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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is shit

58 replies

callywags · 18/07/2018 02:59

Hi,

So I have just returned to work after 20 weeks Mat leave.
The first day I was back, one of my male colleagues decided to tell me that I was a bad mum and shouldn't I be at home with my kids, why was I back to work. My new baby is our third and final baby, I didn't get to take any longer off, because quite frankly I have a good paying job and we both need to be working.

My husband does days and I have evening/night shifts, we make it work between us and are lucky enough that we don't need to pay for childcare.
Then last night a well know "mummy blogger" was at my work and she had a baby recently and we were talking and I mentioned about my LO and she asked me "what are you doing here, if you have just had a baby?"

Shit the guilt trips are being laid on left, right and centre.
AIBU to think that dad's returning to work don't get asked these questions 😔

OP posts:
DeadGood · 18/07/2018 08:34

“Then last night a well know "mummy blogger" was at my work and she had a baby recently and we were talking and I mentioned about my LO and she asked me "what are you doing here, if you have just had a baby?"”

Ok your colleague is a real twit, but the comment from the blogger reads as a lighthearted “aren’t your employers mean, making you come back in so soon” bad joke.

Don’t feel bad OP, you’re doing great x

NoSquirrels · 18/07/2018 08:36

Fuckers.

I would reply to anyone - blogger or colleague or man in the street - “Would you ask a father that question?” And deliver it with an icy stare.

The colleague is probably an unthinking unquestioning twat who has just grown up with sexism and misogyny.

The “mummy blogger” should fucking we’ll know better, and check her own lifestyle.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 18/07/2018 08:39

WHat an amazing set up. You’ve got no childcare and both parents main carer. Sounds ideal

Bibesia · 18/07/2018 08:57

Ask your male colleague how much time he took off work when his children were babies.

I know plenty of people who returned to work within less than 20 weeks after the birth of their children. And I can see no evidence whatsoever that either they or their children suffered for it.

Sarahjconnor · 18/07/2018 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coffeeeandtv · 18/07/2018 08:58

Callywags..... that is a shit comment from both parties and either way it's none of their business how you choose to live but FWIW.... good on you for putting your family first. I have heard all the comments before 'just so you can have a big car/huge house/ exotic holidays'. I chose to work as my husband worked in a sector where the redundancy rate was high (we were very lucky that this never happened) we invested a small amount every month in order to help our kids if they choose to go into higher education and like you and your husband co patented and 'made it work' I now have 2 confident teenagers who appreciate what we did and are not afraid of hard work and are close to both of us. Keep doing what you are doing, listen to your body and don't get over tired or too stressed, personally I think they are entitlement to their opinion it's just wrong as far as you and your family is concerned.

viques · 18/07/2018 09:01

OP, tell your colleagues that it is 2018 and your child's other parent is perfectly capable of providing loving and effective care.

MissionItsPossible · 18/07/2018 09:02

It astounds me that people poke their noses into things that are fuck all to do with them. You sound like you’re doing brilliantly. Even if you weren’t, it is not for a colleague of all people Hmm to comment on it. Head high, keep calm and carry on.

viques · 18/07/2018 09:05

*Greendale17" well ain't it lucky the sun has blessed you and all your acquaintances with well paid extended parental leave?

FeistyOldBat · 18/07/2018 09:18

You don't owe them any explanations, they do owe you apologies. They insulted you in public, they should apologise in public. But they won't.

So - in a loud voice 'Wind your neck in', and walk on. Yes, it's rude, but no more than they are.

user1493413286 · 18/07/2018 09:25

What pricks! When I went back to work 4 days a week people kept saying it was a lot until I pointed out that no one said that to my husband when he went back to work full time after 2 weeks leave.
I also had a few people say they hadn’t wanted someone else to “bring up their child” which really hurt and at the time I didn’t know how to respond.
I feel especially angry at comments like that as I had no choice about going back to work as we can’t manage on just one wage; however the truth also is that being back at work makes me a better mum and my DD gets all sorts of opportunities at childcare that I don’t have the resources or imagination for.

UpstartCrow · 18/07/2018 09:27

So are you going to escalate this to HR?

katmarie · 18/07/2018 09:31

I've just gone back to work full time this week, ds is 6mo, his dad is going to be a SAHD which works really well for us both, I finish at 4pm and am home by ten past, so get to do dinner and bed etc, going back to work has done wonders for my confidence and anxiety, and he's loving being at home with baby. But I have had a few people say how lucky I am that he's willing to do that. No one said that to him when he went back to work after paternity leave!

I'd never shame a mum for going back to work. You do what you need to do to look after your family. And how many times have we seen on here women who give up their careers to have kids, finding it hard to go back after the kids get older, or worse, having to desperately find work because they have split with the dad. To me it makes sense to go back to work, and have that career of your own, as soon as you are ready to go.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 18/07/2018 09:33

In other countries people have shorter or longer maternity leaves. People tend to think whatever the standard is in their country is the right amount to take. Too much and you're lazy too little and you're a bad mother.

HazelBite · 18/07/2018 09:54

I am in my 60's and when I had DS1 20 weeks was the max Mat leave we got!
My view is that it is more important to keep your family fed and a roof over their heads than to stay at home riddled with anxiety over finances.

In my opinion, you are doing brilliantly to be able between you and your DH to manage all the childcare.

Well I won't tell you what i think about Mummy Bloggers its about the same as these celebs who write parenting books as of course they are the only people who ever had children.
As for your colleague, what a sexist idiot!

mummamarnis · 18/07/2018 10:07

What arses!!!! Please don't let it get to you. It is so unfair women are always judged for their choices regarding working and children no one is up in arms that men only get two weeks statutory paternity leave. Don't worry Op even if you stayed at home someone would ask 'oh when are you going back to work?' Ignore them and do the best for you. Your not any less of a mother because you go to work. This attitude makes me sick and some of these so called mommy bloggers seem so narcissistic far away in lala land and think they are so wonderful like everything is soooo amazzzzzinnnngggg 'I look after my children am perfectly toned and gym honed give my OH amazzzzing sex would never go to work as I need every waking minute with my child, bake Michelin star meal my home is like a Barretts show home, my children never cry get ill throws tantums ect ect ect.
They are the ones top that then seem to do nothing but moan about SAH with their kids and how hard it is blah blah but always manage to post some adorable pictures of their little munchkins to sugar coat their choices all the while dosed up on valium and antidepressants baking cookies smiling away the pain it's all a facarde and lies like facebook it is not reality. The man that made the comments to you probably would not last one day with a baby or looking after a baby and dealing with childcare then going to work. Like I said there's a reason men are not beating down parliament begging for paternity leave. I think you are great maintaining a career and being successful in your job and have a good balance as long as your baby is cared for you should not be guilted into staying at home so when you do finally go back to work some nice childfree man has your job and you struggle to find work and provide for your kids. I thought we should be encouraging to people but its like people cannot make up their minds where they want women and mothers in society these days what ever you do is wrong.

Original poster
callywags · 18/07/2018 10:33

Wow greendale17

Where do you come from??

OP posts:
Original poster
callywags · 18/07/2018 10:36

I look around and I see so many parents doing similar and are all doing great jobs balancing both roles.
Definitely agree it's more important t put good me the table and the mortgage paid.
The colleague is young male, not attached, likes to go out and have fun as you do, when you have no responsibilities.
I have a great HR manager and she has been so supportive, if he mentions anything else I will bring it up with her.
Like you guys said, just trying to d the best for our families x

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 18/07/2018 10:41

So are you going to escalate this to HR?
Why? Because a colleague expressed an opinion that wasn't very nice? We do still have free speech don't we?

PurpleTigerLove · 18/07/2018 10:42

Just reply “ I couldn’t wait to get back to work , I don’t even like kids that much ! “

Babdoc · 18/07/2018 10:49

“A woman’s place is in the wrong”.
Still true apparently!
Don’t let these rude idiots get you down, OP. It’s none of their business how you and your DH organise work and childcare. As long as it works for you and your family, that’s all that matters. And I’d certainly tell the male colleague that his remarks will be reported to HR if they continue. He needs a refresher course in equality legislation.

youknowwherethecityis · 18/07/2018 11:10

How long has 'mummy blogger' taken off blogging following the birth of her precious child?

Most people I know took a full year off work or longer, but I do know several people who went back at 6 weeks. I took 6 months off and if I had another child I'd take 6 months max then too, because that's really the maximum I can take with my job.

If you're doing evening/night shifts then surely the baby is mainly asleep when you're not there anyway and so your situation sounds perfect. Also I think it's great for the father to be the primary person caring for their child for extended periods of time

greendale17 · 18/07/2018 11:13

Greendale17" well ain't it lucky the sun has blessed you and all your acquaintances with well paid extended parental leave?

Hardly. I only had 3 months full pay. My partner earns less than the average annual salary. So we aren’t blessed thank you very much.

Mousefunky · 18/07/2018 11:14

Most Dad’s return to work after two weeks and I’m pretty certain none of them get this hassle. Such sexism, sorry you have experienced this OP.

Original poster
callywags · 18/07/2018 13:50

She hasn't taken any time off it seems to have blogged from birth and all the bits inbetween, not sure as I still see that as working but difference is she works from home.
I am in work from 6pm until 1.30am
Bub goes to bed at 6.30
So I think it's ideal, I have dinner with my kids and DH does the bath/bed routine and when I get in I do a top up feed and have snuggles.

That works for your family @green having a stay at home parent.
We have a large mortgage so we both need to work

OP posts: