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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to go outside more than once a day?

77 replies

PenguinBollard · 17/07/2018 11:26

A month ago I started a Nanny job looking after one little boy, he's just turned 6 months.
Mum is a SAHM and is with us most of the time, except when she goes out for lunch or is napping.

My hours are 24/6.

Baby sleeps well through the night but only has two 45 min naps during the day.
He's not allowed to cry or whinge and spends most of his time either being held and sung to, or actively being played with (dangling toys over his head etc).

We live on a property that can only be accessed by car, so there is no scope for walks without using the driver and Mum doesn't let us go out without her anyway.

We go out once a day, mid afternoon, for about one hour, usually a walk. As I work 6 days a week, this is my only time.outside which may well be clouding my judgement a little.

It's got to the point where I'm starting to climb up the walls with boredom/frustration. The Mum is expecting me to keep the baby actively engaged throughout the day (therefore I can't set him down to play or take him with me whilst I do something) and the baby will whine if he's not be actively played with so there's a large amount of just walking around with him singing.

AIBU to try and push for more time out of the house? Or am.i actually shit at my job, and should be thrilled to played with a baby for 10 hours a day?

OP posts:
NeatFreakMama · 17/07/2018 12:41

This would drive me crazy...so many hours unfilled stretching ahead of you! I couldn't do it, you are amazing for doing it this far :)

Verbena37 · 17/07/2018 12:42

penguin there are many aspects of PND and having the thread, I’d be surprised (as a trained PND support volunteer and doula) that the mum doesn’t have some degree of PND.

Is she sleeping in until midday to catch up from night feeds?
Can I ask why she is pumping for a 6 month old I feel she isn’t working? Is she planning to go back to work soon and if yes, the. I guess you’ll have much more freedom.

Snowspeckledeyelashes · 17/07/2018 12:43

Sounds like a weird creepy film to me. Poor child, he is going to grow up with some real issues if the mum doesn’t recognise this is not normal. Does she not have any friends with babies who come over so the baby has some interaction with other children? Is it always you, mum and baby? What happens at the weekends?

Verbena37 · 17/07/2018 12:44

Oh and the reason I said about possible PND is because of how clingy she isn’t to the baby and her level of stress about germs/danger etc. The misconception that mums with PND don’t care about their babies is very wrong. It’s often actually more time they spend with them than less.

Verbena37 · 17/07/2018 12:44

is not isn’t

thisisannc · 17/07/2018 12:53

I'd find this unbearable, however if you've tried suggesting doing things differently and your employer doesn't want you to, that's entirely her right. I don't think it's fair or professional to keep trying to change her mind about the way she wants her child raised.

Unfortunately I think you need to either do the job you're being paid to do, or give your notice to quit (which would be my choice!).

HyggeHeart · 17/07/2018 12:55

Is it her first? I was a bit weird with my first and did a lot of 'play', thinking I needed to keep them engaged, much more relaxed with my second Grin !
if she is anxious, maybe you should come at it from the benefits to the child, do you have any info on the benefits to a child of being outside/going for walks etc.?

Original poster
PenguinBollard · 17/07/2018 13:15

Can I ask why she is pumping for a 6 month old I feel she isn’t working? Is she planning to go back to work soon and if yes, the. I guess you’ll have much more freedom.

She never worked.
She's sleeping in because she wants to, there is honestly no sign of PnD. She goes to bed about 2 or 3 at night. I do the night feeds.
She pumps so other people can feed I think

OP posts:
ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 17/07/2018 13:21

Wow. Crazy how some people live. I would look for another job OP. Poor kid though.

PoisonousSmurf · 17/07/2018 13:24

Depends if the money makes it worth losing your mind!
Can't believe the mum gets the OP to do the night feeds.
Do you ever get to sleep OP??

Original poster
PenguinBollard · 17/07/2018 13:31

Depends if the money makes it worth losing your mind!
It really isn't. I've been in a similar job before and did everything I could to get the Mum to unclench a bit (she was even worse) and I ended up throwing in the towel after 6 months.

I just can't see how someone can feasibly actively entertain a baby for 10/12 hours a day. Certainly not for more than one day anyway.

I'll have a sit down chat with the Mum, rather than just bringing it up in conversation. I'm not holding my breath though because I so far she's had a lot of excuses for not going out more.

For those that asked, she spends five or ten minutes a time alone with the baby but generally when he's in a good mood and burbling away at her. She's never left the house just her and him, and she's always got the housekeeper or myself (or previous to me, the maternity nurse) close at hand.

I've got a lot of baby experience and related qualifications and she dismisses a lot of my input anyway, to be honest, her approach is "better safe than sorry" I think, but the safe involves overdoing a lot of protective stuff and not doing a lot of anything else.

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 17/07/2018 13:35

Yep! I'd give notice as well.

Hope you find a much better family soon Flowers

halfwitpicker · 17/07/2018 13:37

Fuck that op, just come home.

There's no libraries locally?! Nah.

Do you speak the local language?

halfwitpicker · 17/07/2018 13:38

Sounds very controlling and suffocating.

Original poster
PenguinBollard · 17/07/2018 13:38

Do you speak the local language?

Nope. And no chance of socialising at all as the hours are too long and we're really far from anywhere anywhere.

It's such a shame, I really want it to work as I genuinely like the parents.

OP posts:
user1499173618 · 17/07/2018 13:42

This is totally unworkable - I very much doubt the mother has PND, she is just from a completely different cultural background and her expectations of her life, her baby's life and your life are going to be so wildly different to yours that you will never be content.

Verbena37 · 17/07/2018 14:15

Ah ok I see penguin. So the lady isn’t fom the U.K. originally and it’s a totally different way of living.
Yes, I guess if she is going to bed at 3, it’s no wondering she lies in til midday.

I really feel for you. Your well-being as their nanny is really important. If you can change jobs, it sounds likely that you would be better off emotionally.

Original poster
PenguinBollard · 17/07/2018 16:47

Whilst I don't think the baby is being damaged by all of the attention, he's certainly reliant on being entertained (he is being actively engaged in something every waking moment) and will whine if put down. (Note: not cry, whine/grumble)

I will have a sit down convo with the Mum.
I'll use @Guardianreaderformysins phrasing and say that its really great that his first 6 months have been so close with Mum and carers, this is great for bonding and security. Now that he's old enough to be curious about his world, how can we ensure he's experiencing as much as possible?
At the moment, he is very reliant on being stimulated one on one and would benefit from more third party experiences where he's not the centre of attention, so he can not only learn independence but also take pleasure from things external to him.

If she presses against it, I'll mention that I too am struggling with being confined in the house for the majority of the day, my previous experiences have been a lot more active, and I notice that he is getting bored as he needs to be engaged in order not to whine.

If she still presses against it, I'll have to say that of course I'm not going to push for something she's uncomfortable with so its best that we contact the agency now as she is still within the period for a free replacement nanny and hopefully we can find a Nanny who is more comfortable being in a more isolating position.

OP posts:
Verbena37 · 17/07/2018 17:10

That sounds a positive way of going about it.
Is there a pool at the house or nearby you can take the baby to...either just you or with the mum?

LadyPeacock · 17/07/2018 17:26

Can you not take the baby out in the mornings before she gets up? Or are you actually not allowed to take him out on your own?

Tallace · 17/07/2018 17:33

If the baby is never put on the floor how will he develop motor skills? Is he rolling over yet? He wont learn these things if he is being carried all the time.

BarbarianMum · 17/07/2018 18:32

Not sure Tallace. In rural W Africa babies are carried/held the vast majority of the time. Rarely put down on the floor (dirty/parasites/fear of snakes) and they develop just fine.

Original poster
PenguinBollard · 18/07/2018 03:10

We're not in Africa.

Sorry if I was being confusing, the baby is put down he is just carried as soon as he starts to whine. So when he's in a good mood he'll spend 20 mins or so on his may but only if someone is talking to him directly and playing with his toys with him.

As soon as he starts to whinge, the only thing to do is carry him around in circles

OP posts:
Original poster
PenguinBollard · 18/07/2018 03:11

Can you not take the baby out in the mornings before she gets up? Or are you actually not allowed to take him out on your own?

Not allowed but there's also nowhere to go on foot, the property can only be accessed by car.

OP posts:
Kpo58 · 18/07/2018 08:37

Does your employer have friends with babies (with a garden)? Could they be visited to expand the baby's world?

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