Husband blaming me for stuff our toddler does AIBU?

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Our 18 month old DS is a menace. He’s into everything, climbing, switches, buttons, dirt, mud, toothpaste, keys... you get the idea. I’ve had to nail everything down and toddler-proof as much of the house as I can. Turn the oven and the dishwasher off at the mains switch on the wall every time, to stop him fiddling with them, that kind of thing.

I’m a SAHM and have other children at home too. Toddler DS is by no means allowed to just roam freely around the house, but there are small windows of opportunity when I’m in the loo, or making lunch, or hanging out the washing, when I don’t have eyes on him the whole time.

He’s done minor damage to some of our furniture in the past and the other day, he scratched the shiny surface of a particular bit of furniture that DH especially likes and was quite expensive.

DH is blaming me for not being able to ‘control’ DS. DH maintains that the children never misbehave with him and that DS would never do something like that on ‘his watch’ because DS is scared of the bollocking he’d get from DH. I’ve argued with DH in the past about how harsh I think he is with the DCs. Wrenching their arms by frog marching them and smacking hands away too hard imo.

He thinks if I was as much of a disciplinarian as he is then DS wouldn’t fuck up furniture.

I think that the damage wasn’t that bad and that his sort of thing is par for the course when you have a boisterous 18 month old. Everyone knows you don’t have lovely, expensive things when you have small DCs for exactly this reason.

Now DH is all in a huff with me because he thinks I ‘let’ DS damage the furniture. I think he’s being an arse. AIBU?

Big tiggerish,oh well that’s ok then.lets overlook the shouting abuse he’s a tiger
He can’t manage his own kids without his mum intervention. How’s that work?
He thinks being a shouty, rough authoritarian means he’s doing discipline well . does he enact that in work, with other adults or just children he’s bigger than
Of all your comments shouty, rough authoritarian means you’ve normalised and internalised his over bearing bullying
He’s no tigger,and you’re back tracking

It doesn't matter if it's incongruous with who he is the rest of the time. In the fact the Jekyl and Hyde is possibly harder to live with because you don't know when mean Dad will come out.

He Wrenching their arms by frog marching them so physically hurting them and smacking hands away too hard so hurting them and bollocking them so scaring them. An 18 month old will not think "gosh, that behaviour is so uncharacteristically Daddy he can't possibly mean it"

No, no, I agree. He’s out of order. I don’t like it. But just so you don’t think I’m letting my children be abused I wanted to give a fuller picture.

Yes, the 18 month old is too little to think daddy’s an arse and ignore him ranting. But, the older ones are more likely to crack up at his shouting than be scared.

But I don’t like that he thinks he is running a successful authoritarian regime (even though he isn’t) and also that that’s what he wants.

Anyway, I know for sure now IANBU. I just wondered whether I’d get loads of posters going, ‘yes you’re responsible for your toddler, any damage on your watch is your fault!’

He's a knob. Ds2 was so destructive at that age, we had to dismantle our fireplace because he used to pull the pretend coals off and eat them /throw them, then pull the sharp shiny surround thing off too and fiddle with the gas knobs on it. So we took it all away and boarded it up until he got older! When I look back at photos now it looked hideous but we had no option really. Dd is 14 months and she's smashed so many cost by bashing them in the coffee table, she's broken one of my dh trophies. We are currently thinking about moving the TV because she pushes it on the stand. It's not your fault op. And he'll grow out of it. Your dh won't though, he'll always be a knob.

Cups not cost!

Bloody hell I'd much rather damage my furniture than my children by having them terrified in their own home.

Ah yes

Nothing to see here

A family we know, the dad has a booming voice and obvs thinks he’s brilliant fun. At my ds’s party last year his son punched my ds and another kid in the face, then legged it up to the top of the slide. His dad went and sat with him and was talking calmly to him and the kid was calming down, then without warning, the dad grabbed the boy and threw him down the slide and went ‘ha see now you know how it feels’ and walked back to where all the adults were stood utterly boggling at what we’d seen, obviously finding himself and his no nonsense parenting brilliant and effective (while his kid had HYSTERICS in the background).

Everyone in that room just thought he was a total cunt. There is no way i or any other sensible parent who witnessed that will allow our dc to go to their house and be unsupervised with that utter shit of a man ever again.

If you want ppl to think this of your dh then crack on. Oh and that’s aside from the damage it does to kids to be parented by being yelled at and shoved around obvs

Oh and i had half a mind to call ss after too (he manhandled his kid out of the party by the scruff of the neck later)

Could not decide if i was being precious or not thinking that, still can’t

I dunno

But like i said, if this is how you’re happy being seen and thought of, crack on

I have 22 month old twins and they are sneaky little monsters - they’ll wait until I’m changing the others epic poo or answering the door and then unleash hell. We have one nice piece of furniture (a coffee table) - they’ve worn a big area away on the shelf, I’m not even sure how but they do climb it a lot.

When my DH looks after them for a few hours he doesn’t do any of the chores or any of the essential tasks. Sounds like your DH needs a solid five days of being in charge of absolutely everything during the day so he can understand.

And I second a play pen - I have a large one and I’m trying to phase it out but there’s no way I can leave them loose in the lounge while I’m on the loo!

Your husband is a prick. Pack your bag, go away for a few days and demand he does what you do every day. Complaining over a toddler ffs. He probably has no bloody idea how to look after them all day everyday, but gets to do the fun stuff instead.

Go away where for a few days?leave her kids with shouty dad.hows that work

Wrenching their arms by frog marching them and smacking hands away too hard
Op even if you think the kids thinks good screaming at them is funny are they so amused when he's physically firing them?

He’s no monster or bully.

I'm not sure where you've set the bar for bully to have written your description of his behaviour and then declare him not to be one. If this isn't being a bully then is it behaviour you'd find acceptable for the children to copy? What if the school contacts you because they've been behaving like this to another child?

And there's no such thing as monsters. Even the people who perpetrate the most vile abuse have moments of being utterly lovable and charming. How do you think they'd get away with it otherwise? Children who bully other children are not monsters.

I wouldn't be so confident that your small children can and do shrug off their father's aggression - and his bollockings are aggression - or the fact that you stand there and let him do it. That's what they'll remember: dad bullied us and terrified us, and mum let him and made excuses for him.

Your comment about leaving him for being too aggressive is quite sad. Maybe you didn't mean it that way, but why is some aggression ok? Surely any aggression is too much?

I'm not judging you, I know you didn't choose this situation and it's by no means easy, and equally his behaviour is not within your control - but this is how it will be experienced from the children's perspective, and it does have long term consequences. There are enough of us on here who experienced this as children to attest to that.

So it looks like the Mumsnetters are much more concerned about this than you are OP. What are you going to do?

He needs to learn that you can't have nice things when you have small children
This is ridiculous. I have small children and a houseful of vintage furniture and collectibles. Nothing has ever been broken or damaged. The most valuable items are kept in the living room and DC are not permitted to go in there unless supervised. DC are aware of the house rules regarding treating our possessions nicely and would be punished if they purposely damaged something. I don’t think OP’s DH is wrong to expect children to behave and not break things.

What are you going to do?

What do you guys think I should do? Asking honestly, not defensively.

When my dc were that age we had a tiny house with one room downstairs plus kitchen.
I would have loved a second room to keep all my furniture in.
Not everyone has that luxury.

If my DH had bollocked my 18 month old he'd be out the door so fast his feet wouldn't touch the floor, the nasty, spiteful bully

He wrenches their arms? And is a shouty, rough authoritarian? And you think that's ok because he likes going on bike rides when he's not being a complete cunt?

Honestly, I'd leave. I'd have left after the first arm grabbing incident. But you clearly want to save the marriage so for me personally continuing the relationship would be conditional on him:

1. accepting fault and being open to understanding that his parenting style is damaging and ineffective
2. attending parenting classes to find better parenting strategies
3. attending individual counselling for him to make changes to his "shouty" behaviour
4. all of the above causing a demonstrable change in his parenting style within a reasonable time frame.

I would also consider counselling for yourself to try and raise your personal bar for what behaviour you find acceptable. As pp said, there is no thing as "too aggressive". Any aggressive is too aggressive. The fact you can't see this suggests you've been getting the frog in hot water treatment for a while.

I missed the bit about yanking and smacking
thedaily He is being violent with your 18 month old. 18 months old do not know right from wrong, we have to gently guide them.

If this was my dh I’d tell him if he did that again he’d would be out of the door. I’d ban smacked hands. They do not teach nothing only that big people can hurt little people. Babies and children’s joints are so soft they can easily be dislocated (I dislocated dd1 elbow yanking her back from a car when she ran out on to a road)

Have a sit down with him and firmly tell him that’s not going to happen again. If he can’t control his temper then he has to leave and you will ensure any visits are supervised.

YOU and your kids are not in the wrong here - he is

Now be honest. Did your heart sink a bit when you read that post because you know there's no way he'd a agree to any of those things? If so then you have a problem.

Apart from the way he speaks to you / your son which has been covered in othet posts...I don't think an 18 month old has the ability to think through consequences or even be deliberately naughty or control their impulses. He probably just hadn't done it on his watch as his watches are fr less time so he doesn't have to try and squeeze in housework and going to the toilet etc! If he has managed to frighten an 18 month old into stopping normal 18 month old behaviour then that's terrible!

Yes agree with the steps @NordicNobody outlined and if we won't approach those then you have an issue there anyway.

I think DH needs some time by himself with the kids, where he is required to look after them all and get the normal chores done. Then he will understand.

He essentially said "I am abusive so you should be too".

I agree that you have a bigger problem, an abusive husband is worse than some ruined furniture.

Btw your toddler is not a "menace", he is curious and exploring the world.