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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to fucking hate what technology does to relationships?

60 replies

CouldGoMad · 16/07/2018 21:08

I'm 5.5 months pregnant to a man who is addicted to PlayStation, and his mobile phone. Thursday Friday and Saturday he was up until early hours on his PlayStation. I got up early to get his DD ready on Friday morning whilst he slept (I didn't even know he was starting work late), I was up with his DD 1.5 hours before he was on Saturday, and 2 hours before he was on Sunday.

I'm tired. I would love to sleep in. This is a recent habit he's gotten in to in the past 3/4 months after he came off night shifts and it's like all else (housework, shopping, ME) doesn't exist.

I'm preparing myself to talk to him about it as I'm so tired today that I can't be bothered so will do tomorrow. I'm terrified of what it will be like with a baby and an confused as to how someone's habits can change so drastically so fast. 6 months ago he only played occasionally.

AIBU to think that gaming addiction is a thing? I'm more than happy for him to game. I'm not happy to be left to get up early with his DD every morning whilst he sleeps for 2 hours when I'm 5.5 months pregnant, in pain, and could really use the sleep.

As you can tell I am extremely angry, I am venting and hoping someone can offer some constructive advice. Deep down I wish this had happened before I got pregnant.

OP posts:
Original poster
CouldGoMad · 16/07/2018 22:06

I'm at my wits end. Upstairs in tears because I can hear his video game. I know he's going to wake me up at 3. I know if I bring it up he will get defensive and not listen to a word I say and I'll be the one in the wrong. I don't know what else I can do other than leave.

OP posts:
LilyMarie · 16/07/2018 22:07

If your dp doesn't want to get up and play with his 6 year old then that's up to him, there is no need for you to get up either as she will be perfectly fine playing by herself for a few hours.
Tell him to help around the house more so you can rest but don't start telling him what to do with his daughter

Butterymuffin · 16/07/2018 22:10

If your dp doesn't want to get up and play with his 6 year old then that's up to him

Er, no it isn't. Why should parenting be optional for him?

Original poster
CouldGoMad · 16/07/2018 22:11

lily so I'm just supposed to leave her on a school day to play?

He's never up and ready before 10/11. I'm not talking about getting up at a normal time here. 10/11 to me when you have a child is far too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
CouldGoMad · 16/07/2018 22:14

He's expecting me to take a week of leave in the summer to look after her and I'm considering just saying no.

OP posts:
LilyMarie · 16/07/2018 22:15

Er, no it isn't. Why should parenting be optional for him?

Letting your child play on their own for a few hours in the morning whilst you sleep doesn't make you any less of a parent.

annandale · 16/07/2018 22:15

Jeez, 4 hours playing alone? For a six year old? Sorry I don't think that's ok unless it's an emergency, ie you've got flu and no support at all. For sure you don't have to be hovering over a six year old with arms outstretched but you should be around for about three hours of that as a minimum imo.

I agree op that the total involvement of technology makes ordinary family life look pretty dull by comparison. If he thinks gaming for hours is OK, how about a game he can play with the 6 year old? Mario kart? If it's not OK for her to game for six hours at a time, why is that? Would you be OK with the baby learning to game as its main hobby?

You can present the problem to him. Ultimately he is prioritising gaming and social media over anyone in the family. If he's not prepared to change he might prefer to move out.

Butterymuffin · 16/07/2018 22:17

Letting your child play on their own for a few hours in the morning whilst you sleep doesn't make you any less of a parent.

Yes it does. If you're too lazy to get your kid ready for school in the morning and expect someone else who's not even related to them to do it for you, you're a shit parent. HTH

Original poster
CouldGoMad · 16/07/2018 22:18

lily it doesn't make you a great one though when you only see her for 2 weekends and 2 weekday mornings in the whole month and you'd rather play video games and let your girlfriend look after her in the mornings. I don't know many 30 year olds with kids who stay up playing video games all night then can't be arsed to get up and spend time with their kids the next morning.

OP posts:
LilyMarie · 16/07/2018 22:19

Apologies, I missed the school day part. She's not your kid so it shouldn't be on you to take her to school or look after her in the holidays whilst he sleeps. I

Original poster
CouldGoMad · 16/07/2018 22:20

lily my point exactly. But I'm not that much of an arse to let her be late for school unfed because he can't get up in the morning.

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Original poster
CouldGoMad · 16/07/2018 22:23

I still think 2+ hours is a long time for a 6 year old to be on their own, if anything because she gets so bored.

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Popc0rn · 16/07/2018 22:24

"Letting your child play on their own for a few hours in the morning whilst you sleep doesn't make you any less of a parent."

...if he's only spending 4 mornings out of 28 with her, and would rather stay up til 3am gaming and the sleep in the next day, I'd say it does actually.

SoSobored · 16/07/2018 22:25

Ummmm....I might get shot down in flames for this but is he ok? Sometimes when men are worried they withdraw. Maybe he has a problem?!

Original poster
CouldGoMad · 16/07/2018 22:25

Agreed popcorn - can't believe I'm in a position where I'm saying that about the father of my unborn child. I'm in tears worried about this.

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Original poster
CouldGoMad · 16/07/2018 22:26

sobored he's absolutely fine just got in to the habit of playing it in nights and is now completely obsessed.

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WonderTweek · 16/07/2018 22:32

Not defending the guy at all but in our case my husband was actually terribly depressed and used gaming as an escape. I used to get livid when he was on the Xbox constantly but then one evening we ended up arguing about it and he opened up and said that he was feeling really low and stressed out about various things. We then addressed those things and the gaming went back to a more sensible level. He still games but comes off the Xbox to do stuff with me and our son, and usually when he starts gaming excessively I know he’s stressing about something and then I go and talk to him. Or a new game has come out. Grin

If he’s not depressed and just being a numpty I would still recommend talking to him and telling him that it’s not on.

Popc0rn · 16/07/2018 22:39

It's just so sad that he doesn't want to spend as much time with his daughter as possible - I have happy memories of my dad taking me out on Saturday mornings.

I don't have any constructive advice to give you OP, but my friend recently went through a break up for similiar reasons. Seems to be a common problem amoung lots of my friends. I've (luckily!) never dated anyone who games - there are plenty of men who don't have any "boy toys"! Have a cards on the table talk with him about it and make it clear that if things don't change, then you will be leaving. Good luck Flowers

limon · 16/07/2018 22:41

Yanbu :( I hope you can solve the iasue.

Original poster
CouldGoMad · 16/07/2018 22:49

I'm just so mad tonight. I want to smash his PlayStation and phone up I really do.

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Mintychoc1 · 16/07/2018 22:51

OP he is being useless. If I were you I’d give him an ultimatum - massively reduce the screen time or I’m off.

Hellywelly10 · 16/07/2018 22:54

Im sorry op. I dont think its ok for you to be getting his daughter up for school when she has two parents either

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 16/07/2018 23:28

I agree that tech can be addictive, but like anything, it's up to the person who is addicted to put some rules in place or give it up altogether.

My DP loves his Switch, PS4 etc and plays lots of games on his phone. I'm a bit addicted to MN and FB, but we have a rule that we put our phones down when we're in the room together. He said right from the start that he didn't want to be "that guy" your guy and that he thought it was ignorant to sit on your phone while your partner was in the room.

Sometimes he will finish a game, or we'll say "lets have 20 mins phone time before Love Island" or something, but the rest of the time, the phone is just a really great way to keep in touch when we're apart, to text and Facetime each other etc and to have a camera to hand at all times! I wouldn't want to be without it, but I do feel that you need to be aware of how intrusive it can become.

The leaving you to deal with his DD while he has a lie in is shit, he needs to step up, or make sure she's comfortable to sort herself for an hour or two. But as you say, he should be keen to spend time with her. Sit him down and spell out exactly what you expect from him as a partner and a parent. He needs to step up or risk being separated from another child.

Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 17/07/2018 00:14

Is there anywhere you could go for a few days op or even a week and say you are reconsidering the relationship.

At least you would know if he cares enough about you to try and make amends

IAmNotAWitch · 17/07/2018 01:20

It isn't the technology. We are a house full of gaming nerds and don't have these issues.

HE is the problem. He doesn't have to be YOUR problem.

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