To think some MN-ers can be mean

[Bumble1830]

Why do some people on here find the smallest flaw in your post and focus on it? I've asked for advice a few times on here, I can take criticism if I've done wrong, but some are just plain mean. It's like they get a kick out of winding people up.

I've always been told if I haven't got anything nice to say, say nothing at all doesn't really apply when the poster goes on to the internet because they want the honest truth though.
Even trivially - say 'Baby name threads', the very point of asking an internet forum, is so you find out what "the general public" actually think. If you want people to go "Oh, that's nice" or make positive noises with neutral comments like "Oh, that's unusual, where did you hear that?", then ask your friends, or colleagues. If you want to know what people really think, then ask on the internet.

I'm not disagreeing that there can be some nasty comments on MN, However, when I see one, it is always followed up by other posters calling them on it, and / or reporting it.
But there are an awful lot of posters who cry 'stop being nasty' when nobody has been nasty, people just haven't agreed with them, or given them the response they were obviously fishing for. That isn't 'being mean'.

Nobody should feel forced to go elsewhere because some people have their heads up their own superior arses.

Who’s forcing anyone to go anywhere?

Posters whinging about people being mean and nasty to them happens week in week out.

We’re all adults. Mumsnet and other forums are a mixed bag of content and posters. You don’t learn about new things or change your perspective if you live in an echo chamber. But it’s all entirely optional. Don’t like it then you’re not obliged to use it.

Some people can be breathtakingly awful, on and offline. You take the good with the bad.

Netmums is too hubz and bubz for me so I don’t use it. MN can be refreshingly honest. That can come with a side of brutal. Thankfully the internet is pretty big and there are forums for everyone.

If you don’t genuinely want any replies other than nice ones then, like others have said, don’t post.

“Don’t be meeeeean” is very childish. “MN is full of horrible people”, well you won’t change people or this forum by moaning about it so if it’s not a good fit for you then you really don’t have to hang around.

But why does being honest, about a baby name for example, mean you have to be cruel? You could just say... Ooh OP, I really don't like that name. Not.. Omg OP what are you thinking you freak, (or something similar). You can't honestly tell me that's how those people would speak in real life? Or do I really live with my head in the clouds?

Someone came on a thread I’d started about a delicate topic, specifically to call me a “sanctimonious upstart” and suggest I “jump in a lake”. Literally their only input, despite pages of interesting, nuanced discussion (and carefully worded, kind posts from me!).

Honestly, you’ve got to laugh. That muppet would never DARE say that to anyone in real life, and clearly has nothing valuable to add to real conversation. I decided they’re being a loser, and now DH and I regularly remind each other to “jump in a lake”! 😂

Got to remember most mean people are hiding behind a keyboard and wouldn’t say boo to a goose. Their comments should be ignored. Focus on the positive :)

Totally agree, it's the over the top replies that I find mean. People can disagree in a polite way, it is possible! For example, I could say 'oh my god anne, who has actually said anything that childish here, have you actually read the comments?!? ' or I could say 'I think what people take offence to is the unnecessarily aggressive tone of some posters'...

I didn't say anyone was being forced. I said people shouldn't have to feel forced. It's different.

In certain scenarios the level of bitchiness is unreal and smothering.

It's different to honesty and nothing to do with living in an "echo chamber".

Over the years I've seen some mean post, but then MNHQ pulls them. The overwhelming majority of complaints about meanness have been by posters who don't like being disagreed with and/or start threads on AIBU on topics that should elsewhere.

I didn't say anyone was being forced. I said people shouldn't have to feel forced. It's different.

People are responsible for their own feelings.This he/she made me feel, etc. bedevils MN and RL. This is counselling 101 - you own your own feelings.

I don't really think it's like real life though. If someone in a workplace consistently made condescending and ott remarks they would either be pulled up on it, not be invited to meetings, not be put in client / customer facing positions and generally be deemed to have no people / diplomacy skills. Similar to a social situation, if you had a friend who has constantly patronising to everyone and completely lacked tact or empathy you would ditch them.

YANBU. I am a nice person and only want to connect with other nice, , kind people

Totally agree they can get downright nasty.

There was a recent thread abt a woman's secondary infertility and she got torn to bits when they all realised she had a child already awful behaviour towards somebody already in fragile state.

It reflects life

Some people are cunts

They're weak people who don't have any kind of influence in real life. It happens on all anonymous forums though.

Forums where 'outing' isn't seen as the end of the world create a fabulous community where people help each other.

Well assuming MN reflects the range of personalities in real life it’s surely hardly surprising that a minority of people are not nice. And yet there are regular threads on here complaining about it. (I would use the face here, but no doubt you’d think I was being mean).

Every forum has a certain “feel” and MN is certainly less warm and fuzzy than some - which is precisely why I like it. You don’t have to be here long to realise that violating MN “conventions” eg using hun, or hubby, or putting xx at the end of a post will attract negative comments. If people don’t like that it seems more sensible, as AnnLovesGilbert said, for them to find somewhere with more like-minded people than try to change MN.

I see what you're saying gin but I think that applies mainly to AIBU and a few other areas of the forum, like I said I avoid starting threads on AIBU now. I've seen, sent and received lot's of 'xx's and 'hope you're oks' on other area's of site like pregnancy, etc, so don't think that's necessarily against MN convention. Maybe a guide for newbies should be a) don't post in AIBU for at least a few months of lurking so you know what you're letting yourself in for b) if it's a sensitive topic for you and you need real advice go to a more specific topic area?

Yes I agree that if you are posting about something sensitive don't come to AIBU.

I think sometimes people suffer because a thread becomes trending and is therefore picked up by the AIBU crowd, who don't know it is eg in relationships and start being nasty.

I don't think a post being in AIBU means you can be nasty but people will always be more "robust" there. There's never any need to be personal or tell someone they are being awful though.

I guess IRL you can vet the people you interact with to a certain extent, so you can avoid those that you really dislike, while here you can´t do that.

Some posters do come on to AIBU to be nasty and give the OP a good kicking. They are tedious and pitiful. Imagine being so insecure in yourself that you have to kick someone who is down on an online forum to feel good about yourself. Don't take their responses personally, just roll your eyes, laugh and focus on posters who have something sensible to say.

There should be a sticky on AIBU stating that anyone who feels vulnerable should think twice about posting there.

But then again if someone is a regular here they will know what a twatty place AIBU is and should choose the appropriate section instead of posting in a place where they know there will be a lot of responses.

Chat is better.

Ah, a 'you're all bitches' thread (again)

If you con't like the style of MN, then there are lots of other places where you could post.

And the whole damned point of the Baby Names topic is to say the opinions that good manners would prevent you uttering in RL. If you want saccharine responses only to your name choice, then keep it in RL (and after the baby is actually named).

Also, I've never known who these mysterious 'some posters' are. suteoy it's better to take it up on the thread, rather than condemn some unspecified nasties, in a TAA(lot of)T?

That's mn. Blunt, rude and, when needed, incredibly supportive. It is NOT unconditional support.

NetMums is over there >>>

Mumsnet has always been direct and honest. Many of us like it that way.

Yeah, I think that's part of the problem greatduck, once you've been here a while you get it and know the nuances of the site. I'm not sure about others but I first joined up when I got pregnant first time, was excited, nervous and looking for advice. I didn't know much about Mumsnet except it was a forum where you could chat to other Mums / Mums to be. That was my preconception, so I approached it that way. It took me a while and after a few rude responses to posts to realise what Mumsnet is actually about. I guess it's just not what you're expecting when you're in those early days of pregnancy / motherhood when you could do with some friendly advice. I've accepted it is what it is now, that's fine, but it's just a shame people have to learn the hard way at what is a fairly daunting stage of the lives!

Yes cote, that's the problem, you don't know what it's like til some one comes onto a thread and says to you 'if you don't like it, go to netmums', which I've seen so many times. That should tagline for the site 😂