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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fecked off with people who have sympathy for MIL, when she is in the wrong???

40 replies

UndomesticGoddess · 29/05/2007 11:36

This may be a long post!!!

M and FIL came to visit on sunday...
When the visit was arraned we told them that DH and I would be nipping out for an hour. I am on the Cambridge Diet and need regular checks. My time was not changeable as I had asked the week before.
Before they came M and FIL agreed to look after the children for an hour.
They come a fair way to visit, but due to Dd1's ASD she does not travel in cars too well for long distances and a 3 hour journey would be out of the question.

They arrived an hour and a half late This is a regular occurence. That left us 25 mins before DH and I had to leave.

When she walked in she gave the girls a gift of a bag each and then handed them kinder eggs I asked her to remove them so the girls could have them later as a treat. Dd1's behavioural difficulties are aggravated by certain additives and Kinder chocolate is something she does not have and therefore I was holding them back so I could check the packaging.

She then proceeded to shout at me for going out ... as I mentioned an arrangement had already been made that they would care for the children. How dare she shout at me in my own house??? DH was Furious.
I got to my counsellor, and DH would normally stay but he didn't. He came home and I made my way to my friends and camped there till they went home.

He came home to find MIL putting coats on the children to take them for a walk so therefore he hit the roof too. We specifically said stay home.

When I came home from my friends' house, I found Kinder wrappers on the floor, Cadbury creme Egg wrappers on the floor, and to top it off they had been washed down with fruit shoots

DH had to tackle them about it.

I went to see my mother who is in hospital at the moment last night. She is thankfully on the mend, but imagine my when she SYMPATHISED with MIL!!!!!!!!!! and tried to excuse her behaviour!!!! saying she dosen't see them often etc.

AIBU to be annoyed that MIL has NO respect for our wishes as parents?????

OP posts:
VioletBaudelaire · 29/05/2007 11:40

Why did your DH have to go with you?
Surely it would have been better for him to stay at home and keep an eye on things if you don't trust your ILs to look after your children properly.
The chocolate thing would annoy me - one of my children has allergies, but my family would never give him anything without checking with me first - but going out for a walk is hardly dreadful.
Would I be right in thinking there is quite a bit of history behind this?

jenwa · 29/05/2007 11:43

I think there is the one side like your mother says about not seeing them but I do think that she should respect your wishes. I think it is out of order to go ahead and do something when you hav specifically asked not to. Also to have a go at you in your house is very rude, maybe she knew she was late and was taking it out on you when you mentioned taking the kinder eggs out for later. She probably wanted to do the whole granny spoilig thing but she needs to find other ways to do this.
Can Dh talk to her?

Original poster
UndomesticGoddess · 29/05/2007 11:45

Ok,
DH is the driver. Its about 6 miles to my counsellor and it is off a bus route.
As for going out for a walk, Dd1's ASD traits are that she presents a danger to herself and others in certain situations and has little road sense. She is 5
Dd2 is only just 3 and equally has very little road sense. She was going to take them out with her 2 big dogs too, so therefore if one of the children had gone into the road there would have been nothing she could have dome about it.

Yes there is a history, but this is the first time we have left the children with them. The very least I would have thought they could have abided by our wishes.

OP posts:
pesme · 29/05/2007 11:48

yes yabu, your mother is in hospital and you are ranting at her about your mil. sounds like she was trying to calm the situation down. (this is only a reply to your original question nothing to do with the actually mil incident)

Original poster
UndomesticGoddess · 29/05/2007 11:49

wasn't ranting, mother had asked me and I told her calmly what had happened.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 29/05/2007 11:50

Yes a bit. You can't prevent people from seeing things differently from you.

VioletBaudelaire · 29/05/2007 11:53

Have you and your DH fully discussed how DD1s ASD traits affect the way you care for her?
Perhaps they don't quite understand properly because they live a long way away.
I think I would get a taxi if the situation occurred again, and let DH show his parents how to care for your children as you would like.
It sounds more like a lack of understanding by your ILs, rather than a lack of respect for your wishes as parents.

kslatts · 29/05/2007 11:54

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, if you trust them to look after your dc's then they should be able to choose whether to stay in or go for a walk.

Original poster
UndomesticGoddess · 29/05/2007 11:55

We tried to discuss Dd1's difficulties with them, we were told point blank, they don't want to know. They have never asked or shown interest, despite being kept in the loop about her care and progress made or no tmade as the case may be.

OP posts:
MamaG · 29/05/2007 11:55
  1. Your MIL was being an arse.
2. I probably would have talked about it with my mum, hospital or not. 3. Your mum was probably trying to diffuse situation before it escalates into huge family row (while secretly agreeing with you)
Original poster
UndomesticGoddess · 29/05/2007 11:56

Thank you MamaG

OP posts:
KezzaG · 29/05/2007 11:56

MIL would have annoyed me, if you gave instrcutions she should have kept them whether she agreed or not. She could discuss with you later if she felt you were out of order or whatever, but just to override you is wrong. And shouting at you was just plain rude.

Sonds like your mum was trying to smooth things over, annoying when you want someone to take your side but I can see why she was doing it.

MamaG · 29/05/2007 11:58

(my nephew suffered badly from allergies, certain things would make him into a terrible raging beast - his Mum spent hours preparing food, checking packets etc. He would arrive back from my MIL's house like a whirlwind, after eating sweets, additive-filled juices etc - MIL thought it was a load of nonsense

Stigaloid · 29/05/2007 11:58

YANBU - no one has the right to shout at you in your own house - how rude!

And if you ask them not to do something with your children they should respect your wishes.

I would however suggest that next time don't arrange to have them over when you have an appointment to keep.

Also - if you make a time for them to arrive and they are over 30 mins late without contacting you - go out. They will soon learn that arriving late for meetings is unacceptable.

Stigaloid · 29/05/2007 11:58

PS: Hoe your mum gets well soon

VioletBaudelaire · 29/05/2007 11:58

OK.
At least now you know for sure that you can't really leave your children in their care, as they do not sound responsible enough to ensure their safety.
They need to earn your trust by taking your DDs difficulties seriously.
Perhaps they don't want to know because they would rather put their heads in the sand, but that's not good enough if they want to look after their grandchildren.
I am not surprised you are angry about this.

oliveoil · 29/05/2007 12:01

My parents arrive every week with goodies and stuff for my girls - sticker books, beads, etc etc. Nothing major, but every week they hang about the front door waiting, knowing there will be something.

That is grandparents for you, and I am sorry but you can moan all you want but you will not fight this, it is Grandparent Law . I usually try and sneak the choc in the cupboard and usually fail.

re being late, were they stuck in traffic? Maybe a reason.

Don't see the problem with the walk, tbh.

(What is the Cambridge Diet and these check things?)

MerlinsBeard · 29/05/2007 12:01

what would you have done with the children while you went to you check if they hadn't come?

Original poster
UndomesticGoddess · 29/05/2007 12:04

Normally the children would have gone to my sister's house but cos the IL's were coming and they had agreed to look after the children they stayed at home.

OP posts:
FlossALump · 29/05/2007 12:05

Not a fruit shoot. Good lord. >>thud

MissGolightly · 29/05/2007 12:05

Your MIL was wrong to give the children sweets/take them out without your consent.

BUT if you want them to help you out, look after kids etc, then you have to meet them halfway. If given a list of dos and don'ts it is easy for Gparents to end up feeling like unpaid nannies (not saying this is how you treat them, but just trying to see it from their POV). It sounds like she didn't understand what was at the back of your requests to stay home etc.

Sit down with them - say how grateful you are for their help and explain what kind of treats are ok and what cause problems. Ask them to suggest what kind of things they would like to do with the girls and explain which ones would work best.

Original poster
UndomesticGoddess · 29/05/2007 12:05

Oliveoil, Cambridge diet is a very low calorie diet. I am about 5 stones overweight and unless I want to be unhealthy in time to come, I have to do something NOW. There are threads in the weight loss section about it

OP posts:
Original poster
UndomesticGoddess · 29/05/2007 12:08

Missgolightly they have never been unpaid nannies, they see the children maybe 3 times a year.

OP posts:
sparklesandwine · 29/05/2007 12:12

I agree with VB if they are not prepared to take an interest and understand your dd's problems then you should not leave them in their care and arrange visits with them to suit you when your there. If they want to spoil your dd's that is a grandparents right (apparently!) but suggest that they check with you what sweets are suitable, or just give them a list of ones which are, or ask them to buy colouring books or something instead.

I wouldn't blame your mum for 'siding' with your MIL as she was probably just trying to ease the situation. There seems to be a history of issues that may have built this up, is there anything else which has led to it or am i barking up the wrong tree?

Original poster
UndomesticGoddess · 29/05/2007 12:16

I didn;t see my IL's for a while because I felt I could not hold my temper with them. They ask nothing. Even about christmas and birthdays for the children. Often they get a duplicated present and any request is usually ignored. I am never asked/told about presents for DH either, therefore last year he ended up with 2 sat navs, even though DH told them my plans to buy him one.
On the face of it, there was an agreement in place that they would come knowing we were going out. They were offered an alternative day and refused that.

OP posts: