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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband thinks my mum or his mum should help out with new baby

53 replies

summerloving33 · 17/07/2018 00:04

I don't know why I brought this up tonight with OH but it's after putting me in bad form and I need to vent a little. Am I bu or not.
I'm pregnant and due to have a c-section late November. It is my third baby. My other children will be 18 months and 6. My husband usually takes two weeks off work for the birth but is only taking a week on this baby as he wants to take the second week of his holidays over Christmas which I understand and support as it makes more sense however I mentioned to him I wouldn't be very happy about him heading out with the lads the same amount as he would normally over December as if he's off work at the weekend he should be helping me especially so soon after the section. His reply was I don't see why you recovering should stop me from going out and it's up to you to ask for help from your mum or my mum as you can't always rely on me to do everything and other people's mums help them so why can't you just accept help. When I asked him how I rely on him he brought up how when I had my last section he was due to go into work for one day two days after the section but I had a very bad night being sick and asked him could he pop by the hospital for an hour or two before heading into work my mum or his mum wouldn't have been allowed in so early plus my mum was minding ds for me and his mum had been at a family birthday the night before. He decided to take the day off when he saw me, his choice and I never asked him. AIBU to think his mum or my mum shouldn't have to step in and help me with the baby so he can go spend some time with the boys in the pub? I also argued with him that it's not like I can have a night out so soon after the birth not that I'd want to anyway and his response was that's not my fault. On my last baby he went out 3 times when dd was only 2 weeks old with one of those times being an overnight stay in his mums.

OP posts:
Floppyspanielears · 17/07/2018 09:38

He is incredibly selfish and immature. Does he feel pressure from his friends? Very sorry for you.

Mousefunky · 17/07/2018 09:45

Why can’t he take annual leave at Christmas instead?

If you were to have a normal vaginal delivery I would think you’d be fine after a week but he obviously doesn’t realise the severity of a c-section. He’s being a selfish twat.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 17/07/2018 09:47

What are you hoping for from this thread? Some righteous anger to help you change things, or just a place to vent so things can keep going the same way?

^this. He's a twat. You know he's a twat. What are you going to do about it?

Claire90ftm · 17/07/2018 09:58

Wow, he makes me appreciate how wonderful my fiance is even more! Sorry, OP, but he's being an immature dick.

lifetothefull · 17/07/2018 10:05

Two weeks off work presumably is for paternity leave rather than holiday. He should be taking it at the time when he his most needed as a father.

ferntwist · 17/07/2018 10:08

YANBU. He’s being unbelievably selfish opting out of his responsibilities and having the cheek to foist it all on your mum or his instead. He’s the daddy, he needs to support you and bond with his own baby, not go out on the town.

Toohotme · 17/07/2018 10:08

So he’s already planning his Christmas nights out and putting them before you?

beeefcake · 17/07/2018 11:23

Wow he sounds like a prized twat.

I would send a message to both your DM and MIL and say "DH has requested that I ask you to come round and help so that he can go out with his mates over Christmas, would this be OK?"

Trinity66 · 17/07/2018 11:27

Sorry OP but I couldn't stay with a man with that kind of attitude nevermind have 3 kids with him

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 17/07/2018 12:27

I also argued with him that it's not like I can have a night out so soon after the birth not that I'd want to anyway and his response was that's not my fault.

Um, yeah it is his fault, it's his fault you're pregnant, you didn't get pregnant alone. What a bastard.

crazychemist · 17/07/2018 12:28

I'm not sure the "he's a twat, why have you had three kids with him" comments are helpful! The OP needs MORE support from him, so,a LTab is not a helpful point.

OP, you say you need to vent, so go ahead. YANBU, he is.

Does he not qualify for paternity leave for some reason?

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 17/07/2018 13:32

The OP needs MORE support from him, so,a LTab is not a helpful point.

Yes, the OP needs and deserves more help from him. She's not going to get it, though, is she? Because twats, like leopards, don't change their spots.

Short of implanting a chip in his brain, the choices with a man like this are a) accept it b) change something yourself, preferably your presence in the relationship.

SilverySurfer · 17/07/2018 14:00

What a prince among men. I can totally see why you decided to have a third child with him Hmm

GabriellaMontez · 17/07/2018 14:04

Sorry but your problems here are so much more than 'should your mum lend a hand' that I don't know where to begin.

I think a long term plan of how to ltb would be on my 'to do' list.

RLOU88 · 17/07/2018 14:08

Okay, I won’t rely on you darling. Now pack your bags and go and rely on your mum for the foreseeable.

Pittcuecothecookbook · 17/07/2018 14:21

lifetothefull

Paternity leave doesn't work like that though, you can't split it up so the weeks can only be taken consecutively. He is either only taking 1 week when baby is born or not taking any and using annual leave. Does he not qualify OP?

Original poster
summerloving33 · 17/07/2018 15:58

Thanks everyone for your replies. He would qualify for paternity leave however there would be a massive shortfall in his wages something we can't do without. I always hear he other wives never mind for example Brian's wife didn't mind him going out when she had the baby and she just got her friends/family over to give her a hand ect. This might be great for some women but I find having my mum and his mum around me more stressful as his mum wants to do everything and try take over then tells people how she did this and did that and my mum will only visit if she can get a lift out and back which isn't feasible if I can't drive plus it is not their responsibility. One of them will already be minding the other two children when I go into hospital which is a massive help but they shouldn't have to commit to the first two weekends in December so he can have his boys nights out so as to not look under thumb. Will see what he says later but glad to know I'm not bu expecting him to prioritize me and the kids over his night out this year.

OP posts:
PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 17/07/2018 16:01

He's a dickhead. It's lovely if grandparents help but the people who have actual responsibility for the child are the parents. He seems to think it's your baby to look after and anything he does is out of the kindness of his heart.

flowery · 17/07/2018 16:05

”he's off work at the weekend he should be helping me especially so soon after the section”

There’s your problem right there. Those are your words not his, so it seems both of you see parenting as your job, and the debatable point as being how much help you need/will get with your job.

It’s more fundamental than that, and unless/until both of you see parenting as a joint venture this argument will just keep coming up.

FermatsTheorem · 17/07/2018 16:07

Fucking hell, he's a right catch, isn't he?

I can rely on MN to throw up at least two threads a week that make me really glad to be a single parent. This week, yours is one of them. Sorry about that, OP.

Sausagerollers · 17/07/2018 16:12

If I've read your OP correctly, he was a shit partner & father after you had your first DC, a shit partner & father after you had DC2, but now you're surprised he's being a shit over DC3?
How many times do you need him to show you that he's a shit, before you will believe that he's a shit?
You are worth better than this you know, don't settle for so little.

Heatherjayne1972 · 17/07/2018 16:13

Are you married to my exh identical twin op?
It doesn’t get any better

I got fed up with ‘it’s not my fault’ being his default answer to everything
I divorced him in the end
It’s much much better alone

timeisnotaline · 17/07/2018 16:19

*Sorry but your problems here are so much more than 'should your mum lend a hand' that I don't know where to begin.

I think a long term plan of how to ltb would be on my 'to do' list.*

^^this.
In the meantime you should go away with friends for a weekend or two and get out as much as possible leaving him to it before you are very pregnant or baby comes and it is much harder. He doesn’t care about how you feel or pull his weight - time to balance it out. While planning a future without him because it’s hard to see this man changing. Selfish twunts who think he’s too special to look after his children or his wife after she’s given birth to them tend to stay selfish twunts.

LagunaBubbles · 17/07/2018 20:41

not sure the "he's a twat, why have you had three kids with him" comments are helpful! The OP needs MORE support from him, so,a LTab is not a helpful point

Of course they are helpful... otherwise she will go on to have even more children in all liklihood. Now she might be willing to put up with a crap relationship but it's not the children's fault they will be exposed to it.

YesitsJacqueline · 17/07/2018 20:44

He sounds like my ex. Let anyone look after his kids as long as it isn't him . Selfish and lazy

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