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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have lost my temper?

39 replies

crispysausagerolls · 18/07/2018 12:04

Not sure if this is me being completely precious or if it’s justified and would like to know what people think please!

PFB is 11 days old. Had a fairly horrific birth with several sets of stitches and my mother has been living with us to help out. I am still friendly with my ex stepfather, although he and my mother were not together for very long and I was an adult when they started dating (just to confirm it’s not like he raised me). She cannot stand him. My husband is also not a fan of his. He has been hassling me for 2-3 days now to come and visit the baby. The problem is that the days he has wanted to come I have had to sit around waiting for the health visitor and the midwife, and my mother has been here too and doesn’t want to see him. I could have sent her away but I don’t want to be ungrateful given the HUGE amount of help and support she has been to me. Anyway his messages to me have become more insistent, with him trying to say he only wants to drop off a gift. I’ve explained to him I would feel very rude just taking a gift and not inviting him in, so could he please stop pressuring me, but he is repeatedly sending the following types of message: “can I PLEASE just drop round a gift for your son?!”.

Anyway, I have just lost my temper with him and sent a long message explaining that many people don’t have visitors for the first weeks, and that he isn’t being understanding and is actually making me feel very uncomfortable with this level of pressure. He has replied very sulkily and quite angrily and now I am very upset but I am not sure how else I should have handled the situation? And I am kind of more annoyed that he is trying to make me feel
bad about it. AIBU or overly precious? What would you do in this scenario?

OP posts:

cheesydoesit · 18/07/2018 12:08

No, I don't think YABU. It sounds a bit odd. Why doesn't your husband like him?

lilyboleyn · 18/07/2018 12:09

No, in these circumstances yanbu. I seriously hate how, when you’ve had a baby and are trying to recover, some people make it all about them and THEIR needs.

happypoobum · 18/07/2018 12:11

YANBU - is he trying to get his foot back in the door with your mum? I would probably block him and move on.

Congratulations

Trinity66 · 18/07/2018 12:12

Seems kind of weird that he'd be so insistent in calling over so soon,like as if he had some ulterior motive or something? Do you think maybe he wants to annoy your mother or something? Honestly if it were me and it was just an ex of your mother rather than an actual step father who raised you type thing I'd probably cut ties with him out of loyalty to my mother. What reason does your husband give for not liking him, if you don't mind me asking?

Sarahjconnor · 18/07/2018 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 18/07/2018 12:16

Thank you for the congratulations x

He hasn’t been with my mother for years so it’s unlikely to be that. My husband doesn’t like him as when we were dating my husband took him to lunch to make an effort with him, and he reported back to me that he didn’t think DH was very keen on me. Which I then told DH (wrongly or rightly), who now thinks he is a snake.

I know having a baby is something everyone does and I am not special; but I just don’t want to feel bullied or pressured into seeing people when it’s not convenient, especially with them playing the “I have a presen” Cars. FWIW we have had several visitors, but they have been on our terms and much easier to manage because my mother has been sharing hosting duties/didn’t hate them. I’m not really sure where to go from here - I’m a bit minded next time he messages to say his tone has upset me and I’m not sure about a visit at all. Just don’t like his sulking and guilting now I’ve said no.

OP posts:

TooTrueToBeGood · 18/07/2018 12:19

I think so much is in the detail of your relationship with him and without that I doubt many of us can express a valid opinion. Is he trying to be controlling or is it just that he sees you still as a step-daughter and a very important person in his life? If the latter, do you reciprocate those feelings or not? It's not about your mother, or your husband, it's about your relationship with your exSF and what you feel about him. If you don't care or don't like him that much then just be blunt as you would with any othe racquaintance desperate to visit soon after the birth. If you do care then maybe consider that it might be very hurtful to him if he feels he is being put to the back of the queue.

cheesydoesit · 18/07/2018 12:20

I agree with PP, if both your mum and husband dislike him then they're probably right. He's pressuring you when you are newly postpartum, you don't owe him anything. So what if he sulks? He does sound like a snake. Enjoy your lovely baby instead, congratulations!

NewYearNewMe18 · 18/07/2018 12:21

I'm on the fence with this one. One the one hand he wants to do something nice, on the other hand you're not in a fit state to receive visitors.

I think I'd have just said, "Look Barry, Mum's here and will before a couple of weeks, I have HVs in and out, how about you come over the third Sunday in August" or something similar.

O/T Is there a reason you're still in touch, rather than let it drift, when DM and DH cant abide the sight of him?

Oldraver · 18/07/2018 12:38

Nope I would be annoyed he is trying to guilt you and would be tempted to not let him visit at all.

You can visit when I am ready should of sufficed, and he shouldn't be pressurzing you

Hoppinggreen · 18/07/2018 12:38

Your relationship seems a bit odd.
Your mum and DH both dislike him and he wasn’t together with your Mum very long and now he’s being pushy and insensitive when you’ve just had a baby
Why do you want him in your life?

toomanycompartments · 18/07/2018 12:38

it's so tricky - from his perspective i suppose this is all about him proving he's important to you. i had this exact sort of pressure from a couple of female friends, and i think they did feel they had a right to come and see the baby.

I think your DH is overreacting a bit, btw, but, it is a slightly weird comment for your step dad to have made because even if he thought that your DH wasn't serious, most people would've kept schtum, so I'd say he's lacking social skills/doesn't pick up on cues well.

If you like your step dad, i would just go quiet for a while. You've explained yourself, and he needs to back off. There's no point getting into more arguments with him.

sausagerole · 18/07/2018 12:39

It's really hard to respond when people seem as if they're doing something nice , but actually it's all about them. Dropping over a gift and seeing the baby sounds like it's actually about him (for whatever reason), not you or the baby. Otherwise he'd actually be considerate about your recovery and when's best for you and the baby.

In your position I'd make it clear that you'd like to see him, but at a time that works for you (and let him know when that is), and then enjoy your first few weeks at home. Congratulations!

toomanycompartments · 18/07/2018 12:40

i don't see having a new baby as an ideal time to burn bridges - you've had a rough time, you're in pain, it's a huge change whether it is your first or 7th, that's why I say, park it, and consider down the line.

toomanycompartments · 18/07/2018 12:41

oh yeah, it's definitely all about him and him being able to tell people he's seen the baby and feeling important to YOU too op.

Doesn't necessarily make him a monster, as I said, 2 good friends of mine felt they had a right, despite the fact I was exhausted, in pain etc. etc.

Jaxhog · 18/07/2018 12:45

If there wan't a 'present' involved, what would you do? I suspect you'd tell him you can't cope with anyone other than immediate family right now.

If you don't want to see him, then don't. Don't let a 'present' guilt you into it.

Singlenotsingle · 18/07/2018 12:46

I think you were quite right to make your feelings known. He can be in no doubt that you don't want him to visit. I don't know why people have to put their own needs/wants so high priority, when it is your wishes that are important.

CrispsAndDip · 18/07/2018 12:48

Do you even have a relationship with him if he isn't with your mum anymore? Why does she hate him?

Breakfastofmilk · 18/07/2018 12:49

My husband doesn’t like him as when we were dating my husband took him to lunch to make an effort with him, and he reported back to me that he didn’t think DH was very keen on me.

This seems very weird and potentially gaslighty. Your then boyfriend went to the effort of taking your step-father/ex-stepfather out to lunch without you and his conclusion was that he wasn't keen??? The whole thing is weird. Why wasn't he taking your mum out to lunch, why weren't you invited? Why did this lead to him thinking he wasn't keen when to most people this would be ludicrous hoop to expect a boyfriend to jump though? Frankly I don't believe that, I think it's far more likely he was trying to control or influence your relationship for his own reasons.

Why on earth was it so important your step-father or ex-step-father approve of your relationship?????????

I agree that considering this and his current pushiness he sounds very controlling and your DM & DH are right to dislike him. It sounds like its time to reevaluate why he's still in your life.

Mousefunky · 18/07/2018 12:53

I find it odd that you’re still so close to someone who separated from your Mother years ago, didn’t raise you so isn’t really a ‘proper’ step-dad and who your Mother and DH also hate. He hasn’t acted with very much grace over this situation either, I would be cutting ties if I were you.

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 18/07/2018 13:12

Gosh I really, REALLY appreciate so many responses! They are all sensible and many of them have given me food for thought! I agree with posters who have said that the gift angle does make it harder to say no, and that this is probably all about him validating his own feelings and feeling important to me.

We are still in touch because for the years they were together he was very supportive and kind, and I do have a problem with letting go of people, don’t like to cut people out if they have been there for me. And my mother does not really mind our relationship as long as it stays away from her, she mostly just wasn’t attracted to him anymore and that’s why they parted ways, she just can’t stand him because she regrets dating him etc but will bring up stories he told about his exes to substantiate this. DH is fine with me seeing him too (not that he has to be but just to say he isn’t stopping me!) but just doesn’t really want to see him himself.

However it is perhaps time to be firmer with him - he does have form for this type of pressuring and it’s just not appropriate at this point in time. I did explain to him that my mother was round and didn’t want to see him but he just kept insisting, he just either has skin as thick as a rhino or he selfishly doesn’t care. And he is either genuinely very hurt now, or emotionally blackmailing. And I can’t tell which!

Perhaps I will just cool it, and explain to him later how inappropriate his amount of pressure was...unless he continues trying to apply pressure...

OP posts:

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 18/07/2018 13:13

Actually, and I’m really not trying to dripfeed, he did make some fairly weird and inappropriate comments to me years ago that I laughed off, that might explain the “gaslighting“ over DH, but that I was unsure if were bad enough to cut ties.

OP posts:

Anon12345ABC · 18/07/2018 13:18

What were the weird and inappropriate comments?

YANBU btw. You've just had a baby, he isn't really family so he shouldn't be hassling you at all. What you said needed saying. Those closest to you don't like him, maybe you need to take heed of that.

DH's mum split from his step dad, came into his life when he was an adult etc, I actually preferred him to MIL but when they split we never saw him again.

PoppyField · 18/07/2018 13:29

Hi OP,

Congratulations!

I think this man is toxic. A decent person would have picked up your early signals and waited. Instead he put more pressure on you - when you’ve just gone through a traumatic birth. This suggests he is deeply insensitive and selfish. Then when asked to hold off inviting himself round, because he would not stop badgering you, he goes into a strop and complains to you.

This man is not your friend, whatever your past relationship. His behaviour is really out of order - I think your mum and DH have made a sensible assessment of his character and I think you are coming round to what they already know. Selfish, manipulative, bullying. Don’t give him the time of day. Tell him that his appalling behaviour has offended you at what should be a very special time and you don’t want to see him again. Just ditch him. Don’t engage with his whingeing. He’s totally self-centred and really not nice - you’ve got a lovely new baby, why would you want to have this nasty man in your life?

Original poster

crispysausagerolls · 18/07/2018 13:34

He said something to the effect of “we would have made such a great couple it’s a shame I’m not X years younger” (after he had split from my mother). Said it a couple of times. wasn’t sure how to handle so just laughed and ignored.

Agree his behaviour has been a bit toxic regarding this.

Thank you for all of the congratulations xx

OP posts:

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