To be mad at DP for making these arrangements?!

[meganerk]

Genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not here so could do with opinions.

My DP has arranged for us to go to his Dad's on Sunday.

I was totally fine with us going but assumed it would just be a short visit. As in no more than an hour or two.

His Dad has texted DP and asked how long we are staying for and DP has responded that we will be there until about 3pm. (Arrive usually at 10am).

I'm kind of seriously annoyed. We visit his Dad every other Sunday. Sometimes we stay all day. Sometimes we go just for an hour or two.

However, I gave birth to our LO just under two weeks ago. I'm still sore and fragile and am currently only comfortable with doing very short trips out of the house.

If I'm honest I could have done with not visiting his Dad at all this weekend but agreed and said to DP 'Yes, it's fine as long as it's not all day.'

Maybe I should have been more specific when I said that. Would have been nice if DP had asked me though before responding to his Dad?

Just want to add his Dad has already seen our LO twice since I gave birth.

I breastfed both babies but I’m always a bit defensive of suggestions that bottle-feeding mothers can and would want to leave their newborns or have them removed for more than the shortest time. Breastfeeding may make it logistically impossible, but surely must mothers, irrespective of feeding method, share the instinctive need to be near their newborns and acute anxiety if separated for any length of time.

Did he push a baby out of his nether regions?? No?
Then he doesn't get to decide

I'm not bragging, but everyone seems to presume every woman who has a baby is still bleeding/leaking etc after 2 weeks which isn't the case.

I personally felt worse on the days i spent all day inside. I did much better getting out and about doing something every day.again not the same for every woman, but will be for some.

‘DP, I just shoved a human out of my twat. You don’t seem to realise this has significant physical impact so please shove this pineapple up your arse and then we can go hang out with my mum for 5 hours. Or, you could actually listen to the person who has just performed the fucking miracle of birth when she’s telling you that she doesn’t want to hang out with your dad when she’s caring for a brand new human and her fanny is bleeding and hurts. Sod. Off.’

Agree lightdrizzle . I was asked to go somewhere when ds was 3 months old, I said I wasn't really comfortable leaving him yet. The first thing said was 'but you're not breastfeeding anymore'. (I'd wanted to carry on but it hadn't worked out). It really pissed me off that people thought it absolutely fine me not leaving him if bf but I'd be happy to while ff.

What if it was the other way around? You’re still 2 was PP and you were going to your parents?

Why does everyone have to do everything together. DH and FIL have a very strong relationship that proceeds OP. Why can't he go over alone?

Both my DB's go see my dad with their wives, but most of the time they are alone. I go and stay with my dad on my own. My grown nephews go see their GP on their own. Why does the wife always have to go?

I'd say telling him to fuck off is the best option.

You're still sore and you told him this.

’DP, I just shoved a human out of my twat. You don’t seem to realise this has significant physical impact so please shove this pineapple up your arse and then we can go hang out with my mum for 5 hours. Or, you could actually listen to the person who has just performed the fucking miracle of birth when she’s telling you that she doesn’t want to hang out with your dad when she’s caring for a brand new human and her fanny is bleeding and hurts. Sod. Off.’

^^I second all of this!!

Don't you talk to your partner? I can't see why this needs a thread. If it happened to me, I'd just say "I don't want to go for that long with small baby" and he'd say "okay we'll change the plan" or "okay I'll go on my own".

Simple. Communication is a wonderful thing isn't it?

I like what Buggerofalo said

Imo you were ready to compromise and go for a short visit. Even that isn’t good enough so he can eff off.

Said I should feel comfortable enough to be and feel the same at his Dads as I do at home

Well you don't, and he doesn't get to tell you how you feel.
There's no way I'd go if I didn't want to. You don't have to have a crap day just so he doesn't get upset.

He started to get upset because you don't want to go to daddy's house with him? Christ, he sounds like a child. Be firm with him, say you really don't feel up to it and that's the end of it. Does he normally railroad you into doing things?

Pengggwn - if she’s bottkwvferding, no trouble,

Really not how I would have felt about it.

Oh I just saw you did communicate your feelings to him but he didn't care. In that case, my apologies, you are married to a dick.

Breastfeeding may make it logistically impossible, but surely must mothers, irrespective of feeding method, share the instinctive need to be near their newborns and acute anxiety if separated for any length of time.

Exactly this. Not a chance anyone would have been taking my brand new baby away for 6/7 hours two weeks after she was born. Flat and resounding no!

Oh I do wish people wouldn't go on about leaking!

OP- just say that you're not up for a long stay this week. Suggest that you either go for a quick visit, he goes on his own or his dad comes to you. This shouldn't be a big deal-if it is one of the 3 of you is either making unreasonable demands or not listening.

What Buggerofalo said.

You made the baby, you make the rules.

Maybe dp could go and pick up dfil and bring him to your house?

Then perhaps if you feel up for it the four of you could go out for a coffee or lunch, but on your terms. That way if you're at home you can play it all by ear.

Ff or bf doesn't matter. This is your world and your decision, especially with a post partum vagina and tiny human to deal with.

Yadddddnbu

In DP's defence he has been great so far. He has done all the cooking, has helped me keep the house clean, equally looks after LO, especially if I want to go for a bath, etc.

He's very kind and caring but has a tendency to want to please everyone. He really struggles with it. If he feels like he isn't keeping everyone happy he gets very down.

The thing is though, you can't keep everyone happy and you can't please everyone and throughout the years DP has attempted to do so it's usually me that ends up not pleased or happy through his attempts to keep everyone else happy.

Sometimes he just doesn't think either. Actually, a lot of the time. 😂

He also struggles to stray from routine. He visits his Dad every other Sunday and always has done, long before I came along. I have no problem with him doing this but he seems to get upset every time I don't want to go with him. This even predates us having our LO.

However, this time it's annoyed me because I'm so bloody sore and exhausted. My stitches are painful and damn itchy and it's his lack of understanding of just how I feel that's pissing me off.

My head could be hanging off and he'd probably still arrange to go to his Dads simply because he just doesn't think.

He's an idiot. You have just given birth. Of course you don't want to go and sit in someone else's house for 5 hours. Tell him you and baby are staying home this time, don't ask or discuss, tell him. Wth is wrong with some people (him I mean).

When I had DC1, DH had 2 weeks paternity, ILs wanted us to go for tea on his last evening, I really didn't want to as I was incredibly anxious and had a really bad tear so was sore as hell but nope, off we went because I needed to 'get out of the house'. Actually I didn't. I've never forgotten how shit I felt that evening.

I don't generally bother to go to MILs with him, she's his mum, he can visit, I have peace and quiet at home. He is quite capable of visiting his dad without having to drag you along.

DH was like this. Visited his mum (2hrs away) every third Sunday come rain come shine.

When DS1 was born we had to abide by this routine. DS had severe reflux. He screamed and threw up throughout the 4 hours in the car. Was very unsettled at MIL's and awful the following night.

After 6 months I put my foot down and refused point blank to go. MIL'had to take the scary train to come and see us. That first visit she said to me how nice it was to see DS smiling and happy. I said yes, he hasn't been throwing up for 2 hours like he usually does when he sees you.

Since then she's made a lot more effort to come over to us. I really regret not putting my foot down earlier.

amazingly grace but it is in fact different if she's going to her parents house (depending on relationship). I know for me my parents house still feels like a home to me despite me not living there for so long. My in-laws definitely doesn't and I wouldn't be comfortable there if I still felt fragile. That's like saying its not fair to have your own mum at the birth but not mil (I personally wouldn't have either). It is fair, most women are a lot more comfortable with their own parents then in-laws, its natural. Its a very different situation yes but the same feelings are at play.

LightDrizzle - I'm so glad someone said that. I didn't breastfeed my DD but there was no way I would be leaving her at 2 weeks old! The assumption that women who don't breastfeed are happier to leave their babies really annoys me. Yes, some women might want to have time to themselves and it is logistically easier for someone else to have them with a bottle but it doesn't mean woman should be more prepared to have time away from their baby.

Your DP sounds quite similar to mine. In support of a pp, I also physically felt fine at 2wks pp and bf was going well. I ended up going to endless visits to PIL and my parents, I didn't want to go but I'd get the 'but uncle Tom has come down from Sheffield especially to see the baby etc', DP felt bad at disappointing people and I ended up going and being stuck at other people's houses all day. Despite feeling fine I hated it, absolutely hated it with a passion. I'm pregnant again and there is absolutely no way this is happening again - I'm staying in the comfort of my own home and going out only when and where I want to. Quite frankly, I do not care if anyone else gets upset.

If you want to go and leave after an hour, then leave. Your DP can stay. If you aren't up for it, then spell it out clearly.