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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if your DP/DH were like this when you had DC?

52 replies

Newmama111 · 17/07/2018 23:11

Our LO is 6mo and learning new things constantly, I get so excited about each milestone and get so much enjoyed from watching him learn and develop.

DP on the other hand doesn't get remotely excited like that, the contrast between us is huge. DS will do something funny/clever and DP barely bats an eye. He's not interested in taking DS swimming, to baby activities or anywhere just the two of them. He seems to just plod along doing the odd bit of feeding and bum changes without getting any much actual joy from being his dad. He'd rather play on his games than spend any quality one on one time where they interact for more than ten minutes.

I asked him why he felt he wasn't as excited by DS being here as I am and he said that men just aren't as emotive and excitable as women when it comes to children.

Were your other halves at all like this, is it the norm? I think I already know its not..

OP posts:

Original poster

Newmama111 · 17/07/2018 23:11

Enjoyment* sorry I'm typing on my phone.

OP posts:

Tulipsinbloom · 17/07/2018 23:17

Hi Op, I have a seven month old and while my DH is good with him, if I leave then alone for any length of time, baby will be put into his bouncer chair while Dh is on YouTube video. I think after a certain point he just doesn't know what to do with them. He does take joy from the baby though and from new smiles, noises, actions etc

Wheelerdeeler · 17/07/2018 23:21

Dh is as interested and obsessed with our 2 as me..... when I come back he'll always have a "wait til you hear what he did......" story.

katmarie · 17/07/2018 23:21

My dh is fascinated by everything my 6mo ds does, at the moment it's food, every time my ds tries something new and likes it, my dh gets really excited. My sil taught my ds to do something really cute today and my dh was thrilled. So no, I don't think all men react to babies in the same way.

FASH84 · 17/07/2018 23:21

DH is already looking to things he can do with baby, and wants to have a regular activity together for some bonding. My dad was the same and always did loads with us, it just depends on the person.

NapQueen · 17/07/2018 23:22

Mine wasnt. He still does get excited at the new stuff they do and is always set on "making memories". He played a bit of xbox after dc1 went down on an evening if we had nothing to watch together but not while the baby was up. Did bath and bed every night he was home (most). He still does all holiday parenting as he works term time only and I work ft 48 weeks.

They are always off swimming or doing fun stuff and thats carried on sknce they were babies.

needtimealone · 17/07/2018 23:24

Ds dad was at first... Now its more like he's an irritant...

Fatted · 17/07/2018 23:25

Yes and no. My DH has always enjoyed doing stuff with our boys like swimming, taking them out for walks etc. But I do think at the baby stage, he didn't enjoy them as much as when they were a bit older. The time I really noticed it was when DS2 was born. DS1 was 2YO and DH would do lots with him and not as much with DS2. I think it was because DS1 could interact more with him at that age. Now they're both older, he spends his time equally with them and is actively involved with them both.

corythatwas · 17/07/2018 23:25

My dh got as much enjoyment out of dc as I did. Always did loads with them. My dad was the same and so was my granddad.

Merryoldgoat · 17/07/2018 23:26

DS2 is now 5 months. My DH adores him, reads to him, cuddles him, takes him for walks as well as the usual stuff.

I had a lie in on the weekend and he said they had a full on morning with tummy time, reading, nursery rhymes and a walk to the shop.

He was the same with our first son too.

BertieBotts · 17/07/2018 23:26

My ex was like this. My DH otoh is already obsessed with interacting with the baby and he isn't even born yet.

IME it is a bit of a cop out when men blame things on just men and women being different and it's a sign they are a bit sexist which can sometimes not be great in terms of how they see you.

Mumbun11 · 17/07/2018 23:27

My heart sank reading some of the replies so far, I wish DP was like that with DS :-(

I'm sure he loves him, but I'm equally as sure that he's not excited about being his dad

tillytown · 17/07/2018 23:28

He sounds lazy, and is using sexism as an excuse.

anametouse · 17/07/2018 23:32

My DH is more excited about our DS than I am (and I adore the boy!) so no, it's not just what men do.

Mumbun11 · 17/07/2018 23:33

He has an older DS from a previous partner and I know it sounds paranoid for me to say this but I'm sure he prefers him. He has a photo of them both together on his WhatsApp, a different photo of older DS as his phone wallpaper and nothing like that of our DS.

I don't know how he was with his FBS when he was small as I didn't know him then but he definitely seems more interested in his older son

SandyY2K · 17/07/2018 23:35

I think women are more excited about babies and the stages of development.

My DH seemed to enjoy the stage he could teach them things. I had to tell him once she's not a toy.. when he said ..when will she start doing things.

He was always proud to be a dad ... but has never been as emotive as me when it comes to the DC.

Booop · 17/07/2018 23:36

Fecking gaming. He should stop playing games when his child is awake and pay them some attention.

Mumbun11 · 17/07/2018 23:42

The gaming drives me nuts, if I need to get shopping in or go to an appointment and he's not at work he will mind the baby, his definition of minding him will be to put a blanket down and let him roll around until I get home meanwhile he plays games with his online friends

DieAntword · 17/07/2018 23:42

Booop, dunno. There’s only so many times I can watch my 6 month old roll around and smile at me before I get bored and turn back to my computer to read web forums. Kids don’t really get enjoyable to pay attention to till they can walk and talk imo.

Now that my first who I just let roll around while I went on the computer is 2 and I know they aren’t damaged by that I feel absolutely no guilt about doing it with the second one (felt dreadfully guilty the first time but I just could not think of a way to stay sane staring at a boring baby for hours).

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 17/07/2018 23:47

My husband has always got at least as excited as me about our children's development and achievements. He has always taken them everywhere he can and is a very involved father. I think that's fairly normal.

NordicNobody · 17/07/2018 23:48

Sorry, I know it's not what you're hoping to hear but my dp wasn't like this and neither are any of the other dads I'm friends with. I think things like "women are just more excited about babies" are on a par with "men just don't see mess" in terms of bullshit. It's his way of saying "I'm lazy and/ or disinterested in my kid so I'll blame biology to get out of making any changes". Now, I don't dispute that some people (men and women) simply don't enjoy the "baby stage" and it's perfect it's perfectly possible that he'll go on to become more engaged/ invested as the child gets older. Hopefully that's the case here. But I'd make it clear that if he isn't engaging with his child now then that's on him as an individual and not because he's a man. Let him get away with playing that card now and he'll pull it out again and again every time he doesn't want to do something.

"Oh I can't possibly remember when DS is due his next appointment at the dentist, men just aren't able to remember details like that, women are much more organised about these things"

"I should take on more hours at work while you go part time and run the house because women are better at multitasking while men need to just focus on one particular thing"

It's sexist rubbish designed to keep as "women's work" anything that men find boring (like housework/ childcare) and to keep as "men's work" anything they find useful/ interesting (like earning money at they're Very Important Jobs). Dismissing this observation with "there's nothing I can do about it because it's just biology" is nothing more than a clever way of shutting down the conversation without any need to try and make changes. And it's a lie I've noticed many women seem keen to buy into as it's easier to say "all men are like this, it's biology" than "my partner doesn't respect me and I don't have enough power in the relationship to advocate for change". That last bit wasn't specifically directed at you btw, it's just something I've noticed in general. Anyway, my point is, nip that shit in the bud now while your dynamic as parents is still quite plastic. In a few years time when your roles as "hopeless-but-it's-not-his-fault dad" and "all-capable-super mum" are established it'll be much harder to make changes.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/07/2018 23:49

Well Die you could always interact with him instead of just staring at him...

I think in general guys prefer them when they can properly interact, DH is great but he just doesn't feel the same need I do to be sat on, cuddled, kissed, dressed up etc by DS

ToastyFingers · 17/07/2018 23:53

DH was like this at first, he really got emotive about parenting when dd1 was old enough to toddle along after him, feed the ducks or go exploring,so at about 18 months.

He's been just as enthusiastic about dd2 from the start, because once you've done it before, you know how short lived every phase is.

He's probably better with the girls now than I am, and really relishes spending time with them. I think it just takes some dads (or mums) a little longer to get into the parenting mindframe.

Mumbun11 · 17/07/2018 23:57

I had words with him about the fact he spends more time looking at and talking (through a headset) his computer games than our DC. He became sulky about the fact being highlighted, eventually said he could see where I was coming from but zero effort to change the habit.

Don't get me wrong he will chip in to meet babies basic needs and he does interact with him sometimes, play "boo" and make him laugh BUT compared to the amount of time and focus he dedicates to other things. I'm pretty sure the very small portion of his time that he does interact with baby is put on for my benefit only when I'm present, as whenever I leave them together for any period of time baby is always left to entertain himself whilst DP games

Saracen · 18/07/2018 00:00

I don't think my dp was quite as excited about all the little details as I was, but he was just as head-over-heels besotted with his child as I was and couldn't wait to see her whenever he got home.

My only real gripe was that he expected to have all the fun and none of the work. For example, he'd take her swimming, but would expect me to get her bag together and make sure her nappy was clean and she was fed beforehand rather than doing those things himself.

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