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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry at my Father over a muffin?

53 replies

mollysmammy · 17/07/2018 10:37

My Dad comes round most nights for his tea (he is a vegan, and doesn't eat gluten, wheat, soya etc. - I think I've only ever seen him eat three different foods, he used to eat everything!) He's also one of those teetotalers (not a bad thing...) but my will he judge you if you have a glass of Pinot at the weekend...

I will mention my Dad helps out A LOT both financially and with me and DD.

I'm a vegetarian as is DD (6) (I'm not precious about it with DD, and she does have some fish).

I work and I'm a single Mum (with no help financial or otherwise from her Dad). She goes to gymnastics, horse riding, football, rainbows, ballet etc.) so we're always on the go, and pretty hectic!

However, I always make a home cooked meal (two separate meals - as DD doesn't like the only thing my Dad will eat - lentil pasta, organic olive oil and garlic with wilted spinach!)

Last night I cooked her a bean burger (no breadcrumbs, mind), boiled baby new potatoes, and roasted broccoli... BUT I put it on a WHITE Kingsmill muffin with goats butter (the horror - go on judge WHITE bread AND dairy... The shame!)

My Dad kicked right off. Pretty much screamed the house down, and told me I was a terrible parent, and wasn't surprised I was single, as no one would ever want me (perhaps I need to meet a man with a love of bread of the doughy variety..!). All because of this damn muffin. I was so upset and told him to leave, I'm now just fuming about it. She eats white bread at school for God's sake! He stated it was 'cheap' and she was living a lesser life because of me.

I grew up on a staple diet of chicken nuggets, chips, alphabetti spaghetti, with the occasional pizza or McDonald's thrown in. And I had a stay at home Mum, and he had a good job

Sorry for the rant(!!!) I'm just so mad Angry Angry Angry

#muffingate

OP posts:
averythinline · 17/07/2018 11:08

Your boundaries seem very low.... do you work? live in your own home
I would suggest reducing your dependence on your dad - yes its nice for dc to do activities but not essential...better that you can be the parent you want to be.... why are you cooking for him every night?
are ou is housekeeper...
there was a thread recently about a mum whose mother had completely undermined her with her daughter and the outcome was not great and she was having to completely move area/change schools as her dd no longer took any notice of her...will try and find it but you seem to be sleepwalking into a very poor relationship..

HarshingMyMellow · 17/07/2018 11:08

How did you have the restraint not to laugh at him when he created over a muffin? Grin
I wouldn't be able to contain it!

Seriously though, he sounds deranged. Reduce contact as much as you can.

Fadingmemory · 17/07/2018 11:09

Sympathy OP. It's nothing to do with a muffin but more his completely unreasonable desire to dominate, interfere and control. YANBU - he is. I am not sure someone so stuck in his own convictions is at all amenable to change his views but it would be perfectly possible for him to 'suck it up' and say nothing. And, I understand that he is helpful in some ways, but you are both aware of that and of the fact that if he withdrew his help, you might be unable to carry on with all the activities etc. Can only suggest that you call him on it every time. Remaining patient and calm is monumentally difficult in such circs (no, I am doing it this way, your way is fine for you but not for us etc etc). Breathe deeply and carry on.

hungryhippo90 · 17/07/2018 11:10

Haha I’m sorry, your dads a bit mad.

“Find a man with a love of bread of the doughy variety!”
Haha. Sorry. Serious now.... is he ok in himself?

trulybadlydeeply · 17/07/2018 11:18

He's got too much time on his hands, and I suspect that now he is living what he perceives to be an ultra healthy lifestyle, he is feeling a lot of guilt about the way you were brought up.

You are your DD's parent. You are an adult, and you need to distance yourself from your Dad. Do you see him every day? Stop giving him his tea, now. I think you need to tell in that they way he behaved was totally unacceptable, and that he needs to respect the choices you make for your DD. Drastically reduce the contact, until he finds other things to occupy his time. Is your Mum still about? I get the sense that he is on his own now. If so, I think he is making sure he makes you feel bad about yourself, that you are unworthy of another relationship and that you are a bad parent, just so you remain financially and emotionally dependent on him.

This is not healthy, OP. Stand your ground and distance yourself from this man. It's abusive behaviour, and it won't stop unless you do something about it.

BrownTurkey · 17/07/2018 11:20

Your dad sounds scared of food. Maybe control of food is psychologically making up for his loss of role but getting out of hand. Do you feel able to stop having him round for meals?

Original poster
mollysmammy · 17/07/2018 11:24

Not a troll...

Ironically, I suffered from anorexia as a teen, not down to him, I'd put some weight on and my Mum (who I no longer speak to - another story...) had put me on a diet of baked cauliflower, grated carrot, a bowl of peas, and if I was really hungry a small baked potato (no butter or cheese). She'd read her latest diet book (Arnold Ehrett - yup it's a real diet), so yes, we may (okay, do) have issues...

Hence why I never want to restrict DD, (I suppose apart from the vegetarian/ pescatarian thing - but that's mainly due in part that as I don't eat meat for health reasons I don't buy it, and have just gone off the idea of it - I have IBS - not exactly a walking example of a having a 'healthy' lifestyle! Sure she has chicken at school, but again I'm not precious about it).

He often takes DD to classes, as I don't drive, hence why he has his tea at mine.

I've had some turbulent relationships, which included violence from DD's alcoholic Father, so I guess he wants to protect us in that respect, if there was an award for 'over-protective' Father of the Year, he would get it (good in a way, and I love him dearly, but just need him to take a step back, and let me be independent, and not try to 'mirco-manage' my life - this was his job).

I just think this was an utterly ridiculous thing so be so angry about.

He's going through a divorce (from his wife of 37 years) so maybe that was it. Straws and camels and all that...

Perhaps it was never about the muffin.

(Sorry for the utterly ridiculous thread, reading it back, has just made me realise how trivial it must sound!)

OP posts:
Mookatron · 17/07/2018 11:27

It doesn't sound trivial at all actually. You are minimising it because you feel he's finally showing the love he didn't when you were a kid.

I've got a mad dad too, love. I'm telling you, back away, back away, back away...

MrsJayy · 17/07/2018 11:29

It really isn't a ridiculous thread though your father a grown man has 3 rotated meals has a proper go at you for putting your Dds burger on a white bun there really is no need for him to go nuts at you for that because it is none of his business what you feed your child his food issues are his problem not yours.

Phillipa12 · 17/07/2018 11:29

I love white bread.......with lots of butter. 😁

DancingDot · 17/07/2018 11:30

There are a few red flags in your post.

Your dad sounds very controlling. Of his diet, of you and of your daughter. Our relationships with the adults in our lives give us the blueprints for the relationships we are going to have as adults.

Your daughter is watching you be bullied, undermined and verbally abused in your own home. Her behaviour is already changing towards you. This should be enough for you to know that something has to change. Activities are great for a child so long as the basics are good too, but no amount gymnastics is going to make up for witnessing lots of conflict at home.

You need to get rid of the financial obligations and tell your Dad in no uncertain terms he is damaging your child. If he can't stop it, he won't see her.

BarbaraofSevillle · 17/07/2018 11:31

I can't see any protein in his lentil pasta thingy

Well, except for the protein in the lentils and pasta of course.

And that's not the point of the thread, it's the OPs DFs nutty orthorexia. Does he really only eat the lentil pasta spinach meal. Won't he eat anything else vegan and healthy, such as the bean burger, potatoes and brocolli to save you cooking two things?

DancingDot · 17/07/2018 11:33

p.s. Over-protective is on the same scale as controlling which is on the same scale as abusive. Like I said, the relationships we have with our parents and they have with each other can be the blueprints for the relationships we choose as adults. Think about that in terms of your own relationships. Do you want that for your daughter?

Maelstrop · 17/07/2018 11:34

Don’t let him control you, OP. I fear this is more about that than the food concerned.

Notevilstepmother · 17/07/2018 11:34

It’s not about the muffin.

He has lost control in his life (divorce etc) and he is trying to control yours to make himself feel better.

He has decided to control his life with control over his food and wants you to do the same.

You need to either disentangle your lives or put some pretty strong boundaries in place and be able to stick with them. Neither of these options will be easy. The alternative may well be a third generation with an eating disorder.

Speak to your DD and tell her in a polite and tactful way that Grandad has some very odd ideas about food, we love him but we don’t have to eat what he tells us.

Hadjab · 17/07/2018 11:36

Sounds like your dad is either hangry or has issues.

Or both.

Boulty · 17/07/2018 11:37

LOL

Wow he is batshit

PinkHeart5914 · 17/07/2018 11:38

So your dad gives you a load of money? You what they say your not given anything in life for free certainly not piles of cash! All the time you want to keep taking the money, only so much you can say really isn’t there?

Nothing wrong with the white bread of course, but if all your dad eats is
The lentil pasta then he obviously has food issues. Even being vegan you can eat a wide variety of foods.

notacooldad · 17/07/2018 11:40

Muffin aside the main thing your dad is teaching your DD is how to undermine and disrespect you.
You need to step up and reverse that attitude before it becomes normal to her.

Original poster
mollysmammy · 17/07/2018 11:40

Reading all your comments, I don't think I'll ever be able to look at a muffin and not laugh!

I know all this is partly down to me, as I have come to rely on him. When DD's Father moved out, he had drained the entire back account (maternity pay, the lot), and left me with a 4 month old and 7p to our names.

I was actually living 4 hours away from both my parents, and had little contact as I was busy with work, and then a baby (the occasional phone call, or text perhaps).

My Dad moved in to help pay the rent, bills, help with DD etc. (I can't say he's not been good!) as I was penniless.

I got my own property a year later after securing a job, was relatively independent met someone a few years later, and moved in, then that fell apart).

I think I need to distance myself from him somewhat, as many of you have said. I'll be 30 this year, I have a job, a child, friends, a roof above our heads, and still being treated like a little girl.

He's a fab Grandad, but I think he needs to realise she's MY Daughter.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 17/07/2018 11:43

First of all you sound a wounderful mum (and I wish I could come round to your ms for my dinner)!

Your dad is completely out of order. He’s testing your home and hospitality as a restaurant. Stop cooking 2 separate meals (I can’t stand pandering to fussy eaters). If he wants to join you in what you have eaten fine, if not he can cook himself. You aren’t running a restaurant.

It’s completely upto you what you give your daughter. If he doesn’t like it, he should keep his opinions to himself.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 17/07/2018 11:43

Either this is a windup or your Dad is having a mental breakdown. Telling you your child is living a "lesser life" because she ate a slice of bread?
If it's real; get him some help.

MrsJayy · 17/07/2018 11:44

Yes he does need to back off and I would start with not eating with him

AFistfulofDolores1 · 17/07/2018 11:52

This is so messed up, OP. Your own choice of partners is a mirror of what you experienced growing up, in one form or another. You're way too enmeshed with your father, whose behaviour - if it isn't already clear - is not normal at all.

Please, for your own sake, and that of your DD, find a way to step back enough to see what's really going on here, and to build some strong, healthy boundaries. This is not love: this is how "love" was modelled to you when you grew up, and your father is perpetuating that model. As are you.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/07/2018 11:53

Op you're 29 and your Dad has been married to not your mom for 37 years ado assume you were a second family that didn't break his first marriage.
Might be worth thinking through that any why don't have great judgement with men / poor boundaries.

You really need to look at becoming more financially independent and put some lines in the sand