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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my son should spend some time at home?

79 replies

thirtysquirty · 16/07/2018 20:32

DS is 19 and on a gap year, due to start at university in October.
He's worked the rest of the year and has finished his work contract for his "summer".

He's just come back from a couple of weeks in Europe travelling, then went straight to camping with his friends family. He's now home today and we have 5 days before we go on a family trip to another part of the UK but has informed me he's going to see his friends in London and will leave tomorrow and make his own way to the family trip.

We live rurally and he can't drive, has no friends here, says it's boring and it is quite a deprived area. DH and I work full time but have a dog at home that needs looking after.

He's going on another holiday with us after this one coming, but then is home for a few days before going off to Europe again and then jetting off to Australia for a month without coming home. He has paid for this with his job pay though to be fair.

AIBU to think that he should spend some time at home with us? I get that this is his gap year/summer, but he's always the same in having jam packed breaks with no time spent with mum and dad. I feel a bit neglected, even though he'll be with us for our family trips, it'd be nice if he was there at home during the evenings after work and to walk the dog etc.

AIBU, or is this part of growing up?

OP posts:

Oldaintallthat · 16/07/2018 21:31

^ Just to add - he hasnt totally abandoned me - he's home now.
It was however, pointless redoing his bedroom - hes still a massive slob

ReadingRiot · 16/07/2018 21:33

I understand its all a bit disappointing for you but he is going on two holidays with you.

I think you need to (at least outwardly) be proud he's so capable and I dependant.

ReadingRiot · 16/07/2018 21:33

Independant

nicebitofquiche · 16/07/2018 21:34

You live in the countryside. He has no friends there. He can't drive. Tbh it sounds awful. I wouldn't want to be there for more than a couple of days. Let him live his life.

Ginseng1 · 16/07/2018 21:35

This is funny I came from rural area & summers during uni my mother still says she was lucky to get me home for a w/e before I went abroad to work for the summer til the w/e b4 I'd got back to college & usually be more interested in meeting up with friends than catching up with home. I certainly wouldn't have gone on hols with them! Once dh n I had kids got tired of city living now back in same area my folks up the road & we're very close! Let him spread his wings he sounds great.

Sophiesdog11 · 16/07/2018 21:35

YABVVU Op, your DS is doing pretty much what a gap year student ahould be - and has financed it himself. I have read a number of threads in the past about gap year students lazing around, doing very little, so be proud that he is living life to the full.

My DD18 has finished a BTEC, not sure what she wants to do next, so we have encouraged a gap year to help her mature a little and work out the next step. She has a retail job, basic hours over Fri and Sat, but she's picking up plenty of overtime, generally Thurs to Mon, so when we have spare time at weekends we hardly see her, but I am just pleased she has a job and is keen to earn money.

I am nagging encouraging her to think what she might want to do next spring/summer in terms of maybe travelling and volunteering abroad. Most of the time I get told to stop nagging, so I would be thrilled at your DSs plans. To be fair, she has today mentioned doing Camp America or such, plus travel in somewhere like Peru, and some local volunteering with animals in tandem with retail job through winter.

We too have a dog, but I would never expect DD to stay at home to look after it. I am only out of house 2 days (work at home one) and we work our hours around it, or get dog walkers in.

She is planning a UK holiday with us in August, and we hoping to have a family trip to NY later in year, but I am happy for her to do her own thing holiday wise.

Same with DS20, who has just started a year long placement, again he may join us for part of August holiday and will come to NY, but I wouldn't force him to spend time with us otherwise. Whilst I am missing not having him home for the summer, I am thrilled he got the job and is enjoying it and the life he is building around it (living and socialising with other placement students).

Like you, we are adjusting to a different situation, seeing less of both kids, but I just feel proud of raising them to fly the nest!

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 16/07/2018 21:35

Sounds like he’s having an amazing time! Let him love his life, I so wish I’d done all he’s doing

ReadingRiot · 16/07/2018 21:36

Although I do think he should be using some of this time to learn to drive. It's an important life skill and very limiting to employment opportunities (and pretty much everything else really) if you can't.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 16/07/2018 21:44

I think as an adult he should do whatever he wants and you should be less selfish.

Sophiesdog11 · 16/07/2018 21:46

Although I do think he should be using some of this time to learn to drive.

Totally agree, it is a key skill and both my kids would struggle to do their current job/placement without driving.

Indeed, DD is paying us back some of the cost of her car drom retail job, which is encouraging her to pick up as much overtime as possible, but it also shows her that hard work and effort mean she could have a better car than a basic runaround.

NewbieSpartacus · 16/07/2018 21:49

YABU. Please note I'm in a similar position and bloody hate it. I don't want my kids to be happy dammit, I want them HERE WITH ME. We're both BU OP. It sucks.

mumeeee · 16/07/2018 21:50

I'm anothet one who says YABU. He is doing what a 19 year old should be doing.

BackforGood · 16/07/2018 21:50

You know YABU really. I understand you are missing him, but you should be proud of the confident, independent young man he is proving himself to be. He is out there, living his life to the full - which is surely what we are all aiming for, with the dc we bring up?

InfiniteVariety · 16/07/2018 21:51

OP there are so many threads in which parents are despairing about a young adult DC who is just hanging round the house doing nothing much - your son is energetically grabbing life with both hands, has been earning his own money and is about to start a university course. He sounds like a fine young man who will go far - you should be proud of the grand job you did raising someone so independent & self-sufficient

Bouledeneige · 16/07/2018 21:51

I stopped going on holiday with my parents at 16. You're doing alright!

Let him live his independent life - its a sign you did a good job in raising him that he can stand on his own two feet.

mumeeee · 16/07/2018 21:52

Oh I also meant to say. Learning to drive might not be a help to him at this point.
A lot of universities don't let first years bring a car

LEDadjacent · 16/07/2018 21:54

YABVU. If you wanted to take time off to hang out with him, you'd only be slightly unreasonable.

HarshingMyMellow · 16/07/2018 21:56

My mother guilt tripped me in exactly the same way when I was roughly his age.

We're NC now (for other reasons too) but I never forgave her for depriving me of my first taste of independence.
He's an adult.

YABU.

thegreenhen · 16/07/2018 21:57

Honestly I have a step daughter who is at home all the time. Most weekends and every minute of the holidays. I really wish she was showing the sort of independence you're seeing. It's not personal, I'm sure. Be happy that he wants to make the most of his life.

TwitterQueen1 · 16/07/2018 22:03

yes, like everyone else on here I too believe you are being very U. this is what sons and daughters are supposed to do at this age! Let him go OP! You want him to stay for your benefit - not for his - and that's not how learning to be an adult works.

nokidshere · 16/07/2018 22:22

Sadly you are definitely BU but I understand why you would want to see more of him.

I'm always happy these days if my two sons 16&19 are actually in the same room as us for any length of time. I really miss them being around so much but love that they are so excited about growing up and they have elaborate plans for the immediate future. I'm going to try and entice them on a one week family holiday for as long as possible

Claire90ftm · 17/07/2018 04:12

Sorry, @ReadingRiot, but it's actually independenot.

Claire90ftm · 17/07/2018 04:13

Fuck... IndependEnt

SleepingStandingUp · 17/07/2018 04:15

Yanbu op

He should spend his summer at home looking after the dog who presumably manages the rest of the time and waiting for you to come home.

Totally.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/07/2018 05:07

I want to be 19 again

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