To remind my mother she has other grandchildren?

[muz2017]

Semi light-hearted!

Niece is daughter of brother - golden child! My mum will phone me 'oh I love niece so much'. When I'm there with my DS, 'oh niece is the best baby in the world'. And on and on and on.

My friend says she doesn't do it on purpose so just take no notice but WIBU to tell her to STFU?!

if she is saying stuff in front of your son, I would have a quiet word as gently as possible. Some thing like, "Mum, I know you love your grand children just the same, but sometimes it comes across that DS is very much second best. I know you don't mean it that way but it hurts my feelings and I am worried it will hurt his." She probably doesn't realise she is doing it and probably says exactly the same thing abut DS in front of your niece. One of my friend's mums did this as it was just her way of speaking - she had no idea she was doing it and was horrified when my friend pointed it out.

Have you mentioned this to your brother? Maybe she does the same to him when talking about your DS.
I used to get annoyed about this with my DH's auntie, as she would gloss over anything we said and would constantly boast about other family members. Until I spoke to one of her granddaughters who is the same age as me, turned out when she was talking to her, she would constantly boast about us and our DS. She just loves to boast about all of us to each other.

Ha - no way does she boast about mine in front of the others. She has her favourites and we all know who they are!

I wouldn't be telling her gently, Id be telli g her straight out to shut it and keep it shut. Maybe you don't mind being the less favoured child but not everyone is like you. It may make your ds feel like shit.

Overt favouritism is awful.

@BarbarianMum I don't like it but I'm fatigued with always trying to change the dynamics of my family

Dont blame you - and actually, you probably can't. You can limit your contact - and your ds'- with its nastier members though. You may find that their treatment of him is the straw that ultimately breaks the camel's back, lots of us do.

Have you had the same experience @BarbarianMum?

I'd have to say something like " yes she is and what about your grandson? " in a way that isn't too serious but will get the point across.

I have gone virtually NC with my parents over similar behaviour. Nieces (daughters of golden child) can do no wrong, whereas mine gets referred to as 'that child' in his hearing. He is scapegoated for every misdemeanour that occurs while in the house with my nieces, even when they have been witnessed as instigators etc.

I try to say something about DS (dyslexic, dyspraxic etc) and get cut off with 'well Niece 1 did it so much better', 'Oh yes, Niece 2 did that last year'....

I don't take my sons to their house and avoid meeting DBro and my nieces if parents will be there. And I never phone home.

I tried to pull them up on it. It didn't make a blind bit of difference. Easiest to just avoid.

Any chance you could turn it back on her by gushing about how much your ds loves and adores his paternal grandmother and how wonderful she is with him and to him?

I detest this favouritism of a particular child and by extension the offspring of that child.

This has happened in my family too I tried talking to them about it but hasn't worked.

In the best interest of my kids I've limited contact I would love to go no contact but unfortunately can't.

Anyone who doesn't think my kids are equal to their cousins doesn't deserve to have my kids in their lives.

And OP it is actually very very hurtful.
Kids are innocent in all this it's very very wrong.

It's coming up to a year that my daughter last saw her grandfather and aunts and a year and half that my son's have seen them.

V perceptive muz. W me its my dad, db is the golden child and he's outwardly fond but really fairly indifferent to all his grandchildren. We've been v low contact for years and I'm currently in the doghouse because Ive banned my (violent abusive ) brother from seeing my kids (used to allow v ltd contact). My dad's willingness to put my not just me but my children in harm's way was kind of a last straw.

What I am getting at is that I was trained from childhood to accept emotional abuse and favoritism from my dad and I did pretty much. But when I started to see the same dynamic w my children that was when I realised how wrong it was. I am stronger for them than i was ever able to be for myself.

My DM once told me that the first grandchildren was always the most important (my niece).
She goes on and on about my niece and always has done to me all the time calling her by her name. But when speaking to me she often asks how are ‘the children’ Like she can’t even be arsed to remember or say there names. I reply by their names are both fine I can’t often be arsed to elaborate if she can’t remember or be bothered to say their names.
It can be difficult I have tried to go NC several times but at the end of the day she’s my mum and inspite if her faults I love her and I can’t cope with the guilt. Her parents and my dads parents were the same and I was the first grandchild on both sides and my dads family in particular were very dismissive of my younger brother and sister (which used to upset my mum, yet she behaves the same but can’t see it).

I have a golden child DB and his children are my DM's favourites too - it is hard, and I feel your pain. Each time I visit I get to hear all about how well my nephews are getting on at school/nursery, funny things they have done recently etc. - whilst she doesn't ask me a single question about my children. I've started going LC as I was worried that being so peripheral was affecting my DDs.

What annoys me more than anything though is that my GM had a golden child and it wasn't my DM. All my life I have heard about how unfair this was and how it affected my DM growing up, and in adulthood she probably only saw my GM once or twice a year as she ended up going LC too. Oh the irony...

All parents have favorites, they just learn to hide it well. By the time they become grandparents, they don't work as hard to hide their preference for certain grandchildren.

I have seen this over and over again. I think it is human to have favorites among children or grandchildren, but you should at least try to conceal it.

You can ask your mother to be mindful of this, and she may or may not comply. Either way, you will be aware of her favoritism even if you son is not. You can make a decision to go low contact or no contact, but carefully consider whether cutting family out of your son's life is beneficial or detrimental.

Go on about how great your dad is. See how yr mum likes it

She probably does the same thing about your kids with your sibling.

My Grandmother was like this. My Dad was the golden child be he had a daughter whist my Aunt had two sons. My Grandmother definitely favoured my cousins over me, she just liked the boys better for some reason.

I noticed it when I was quite young, 5 or 6, when I got presents I had no interest in or worse was allergic to because that's what my cousin had asked for and I just got the same. If the cousin who was the same age as me did something naughty I'd get the telling off because I didn't stop him And whenever I tried to tell her what I was doing at school/dancing/Brownies she'd stop me and start talking about how brilliant my cousin was at football.

It really annoyed my Mum as it upset me a lot growing up but my Dad couldn't see it. It contributed to me developing anorexia at 11 and dreading Christmas as for a variety of reasons she made it unbearable.

Definitely say something to her and if nothing changes before your DS is old enough to start noticing then limit/stop contact. Hope things improve

"All parents have favourites"
They really don't.

Not unusual, was your bro gc when you were younger too?

I've got the exact same thing - the patterns of childhood being repeated on the grandchildren. It's my parents are the ones missing out.

My sister is the gc, bro is invisible, I'm the sg. The grandchildren are treated by my parents according to what the parent was. Impossible to change people like this.

You can call her on it if you want, but chances are things may improve for a short while then slide back to the norm for your family (at best) or your child will be punished in some way for your dissension (at worst).

I'm vlc with parents and nc with sister altogether (in part due to how she treats the children).

"He is scapegoated for every misdemeanour that occurs while in the house with my nieces, even when they have been witnessed as instigators etc." I've had the EXACT same - dd has even been blamed for stuff that happened when she wasn't even present!! No! Not having that.

As a result dd hates aunt, is also nc with her (dd now adult her choice), doesn't much like grandparents either and rarely bothers with them. On the rare occasions she sees them she gets her ear bent how wonderful my sisters kids are! She'd maybe have more to do with bro & his kids if they lived nearer but they're a good distance away.

"Anyone who doesn't think my kids are equal to their cousins doesn't deserve to have my kids in their lives." Exactly.

"All parents have favourites"
They really don't.

They really do, even if they won't admit it to themselves.

All parents have favorites, they just learn to hide it well

My favourite changes daily

“All parents have favourites”

No they don’t.