How to deal with stand-offish colleague

[SoShinySoChrome]

I am in a new team at work. Four men and one woman. They work together well and obviously as the newcomer I need to fit in. The guys are normal but the woman seems a bit short tempered with me.

Sometimes I will ask a question she has told me the answer to already and she will get huffy. E.g. if I say ‘I can’t see the excel file for X client, she will say ‘I already told you we log the results in the excel folder which is filed by month, not by client.’

Excuse me for breathing, it’s only day 3.

How can I try and ensure we have a good working relationship? She is good at her job however the rest of the team don’t get the abruptness because they are already fully competent at their jobs and she is aware I am learning the computer system they use.

For what it’s worth, I’m not younger or more attractive than she is, so I don’t think ‘female jealousy’ would be the reason she is like this. I think it is personality.

What can I do to improve relations. She seems to prefer to have lunch alone and has said no to any cups of tea I offered, so I don’t think suggestions along those lines would hit the mark.

Sometimes I will ask a question she has told me the answer to already and she will get huffy.
Bear in mind that she has her own job to do as well as answering your questions. If you've written down her previous answers then you won't be re-asking questions and she might be more inclined to be less-huffy. It's damn annoying if you're lumbered with training someone as well as your own job, and if they keep asking the same qs because they've not taken decent notes then it's worse. Totally different to if you're asking brand new qs.

So today was more of the same.

She snapped at me for not using the x envelopes for abc clients instead of the ones with a different return address.

How the fuck was I supposed to know that?

Every time something like that happens, just say "ok, but I haven't been told that before" so she is aware that you haven't bee trained in everything. Tbh I'd start keeping a log. If she carries on you may have to take it further.

Sounds stressful.

Who is meant to be showing you the ropes? Her?

How the fuck was I supposed to know that?

^ That needs to be your immediate response to her from now on.

She sounds like a right lazy cow. Training new staff takes effort, it sounds like she cba.

Don't let this fester, get her attitude nipped in the bud now before it becomes a wider issue for you at work.

I agree with failingat40. You have to tackle this face on and make sure you mention it in your probation review ( if you have one) as I can guarantee said employee will be saying to management what she feels you are not strong at.

Also some people are very protective over their jobs (which is a separate issue all together). The less competent she makes you look, the more valuable she will appear.

Are you scheduled to have a job chat with your line manager, after the first week/fortnight?

Was this colleague specifically given the task of training you and supervising you?

I think I'd start having a few prepared answers if this continues, such as:
'Should I ask someone else?'
'Is there a manual/SOP I can refer to?'
'Is the answer in a training file I can look up myself?'
'Can I schedule a time with you today to answer some questions I have?'
Just gently pushing back while making it clear you can't know everything and it is someone's job to show you, not for you to guess.

And email your line manager to schedule a job chat, if there isn't one planned.

Is she actually assigned to train you? Or are you just asking her because she sits next to you, or because she is the only female?

You need to ask this woman to clarify if she has been assigned to train you, or if the boss is useless and is just assuming she can train and maintain her own workload!

Or if the rest of the team are supposed to also be training you, but you're not asking them and they are not volunteering

Log log and log some more, even if for your own state of mind. Having been through similar I thought I was going crackers. It's not right and it's unprofessional - it's not you!

Massage the ego. 'You have been so helpful', 'I wouldn't have got through these first days without your support'' 'Thank you for all your help, but rather than take up too much of your time, can you recommend someone else I can ask?'

She snapped at you?!
She's your colleague not your boss. Nip that shit firmly in the bud.

Can I just throw in a PoV here?

I work in a specialist, technical role, in a field which is historically male-dominated.

In a previous role with a small company, another woman (whose job had nothing to do with mine) was taken on, and the assumption was that I would 'mentor' her, because I was a) female and b) er, female, I think.

My role at the time was project-based and I had a lot of quite high-pressured, time-sensitive tasks to complete (if I say I worked on sprint development, it's probably a clue as to what I do).

Said new employee was very nice, but she asked what felt like a thousand questions which I knew nothing about, and I found myself getting a bit testy because she, was to be frank, eating up a lot of time I didn't have. Of course I felt bad about it, because it was neither her fault or mine - it was bad management - but it was still annoying.

It's possible that your new colleague may find herself in a similar situation, so if I was you, I would go to my manager and ask for their help (without mentioning your colleague), or ask if you can be allocated a specific buddy or mentor.

Patriarchy at work is a thing.

Just sweetly ask her how long she has worked in the job, then say "must be nice to not remember what it's like to be new here then."

Fuck massaging her ego, she sounds like a grumpy cow. I wouldn't bother speaking to her unless absolutely necessary tbh.

Look, just don't give her any room to have a go. Take notes when you're shown how to do something so you don't have to ask again. If it's something you haven't done before eg 2 kinds of envelopes - ask first, don't assume. If it's an honest mistake eg you only see one kind of envelope and you haven't been told there are others for different circumstances then obviously she's being unreasonably stroppy and you are right to point out calmly that you hadn't been told that. Thank her when she does help you, no need for for any fake gushing though, and, conversely, if she's being unnecessarily snappy and obstructive feel free to point out you are still feeling your way and getting to know the system. If things don't improve by the end of the week definitely speak to your manager.

How much do you really need her to assist you in doing your job?

If its not too much I wouldn't bother too much engaging with her.

if you do need to work with her I would set up a meeting with her and talk about how your roles/processes interact with each other and how you can work well together (e.g. process improvements). Identify how your new role can help her better do her job.

Keep it very professional and try to understand what her motivations are (e.g. if she's threatened by you, how can you reassure her you're not after her job)

Much depends on who has actual responsibility to show OP the ropes.

"I can see I'm irritating you but it really is NOT acceptable for you to speak to me in that way. It's rude and hurtful and unhelpful. I'm grateful that you're sharing your knowledge and experience but please mind your tone when you speak to me."

If it happens again, email it to her.

If it happens AGAIN, go over her head.

@ThistleAmore

Thanks for the alternative point of view. It has given me food for thought.

1. I am back to my first full time job after years and am feeling a bit of imposter syndrome so may be hyper sensitive. They are saying I’m doing well but I feel maybe they don’t mean it.

1. For something like the envelopes there was no way I could have known. There’s a stationery shelf where headed paper, envelopes and complement slips stay. I’ve been using that all week. Then there’s a drawer with these special envelopes. As I aid, how could I have known.

I think she is annoyed because I have been foisted on her. The desk by her was empty and that’s how I ended up next to her and I think it is just a case of ‘get the person next to you to help’ and maybe a bit of the ‘women as helpers’ thing.

You need to clarify who is supposed to be training you.. Helping you settle in.. You could say you are not sure who to ask talk to your boss.. You don't need to mention her attitude at this stage.. I had a similar situation and it was hell even though there was just two of them. Try to ignore her remarks.. She can maybe sense you are unsure.. You mentioned the impostor syndrome.. And is using that to make herself look better..from my experience those people are the insecure ones. I'm wishing you luck.. I don't think she will get better. In the meantime what is everyone else doing.. Ignoring her? Is there no one who's realizing what's going on or are they just acting like it's normal?

Everyone is just getting on with it.
There is a procedures book, but it often does not have enough detail e.g. ‘if a client changes their order it needs to be updated on the system.’ Where, how, which folder to save in. etc.

I did ask ‘who should I go to with questions ‘ and he said himself or anyone in the team, however he is often in meetings/on the phone and I can’t interrupt that to ask where the excel folder for this or that is.

It sounds like a mix of her having to do your training because she's next to the Empty desk, and because your manager isn't available to properly onboard you. Crap for everyone involved.

I'd ask for a formal onboarding buddy. Tell them to assign you to someone who wants people management or training experience, use it as one of their objectives or something. Surely someone has the mix of availability and responsibility at your workplace? If not, that's what needs to happen.

Right, so it’s actually not her responsibility to show you the ropes - divide your Qs out to different team members, or schedule regular, 15 min sessions with your boss.

@kimber83 -

I'd ask for a formal onboarding buddy. Tell them to assign you to someone who wants people management or training experience, use it as one of their objectives or something. Surely someone has the mix of availability and responsibility at your workplace? If not, that's what needs to happen.

Solid advice.

I’ve had a talk. There’s been a sudden rush and of work meaning they can’t spare the time for the normal training. My boss spent 2 solid hours with me today and I feel so much more clear about things. Someone else brought me his old notes from when he started. It’s looking up.