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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband thinks my mum or his mum should help out with new baby

53 replies

summerloving33 · 17/07/2018 00:04

I don't know why I brought this up tonight with OH but it's after putting me in bad form and I need to vent a little. Am I bu or not.
I'm pregnant and due to have a c-section late November. It is my third baby. My other children will be 18 months and 6. My husband usually takes two weeks off work for the birth but is only taking a week on this baby as he wants to take the second week of his holidays over Christmas which I understand and support as it makes more sense however I mentioned to him I wouldn't be very happy about him heading out with the lads the same amount as he would normally over December as if he's off work at the weekend he should be helping me especially so soon after the section. His reply was I don't see why you recovering should stop me from going out and it's up to you to ask for help from your mum or my mum as you can't always rely on me to do everything and other people's mums help them so why can't you just accept help. When I asked him how I rely on him he brought up how when I had my last section he was due to go into work for one day two days after the section but I had a very bad night being sick and asked him could he pop by the hospital for an hour or two before heading into work my mum or his mum wouldn't have been allowed in so early plus my mum was minding ds for me and his mum had been at a family birthday the night before. He decided to take the day off when he saw me, his choice and I never asked him. AIBU to think his mum or my mum shouldn't have to step in and help me with the baby so he can go spend some time with the boys in the pub? I also argued with him that it's not like I can have a night out so soon after the birth not that I'd want to anyway and his response was that's not my fault. On my last baby he went out 3 times when dd was only 2 weeks old with one of those times being an overnight stay in his mums.

OP posts:
teaandtwigs · 17/07/2018 00:07

Well he sounds like a selfish twat. Too right he shouldn't be getting his mum to help so he can go drinking, and his mum shouldn't be facilitating it either. He's a man child, not a partner.

KC225 · 17/07/2018 00:09

And you chose to have a THIRD one with him.

Its his child, his responsibility, the fact he doesn't want to be there must be hurtful for you OP.

Maelstrop · 17/07/2018 00:11

Hugely old fashioned ideas he has! Is he living in the 1950s?

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 17/07/2018 00:13

Wow!! How did you see through that thick fog of selfish to create another child with him?

pallisers · 17/07/2018 00:13

His reply was I don't see why you recovering should stop me from going out and it's up to you to ask for help from your mum or my mum as you can't always rely on me to do everything and other people's mums help them so why can't you just accept help.

It's women's work isn't it. Doesn't matter what woman as long as it isn't him.

I'd be seriously annoyed at this. More about what it says about his feelings of responsibility to rearing children than anything else. When I had my first I couldn't be left alone. My parents (and my dad was as much help as my mum) came and then my lovely MIL - because dh HAD to go back to work and I needed help. He certainly wasn't going on nights out.

I'd be so fucking tempted to walk out of the house when the baby was 2 weeks old and leave him to it for the night saying "why doesn't your dad help you" except of course a woman would never do that to her baby.

He is an arse - sorry.

BunsOfAnarchy · 17/07/2018 00:21

Sorry OP but wtf?! Is he for real? His mum and your mum should help out but not him...the dad?!

What century is this? Why is it your sole responsibility? I just cannot for the life of me understand men like this. He cant be there to help his newborn. He cant be there to help his wife/partner. Sorry but what a waster. A sexist one at that.

Hugs OP x

coconutpie · 17/07/2018 00:23

Can't always rely on him to do everything? He is the child's father FFS!!! He needs to fucking step up to his responsibilities. It is not the responsibility of your mum or his mum to look after you and baby straight after birth - it is his!

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/07/2018 00:34

Obviously he’s unreasonable, but this can’t be a surprise can it? What are you hoping for from this thread? Some righteous anger to help you change things, or just a place to vent so things can keep going the same way?

Bibesia · 17/07/2018 00:35

Tell him to grow up and learn what being a father involves. Clue: it doesn't involve palming your parental responsibilities off onto your female relatives.

Kumanaay · 17/07/2018 00:39

So sorry OP. He sounds like a dead beat.

BarefootMe · 17/07/2018 00:46

Show him the above answers. He sounds unbelievably selfish and immature. Good luck Op and fair to say Mumsnetters are on your side I think!

AngelsSins · 17/07/2018 03:50

Why did he want kids if he doesn’t want his life to be inturupted by responsibilities at all? He’s a pathetic child, and a worse excuse for a father.

applesisapple5 · 17/07/2018 04:12

'if he's off work at the weekend he should be helping me especially so soon after the section.'

Nope, he shouldn't be 'helping' you, he should be PARENTING his children.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/07/2018 05:00

I cannot believe he brought up coming to see you in hospital when you were poorly after major surgery and his subsequent decision to take the rest of the day off as unreasonable.

I don’t know if I could get past this attitude. Is he normally this inattentive and is there a back story? Eg your pregnancy was unplanned and he didn’t want the baby. He sure as hell isn't interested in attending to his children’s basic needs.

I find his behaviour very troubling. He’s being emotionally abusive and if he doesn’t change I’d say neglectful.

I’ve just had a very nasty hysterectomy. It was a very large vertical cut, which traditionally has a longer recovery time than your c section cut but both are major surgery. I assume your husband worked whilst you were in hospital so when he goes back you will be about 9 days post partum. I couldn’t imagine my dh leaving me with a baby approximately 9 days after my op. It just wouldn’t have happened.

And yes, having the time off over Christmas would be nice and all that. But you need him with you now not going out on the lash.

I feel so sorry for not just you but your children as well for having this man as their parent. Please don’t have any more children with him. He really doesn’t care enough about any of you.

Pittcuecothecookbook · 17/07/2018 05:04

Does he not qualify for paternity leave? Why is he taking annual leave? And yes, agree with other posters. It's his child, he needs to parent them, not his mum.

JennyBlueWren · 17/07/2018 06:48

to start with I thought YWBU as it would be useful to have an extra pair of hands to help look after you, the children and the house once he's back to work but not HIBU to use this to go out. How does his mum feel about this? I know my MIL would have something to say if DH did that!

restingbemusedface · 17/07/2018 07:12

This is a classic example of ingrained sexism - women all expected to stay at home and look after the kids while dad...goes to the pub?!

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 17/07/2018 07:34

Why on earth have a second or third with him?

Glumglowworm · 17/07/2018 07:52

He sounds like a right catch Hmm

He is equally the parent of the three children. His mother and your mother are not. Why should you rely on grandparents just because one waste of space parent wants to act like he doesn’t have kids at all?

LagunaBubbles · 17/07/2018 07:55

he's off work at the weekend he should be helping me especially so soon after the section

Er no the baby is his to, its not a case of "helping" but being a parent. Surely you know what he's like by now and yet you chose to have another child with him? More fool you, these men never change.

blackbirdbluebottle · 17/07/2018 07:59

He doesn't sound like he wants the kids, he just wants to escape from them! I think he is being very selfish! You should let him babysit on his own and go out with his mum and your mum and make sure he babysits on his own!

MollyHuaCha · 17/07/2018 09:19

He is BU.

Would you consider taking him along to an antenatal appointment and bringing up the subject in front of the midwife to see her opinion? She would be sure to agree with you.

Sometimes people pay more attention to professionals in uniform!

hibbledibble · 17/07/2018 09:23

Wow. You say he is saving a week of holiday for Christmas. What about statutory paternity leave? Is he not planning on taking any?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 17/07/2018 09:28

He sounds like a twat.

SoyDora · 17/07/2018 09:29

Surely he showed these ‘selfish twat’ tendencies before you had children with him?

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