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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I looking at this the wrong way

27 replies

CloverLeaf160 · 17/07/2018 10:12

My sister and I have (at least I assumed) been rather close to one another.

This week she is getting married, and I have not been invited. Her claim is that she wanted a small wedding which consisted of my mother and father and nan and grandad on her side, and her fiance's mother, sister and possibly father.

I was not told that this was her plan - I assumed I was invited - but was told by MY MOTHER that my brother and I weren't invited.

So, I have to actively ask whether there's a spot open for me to attend the wedding dinner as I was hurt I wasn't invited, and I personally don't see why I couldn't have been. Sure, we've had issues in the past, but we always got over them.

I am allowed to the dinner.

And then my fiance's sister invites her and me to the birthday of her daughter. I haven't seen my future sister-in-law in two years and would like to get to know her better since she will be part of my family. I agree to go, the hotel is booked and so are the train tickets - I then remember that it falls on the day of my sister's dinner + wedding.

I let my sister know that I double booked by accident and promise to pay whatever it costs to cancel my seat. She's upset because I'd rather go to the place where I was invited to rather than to where I had to invite myself. (At least thats how I see it)

Did I do something wrong? I feel a bit guilty, but I'm more annoyed that she doesn't seem to think I was hurt that a) I was not invited b) even more hurt that she didn't tell me and c) I had to invite myself to the wedding reception.

The way I look at it:

I'm canceling my appearance at a thing I had to invite myself to which was celebrating what I wasn't invited to, in order to be at a place where I am actively wanted.

Any tips or insight I'm failing to notice would be appreciated! Thanks, all! :)

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 17/07/2018 10:14

It's very odd that you weren't invired in tree first place. However I can kind of see it from her point of view, you were really keen to come, it was important to you but now you have a better offer?

Trinity66 · 17/07/2018 10:16

Oh that's a tough one, I mean in a normal situation your sisters wedding would trump pretty much everything, especially a childs birthday party but your sister is quite cheeky now to expect her wedding to come first for you when you're not even actually invited to the wedding just a dinner after that you had to ask her about

pippistrelle · 17/07/2018 10:18

Yes, on the face of it, you made a bit of a fuss to invite yourself to something and then changed your mind. She could easily think that you're making a point.

StealthPolarBear · 17/07/2018 10:20

Yes it seems a bit spiteful. But I'd argue not inviting you could have been spiteful too.

Readyfortheschoolhols · 17/07/2018 10:26

I would go where you are most wanted /welcome.
Your dsis is a cow btw.

Llanali · 17/07/2018 10:28

A tough one but I’d go where I was actually wanted too,

Neena23 · 17/07/2018 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StealthPolarBear · 17/07/2018 10:34

Even when you've kicked up a fuss and dragged an invitation out if her?

TheHulksPurplePanties · 17/07/2018 10:36

Jeez, this is a tough one! You're damned if you do and damned if you don't... Can you talk to your sister about why you weren't invited to the wedding in the first place? That might help clarify things.

pippistrelle · 17/07/2018 10:42

I don't think it's a tough one at all. Regardless of how the invitation was obtained, you have an invitation to your sister's wedding dinner. You accepted that invitation. Then a second invitation comes along. Of course you can't accept: you have a prior engagement.

pippistrelle · 17/07/2018 10:43

Except, of course, you did accept.

Original poster
CloverLeaf160 · 17/07/2018 10:55

It wasn't so much as an invite though. If I hadn't asked, I wouldn't have been invited. I wasn't aware of any future engagement that would coincide with my sister's wedding. To be honest, I didn't feel I was wanted since I had to ask. For all I know and judging from the character of my sister, she only said yes because she felt she had to, and is more annoyed she has to cancel one booking.

OP posts:
ConciseandNice · 17/07/2018 10:58

YANBU. Your sister hasn’t got a leg to stand on, especially as you’ve offered to pay for any expenses. Enjoy the other party!

3boys3dogshelp · 17/07/2018 11:07

This whole situation is strange! Why did your sister not invite you? Why did you insist on an invitation to the dinner when you knew you weren’t really wanted? How on earth did you forget about your sisters wedding after such a fuss had been caused? How important is a child’s birthday party if you haven’t seen them for two years?
It looks from the outside very much like you are making a (quite spiteful) point to your sister and making her wedding about you. I wouldn’t be impressed at all if I was her.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/07/2018 11:29

From your sisters pov:
She wanted an extremely small wedding. You muscled your way in. She accepted to be nice to you, even though she clearly didn't want you there, otherwise you would have been in the first place. She made all the necessary arrangements to get you in, possibly having to change a menu if it was a budget, possibly having to persuade her fiancée, whatever, we don't know. She did it all because it clearly meant so much to you, because people don't invite themselves to weddings unless they have good reason.
You then forget which day it was and accept an invite from a person you hardly know.
When you realise, it's your sisters wedding you decide to cancel, not the party.
Yabu, and I cant see how you don't see that.

OnlyBaBaBiss · 17/07/2018 11:35

Why would you invite yourself?! How embarrassing!

BunsOfAnarchy · 17/07/2018 11:40

According to the unwritten law of attending events, you agreed to attend sisters wedding dinner first. Therefore you should attend that and not your future SILS party.

That should be the end of that.

If you need more convincing;

  1. You made a fuss to get an invite then are looking to cancel after all that. This makes you look petty. REALLY petty.
  2. You deciding to go elsewhere also makes it out that the other event is more worthy of your time than your own sisters wedding dinner.
  3. Sisters own wedding surely trumps a future SILs party? Especially as you say youre close to your sister? Even if u were invited to sis wedding after accepting SIL invite, you'd go to sisters because...its your sister?

I understand you're pissed off at sister. She wanted a private wedding with next to no people. She most likely wanted the same at dinner. But now shes made provisions for you even when its not how she wanted her wedding originally, the least you can do is act grateful and appreciate shes included you.

Caribbeanyesplease · 17/07/2018 11:42

I can see why you weren’t invited in the first place

Original poster
CloverLeaf160 · 17/07/2018 11:56

Her reasoning for wanting a small wedding was because her fiance's siblings can't get on and fight. So, my sister thought it was fair to not invite two brothers that can get on.

I didn't muscle my way in - I didn't demand to be at the wedding; I asked her very nicely if I could go to the reception as I would still like to celebrate her wedding since I couldn't come to the ceremony. I asked her only once. If she didn't want me there then fine. But she should have said.

If she had said no, then fine.

Its true I don't know my future-sister in law as much as my sister, but since I am going to be part of her family, it seems to make sense to get to know her.

Sorry, I probably should have mentioned these things in the original post.

OP posts:
BunsOfAnarchy · 17/07/2018 12:01

But she didnt say no.

I still think your reasoning isnt fair. You can get to know your future sil on a day that your own sister isnt getting married.

YABVVU

Quartz2208 · 17/07/2018 12:02

Yes it does make sense but you had a prior engagement simply saying its my sisters wedding would have solved all of this

Why have you not seen your future SIL for 2 years

3boys3dogshelp · 17/07/2018 12:05

I don’t think anything you’ve added changes the fact that YABU. I can understand wanting to get to know your fiancées sister, but you can do that any time and it clearly isn’t pressing as you’ve not seen her for two years. Your sister’s wedding is that one day and you had already accepted the invitation.

SassitudeandSparkle · 17/07/2018 12:11

YABU. You wanted to go to your sister's wedding and asked if you could go to the reception. No way did you forget the date Hmm Then you 'accept' a secondary invitation to go to a party on the same day Hmm

If you were trying to make a point to your sister that you did get invited to other places, you've not succeeded here OP. Everyone will think that you have been very spiteful when you don't turn up to the wedding!

Caribbeanyesplease · 17/07/2018 12:15

The OP has just private messaged.
A sarcastic little number

My response “And it becomes even more clear as to why you weeent invited!”

Op. Do not PM again. If you have something to say, say it on this thread

arethereanyleftatall · 17/07/2018 12:29

Op, you seem to be upset I said 'muscled your way in.' The very reason I said that, was because your opening post is 'is there another way I should be seeing this?' So, I'm offering the other persons pov.
Anyone not agreeing with you, is doing exactly what you asked us to do!
You seem to only want people to agree with you, not present the possible other side.