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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my son should spend some time at home?

79 replies

thirtysquirty · 16/07/2018 20:32

DS is 19 and on a gap year, due to start at university in October.
He's worked the rest of the year and has finished his work contract for his "summer".

He's just come back from a couple of weeks in Europe travelling, then went straight to camping with his friends family. He's now home today and we have 5 days before we go on a family trip to another part of the UK but has informed me he's going to see his friends in London and will leave tomorrow and make his own way to the family trip.

We live rurally and he can't drive, has no friends here, says it's boring and it is quite a deprived area. DH and I work full time but have a dog at home that needs looking after.

He's going on another holiday with us after this one coming, but then is home for a few days before going off to Europe again and then jetting off to Australia for a month without coming home. He has paid for this with his job pay though to be fair.

AIBU to think that he should spend some time at home with us? I get that this is his gap year/summer, but he's always the same in having jam packed breaks with no time spent with mum and dad. I feel a bit neglected, even though he'll be with us for our family trips, it'd be nice if he was there at home during the evenings after work and to walk the dog etc.

AIBU, or is this part of growing up?

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/07/2018 20:49

Yabu, he’ll never be so carefree again, don’t tie him down.

welshmist · 16/07/2018 20:52

My two DS`s whilst at uni. spent the whole summer travelling around Europe, we were lucky to get a text phone call now and again. Let him enjoy this time.

kimber83 · 16/07/2018 20:56

it'd be nice if he was there at home during the evenings after work and to walk the dog etc.

er, he doesn't have a responsibility to provide you with a social outlet nor walk your dog at this point in his life, no.

let him live!

he sounds fairly sensible and he's out learning about himself, getting experiences, and meeting friends.. why would you want to dampen that to sit around waiting for his mum and dad to come home from work and walk the dog.

aaarrrggghhhh · 16/07/2018 20:59

it'd be nice if he was there at home during the evenings after work and to walk the dog etc

Seriously? You think that a 19 year old should stay home from doing amazing things he is paying for so that he can be there when you get him from work and so he can walk the dog

HowGreatIsTooGreat · 16/07/2018 21:01

My son is 19 and in a similar position. I think it's great!

He's becoming independent and using all the skills I spent all those years teaching him.

It makes me feel optimistic about him and his future and I'm really proud of him.

Arum51 · 16/07/2018 21:02

Good grief, be glad! You have raised a very independent lad, financially, physically, socially and emotionally! Superb job there OP. He's a total credit to you. You win at motherhood

SoyDora · 16/07/2018 21:04

You genuinely think a 19 year old should be sitting at home all day in a rural area where he has no friends, just so he can walk your dog and see you for a couple of hours in the evening? Instead of travelling the world and seeing his friend? Seriously?
YABVU.
He’s going on 2 holidays with you. I wasn’t doing that at 19.

Parker231 · 16/07/2018 21:06

My DT’s are a similar age and home from Uni but from their discussions other than coming on a two week holiday with us (I think their enthusiasm relates to where we are going rather than they are on a family holiday !) I don’t think we’ll be seeing much of them.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 16/07/2018 21:08

you say you want to spend time with him... but then mention the dog multiple times, He is not responsible for your dog. walk him yourself and let your son have some fun

Sevendown · 16/07/2018 21:08

Wow nothing I’ve seen epitomises the empty nest syndrome more than this.

You don’t have a child anymore.

He is doing what he should be doing- leading an adult life.

You need a hobby.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 16/07/2018 21:09

Hahahaha YABU

dustarr73 · 16/07/2018 21:10

Dont have a dog if you cant look after it.Not your sons job to babysit the mutt.

He will be tied down for long enough.Let him be.

Foodylicious · 16/07/2018 21:13

You are not being unreasonable to miss him.

I really hope you enjoy the holidays you have planned together.

I left home at 17. Never felt missed. Though I might have been (middle child of 7 though so who knows! )

I don't think it would be right for ds to feel responsible to you/for you.
But do let him know that you love him, that you miss him when you are not with him, that you worry sometimes that's he is safe and you wish that he is happy.

Tillytrotter123 · 16/07/2018 21:15

In a few years we might be tied down to a 9-5 and he won't get these chances anymore. Let him enjoy life, at least he's still going on the family holiday.

woodhill · 16/07/2018 21:15

I would be glad he is doing things. A long time being in jobs and commitments etc

ApolloandDaphne · 16/07/2018 21:19

Last year at 19 my DD was away most of the summer either working (in America) or travelling/visiting friends. Yes i missed her, but i would never have expected her to spend more time at home when she could be out in the world exploring and having fun.

This year she has been working locally since mid June and is sooooo bored as none of her mates are around. She is heading off to Malta on a 3 week field trip fairly soon then plans to go on holiday and visit friends. I will see her shortly before she goes back to uni in September. I know she will be much happier away travelling rather than being stuck at home with me, DH and the dog!

Be happy he has friends and wants to explore the world.

wentmadinthecountry · 16/07/2018 21:20

YABVU - it's your dog, so you should walk it. Good on him - rural living is horrid if you can't drive. We live rurally and my older 3 were in that car asap. He's young and doing it - embrace the fact he;s confident and happy.

agedknees · 16/07/2018 21:22

Look after your own dog - unless it’s his dog? You’re only young once. Let him enjoy it.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 16/07/2018 21:25

You chose to live somewhere rural that has nothing to do and is boring for a teenager. Now you have the consequences of that choice I'm afraid.

How much family time did you used to spend with him when he as a teen? How many activities did you do together?

Oldaintallthat · 16/07/2018 21:28

My lad is away at uni, and I struggle to see him as he's so busy with life and fun finding his feet. I miss him but am SO proud of him.
He isn't ignoring or neglecting you - hes made time for you. Do you really want him to miss out on amazing memories because the dog needs to get out??

(I also echo the poster about the lucky to get texts!)

SoyDora · 16/07/2018 21:29

Once he’s walked the dog, what do you expect him to do with his days while he’s waiting for you to get home from work?

NapQueen · 16/07/2018 21:30

OP why do you and dh have a dog if you arent able to care for it?

LoveInTokyo · 16/07/2018 21:30

OP, if you or your husband want more one on one time with your son, how about teaching him to drive?

FishingIsNotASport · 16/07/2018 21:30

Our job as parents is to raise confident, independent children. Sounds like you've done a good job there. My youngest is here, there and everywhere during her summer break from uni' and I'm not bothered in the slightest. She's living her life. I'm more concerned about your dog. Why do you have a dog if you both work full-time? Pay a dog walker or please rehome the dog.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 16/07/2018 21:31

You've done a great job in raising an independent, confident person. He's obviously hard working and forward thinking if he's worked and saved money to fulfil his plans. You should be very proud of yourself, and a little bit sad that he has flown the nest. But you should definitely not be expecting him to stay home. Enjoy your holidays, you are lucky he'll join you at 19.

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