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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP has done nothing for me since I got pregnant.

39 replies

TetherEnds · 17/07/2018 08:16

6 months pregnant. Live with DP. Baby very much planned and wanted.

I'm uncomfortable, have ligament pains, breathing isn't the easiest, struggling with this heat, can't sleep much, still working 40 hours a week, kicking baby keeping me awake at night, headaches (the list goes on).

I do MOST of the housework, I do school runs for his DSD as he isn't able to because of work, so basically, much more than my fair share.

He hasn't done anything for me since being pregnant. Not a thing. Bought me flowers once because I asked him too. Hasn't asked me how I am. Hasn't lifted a finger around the house (thinks occasional doing the washing up is enough). Hasn't asked if I need anything. The only time he was kind was when I thought I would have to have a termination, at which point he gave me a hug.

AIBU to think that this is not normal and that my DP should be wanting to give me a hand? I'm not talking about treating me like a queen and not letting me lift a finger, but... just acting like he cares a little?

He's a wonderful father to DSD so I'm hoping that this will be the case for our DC...

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/07/2018 08:20

Obviously Yanbu. Did he do stuff before you got pregnant?

Have you told him how you feel and how he can't carry on not doing his share?

Original poster
TetherEnds · 17/07/2018 08:22

GreatDuck he did, then he got more custody over his DSD and my hours allow for flexible working, so I take her to school (I have to work extra hours in the week to make up for this so am realistically working a 43 hour week). He used to help a lot around the house but seems to have become really lazy recently. I've talked to him about it so many times and I fear that he was only helping before because we had just moved in and he wanted a clean house. Novelty has worn off now and I'm stuck with a bloke who goes to the gym every other night (fine) but can't manage to do any housework.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 17/07/2018 08:23

If he wants to be a wonderful father, he should have started long ago! Letting you do everything isn’t on.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/07/2018 08:26

Hmm. He's being very unfair isn't he? Fast forward to when the baby is born and you're on mat leave, you're going to be left to do everything it would appear.

Time for an ultimatum I think.

BentOutOfShape · 17/07/2018 08:29

Have you really told him, or just occasionally mentioned it. Can you schedule a proper talk. I'm shine how things will be after you have the baby?

CambridgeAnaglypta · 17/07/2018 08:29

But he should be treating you like a queen.

Original poster
TetherEnds · 17/07/2018 08:35

I think an ultimatum is needed. It's very hard approaching a man who doesn't listen. I'm not scared of him but I'm scared of his sarcastic angry response that I'll probably get. I tend to then tell him about these things over text because I'm so worried about his response and being shut down and ending in an argument, he tells me I should be able to talk to him (yeah right) then gets arsey over text because I didn't speak to him face to face (can't see why I'm scared to).

Ok this is a whole other issue but may be why he hasn't got the point yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
TetherEnds · 17/07/2018 08:36

Sorry, that's a whole other issue. I'm just in a mess and completely struggling as I have no help, or compassion.

OP posts:
FlyingDandelionSeed · 17/07/2018 08:39

So he put he effort I until you were pregnant (and will now find it harder to leave him) and now shows his true attitude (i.e you are the woman, you do all the shit work).

Where have I heard that before?

Ah, yes, countless MN threads. Sigh.

The only solution is to tell him to pull his weight or you will leave as you aren't prepared to bring up your baby in a house where you are the skivvy. And actually leave if he doesn't change sharpish. Good luck.

TheFaerieQueene · 17/07/2018 08:40

If you are scared to talk to him, you have much bigger issues than a bit of housework. It really isn’t going to improve with a tiny, needy baby in the mix. I’m very sorry you are in this situation. I would be looking at an alternative if I were you.

AuntieStella · 17/07/2018 08:43

"But he should be treating you like a queen"

I think that's a bit of an over-romantic way of looking at it.

But he should be alert to changing household needs and actively engaged in working out how these are best met.

As he has not taken the initiative in this, then you need to start the conversation. That is annoying, but if he then fully engages in that conversation, it's not so bad.

However, your description of how he reacts is not good. I think you need to spend some time working out your thinking on this (with help of a counsellor, perhaps). What sort of future do you want? What sort of family life? Is he remotely capable of, or interested in, that sort of life? I don't mean mapping every detail, rather establishing if you have enough of a similar outlook.

AuntieStella · 17/07/2018 08:45

And I meant to add, never give anyone an ultimatum until you are sure you mean it, and you can stand the consequences. Time now to sort out your thinking may well pay off.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/07/2018 08:45

It's time to leave him. You can't talk to him face to face because you're worried about his response? So text him instead!

Can you not see how that alone is wrong OP? Anyone in a loving relationship should be able to sit their partner down and talk to them without being scared. Add his lazy arse attitude on top of this and what have you actually got here?

DancingHipposOnAcid · 17/07/2018 08:50

At the very least he should be taking responsibility for his own DD. This includes making arrangements for getting her to school in the morning. If his working hours don't allow him to do this he either changes his hours to suit or finds a childminder to do wrap around care. Just like other parents do.

endofthelinefinally · 17/07/2018 08:52

Well he has got you exactly where he wants you. Sad
You have got the responsibility for looking after his child, doing all the domestic work, working full time and bringing in money. Now he has taken away your choices and control over your body and future.

I doubt he ever intended to be a good partner and father.

I am so sorry OP.

53rdWay · 17/07/2018 08:52

I'm not scared of him but I'm scared of his sarcastic angry response that I'll probably get.

That’s really not good. You deserve way better than that.

Do you have friends/family close by in real life that you trust to confide in? You must feel pretty lonely.

ineedaholidaynow · 17/07/2018 08:58

I assume if he is going to the gym every other evening he is expecting OP to look after DSD, unless those are the days you don't have her staying.

But as others have said you have a much bigger issue if you are scared to talk to him.

Babdoc · 17/07/2018 08:59

I wonder why his previous marriage broke down. A discussion with the ex might be very illuminating!
OP, I’d be very concerned that his behaviour has deteriorated since you became pregnant. It’s, sadly, characteristic of abusers that they begin their abuse once their partner is pregnant, vulnerable and trapped in the relationship.
The fact that you are already scared of talking to him about your needs is a whacking great red flag.
I think you need help to deal with all this before you become his servant, house skivvy, and carer for dsd, which sounds like the role he is grooming you for.

clippityclock · 17/07/2018 09:00

First off I'd stop taking his DD to school and tell him to sort his own hours out. Then I'd stop cooking/cleaning/washing for him and his DD.

I have no idea why women become doormats for men. You are working more hours because he can't take his DD to school and he is refusing to help/being too lazy to help around the home but has the time and energy to go to the gym every other night. Any idea why his last relationship broke up with the mother of his DD?

He sounds like a selfish prick who was nice until he got you chained to the kitchen sink. Stand up for yourself and do not be bullied by his responses to your very reasonable requests.

Doyoumind · 17/07/2018 09:05

Having been in this position I cannot see how this is going to improve once the baby arrives. In his mind you will be home all with plenty of time to do everything around the house. He went for more custody but could only do this with you changing your life around? He's taking advantage.

What is it that makes him a great dad at the moment? How involved was he early on with his DD?

Do you know how the relationship ended with DSD's mum?

His response to criticism sounds like the kind deliberately designed to control the situation.

speakout · 17/07/2018 09:06

OP stop facilitating this.

Seriously.

endofthelinefinally · 17/07/2018 09:07

OP, this must be painful and upsetting to read.

This situation comes up time after time on MN. It is so common that MNers know the script immediately.

Please don't take everyone's comments as being critical of you - you are not the first, and won't be the last , to be deceived by a selfish, manipulative man.

You will get lots of support and good advice on here.

Read the sticky post at the top of the relationships board. I think it is called "Listen up everybody".

endofthelinefinally · 17/07/2018 09:10

Ask MN to move your post to relationships and you will get loads of help and support.
AIBU is really not a good place to post going forward.
You have had good advice so far, but really, get it moved asap.

LovingLola · 17/07/2018 09:12

Are you financially independent? Do you jointly own the house you live in?

Stefoscope · 17/07/2018 09:14

YANBU. Does he have a plan for after the baby's born or is he still expecting you to do the school run for his DD with a newborn in tow? Can he afford to pay for a cleaner/childcare if he's not prepared to step up and do his share?

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