families that don’t talk about anything important?

[SoShinySoChrome]

E.g. Grandma died in 2000. In 2002 there’s a Christmas card with a baby on it.
‘Oh, that’s your uncle. Your grandad remarried last year and that’s the baby’. In the monthly calls it was never mentioned, nothing about a wedding or estrangement.’

Another example: anything about periods or sex is for school to teach.

No advice shared about being an adult, finances or anything. Just platitudes but no depth of interaction.

Has anyone had a family like this THAT IMPROVED CONNECTION AND COMMUNICATION and if so, how was that achieved?

Coming from an area with an unofficial motto of 'whatever you say, say nothing' in general society, saying nothing in families was/is? common.

I was determined not to let that happen wth my DS and we have chatted/discussed/laughed/ranted on any & every subject.

It's only been recently that I've realised that I've kept quiet about something I shouldn't have had to because I've been waiting on the other person to talk.

Generational & societal 'norms' can be hard to overcome. I'm glad my DS & his mates can talk more candidly, especially as it seems I and others of my generation can still struggle on important stuff between ourselves.

I’ve a family pattern of early starters with periods - not abnormally early, but around 11th birthday. DD1 ended up getting hers around the same age but I discussed it casually on and off for for a few years before and answered any questions as tbey came up. When I was pretty sure it was close o showed her how to put pads on and made sure she had spare knickers and pads in her school bag (hidden inside a pencil case). When it came she was completely unperturbed and she can be a bit dramatic.

If you’re pragmatic and matter of fact they will be too.

My DDs used to come home from school and ask me technical details their friends wanted to know, about periods, sex etc. As I’m a doctor and feminist, we’d always been very matter of fact and open in discussions at home. My autistic DD was hugely popular with the young teen girls in her school class for a few weeks, as she’d given them an earnest and factual “tutorial” on the role of the clitoris in female orgasm, and they’d all then benefited from achieving their first orgasm via masturbation! DD got used to receiving high fives from one girl after another on arriving at school for several mornings!
In later years, my DDs’ boyfriends were quite surprised at the frank chat round the dinner table, which they weren’t used to at home, but they all said they found it lovely and often confided in me themselves over medical worries etc.
I’ve always respected my DDs’ privacy, but would always give an honest, age appropriate, answer to any questions, and prepared them for puberty and so on.

Husband's family. Conversation never processes further than empty platitudes. MIL finds it almost physically impossible to convey any information, she'll phone you with a spurious reason then umm and ahh for ages until finally admitting that Uncle XYZ has died, or that they have sold their house at last.

One of DH's relatives tried to commit suicide and another was in a horribly abusive relationship. Both times my in-laws completely shut down and refused to engage with the problem despite being directly asked for help.

It's like they just cannot cope with life and live in a very small, trapped world. Sad really.

I too come from a family like this. All my efforts to talk and share just ended up in sulks and even outright tantrums (theirs). Eventually I learned to adjust my expectations of their behaviour, and now I'm rarely disappointed. I guess I'm trying to say that you can't 'fix' other people, what you can do though is accept the situation for what it is and deal accordingly. And ensure it stops with you.

I feel for you OP. I was brought up with a father away working most of the time. My mother's approach to children was feed, clothe, job done. Nothing else, no affection, no life skills, no guidance, nothing like sex or periods or boys ever talked about, and any show of emotion frowned upon. From age 5 I was on my own. Its made me really self sufficient but I just felt so alone. You can't change people if that's their MO. You just make sure you don't repeat their mistake. I did try to get better communication and open-ness with my mother after my Dad passed. It didn't go well. Total denial that there was any issue, then when I stood my ground, hysterical screeching (puce face, bulging veins, clenched fists) that I'd ruined her life. I'd obviously touched a nerve. Afterwards she wanted to do her usual pretend it never happened. I couldn't.

So many of these stories highlight that some people just shouldn't have been parents.

Mine are the same. I remember the only thing my mom said to me about periods was “you know what happens when you get older don’t you”, I was about 8 and had no idea but there was no elaboration. I was rarely hugged, don’t remember ever being told I was loved or that they thought I was beautiful (very much the opposite in fact).
I make sure my kids know they can talk to me about anything and we are very open with them. My daughter is nearly 4 and sees me changing my sanitary pads and asks questions, I tell her how much I love her all the time, I kiss and hug her as much as I can - it’s so important. I also explain to her when I tell her to do something or tell her off about something rather than just “because”, I agree with a previous poster that was really frustrating to me as a child too - also the “when you’re older” like I was too stupid to understand anything.

Me and DH brought up in totally different cultures, but the same scenario as far as openness goes. Thinking about it, I think he would have been similar with our kids if I wasn’t there pushing for everything to be on the table and up for discussion. He wouldn’t have not been affectionate and loving, but I don’t think they’d know what happens when you die, how babies are made, why ‘we’ colonised so many countries, what slavery was and still very much is, that WWII wasn’t some kind of sweet and jolly time in British history, I think without me pushing for transparency and honesty, he would have reverted back to the way he was raised. I can’t remember my mum ever reading to me, or telling me she loved me, and as PP have said - the worst is the not talking about periods! How ridiculous that everyone is terrified of talking about a normal human bodily function. In addition, when I had children my mum would try and put me off of breastfeeding as it was “gross”. I’ve put aside my feelings about the way my mum was as a child, as when I’ve tried to address it directly she goes nuts. All I can do is go forward with my own children and make sure that they know they can talk to me about anything at all. The only think I could say is that my mum turning a blind eye to pretty much my entire childhood has made me resourceful and resilient, so sometimes I wonder if by having answers to everything I could be taking away those skills from my children. As Pp have also said, I have cupboards full of pads and tampons, and always tonnes of food as I was expected to make my own dinner from about 9, but my mum hardly ever went shopping as she has never liked breakfast, had her lunch and dinner at work! Yes she could afford food. I can’t stand the idea of the food being close to running out, and do a lot of batch cooking too, just in case!

In school it’s evident that many children are brought up in families where there is no meaningful conversation whatsoever. The children are cared for and loved but the only significant discussions they have about the world are outside the home, in school mostly. It’s very sad.

My DH's family are so buttoned up it's painful but happy to gossip away for hours. No meaningful conversations about politics, religion, feelings. Anything uncomfortable gets brushed over. I remember back in the day when you flushed tampons his DF returned from the bathroom in a rage 'what is that thing in the toilet?!!!!' His young sis had flushed a tampon and was mortified, DM fussed around him to calm him and I sat aghast at the complete bonkers situation!!!

My family would talk about family, politics, religion, but anything regarding sex or periods were never discussed, just assumed that somehow we would learn.

I learned about periods because I had to share my room with my aunt for a few weeks. I found a pack of tampons poorly hidden and wondering what it was, read the instruction leaflet.
It is also I who told my younger sister and brothers about periods.

Things have changed somewhat since my mother remarried, I have another sister, and my step-father was very excited and proud to tell me when she had her first periods.

Picachoo describes my dm and DS.

Our family can’t do confrontation, so things were brushed under the carpet.

I was talking to a friend from uni last week. We were talking how we made the devesions about wher3 to go, applying ourselves. Now parents are very much involved. We think we were much more independent then teens today. Times have changed.

I think the period stuff was very common 40 or so years ago. My dd was told gradually from the young age. More than periods though what I found crippling was the lack of information on the hormone mood swings. So I have tried to drum into dd how the hormones may make her feel.

On other topics though lots of stuff discussed. Dh family. Wow.

16 years and it's shallow lunch like we have just met. Never ever any personal information asked or shared. One Xmas we were told grandad didn't come because he wasn't well.

I thought cold etc. He was dead the following week. I find it unsettling the way information comes out. It's also filtered by pils highly questionable filter.

Dh now has issues with sharing info. It's v frustrating. It's the only family I have ever come across across like this.

I find it hard to be open with people as I grew up secretive about feelings.

I find my family of origin like this too. if I bring up anything real I get shushed.

But they erode my boundaries and interrupt me and perceive my making up my own mind about something (as opposed to taking their advice) as drama.

It’s exhausting, isn’t it p00ka?