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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if your DP/DH were like this when you had DC?

52 replies

Newmama111 · 17/07/2018 23:11

Our LO is 6mo and learning new things constantly, I get so excited about each milestone and get so much enjoyed from watching him learn and develop.

DP on the other hand doesn't get remotely excited like that, the contrast between us is huge. DS will do something funny/clever and DP barely bats an eye. He's not interested in taking DS swimming, to baby activities or anywhere just the two of them. He seems to just plod along doing the odd bit of feeding and bum changes without getting any much actual joy from being his dad. He'd rather play on his games than spend any quality one on one time where they interact for more than ten minutes.

I asked him why he felt he wasn't as excited by DS being here as I am and he said that men just aren't as emotive and excitable as women when it comes to children.

Were your other halves at all like this, is it the norm? I think I already know its not..

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/07/2018 00:01

I think my DH was more excited than me about milestones. I was so shattered when they were young that I don't have any memory of all the firsts. I remember thinking they were fascinating but at the same time, I'd really much rather be doing something else. When I was expressing excitement about things they had done I was definitely trying to make the most of it rather than being really glad I'd got to see that particular new skill for the first time. I have found they get much more interesting the older they get.

Having said all that - I did interact with them and I did get involved and take note of what they did (even though I remember so little of it!) because I know it's important and your DH should know it's important for him to be involved too. Baby groups are not necessarily a great idea though. They are really more for the parent than the baby, who will be as happy banging on saucepans at home as going to a mum and baby music session.

CantankerousCamel · 18/07/2018 00:03

I think kids get easier ans easier to relate to as they get old and then subsequent kids you enjoy more because they’re so precious and little for such a short time.

I think it’s easier for men when they get to about 3 and can be thrown about

stopgap · 18/07/2018 00:06

Mine was committed in every aspect, splitting night wakings with me, taking our colicky eldest out for marathon walks, wearing him in the carrier etc. but I wouldn’t say either of his boys thrilled him until they were two and could converse and interact in an interesting way.

They’re now four and six and he can’t get enough of his boys.

DistanceCall · 18/07/2018 00:06

My father went crazy with my sister and me. My BIL has always been extremely involved in his children's lives, and loves playing with them and doing fun things with them. My male friends are crazy about their children.

It's not men. It's your husband.

KM99 · 18/07/2018 00:10

I'd be inclined to ask you what you would expect to see from your DH? You could get a hundred responses here but it's really down to how you want your child to be raised.

Maybe steer away from asking how your DH feels and more on encouraging him to be more involved? It is this something you have tried already? Are there other potential factors at play here behind his lack of involvement and interest?

Ultimately, he may not be "interested" in spending much time with your LO, but he has responsibilities. If he isn't going to step up then what do you want? You are the one trying to raise a child with him.

SummerIsEasy · 18/07/2018 00:12

I suspect that many men have very little interest in very small children. Still have a picture of DH and DS when a few months old, DH balanced him on his knee, whilst reading the paper. I was making lunch at the time and found it frustrating that DH had so little interest in our child. I clearly remember taking the snap for that reason. We didn't have a computer at that time, he was born in 1985.

Fast forward a few years and DH was taking DS to school rugby and football matches with great father son bonding. Our DS has excelled at rugby. Fast forward again to last week when as adult males they watched the football together at the pub with DD and her boyfriend.

Our son is now in a good law career, much better educated than his Dad ever was. Yet he attributes his ability to argue his case with the relationship he had with his Dad when growing up. He has said that he had to really know his stuff to argue on an equal basis with his Dad as a teenager.

In lasting relationships men often contribute a great deal to the upbringing of their children, but it often takes them time to grow into the role.

Mumbun11 · 18/07/2018 00:13

I don't for one second buy his explanation that its men in general, I immediately refuted his reasoning and wanted clarification from others who can testify to the fact not a large percentage of fathers are generally uninterested

Mumbun11 · 18/07/2018 00:15

I'm hoping it really is just a case of his enjoyment in DS growing over time as he gets older and able to communicate etc.

NordicNobody · 18/07/2018 00:19

I wondered if that previous post was your after a name change fail OP. That's a really sad read, especially your description of him "chipping in to meet babies basic needs". That's not a description of an otherwise loving father who just doesn't quite know how to interact with a pre verbal/mobile infant, that's a description of a man who generally just doesn't give a shit 😔 Like someone else said earlier, whether he finds babies interesting or not is irrelevant. He's a father, he has a responsibility to share in the raising of his child, even if that means "faking it" for a while. And that includes a damn site more that simply changing the odd nappy! Sounds like a very frank very stern talk about getting his head out of his arse is in order.

PickledLilly · 18/07/2018 00:19

My partner didn’t really engage with either of our children until they were over a year old. He just didn’t seem that interested until they were walking and talking. I don’t think it’s a conscious thing, I just don’t think he’s keen on babies. He’s much more involved now they’re older.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 18/07/2018 00:22

he said that men just aren't as emotive and excitable as women when it comes to children
Well you don’t need to know coding to know that’s shite.Excited by gaming,not by own kid
Ok,so challenge that nonsense.parenting is emotional & reactive.you don’t need his mansplaining

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 18/07/2018 00:27

I think it helps if you make him do something with his son every week. Such as swimming or going to gym play. Sometimes they need to have a good half day being in an active group situation to start to bond. Bonding takes time and being able to tune in to those small things.

NordicNobody · 18/07/2018 00:30

It's not quite the same but I had an argument with my dp in the early days of having our son over his "I'll do it later" (ie days later/ once it starts attracting flies) attitude to housework. I told him that every time he didn't do his share of housework he was offering me a choice between raising our child in a dirty house or raising our child in a sexist environment (where I cleaned up everything his behalf). I told him that both of those environments were equally damaging for our child and that if that was the choice on offer I would rather take option C and live by myself. And I meant it. We've never had another problem on that front. Your DH is offering you a similar choice. If you fight for equality in your relationship and leave 50% of the parenting to him then your son's emotional needs get neglected 50% of the time. In order to meet his emotional needs 100% of the time you have to make 100% of the effort. By refusing to pull his weight he's offering you a choice between raising your child badly, or raising him in a sexist environment. Those are both terrible choices. I'd be reminding him that option C is also available to you.

LinoleumBlownapart · 18/07/2018 00:31

Does he have an addiction to gaming?

My husband took longer than I did to learn about babies, but that had more to do with our careers and experience than the fact that he's a man.

He does a lot with the children now, he didn't really do much with them before they we toddling as he is not a chatty person and I found it easier to engage in baby speak, read books to them and play games like peek-a-boo etc than he did, he would seem awkward doing those things. He was more about making sure basic needs were met but he was always happy about their milestones and always amazed at how much babies can actually do, he would video them and call his parents to tell them the latest thing the baby was doing.

Mumbun11 · 18/07/2018 00:34

I put a post up last week about the fact he was doing naff all around the house, I name changed after I posted this thread as I didn't want to look like I was constantly having a moan about him. To be honest I'm not sure I even want to stay with him, I don't like how he is around the house I find him to be lazy outside of work and the fact he doesn't seem enthusiastic about parenting is the cherry on the cake. I just hope it changes as DS grows whether we are together or not as it saddens me that DS may one day become very aware he has a half arsed father

Caterina99 · 18/07/2018 00:39

My DH was always interested in DS as a baby, but he’s way more involved now he’s 3. I think he just prefers being able to communicate better with him.

Mumbun11 · 18/07/2018 00:40

The gaming is a big problem in our home, I wouldn't feel unreasonable by saying its turning into something of an addiction. I won't pretend to understand gaming addiction but I'm very aware of the potential for this to be that. It is relentless

Armchairanarchist · 18/07/2018 00:48

DH is a great dad but openly admits he finds babies boring and way too fragile, including when ours were young. We have one adult DS, DS (13) and DD(11) he is close to all three and loves being a father. It has nothing to do with laziness because he was very hands on and happily took each out as a baby to give me a break. He just didn't find them particularly interesting at that age.

Snowysky20009 · 18/07/2018 01:00

Both my ex dp's threw themselves into being a dad 101%. Taking them to activities, walks, swimming, bathing, feeding, changing etc. They would both rush home from work/university to spend as much time as possible with them. Even though they are now 18 & 14,they are still the same with them. They worship the ground they walk on, and have such strong bonds with them. Although it's still 'mum' they come to when unwell! Exdp2, even turned down a management position he was offered as it meant working finishing work 4 hours later than he was, and he didn't want want to miss the time with ds.

kimber83 · 18/07/2018 01:05

It's ok to be excited about different things... But this isn't men, it's your particular (crap) partner..

EvenThoughYouDidCHEAT · 18/07/2018 01:10

he said that men just aren't as emotive and excitable as women when it comes to children

100% not true in my experience and from what I see, not true in the experience of most of my friends either.

The male friends I have who are parents are all obsessed with the latest tricks their babies/toddlers get up to. Constantly sending whatsapp videos of them counting to 10 or kicking a ball or whatever.

Mumbun11 · 18/07/2018 01:17

It seems most of you have confirmed exactly what I was thinking from the get go

DistanceCall · 18/07/2018 01:21

If he prefers playing video games ALL THE TIME to playing with his child, you have a problem, OP.

Monty27 · 18/07/2018 01:21

Ah. Sounds like he wants to do the easy bits. And when you have done the hard stuff he'll take him out and get the medals prick

Shoxfordian · 18/07/2018 06:31

He's trying to excuse his shit behaviour by saying all men are like it but as you can see from this thread they're not

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